33-breakpoint (2-1) [v] 34-extexgreshun (2-0)

[DMeTRIUS]

DUE DATES


VERSES DUE Thursday 10:00pm PACIFIC/1:00am EST/

VOTES DUE Sunday 10:00am PACIFIC/1:00pm EST


TOPICS

rstl topics 8-1-2004 by tha talent

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60 lines - MAXIMAL


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Go Forth and Produce

[BrEaK-PoInT]

in~!

votes=
49-?mysterious? [v] 50-busterhymen
7-doyen (7-0) [v] 8-lucifer leviathan (5-0) ---hot match
5-jowelz (61-17) [v] 6-awedishin (44-18)
http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...32#post9657832
13-iglos (3-2) [v] 14-equitus (9-3)
23. prospect (8-2) [v] 24. krooked k (13-3)

[.Etxegreshun.]

innity

votes:

http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...40#post9655740

http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...69#post9655769

[BrEaK-PoInT]

sorry this is all i have time for, good luck.

I’m a high strung man, but was once a good fellow
a hard worker, never bellowed, was always calm and mellow.
But what i can tell you, is be glad you never met me,
because i turned into another man, once my wife had left me.
See i was once addicted to heroine, no better friend,
to fill my need, and make me bleed,
turn my body inside out, made me different, made me see,
How i really was, but the truth i was regretting,
and i never told my wife i was an addict, until after the wedding.
And that's what caused her to leave, you see she wanted a seed,
but once she knew i was on heroine, it couldn't come from me.
So she packed her bags, as i lay stoned without a care in the world,
and she got lost and married again, and had a beautiful little girl.
Well since then I’ve been a maniac, from fist fights to vandalism,
in and out of hospitals and rehab, months at a time stuck in prison.
After a while i couldn't take it, i knew i was worthless,
and ending my life seemed the solution, it seemed so perfect.
But ending my life came with a surprise that i never could tell,
I don't stand near the pearly gates, i stand alone on the EDGE of hell.
With matches in my eyes, and my body smoking towards a red sky
I look past my burning sorrows, standing in blood water, chest high
I ask why, but of course with nobody to answer, what gives?
How could i think I’d go to heaven with the life that i lived?
Now am i truly crazy? wondering of God can save me?
Asking questions to myself, not knowing what I’m saying.
I feel its an illusion, like my brains out of focus.
With a sound echoing through my ears, like a million dying locusts.
I realize its my mistake, all my choices in life have gone aerie,
But nobody thinks before they act, i appear to be one of those guys.
Now as i accept the actions that I‘ve done, i look down off of the cliff,
And see souls floating aimlessly, wondering if they still exist?
Wondering shall i jump? Or see what happens if i wait here,
tip-toeing on the EDGE of this cliff, where my body can stay clear,
of the tornado of lost souls, cause that's not where i aim to be,
But what can i say? I guess i was born with the devil embracing me.
So as i began to take the plunge off an EDGE, seeming to look thinner,
I thank god for making me an addict, i thank him for making me a sinner.
I thank him for letting my girl leave, while i was RUNNING ON EMPTY.
Because if God hadn't, see might have been jumping off the EDGE with me.......

40 lines uppin 4 extex.......

[.Etxegreshun.]

