37- Ibeechu Farensquare (1-0) vs 38- Aquai Tance (1-0)

[A.S.K]

DUE DATES


VERSES DUE Thursday 10:00pm PACIFIC/1:00am EST/

VOTES DUE Sunday 10:00am PACIFIC/1:00pm EST


TOPICS

http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...50#post9514550

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60 lines - MAXIMAL


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Go Forth and Produce

[Aqwai Tance]

Hey.. will edit with chosen topic/storyline..

[Ibeechu Farensqure]

here

[Ibeechu Farensqure]

heres a quick one

story: fed ex has dropped a package at your door, you open it to find something that nearly kills you, what is it, expand...


the door bell rang and I heard a guy yell 'fed ex'
I jumped out of the shower and yelled 'be there in a second'
I ran down the stairs with the quickest of agility
and opened the door as my towel fell in humilaty
the guy laughed a bit, rips out the clipboard and says 'sign here'
and judging by the size of the box, I knew it was my DKNY gear
the guy left in the truck, as I opened the box hastely
and to my surprise, It was a giant frosted top pastry
the look on my face deemed pissed that I got the wrong package
then looked all around the box wondering where the tag is
it was stuck on the bottom, the label said 'to bonnie kramer'
"oh shit! this is the wedding cake for my hottie neighbor"
he got the wrong address, it's all good, it's easy enough
I'll just walk over and drop it off and holla at her to see whats up
and so I did, I walked over, knocked on her door, I had the cake
I saw no car in the driveway, I guess her man was working late
she answered the door, I dropped my jaw like 'oh my god'
the girl had on only panties, a tank top, with no bra
i gave her the cake, looked in her eyes, and gave her a flirting chuckle
she THREW the cake on the ground and started loosing my belt buckle
she tugged on my dick, I lifted her shirt and pushed her on the couch
playin with her titties while Im showing my tounge up in her mouth
I broke out the latex as she played with her clit....got damn!
I proceeded towards her and then I heard the car door slam
she was like "it's my fiance....u gotta go" as I picked up my clothes quick
the guy knew what was up cause he prolly saw the front door open
I saw blur in the front window, and it was a quick one at that
I was runnin and trippin, puttin my pants on....when he snapped
"You son of a bitch" he yelled as started throwing fisticuffs
and slapped his girl as he demanded to know where his pistol was
this guy was gonna kill me if he ended up grabbin that gat
so I ran as fast as I could out the crib and never looked back
jumped in a cab, pants half off, and thinkin "now I have to move"
thanks fed ex....now u know what a mistake in delivery can do

[Aqwai Tance]

The show must go on.

4th July I nearly died, due to intervention of a suicide.
That coincided with a day that was supposed to be held high,
To the bewildered sky, among the tyranny & scope of blocked flats
A shy old man w. his flat cap decided that he couldn’t hack the fact
That he no longer had contact with his wife. Was drenched in strife,
I knew his life as my partner used to care for him through the night.
Held his hand tight, so that he grasped onto something of love,
While his world was above, but her lifeless body below.
All night
He used to sob his heart out wishing he perish and go,
To the land where Grace rested and unwind without a care.
Praying he’d be there, my girl would sob at his woeful stare,
As he finished his prayer on the 4th night of July, outside was I,
See my girl finished work at 9, & I waited in the bus shelter aside.
I saw a figure move in the corner of my eye, it was Stan..
The old man.
He was on the roof of the care home at the edge making a stand,
With his cap in hand, he didn’t say a word, but made movements of a bird.
Then I saw him raise his fingers one by one, when he jumped on the 3rd,
.
“Nooooooo”, I screamed.
.
Peered & beamed, stood in shock & awe but then redeemed,
My bodies reaction team. So I stood directly below the old mans fall
Letting him know I was there with a call-
.
“Stan! I won’t let you end it all!”
.
With a mighty fall, 160 pounds smashed onto my upper body case,
As the extent of the crash was inserted into the base of my face.
.
Darkness,
Its bleak,
.
Awaken.
.
“You have a ruptured spleen, 5 broken ribs & are paralysed below the waist.
Just bless the lord you wasn’t taken to the heavens of a forsaken place”
.
“What happened to Stan? Did he survive? Tell me if he’s alive”
.
“I’m sorry he landed comfortably, but had a heart attack and died”
.
I hold my girls hand, glance at my son.. how my life had lost a tonne,
With Stan dead and me useless, how the fuck can the show go on?

[Awedishin]

ummm

ya know what

vote = Ibeechu farensquare

Aquai....what was that? I might be lost but I don't get how this random old guy killing himself by jumping on you has anything to do with the show going on? I'm lost...but anyways, you had some bad vocab/word choice going...for instance "Just bless the lord you wasn’t taken to the heavens of a forsaken place" that shit ain't natural and doesn't really fit because a doctor/nurse would never say that.

Ibeechu, that shit was pretty funny....I could see it coming in the first few lines but still very entertaining in the least. PRetty well written and a fun read, so easily the winner IMO

[i dot q]

ibeechu- your verse was basic scheme wise, story was predictable after you went to the house but i really enjoyed the piece as a whole. though the scheme was basic flow as flawless though simple. overall this was an entertaining piece of story telling.

aquai- you came with a more complex scheme that was harder to catch. the story was predictable. i diddnt like how oyu ended it at all. overall its obvious you have skills but i dont know if tis was your topic.

vote- ibeechu

[DMeTRIUS]

over no shows

[KML`]

I also have IF winning this. It was hard for me to grasp on to a concept or something in Aqua's verse. It was a dope verse. But i dont know I may have missed something.

IF came pretty nice, really interesting read. made me laugh also

[Vulgar]

IF-shit was funny.lol@a weddin cake comin in the mail.but overall it was a good story

Aquai-i think you tried to do too much with your topic.and that made it borin and i couldnt really follow it

vote-IF

g'luck to both

[Thaumaturge]

let me start off by saying


Both stories were horrible

now..
v/Ibeechu

he did a predictable story, and i didnt like the last sentence really, cus the girl was a good thing...n i dont know, it was jus bad luck the dude came home, wasnt feelin the flow or nothin

Other cat-uh....you had ight flow at least, but the story made no sense to me whatsoever
is this some eminem reference? like stan-eminem show, i dont know, thats the best i could come up wit n i know im not right, this was jus stupid to me, take more time next time explaining the significance of everything in your story

keep improving

[TeKneeK]

I get the feeling that ibeechu is saving up until he climbs higher up in ranks... you have potential and capability of being very good.. and a unique texthead in here... cus ur not predictable with structure... u have more of a audiotype style when u write.. WHICH I LIKE ALOT! ---- this was a tad lackluster but comedic to the core

Aquai
I lost concentration nor interest in reading what you were trying to build upon... some of the lines didnt rhyme wit the next and it was out of format in some lines... you have great steps in knowing how to make the rhyme quality readable but the story was very bland and hard to coat...



vote IBECHU

[Sercle]

Vote = IBeechu...

very solid verse...keep me intrested all the way thru

Aquai....i enjoyed this...but it felt like it lacked a certain something...but none theless you came nice

Vote=Ibeechu

[A.S.K]

ibechu wins

but please post links in future