33. 9volt (2-0) -v- 34. ace boogie (2-0)

This is a discussion on 33. 9volt (2-0) -v- 34. ace boogie (2-0) within the RapMusic's Storytelling League forums, part of the Text Battle Leagues category; DUE DATES VERSES DUE Thursday 10:00pm PACIFIC/1:00am EST/ VOTES DUE Sunday 10:00am PACIFIC/1:00pm EST TOPICS http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=769787 LINE LIMIT 4 lines ...


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Old 07-12-2004, 12:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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33. 9volt (2-0) -v- 34. ace boogie (2-0)









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Topics 7-11-2004

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Old 07-16-2004, 12:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Ace Boogie takes it up the butt!
Frozen Moment

Rundown neighborhood, lawn remains uncut and the door is ajar
Appearence is dirty, windows are broken and the stench is bizarre
Inside lies a home dictated by narcotics and class A drug abuse
The owners say they're addicted but thats no reasonable excuse
Everything bought is with money from benefit and unemployment aid
The child put's on a brave face, thats nothing more than a masquerade
Poor, miserable child tries to help but is only greeted with hostility
How can we ignore "loving" parents abusing their own responsibilities?
Inside the suffering child is attempting masking the suffering and pain
Starving, facing malnutrition because food is replaced with crack cocaine
Within could be the promising talent that could lead to great success
Yet the attitude of his unreliable guardians is destined to supress
Disgraced by his father who thinks its reasonable to beat on his wife
Ignoring the screams he remains ignorant to the effects of his strife
And he had to break himself, free from staring into all this
He nudged his toys away, he swung one of his clenched fists

His fist met the mirror, and finally as a token,
He saw myself as he always did before, just simply broken,

He pieces together the shards of the mirror, broken, left in ruin
But all he sees is a grotesque face with braces freshly screwed in
An acned teen, face red and uncleaned, a vile visual preception
He never forgets a face, this time I'll be glad to make an exception
A twitching eye, an atrocious nose left leaning leftwards protruding
A disturbing sight as he looks at the lips chapped and rawly chewed in
He softly mutters, "I am not ugly", a common denial still in youth
But we all know a lie told enough becomes and turns into the truth
As flies fly rompant around the putrid air that his body embraces
A flea flicks off his sebaceous hair into some wax his ear encases
Tears stream down his ill-favored face, as he yearns for some affection
But he can't fufill his desire because he's the one looking at his reflection

The child is gone now, his past rarely talked about, quirkly disturbed
If we could relive his youth, no contest to what he would of preferred
Instead of the childhood that remained painful and incomplete
The broken home only wishes for a life free of misery and deceit

Years Later You Would Notice

The porch creaks, as the fence whistles through the air
Leads us to the closed door, locked with the nights terror
A fire is started inside, carpet slowly burns and decays
And a miniature earthquake trembles where the family portriat lays
Pictures are painted, rainbows brushed against the wall
House miraculously standing, really it's meant to fall
As the windows open time to time...
...the breeze refreshes the homes dusty smell
And the grandfather clock stands broken in the corner
When will it get back to work? Only the hands of time can tell
The corridor lies open, tempting you to sneak in
Nails form more puddles, than the sink does from it's leaking
A tricycle moves across the lawn, ghosts ride it for a blast
Family album burns, because hell is the families past
But the house is still standing, standing strong...
And the memories are still standing, standing strong...

Last edited by Ace Boogie; 07-16-2004 at 07:39 AM. Reason: Due to the extension I just added the rest of my verse thought 9V wasn't showing
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Old 07-17-2004, 01:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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The day to day struggle, of a single father...

August 10th, 2000
I walk in the door and the mother of my children/
well she's drunk on the floor, it's so sickening/
I know at some point she will need a new liver/
cuz the complications of drinking since 10 will soon end her/
but I can't afford any sort of transplant, so she might die/
only thing I can do is look up to my lord on high/
and pray he saves my two young boys of 3 and 5/
too young to go on without a mother to hold in their eyes/

January 21st, 2001
My beautiful bride waits for me again in a beautiful dress/
but the sight of her casket which encompasses her brings too much stress/
I break and cry but my little boys hold me up/
they tell me that mommy is heaven and she'd want you to stand up/
and be tall and strong like all good daddies are/
so I put on a tough face over all the emotional scares/
I almost regret marrying an alcholic but hault/
because alanon meetings tell me i'm not at fault/
I can't even barely believe that shit, I want to walk out/
My wife left me for liquor, dawg she just sold out/
but she couldn't help it, her parents introduced her to a drug she couldn't quit/
so I hold my boys while inside i'm crying, shuttering, and throwing a fit/