i have my eyes in troubled skies, not knowing why i'm here
and why i live a lie, i try to make them dissapear
my blood is running clear, no pigment, tinted scarlet
try to illuminate the room amongst the insistant darkness
im lovelost and seeming heartless, deeply charred by angst
my temples ache in torment, from whichever way i glance
visionly impaired, im scared but in a tranquil state
the whites of my eyes intensify as my pupils dilate
i lay a rotting shadow, as if my soul has escaped me
and all because i lay iin wait, for a sulution to b gave me
deprived of so much, but it seems i have so little to gain
i picture myself as im seen, but i never seem to be in frame
i am the outside of the box, i am what people think about
i dont appear to be essential but im what you couldnt live without
i am nothing, but am there i see everything but blinded
my paradise is non existant, for everythings where i reside in
you dream about me in a sea of conscious, never unaware
you see me, as i appear, i move your view even when you stare
depictions of writtens, imagery forced through no colour
i retract from one but stay, as concentration sees another
i am the apparent magic, thats there when you run on empty
i have not 1 possesion, but am content because i feel plenty
i am what you know not what it came, to be but always existed
i am what you feel fighting back, at once when pain is inflicted
i help in conflict and in peace, i help in voices and in silence
choices and guidance, i kill with ammunition but without a license
i recover from a fall, a hit, i even help to get you high
without me you would perish, or even ever be alive
u never see me or feel me as such, but you know im there
i am the most important thing to you, i am the only.
i am AIR



a few topics touched upon. i am gonna do sumthing good in a few weeks maybe

[BrEaK-PoInT]

cool glad u showed uppin 4 votes!

[?MYSTERIOUS?]

nice drop nice drop, fellin both drops... good flow for both as well as flow im have to give this 2 break point to me it was a lil ••••• story, both drops were nice just about even this had 2 be a feelin vote so im have to go with break point

vote=breakpoint

again nice drops

[Anaphora]

Breakpoint: The scheme for this was really simple, make me bleed/make me see especially stood out... but there was plenty of company for it... not much inner rhyming, then stuff like: blood water... no need for the water, just standing in blood chest high... plenty enough right there... as for the story... it was kinda boring, I'm sorry... it just didn't give me anything to keep me interested... knew right up front that the guy was a heroin addict, but if you would've just hinted at it more as opposed to saying it, there would've been more reason to keep reading...

Extex: Right off this had a nice flow to it, which definitely helped me get into it...
try to illuminate the room amongst the insistant darkness
-amidst I think would be the proper wording, but its not a big deal really... but also like, visually impaired, not visiony... small stuff like that really helps people stick more to the story and flow... also 'a solution to be gave me' is just really, really bad english. The idea of this was fairly simple, some of the points were a little out there, but it was pretty nice regardless...

Vote: Extexgreshun. Honestly, his was a little more interesting to me, and the flow was a lot better as well...

[Lucifer Leviathan]

[color=red]...close battle...

...break's topics weren't displayed well, but the story went fairly smooth...
...probably should have elaborated more on the feelings of bieng on edge/the edge...
...but it flowed smooth, wasn't stumbly, and ended well...

...ex's verse flowed well and all...
...but the running metaphors didnt seem that creative, and it started to sort of drone...

...vote/break...
...story kept me more interested...[color]

[.Etxegreshun.]

yeh that 'solution to be gave me' was pretty bad wasnt it, i forced it a bit. lol

2-1

[Menso]

Vote Break

I actually liked the verse alot. Some parts did have a simple rhyme scheme, but im judging on your story as much as your rhyme. Kept me interested, wasnt the most powerful piece, but i could feel for your character. ps.. drop in white, red makes people blind.

Ext was nice.. the rhymescheme was superior to Breaks, and flow was real nice. It ws real nice, poetic. Very descriptive.

[BusterHymen]

Break Point
I think you wrote a pretty decent verse. The flow and scheme of the whole piece was nice but the content was lacking in certain spots. The twist you tried to portray was easily seen about a quater into the verse. It was a good read but the subtle hints were to easy to detect and realize what was going on.

Extergreshun
Your flow was really good and it helped to make your piece easier to read and stay into it. But the metaphors were slightly creative and your wroding in parts wasn't all that great. I think the sotry itself was fairly creative but the wording and bad grammer limited it to a certain extent.

Vote - BreakPoint

I think if EX would of proofread the piece before posting it, perhaps all the grammer mistakes would of been noticed. Also I just feel that BP's sotry was able to grab my attention and hold it slightly more than EX.

[DMeTRIUS]

winner break point