42- Thaumaturge V 43- Tripl3

[Vern Acular]

VERSES DUE Thursday 10:00pm PACIFIC/1:00am EST/

VOTES DUE Sunday 10:00am PACIFIC/1:00pm EST


COLLECT YOUR TOPIC OF CHOICE HERE:
topics for the week of june 13th

LINE LIMIT:
4 lines - NO SHOWS
16 lines - MINIMAL
60 lines - MAXIMAL


VOTING:
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No 2nd Chance Votes



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Go Forth and Produce

[Tripl3]

Checkin in...

I'ma probably do tha 'revenge' topic....

[Thaumaturge]

Religion

Run down houses, shacks, police dogs and panic,
Shots and dead kids getting grave robbed by their parents...
Living constantly under surveilance..pickin a crew to ride with,
And when somebody's graved, aint enough money for liquor to spew beside it.
Depend only upon yaself, no trust is felt..n if u shunned from help,
u might get copper poured on u n left to rust to death.
Religion is vacant, spaced from any courageous imagination,
ceremonial communions with a conscientious connection to cults of consecration.
And if god loves everyone...then why doesnt he buy me a bible,
or make me a fire...and allow me to condense my knee-highs in a drier.
path destined for a cage, my last laugh left when I was 8,
so if wine is the blood of christ, my betrayer manifested from a grape.
love is annorexic in its shape, all my plans invested into hate,
Due to a past that overlaps every forecast that bands the present with its state.
Brass and metal tip tha stakes that pin my chest, life a paralysis,
No cross is gonna change the inaccurate balances of my fragmented chalices.
Ya holy book is fake, all that escaped onto a page was praised in vein,
Cus how u expect me to love thy mother n father when u put em in a grave.
Ice in my veins, I hafta think solid if I wanna survive...
I've fallen to hundreds of knives to the side while still strugglin to fight.
My body is my temple, I have faith in that..
On the outside are sheets of flagrant wrath in caps wit all the pages scratched.
My father who art in heaven- ur nothin but a picture made of clouds,
Why listen to religions wit scriptures that dont deliver bank accounts.
I am my own man, my soul went into prostetic hope now lost,
Jesus hanged by a cross? i was hanged across a clothesline wit an 100 ft. drop
Stretched limb to limb...hatred is a crutch for the weak,
Cus all you left me for was lament for unnumbered diceased.
so sure, I'll kneel down and pray under ya wish...
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As soon as u tell me why the lower half of my waist doesnt exist...

[Tripl3]

Revenge

Teetering on the brink of a satanic suicidal syndrome…
Wallowed in the brink of a visit to Satan’s kingdom…
Eyes of despair, wear and tear have never been so clear…
Fear is of the near, revenge his only accomplice as a peer…
Furious memories of a life portrayed to its fall…
Drugs, slugs, thugs, corrupt-all have at once beckoned its call…
Eyes fitted towards an outside separated by a lone glass plane…
A Bible rests in the corner of the lair, if only he had prayed…
But God delays in admitting his sons into his promise…
But time was at a premium-of patience, he was no author…
The pain he had caused had become to extreme…
Like the greed of an athlete, he had chosen to switch teams…
To market himself in the name of envy and self corruption…
A family dream interrupted from one man’s own destruction…
Saw his bearer slain by a knife of his own hands…
Just for some •••els so he could replenish the head man…
The struggle just a baby compared to their lifetime endeavors…
Scorned by the words of a mom who spoke of hatred never…
But together is never forever and this lesson he taught…
Chose to sacrifice the blood of the lamb for his own damn naught…
To savor the rage for yesterday took his name and his family…
One chance to live life again and he’d turn it all in happily…
His own damn mother, taken out of a idiotic state of contempt…
On this, her day of birth, with 12 of those last months unspent…
No father to grimace and teach him the ropes of these wars…
Idolizing the drug hounds who manipulated him at each corner…
Became one of them so that a piece of him would live thru them…
Now a solace of solitude has embraced his life of sin and service…
So if he was to die today only engraved names would notice…
And if he was to die today, only society would flourish…
So if one life equals another, and its an eye for an eye…
And promises are broken by family, so it’s a lie for a lie…
Revenge is but of another fate that engulfs what truths may lie…
Two shots to the head for the death of his solemn life’s lone alibi…

[Type Writer]

Thaumaturge

very nice verse i loved the personification all through your verse, a bit of alliteration as well, your end rhyme aka multi's were pretty nice, decent flow, structure was good, and the transition was smooth, an appealing read with an average ending, all in all, i'd say this was an excellent read, good job

Tripl3

the ending was a bit cliched and i saw it coming, you had a little imagery which ed your verse a bit, but your lack of flow really created a problem for me, so couplets didn't rhyme as well, your verse was put together pretty good as far as staying on topic, but your mechanics were off, work on the aspects i pointed out and you should do pretty good in this league

Overall

when it comes down to my final decision, the writer that displayed better writing skills, in all aspects, including the use of his literary terms, flow, etc...IMO was Thaum, Trip had an ok verse, but was basically outclassed here, thaum really impressed me, good battle though

Vote - Thaumaturge

[Anaphora]

Tha: Man, sorry, but I couldn't get into this... nothing really grabbed me, and I really do apologize... because I couldn't find much wrong with the writing... some of the lines were a bit long, but nothing horrible... but the verse was slow moving, long winded, could've used some paring down I think, maybe some imagery thrown in there, or... I dunno, this was like, a topical with a little story to it, but mostly a topical, and try as I can to like them, it just hardly ever works out...