August 26, 2003
it's my youngest boy's first day of school/
the other one is now 8 and the epitome of cool/
atleast in his young eyes, and he will turn 9 in the fall/
plus he is just starting to play football and basketball/
as a single father I do all the cooking and cleaning/
errands and shaueffering to wherever they're going/
plus I work a full time job, from 6 to to 3/
then I get home just before the bus so my boys can meet me/
out in the front yard, we appear to live such a happy life/
but I often toss and turn and even cry in the night/
the fact that they were deprived of a mother at such a young age/
eats my soul inside and encourages much rage/


so as a side job slash activity I have decided to start boxing/
i'm only small time but the money is easy/
because I get it on contract my only requirement is the beating/
and I barely get time for myself or to go out dating/
it's hard to get baby sitters for boys who aren't babies/
but i'm doin the best I can and sometimes I feel like i'm gonna collapse/
and I go to Narcotics Anonymous but I still haven't relapsed/
over 4 years ago I realized I had a problem when I looked in the mirror/
and once I started to take care of it seemingly disappeared/

June 16, 2004
My body lies in peace now, even I can see that/
and the reason is because of cocaine, I had a relapse/
a problem that seemingly went by the wayside/
arose from stress when I was praying by the bedside/
my boys live with their aunt and uncle now, I couldn't be more proud/
and I couldn't be more ashamed of myself than I am now/
I died while trying to obtain the drug and got caught in the wrong house/
the police raided when I arrived and I caught 2 in the mouth/
I was not the target but by no means was I an innocent/
I can't blame the accident on anyone but me cuz I didn't even attempt to handle it/
I just tried to escape and that was obviously the wrong thing/
now I lie dead with the memory quickly draining from my brain/
see the problem with drug addiction is that it nevers leaves you/
and always rears its ugly head at the wrong time and hurts the wrong people/
now my boys have no parents, at 7 and 9 as the youngest stares at picture frame/
to young to know that he lost one to alcoholism and the other to cocaine/

peace!
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Old 07-17-2004, 01:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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ace boogie: Your topic was frozen moment, but it seemed to be a chronological progression if anything. Good descriptions but not much plot movement. Overall grade: B-

9volt: I liked your diary format, but you just kind of surprised the reader with the father's coke addiction. You mention something about boxing, and then say NA like you mentioned him picking up crack earlier on. Overall grade: B

Vote: 9volt
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Old 07-17-2004, 02:30 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 07-17-2004, 04:51 AM   #7 (permalink)
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...AB...
...flow, rhyme scheme and cadence were okay...
...i really liked this portrayal, i didnt see it as chronological, i read it as reflective...
...i like the angle of seeing the house bieng the single moment, which still held the myriad of episodes...
...ive had that feeling before, and maybe thats why i see it that way...

...9v...
...flow multis and rhyme scheme were nice in many parts...
...the diary format was a great idea, but i agree that the cocaine od was kind of rushed in...
...it didnt mesh well- that doesnt make this a bad piece, but it took it down a notch or 2...
...made the story seem chunky...

...vote/AB...
...the story came together and fell apart alot more smoothly in my opinion...
...if it werent for how 9v ended, it would have been a close match though...
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Old 07-18-2004, 01:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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vote = 9volt

Ace if you had chosen a diff topic it woulda made more sense, but really the very very end was all that fit the frozen moment topic...so the rest didn't follow. Well written nonetheless, I can't vote for ya if you didn't stay on the topic all the way through. It was a bad week for topics though, so I kinda feel ya.

Volt, your flow is pretty basic...in most parts, the story itself was alright....I didn't really go for the father getting addicted to a substance on top of everything he went through..although very believable it wasn't anything new, ya know. Ya gotta twist it up better than that, but pretty well written for the most part...good job staying on topic....and not a bad piece in general

good luck guys
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Old 07-18-2004, 06:08 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Ok I'm going to vote on a couple of matches.. even tho I am behind in mine.. oh well..

Anyways

9Volt I think your story was told good. I enjoyed the different days and how they all ended up connecting to one another in the end. With him ending up addicted and him losing his sons. It was a pretty basic story though with a simple plot. Although it unfolded good it wasn't extremely over creative. But you followed the topic completely and you wrote a solid verse.

Ace Boogie your verse was different. It had more of a darker feel to it. It was well written and the word choice was good. I enjoyed though the way you chose to make the house reflect on the single moment. The way you started with a description of the house and the inside of it.. leading to the moment in the end when you talk of it being destroyed yet it is still standing there. After all the horrors that gone through it.

I think this was a good match between you two. But I think AB took this one. Simply because of the way his was written. Felt he came a little more creative than 9volt.

Vote - Ace Boogie
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Old 07-18-2004, 02:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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winner 9


would've been a tie, but ace voted on one less match deducting a vote
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