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This is the funniest sports article I've ever read.
College Humor Sports Weekly Year in Review
Ethan: Isn't bowl season the best? I haven't gotten off my couch since last week, and I'm reduced to using a replica helmet as a crude chamber pot. I'm just glad that the bowls have finally answered the "Which conference is best?" argument. Move over, SEC, Big Ten, and Pac-10...you're living in a Mountain West world!
Amir: ESPN didn't really think this Bowl Challenge Cup thing through. "Sorry SEC, even though you may end up with the national champs and a 7-2 bowl record, you're no .800 conference like the Mountain West!" At least bowl games serve one purpose: to turn me into a genius for calling USC the best team in the Nation. Do you finally agree with me?
Ethan: I refuse to crown any team that lets its best defensive player and its QB wear the same jersey number. That's confusing as hell.
Amir: It's not their fault they have ten running backs and seven quarterbacks. Everybody wants a taste of the program!
Ethan: I was hoping they'd let Brian Cushing take a few snaps at QB at the end of the game for fun. USC won what was basically a home game against an obviously inferior Illinois team that a lot of people didn't think should be in the BCS. I was more impressed by how fat Emeril looked when he was doing the coin flip. I thought he might bite off a hunk of John David Booty's arm and kick it up a notch with some garlic.
Amir: BAM! Seriously, you think USC couldn't beat Ohio State? Or LSU? Or the UNBEATABLE HAWAII WARRIORS?! By the way, what happened in the Sugar Bowl? How many points did Hawaii win by? 60? 75?
Ethan: Look, the Warriors aren't bound by our mainland customs like "not wearing a lei to coach" or "having to score more points to win." I liked that even the pregame pep talk from June Jones that Fox showed was kind of like, "Um...so we're about to get our asses handed to us. But we deserve to be here!"
Amir: Did you know the Hawaiian alphabet only has 8 letters, and their playbook only has two rushing plays?
Ethan: Apparently "Aloha" also means "Colt Brennan is a warmer weather Tim Couch." It's still really impressive that school with basically no recruiting budget made a BCS game. You impressed by Georgia now?
Amir: I was always impressed by Georgia. Whether it be their football team or their insistence to name every road in their state after the peach tree.
Ethan: Pretty nice win by Mizzou yesterday, right? Screw McFadden; Tony Temple's the best running back ever.
Amir: If you had him in your fantasy league, it means he got you like 52 fantasy points.
Ethan: It also means you probably shouldn't be in an obsessive college football fantasy league. What did you think of that one?
Amir: How did Arkansas put up 50 at LSU, then seven against Missouri? Maybe McFadden was hoping to slip to the Patriots at the seven spot?
Ethan: I think the shocker of the day was Michigan actually winning the big one for Lloyd.
Amir: I liked watching Carr's post game speech telling everybody in there that he loved them. As a group it's touching, but try to imagine a 62 year old man telling an 18 year old linebacker twice his weight "I love you." You think they love him back?
Ethan: Ohio State players probably love him more. I liked when Lloyd was up on the players' shoulders. It was a nice scene to see him go out a winner, but you also had to think "Careful! He's old and fragile! Those hips aren't as young as they used to be." What's your favorite bowl we haven't talked about yet?
Amir: Texas Tech coming back to beat UVA in the Gator Bowl. It featured a 96 yard rushing TD and a successful onside kick! You know what would be great though?
Ethan: If the Michigan players dropped Lloyd Carr?
Amir: Yes. And, a coach getting a Gatorade shower in the second quarter. Preferrably when they're down big. Anybody can flip into the endzone -- but that's confidence!
Ethan: Jim Tressel takes a bath in Riptide Rush every morning. It makes his sweater vests stick to his body a little bit, but his hair smells awesome.
Amir: Now onto athletes who play on SUNDAY, who do you like in Saturday's Wildcard games?
Ethan: Giants-Bucs could be good, but I saw yesterday the game's still not sold out. Apparently more people in Tampa would rather watch Ernest Goes to Camp than Earnest Graham go to the end zone.
Amir: Actually, Wild Card games are really boring, just tell me who you want to see the Pats and the Colts play before they play eachother.
Ethan: How can you not be excited for Seahawks-Redskins? It's...um...it's...a football game. And that counts for something. Oh, I just heard the Pats went 16-0. Can you believe it?!
Amir: What are you rooting for: Them to lose their first playoff game after going 16-0, them losing to the Colts, them losing in the Superbowl to the Redskins, or them never losing again ever?
Ethan: I'm rooting for them to win the Super Bowl, then getting challenged by the 1972 Dolphins to one game to settle this undefeated business once and for all. Those old men are awfully pissy about their record; it's not like the Pats going 19-0 is going to make people say, "You know what? The '72 Dolphins were TERRIBLE! Let's go burn down Larry Csonka's mustache." What do you think happens to the Pats?
Amir: I wouldn't bet against them, though I'd love to see them lose. Just because Boston fans shouldn't have all the luck. You know their basketball team is pretty good too?
Ethan: Not if Lamar Odom has anything to say about it. He will spear tackle each and every member of the Celtics until they're back in the lottery.
Amir: I was at that game, and it was pretty much the highlight of the second half.
Ethan: Can you believe Brian Billick got fired? Billick does the most with the least. Whether it's hair or QBs. Did the Ravens just now realize that he's not an offensive genius?
Amir: You're granted a couple years of security following a Super Bowl victory.
Ethan: "His head's so enormous he must be smart...let's see where he's going with this Elvis Grbac thing..."
Amir: They almost beat the Patriots after all.
Ethan: At least his former offensive coordinator Rick Neuheisel is once again gainfully employed. Couldn't UCLA have waited until after March to hire him? He has a million-dollar hunch about Duquesne as a bracket buster!
Amir: Oh please, are you telling me filling out a bracket is grounds for dismissal for a football coach?
Ethan: Apparently so. Trying to pick the play-in game is a career killer.
Amir: Even dumber was than him filling out a bracket was him going with two 15 seeds in the sweet sixteen. Now THAT's grounds for dismissal.
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Last edited by DannyC; 01-02-2008 at 05:04 PM.
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01-02-2008, 10:06 PM
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