WWE Raw Review: 8/18

[masterragu]

The 8/18 edition of RAW IS FAILING TO SELL SUMMERSLAM aired live from Grand Rapids. It was essentially one of those shows that was misdirected, and on the final episode before a major PPV, that isn't good. The live crowd seemed into the show, which was a positive, but overall it was a weak show with some bad segments.

The show opened with the Highlight Reel. Chris Jericho welcomed everyone to RAW IS JERICHO. Maybe he should have saved that line for a better show. He boasted that he would beat Kevin Nash in the hair match, cut his ugly, greasy, brutal hair, and rename him Big Daddy Bald. He also promised to win the RAW World Title in the Elimination Chamber this coming Sunday. He said he's dreamed of regaining the title ever since losing it, and thus is willing to put himself through the brutality of an Elimination Chamber bout. He said last year's Chamber was the most vicious match he's ever been in. He added that he would have won the title in that match had someone not stolen it from him. That someone was "Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, whom Jericho called out as his Highlight Reel guest. Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler put over HBK as the winner of the first and, until this coming Sunday, only Elimination Chamber bout. Jericho asked HBK if he has what it takes to win a second Elimination Chamber match. HBK started to respond, but Jericho pulled the mic from him and said the interview was over since he had to go prepare for his hair match. He turned the Highlight Reel over to Evolution, as all three members of that group came down and entered the ring. Jericho then simply left. Triple H took the mic and said the Elimination Chamber is the type of match that always takes away a little of one's career. He noted that in last year's match, he not only lost the title, but spent 48 hours in the hospital afterward (from RVD landing on his throat with a errant knee). He added that it'll be different this year, as he would retain the title and hospitalize HBK. All three Evolution members began slowly advancing on HBK. HBK responded by attacking them. He flattened all three with punches and also backdropped Ric Flair, but they eventually tripled on HBK and beat him down. Kevin Nash came in for the save, but Evolution beat him down as well. Finally, Goldberg charged the ring and no sold Flair's chops. He lariated Flair and Randy Orton from the ring. But when he went to spear HHH, he shoved Nash in the way and Nash took the spear. Evolution retreated, and Nash was given something of an excuse for losing the hair match later. Basically a typical opening segment, except neither Steve Austin nor Eric Bischoff was involved, which was a good thing.

Test visited Stacy Keibler. He told her they'd be back together after he beats Scott Steiner. He at first acted apologetic for his recent behavior towards her, and promised things would be different. But then he turned on her and said when he wins her back, he'll treat her like the "little slut" she is. JR & Lawler acted shocked, though Lawler wasn't shocked enough to keep him from repeating the word "slut" throughout the broadcast.

Molly Holly beat Trish Stratus by DQ in 2:35 to retain the women's title. Trish did a matter-of-fact interview before the match, saying she has issues with Gail Kim, but tonight was forgetting about her to concentrate on beating Molly. Trish hit the Thesz press and pounded Molly. Molly hit a shoulderbreaker that at first looked like it was going to be a tombstone piledriver. Trish hit the huracanrana off the top, followed by some chops. Gail arrived and got on the apron. Trish knocked her off. Trish went to the top and came off for a splash, but Molly rolled clear and Trish crashed to the mat. Molly covered Trish for a pin attempt. Gail then attacked Molly, getting Trish DQ'ed. Molly and Gail brawled out to the floor and it took a few brave refs to break up the catfight.

Evolution celebrated backstage, pleased that they laid HBK out and caused Nash to take Goldberg's spear. Austin walked in and asked if they were happy over what they did. They were, of course, and continued bragging. Austin said since they were so tough, they should have no objections to Orton fighting Goldberg as the TV main event. Orton, confident that HHH & Flair would be there to back him up, sarcastically implied that all hell would break lose in the match. Logic here would dictate that Austin would issue a ruling banning the other Evolution members from running in, but I guess that was last week's arbitrary edict. This week's was that Austin made himself special ringside enforcer for the match.

Shane McMahon came out. JR & Lawler put over how humiliating it was for Shane to lose to Bischoff two weeks ago. Yeah, it must have been humiliating for a guy with no training to lose to a black belt. Shane said he still hasn't fully recovered from Kane's tombstone piledriver on the stairs. He indicated his match against Bischoff at SummerSlam won't take place, because he planned to destroy Bischoff so badly that he wouldn't make it to the PPV. He said as soon as Bischoff arrived, he would drag him to the ring and beat him to a bloody pulp. Shane thought Bischoff was going to be there in Grand Rapids, not realizing he was on his way elsewhere. He called Bischoff a pathetic, slimy, gutless little parasite. Those were all required fields on Bischoff's WWE job application. Regarding Kane, Shane produced a can of gasoline, saying that he likes to play with fire, too. Lawler wondered if Shane was serious, and JR seemed to think he was.

