41. joe young [v] 42. macabre

[DMeTRIUS]

RSTL



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VERSES DUE Thursday 10:00pm PACIFIC/1:00am EST/

VOTES DUE Sunday 10:00am PACIFIC/1:00pm EST


TOPICS

RSTL Topics 8/24/04 - League/Final Four

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Go Forth and Produce

I think i'll start and drop tomorrow.

[Joe_Young]

I'm going to tell the rivalry between mother nature, and Skittles for the monoploy of the rainbow business, until Father time steps in and calls for an anti-trust hearing. It's going to be spectacular.

1. Tell the story about the biggest bitch you ever met

The biggest bitch I ever met? ok, let this set...
she's the one accountable for 7 severed heads
pretends she's heaven sent, the bullshit never ends...
i call her my mother, with that abusive mexican
she adopted me, was cool, but married him
and never resumed to stop the wounds he buried in
but now i'm sharing sin, in this prison for murder
but i'm also blaming them for makin me carry a burden
and carry a burner, bringin the barrels out
i can't just fill her with guilt, but she's got her fair amount
blame this dame i moved in with to escape my parent's house
she may be the worst bitch, suckered me from the first kiss
presented to me as a virgin and i gladly took her gift
she was mine for certain, we'd ride to another end
turns out the bitch was fuckin 6 other men
swear i'd never love again, only masturbation
i dwell in this cell due to 7 decapitations
my rationalization? me being so stupid, and...
abusive adoption parents that drove me to do it
equal with the cheatin bitch n the six men was wrong
goes back to the mom that gave me away
...the biggest bitch of them all...

[Joe_Young]

Anyone in this league have a sense of humor?



Her name was Elaine, and we loved each other like a fable
Or, I should say, I loved her, she just loved my cable.
She's cool, we held hands, I can say that at least
But at school she told everyone that I had fleas.
She's the devil, but I love the temptress something mega
So much so, that I just gave her Sonic, and my Sega
But I had a leg up from any other guy who'd try to woo her
Cuz though she already had my nintendo, soon I'd get a super
Which I could give to her, I even talked my parents into a pool
Only kid who could go swimming at home in the whole school
She loved me then for a week straight, we even had a date
Or, I went to the movies, she went swimming with Chad Tate.
But she told me she liked me, though, not in those words she didn't
We had this code I invented, love was disguised by Dipshit
Fag meant boyfriend, and boy she loved our relationship
I didn't have to tell her the code, she knew, she'd say the shit
Then high school came and she became a cheerleader
I did too and we were a team together, me and her
But, she was the leader, and paired me with Marth Metz
And I'd never before known how heavy 300 pounds gets
Until I had to hold her a whole duration of practice once
While Elaine made kissy faces with Atticus Hunts
It was just to get me jealous, and that's not me so
I just let it go, like when she slept with Eric Neesow
We were still together, whenever she needed to cheat on tests who
do you think she'd go to? Who would always come to the rescue?
That's right, me. I even gave her money so I could help her
(At her suggestion), she kissed my cheek making me swelter
I felt there needed to be more between us than just money
video games, my favorite toys, my chocolate Easter Bunnies
a pool, a past, school, and a cheerleading squad
So I asked if she'd go with me to the senior prom
She said no. But then said I could drive her and Kevin
If I could borrow my dad's Rolls, she said be there right at seven
So I did, what else could I do? She was my love
And I wrote poems, rhyming dove and above
But it wasn't enough to just write those two fits
So I then rhymed 'I'm stupid' and cupid
It was a masterpiece, and when she read it, she slapped my face
After days I came to the conclusion, she's the master race
Not a Nazi, German or any other genetic niche,
She was beautiful, manipulative, and a titatnic bitch.

[theme]

ROFLZ@JOE YOUNG

[theme]

macabre- nice flow, decent story, some nice vocab too. but its became very predictable. i dont like starting off verse with the topic it self. aand ending it like that either. i dont like your attempt to an oedipus type story unless i missed something. it was very predicatable. but i liked your flow.


joe young- holy shit, i dont know why but this is one of my favorite pieces i read. it was nicely written yes, but the topic itself was fucking original and you pulled it off nicely. some cray metaphor type shit going on with some nice wordplay
fav sequence:
"Then high school came and she became a cheerleader
I did too and we were a team together, me and her
But, she was the leader, and paired me with Marth Metz
And I'd never before known how heavy 300 pounds gets
Until I had to hold her a whole duration of practice once
While Elaine made kissy faces with Atticus Hunts
It was just to get me jealous, and that's not me so
I just let it go, like when she slept with Eric Neesow
We were still together, whenever she needed to cheat on tests who
do you think she'd go to? Who would always come to the rescue?
That's right, me."

some dope shit man.

vote- joe young

[S.E. BarZ]

Im at school... maadddd bored, readin thru this shit and I come across this piece by Joe Young, I must say, the idea was tight... but there were alot of times in there where I had to read 8 bars before I would come across anything that rhymed, Vocab was weak as was the flow, Macabre obviously took this if my vote means anything

[Joe_Young]

If you're not in the league I don't think it'll count, plus it shouldn't count because if you couldn't see the rhyme then you shouldn't be allowed computer priviledges in Special Ed yet. Be careful Mrs. Johnson doesn't see this and make you go over your hooked on fonics tapes yet again.