Tripl3: Stuff like satanic/satan in that close of proximity detracts from the verse a little, its real easy to miss though, if you don't go through and edit your verse like, an hour after you write it... promise/author is a bit of a stretch for a rhyme... then the syntax of: "spoke of hatred never" is mixed up for the rhyme, something I always harp on people for doing, even in the top 10 people do it... the story really jumped around a lot too... if you proceed linearly it will make the shit a lot easier to follow...

Vote: Neither story really engaged me, which is probably my own damned fault, sorry guys... so I gotta go with the verse that I feel was written better, and I think Thaumaturge edged it out a little bit in that category... close match though... hopefully other people will dig the stories, cuz I hate being so negative.

[Tha Talent]

Thaumaturge:
no clue what your name means, but that's beyond the point...this was a pretty nice verse...the concept was similiar to what i was expecting to see this week, because of the religion topic...plenty of bantering about why God ruined your life...except i really liked the twist you added...you brought in an element of more than the basic struggle, but a much more serious struggle...it gave the verse a surreal feel on the second read...and you foreshadowed it well using words like prosthetic...the flow was at times a little awkward, and i wish you would have told more about how the character gained that condition, but it was a good verse.

Tripl3:
a lot of people come into the league and try to wow the readers with a grandiose concept and high level word choice...it works if you can write on the level of Omen...honestly though, this piece seemed forced...some of the word choice was just flat out awkward and misused...i feel like you know how to write, but you just need to find yourself as a writer...try being more natural in your word choice, and build yourself up to writing masterpieces, instead of trying to write them when you aren't ready...what happened in this verse was the story line was lost in the zealous writing style.

vote=Thaumaturge
his word choice was much more comfortable
and his story line was better.

[Quotive]

Thaumaturge - liked the multies... used them in half the flow though, hate that shyt.. but yo DOPE storytelling, ending was off the damn hook

Tripl3 - this was kind of boring, man... i dont know, nothing stuck out, i dont know.. but it was a good attempt

Vote - Thaum.. dude with the weird ass name lol

[straight up]

thaum--- like all the multies u had in tha verse...i argree wit quotive though on how u only had um n like half tha verse.
kinda confused me a bit


tripl3---not a very well riten verse
laked multies an was boring
u tried but didnt make it


vote THAUMATURGE

[DahLohner]

Damn this was really close.

Thaum- Interesting verse. Before you sit and write, tho, make sure you have at least a vague concept of the direction you want to take with the writing, some of this seemed to ramble, lose focus, etc. Also, form is essential to meaning, hence, sloppy form equals lost meaning. it's tough, i know very well this fact, but make a more concentrated effort to really hammer out your syllable usage, vocab, rhyme scheme etc. Im not saying find something everyone else is doing, you do a great job at being you, letting your individual ideas and voice shine through, but you don't want the fascinating imagery you use to be bogged down in bad form.its a thin line, i challenge you to make it a priority in your writing.

Triple3- This was just awkward. you had some classy lines, but like Thaum, the story/topic seemed too vague and ambiguous. Work on leading the reader down the path he/she needs to take in order to create a dialogue between you and the voter. This is at times hermetic, at other times jus plain boring. Your vocab however, is your strong suite. I say, use that knowledge to your advantage, and find some original touches to stand out.

Vote-Thaumaturg by a pubic hair.

IMOUT

[DMeTRIUS]

over no shows

[Tripl3]

Votes:

34- Dahloner V 35- Freedom

44- Type Writer V 45- Young Gawd

10- Tekneek (36-11) V 11- Harlequin (10-3)

26- Quotive (1-0) V 27- Status Quo (1-0)

24- Atreyu (1-1) V 25- Alpengeist (1-0)

06- Khoi Ngujin (9-2) V 07- Noib da Mutt (9-3)

[Krooked*k]

i had a whole long vote breakin down how i felt bout yll verses and everything....but It erased when I tryed to post so..
ill touch on a few things real quick that I liked

thaum: in your verse I felt like your character had a real resentment towards god, for his parents and what-not..but also you gave off the feeling that he would have liked to have been able to expierience god, but couldn't because of all the negitivity around him, and then your ending was nice and kinda summed up the reason why he felt that way..
liked your verse..few nice multi, flow was nice..
strong drop

tripl3-
I also liked your verse had some nice multis,flow was nice
it seemed liked you were writing from the perspective of his emotions prior to finalizing his decision to take his revenge..
i liked your verse also here
i think i liked thaum a little more
but both came nice imo

[young gawd]

vote thau

you had a good verse, my one suggestion is too slim down your bar length.
for ex
ceremonial communions with a conscientious connection to cults of consecration.
that syllable count is the usualy sum of 2 bars not one! other than that i liked how you executed the topic. including your resentment towards god and twist. i think you had the better topical in this matchup

[Vern Acular]

thaum W
trip L