Lance Storm continued to whine about being boring. Let's see....he's boring, he loses his matches, and he whines. With a push like that, who needs a burial? Goldust told Storm the key to being non-boring is to be unpredictable. He asked Storm if he's ever done anything wild, and all Storm could think of was that he once returned a movie to a video store without rewinding it. Hey, I remember when he was one of the Thrillseekers tag team (with Jericho) in SMW and their gimmick was that they went skydiving and rode roller coasters and all that kind of stuff. Anyway, Goldust instructed Storm to go into the ladies' locker room, talk dirty to the first chick he sees, and then kiss her. So he went in, and that was it. I mean, they never showed what happened, or who he kissed, or anything. Maybe they will next week. Or maybe not.

Linda McMahon was shown sitting at home in Greenwich. JR reported that they would interview her later.

[masterragu]

Test defeated Scott Steiner in 4:51 to regain Stacy's "managerial" services. There was no Stacy heel turn. JR said Test has physically and mentally abused Stacy as if she were a government mule. You mean government mules are also mentally abused? Footage aired from a few weeks back of Test powerslamming Stacy and causing her to take a kick from Booker T. Steiner started off pounding Test, as Lawler explained that the term "slut" can have positive connotations as well as negative. Steiner suplexed Test and beat on him some more. Steiner did his pushups after an elbow. Test went for the boot to the face, but Steiner moved and Test sold it that his knee went out. Logically, if Test was injured, the ref should have stopped the match and given Steiner the win, or at least called it a no-contest. Instead, he signaled for a time-out, as if this was an NFL game. Steiner had to stand there looking goofy as the trainer and several refs came out to check Test's knee. Test did do a good job of selling the knee. Of course, it was all a ruse, and gullible Steiner ended up being kicked in the face and pinned when Test miraculously recovered. Test dragged the distraught Stacy to the back, as Lawler announced she was about to be treated like a slut.

La Resistance came out waving the French flag, and boasted of destroying the Dudleys last week. They asked for a moment of silence to mourn the end of the Dudleys' careers. They spotted a U.S. serviceman sitting in the front row, and left the ring to taunt him. They pie-faced him. The Dudleys ran in at this point with the American flag and La Resistance quickly fled. The Dudleys invited the serviceman into the ring and handed him the American flag to wave. But this was yet another set up, as the serviceman walloped both Dudleys with the flagpole. La Resistance returned and they double slammed both Dudleys and again draped the American flag over them. The fake serviceman was actually a pretty good gimmick, though as last week they needed to call Bill Watts to learn that it's the enemy flag that needs to be draped over the downed babyfaces. They did spit on the U.S. flag, which likely went a little too far in some people's minds.

Jericho was shown combing his hair, as he prepared for the hair match.

Hour two began with Jericho beating Nash in the hair vs. hair match in 9:54. Footage aired of Nash taking the spear earlier, though Nash really didn't sell it any here. Jericho slapped Nash, and Nash responded by tossing Jericho around. Nash just kept tossing Jericho and slamming him, scoring some twos. Jericho came back with kicks to the leg. Nash vaulted Jericho high out to the floor for a good bump. Nash went after Jericho on the floor but accidentally lariated the ring post. Jericho hit a baseball slide kick. Back inside the ring, Jericho missile kicked Nash for a near fall. Jericho removed the turnbuckle padding. As the ref was busy putting it back, Nash cradled Jericho for what would have been a three count, but by the time the ref returned to action, Jericho kicked out. Nash went back to the power moves and scored more twos. Jericho scored two after a bulldog and lionsault. Jericho hooked the walls for a babyface pop (at least half the crowd cheered Jericho). Nash made the ropes. Nash hit a jackknife but Jericho got his boot up on the rope to break the three count. Nash hit a boot to the face. There was a scuffle where the ref's eyes got accidentally raked. With the ref briefly blinded, Jericho hit a low blow on Nash and flattened him with a set of brass knux, scoring the pin when the ref regained his sight. As good a match as could be expected, given that Nash is basically a fifth ringpost when he's in there, and the crowd was into it. The payoff was awful, though. There was a barber at ringside to supposedly shave the loser bald. Instead, Jericho stole his scissors and cut off some of Nash's long hair while he was still unconscious. Nash was left with plenty of hair on top. Jericho left, using some of Nash's hair to taunt him. Nash wasn't shaved bald, as he should have been for this angle to work. Nash evidently has an upcoming acting role where his character has short hair, so they did this gimmick match to give him a haircut, but not a true shaving. Essentially, we were screwed out of seeing Nash shaved bald.