Originally Posted by theme

macabre- nice flow, decent story, some nice vocab too. but its became very predictable. i dont like starting off verse with the topic it self. aand ending it like that either. i dont like your attempt to an oedipus type story unless i missed something. it was very predicatable. but i liked your flow.


joe young- holy shit, i dont know why but this is one of my favorite pieces i read. it was nicely written yes, but the topic itself was fucking original and you pulled it off nicely. some cray metaphor type shit going on with some nice wordplay
fav sequence:
"Then high school came and she became a cheerleader
I did too and we were a team together, me and her
But, she was the leader, and paired me with Marth Metz
And I'd never before known how heavy 300 pounds gets
Until I had to hold her a whole duration of practice once
While Elaine made kissy faces with Atticus Hunts
It was just to get me jealous, and that's not me so
I just let it go, like when she slept with Eric Neesow
We were still together, whenever she needed to cheat on tests who
do you think she'd go to? Who would always come to the rescue?
That's right, me."

some dope shit man.

vote- joe young

How the hell you get an oedipus story out of that?

I swear to christ...

[Joe_Young]

Haha, if it's any consolation, I got it Macabre, but I see how it could be a little confusing..

Yeah, after re-reading it I might have rushed some stuff together too much.

The thought of 60 lines paralyzes my arms though.

entertaining stuff, btw.

[Mac Flow]

above no shows

[shadows edge]

Hmm... v. Joe

Mac: You had really nice flow, which was nice. But you didn't really write much, you didn't really present the characters. I dunno... it just felt like it came up short. You told a story, had some nice lines for flow, but didn't really draw me in much.

Joe: Your's was the opposite. No real story, more of like a history of a relationship. I didn't find it that funny, and your flow was kinda off at the start. However, I like the way you detailed the relationship, kinda beat it over the head, but that worked because it just shows you how much this kid puts up with.

I dunno... wasn't really too impressed with either verse, but Joe did a better job of presenting his piece. So, he gets my vote.

[FórmÅl LôGíc]

Macabre - Pretty good verse. Smooth flow, and a good writer's voice. And well that was about it. Concept was there, but never really got into it. Never developed your character, and well never really got into your story. Seemed the idea was there you just never reached the end.

Joe Young - Nice verse man. You brought a different style compared to Mac. You choose to do more of an narrative type idea instead of telling a solid story. None the less it was good. Concept was cool, content all in all was better then Mac's. A well developed verse, though you could work on your flow a little, you still wrote well.

Breakdown: I think if Mac had written more, and not left the reader hanging he could have easily won this, but when it comes down to it all Joe was more solid, in his mechanics, and overall story and verse.

Vote - Joe Young.

[Jack Sparrow]

vote - joe

joe- lol this was a wierd but nice verse. like formal said, it was a totally different style so i hate voting on ones like this. the storyline and concpet was sick, i like the wording you used to make certain bits stand out funnier. flow was nice as well, so great read

macarbe - This was a nice verse as well. you got a good flow and the conept was nice as well. however, i dont think you delved into it far enough. wording was nice, though kinda ocnfused me slighly at times. its all good

[Joe_Young]

27. shadows edge [v] 27.5 jack sparrow [v] 28. foxley king
(that's two votes for the three way)

7. dicenyaeye [v] 8. status quo
11. unavailable [v] 12. kaybi

(I gotta get sleep, I'll try my damnedest to vote more in the morning before work.)

LMAO @ this battle

Macabre...

this was iight, some things you said were kinda played, but overall this was an easy relaxing read. as far as literary elements go, wasnt too much there, you had trouble rhyming sometimes, and some lines were forced. The story itself was nothing special but again, a nice light read

Joe Young - l m a o... this whole verse is hilarious

"But she told me she liked me, though, not in those words she didn't
We had this code I invented, love was disguised by Dipshit
Fag meant boyfriend, and boy she loved our relationship
I didn't have to tell her the code, she knew, she'd say the shit"

and this is on some real shit too, lol at chocolate easter bunnies

this whole verse had me reading excited and laughing..
its very hard to write a good humorous verse in RSTL cause i saw very few before... but you succeeded, very nice. the ending is just fire

Vote Joe


P.S. lol wats swelter?

none were forced, plain and simple.

Originally Posted by Macabre

none were forced, plain and simple.

it flowed good but some words were just inserted to make it so, i got bitched at a lot for that too, i can see how it hurts a verse