Footage aired of a little girl crying because her cat was stuck in a tree. Super Hero in Training Rosey arrived. He "flew" up into the tree and rescued the cat. The little girl asked how she could ever repay him. Hurricane "flew" in and explained to the little girl that super heroes do good deeds not for reward, but because it's morally right, etc. etc. While he was giving her the speech, the cat turned on Rosey and began clawing his face (by this point the real cat had been replaced by a toy one, lest any animal lovers get upset about this). Rosey had to bash the cat's head against a tree to keep it from clawing him. He then hurled it halfway down the block. Rosey told Hurricane, who was still telling the little girl about how super heroes have high moral standards, that they'd better leave. Hurricane wasn't finished yet with his speech, but Rosey indicated that they'd better get out of there. Hurricane & Rosey quickly fled the scene, as the little girl began calling for her now apparently deceased cat. This was actually funny in a sick, twisted sort of way.

Rosey beat Rodney Mack in 1:42. Theodore Long complained that whitey is still trying to keep Mack down. Long's suit was sure white enough, that's for sure. Long said last week's blackout in the Northeast is nothing compared to the blackout he and Mack are about to bring down on WWE. Rosey arrived and began brawling with Mack. Long got on the apron but Hurricane bumped him off. Rosey won after a Samoan drop, a super hero karate thrust, and his F5 type finisher.

They replayed Jericho cutting off some of Nash's hair, to remind us we got screwed.

Footage aired of Linda being tombstoned by Kane a few weeks back. JR & Lawler then interviewed Linda via satellite from the McMahon mansion in Greenwich. She said she suffered two herniated disks in her neck, but is recovering well. She displayed a neck brace which she has to wear in bed and while driving. She admitted to being traumatized by the incident. At this point, someone began ringing the doorbell. It turned out to be Bischoff, who let himself into the house when Linda failed to answer the door right away. She asked how he got in, and he never explained. Well, if he has a key to a police van, I guess he can have a key to the McMahon house. Bischoff said Shane must no doubt be shocked to find out he's in Greenwich rather than Grand Rapids. He then began coming on to Linda as they cut to a commercial break.

[masterragu]

One of the commercials was for Jeepers Creepers 2, which was appropriate since the Bischoff & Linda segment was totally creepy.

Linda demanded to know why Bischoff was there. He said he came there to please her, not to hurt her. She threatened to call for security, but Bischoff stopped her. I guess the cameraman standing right there filming this was prevented by his union contract from helping Linda. Bischoff said he won't hurt Linda, but would hurt her spoiled, bastard kid Shane. He claimed that he built WCW from the ground up, but Shane then came along and had it handed to him like a graduation gift. Actually, as I recall the storyline, Shane bought WCW out from under Vince. Bischoff said he'll destroy Shane from the ground up by breaking both his legs. Linda tried to slap Bischoff, but he grabbed her by the arms and held her tight. He called her a big breasted beauty and asked to see the bedroom. He forced a kiss on her, and the segment ended with the implication that he was about to rape her. This segment was awful, and I don't even need to explain the logical problems with it. I mean, wouldn't this get Bischoff fired, if not arrested? Fans were booing the segment by the end, and not in a good way.

Back in Grand Rapids, Shane was appalled to learn of Bischoff's whereabouts. He tried to call Linda but no one answered the phone. He ran to the parking lot but apparently couldn't find his limo driver. So he stole some guy's car and drove off for Greenwich. According to MapQuest, that's a distance of 777 miles. Shane would have had better odds sending Rosey & Hurricane.

Footage aired from last week of Rob Van Dam landing on a chair while attempting to frog splash Kane. Kane then flattened RVD with a hard chairshot.

Christian beat RVD by count-out (apparently) to retain the IC Title in 8:55. JR said Christian was the kind of guy who'll steal your eyes and then tell you that you look better without them. RVD started off with kicks and armdrags. RVD charged at Christian, who sidestepped, and RVD's shoulder hit the post. Christian began working RVD's shoulder over, scoring some twos. RVD came back with a great springboard crossbody for a near fall. Christian hit a low blow and nearly pinned RVD. RVD came back with kicks but when he went for the rolling thunder, Christian got his knees up. RVD accidentally kicked the ref when Christian ducked. Christian flattened RVD and retrieved two chairs from ringside. He placed one chair under RVD's head and was about to "concerto" him with the other chair, but RVD recovered and kicked the chair into Christian's face (the Van Daminator). RVD frog splashed Christian to a big pop, but the ref was still out from RVD's kick and couldn't make the three count. Kane ran in at this point but RVD caught him with a Van Daminator. Kane retreated to the floor, where RVD attempted a tope, but Kane nailed him coming through the ropes with a SICKO chairshot. This one sounded like a gun going off. Kane carried the limp RVD to the back. The match just sort of ended, with no official ruling, but presumably RVD was counted out. The match was pretty good, and the show's highlight.

A SummerSlam promo video aired, featuring hype for both the RAW and Smackdown matches.

They replayed the sick chairshot on RVD twice.

Test forced Stacy to get up on a table to dance, as if she was a stripper. I would say as if she was a government mule but it hasn't yet been confirmed that they strip. Steven Richards and Rico were there, wanting lap dances, which Test promised Stacy would deliver. I guess Rico likes girls again this week.

Kane handcuffed RVD to a post backstage, stuffed a cloth in his mouth, and poured gasoline all over him. It was the gas that Shane had brought in earlier. Kane, by the way, is no longer apparently in police custody. I don't know which is more inexplicable: Kane being in custody in different police jurisdictions each week with no charges being filed, or Kane behaving as he did here and escaping without being arrested. Kane threatened to set RVD on fire and even lit a few matches to taunt him. Some of the matches were close enough to RVD that, had he really been doused with gasoline, he surely would have ignited. The cameraman must have had one of those union contracts as he did nothing but film. Kane ended up claiming the fans wanted him to set RVD on fire, so, since he now does what he wants, rather than what others want, he didn't set RVD on fire. Whatever. Kane just walked off and left RVD cuffed to the post. I'll bet Bischoff had the key.

Goldberg beat Randy Orton in 5:05. At least Goldberg didn't come out of a broom closet like he did last week. Or maybe he did, and they just had better camera angles. Austin came out as special ringside enforcer. He was kind of toned down this week, which was a positive as he has been dominating way too much TV time. HHH & Flair did color commentary, running down Goldberg. Goldberg chased Orton around the outside of the ring, allowing Orton to set Goldberg up for a lariat. Orton rammed Goldberg into the stairs. Lawler asked HHH if Orton can be trusted in the Elimination Chamber, and HHH assured him that Orton is a loyal ally. Goldberg slammed Orton. Naturally, the ref got bumped so Austin went in as ref. Goldberg hooked Orton into a sort of figure four hold, but didn't seem to quite lock it. Flair went to the ring, pulled Austin out, and stomped Goldberg to force him to break the hold on Orton. Austin beat Flair up and gave him a stunner. With Austin's help, Goldberg speared and jackhammered (JR called it a jackknife) Orton and scored the pin. Not a good main event. Goldberg stared at HHH, who stared back from the ramp top. Nash then came out of nowhere and attacked Goldberg from behind, giving him a jackknife. Nash was pissed that Goldberg speared him earlier. Nash was sporting a new haircut. His hair had been styled after the earlier clipping from Jericho. He wasn't bald at all, and just had a normal head of hair, though not his traditional long hair. So much for the hair match stipulation. HHH smirked about Nash's attack on Goldberg, but HBK then ran out and gave HHH the sweet chin music as a surprise. Jericho then emerged and flattened HBK with a chairshot. The show ended with Jericho and Nash staring one another down as the last two men left standing, as JR & Lawler hyped that the Elimination Chamber will be every man for himself. Having everyone laying each other out wasn't a bad idea to end the show, but it was sort of too little, too late as there seems not to be much interest in the Chamber as a substitute for a HHH vs. Goldberg singles match.

RHETORICAL QUESTIONS:

Have they killed Goldberg these last few weeks or what?

Are government mules also spiritually abused?

Didn't Gordon Solie always say there are no time-outs in professional wrestling?

Aren't they smart to never show Nash actually making his way to the ring for "run-ins"?

When Kane laughs, doesn't he remind you of a heel Andre the Giant?

Why didn't Shane just call the Greenwich police?

[Complete Chaos]

didnt see it last night

[masterragu]

Originally Posted by Complete Chaos

didnt see it last night

Waste of fucking time man

Shit was awful...