WEST: 03- Tekneek vs 11- Lord Drama

[Vern Acular]

ROUND 2



:: TOPICS ::

http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...02#post8856002


:: BAR/LINE LIMITS ::

min = 24
max = 48

:: VOTING ::

voting is mandatory, you must vote and post links on ( 5 ) battles, you will be deducted if you dont, if you cant vote on time, aim me and tell me why and maybe i'll let you slide, but im an asshole so you better have a good reason

:: DUE DATES ::

verses = thursday @ midnight eastern time
votes = sunday @ noon eastern time

*NO EXTENTIONS THIS WEEK FOR ANY REASON*

good luck

[TeKneeK]

ELITE vs AVS...


knuckle up.

[LDogg The King]

The Time Is Now.

Signing In....

[TeKneeK]

TOPIC: MARRIAGE

Ain nobody love me like you doooooo...

Ain nobody who be lovin me the way that u had..
Now the promises of bondage with us touching in hand
Has me off of my rear, standin.. facing the aisle
Reminiscent of those days when I embraced your whole style
Every silhouette of you in the shadows of the light
Had me sit depicting visions when you came to my sight
In spite of all the tragedies of the heartbreaks before
I never could imagine what my future life had in store
The gleam that radiated from the silk of your hair
And the honey-coated skin from both your shoulders were bare
It made me wanna take a stand, behind you.. define you.
To dream of many nights together spent and then rewind you.
Bring back the times of how the pleasure you obtained
Was accentuated thoroughly while easin’ my pain
You’re like the modern day Isis.. your imagery is priceless
It made me understand exactly who my future wife is
The candlelight was niceness, we conversated well
From all the difficulties we predicted were expelled
Her skin was purely silkened from the back of my hand
From what the touch had sent me mentally, my mind would expand
Sharin’ dreamiest adventures at the shores on the beach
Discussin plans to map our future with no stutters in speech
So I looked into her eyes while she was storytellin’ tales
It made her stop to notice I was under her spell
As her grin sent a message, a sexplay engaged
We elevated a stage to where our passion’s enraged
She made me dig that deep… from all the sex that we did
It was evident from everything that she was my rib
My other half life companion to bear us some kids
So we can live our future home to furnish us with some cribs
It was all dreamt perfect as I stood in the front
To have my half beside me smiling both engaged in the love
With her sheer white veil, her white dress trailed
Holding hands to let our promise slip into her fingernail
We spoke our devotions, till death do us part
From the 1st moment when she had entered my heart
It was all blessed from God for us to be wed together…
For my boo, my wiz, my other half…

Ill be forever.



Ain nobody love me like you do….

The End

[LDogg The King]

you've been lost for the past few days, not because you dont where you are, but you dont know who you are, everything you ever held dear to you has been deleted from your life, can you find yourself again and move on, or will you just evaporate in the emptyness



I’m going to tell this story like it was just yesterday when it happened..


cuz that’s how it seemed before the letter, before my eyes
caught sight of what put to rest my thought of immortal life
to tell this story to its full I got to tell you of the past
back when gossip was told in school as we walked the halls an laughed
didn’t really care for girls.. not at all in fact.. but see
I came across a special one who I pictured on my family tree
we lost our virginity in my bedroom, just us two in the dark
before she ruined my heart, we grew from the spark, to love
I knew from the start
that this would be that person to open me up to going wild
releasing me from the loneliness of being an only child
I had a habit of attachment an was afraid to be alone
therapist told me that was from never having a mother at home
was raised with my dad. Who cared so much he came into class
after school an asked the teachers why my grades were so bad
he never liked my friends, blamed them for all of my trouble
so I was forced to stay at home an live inside a bubble
my social life was unhealthy, was the type that was shy
with no self confidence an hated being that type of guy
so u can see why I needed to keep this girl around
at night would dream of her an sleep to the squeaks of my gerbils sounds
an as my face lay on the pillow with my eyelids closed
my timeline exposed the lies that my gentle mind had known
for in the back of my head doubt had formed, it came together
an brought raining weather washing away hopes we'd remain forever
but I refused to give into all of the fears of tomorrow
so that tears would not bottle the years into sorrow

as we aged are communication broke an raised the rage
brought up inside ourselves questioning the pain we gave
I was slowly losing my love, my dream, the hugs from my queen
depression turned me silent. The drugs made her scream
an when she left me it all stopped.. I just wanted to talk
make her love me again an show her she’s all that I got
the days seemed so worthless... it use to be so perfect
nervous cuz now the road to happiness didn’t seem so worth it
my life I had given to god, as a gift to the power
because I really didn’t know how to live with or without her
a week had past before at last she gave me a sign
leaving me a letter with pain in her mind engraved in the lines
its funny how similar are feelings were after comparing
the letter to how I cared, unthankful for never sharing
are only difference was that she was willing to move on
me, being the old tune... her, wanting a new song
I couldn’t understand her strength to just up an leave
our past to rest with the four years of our memories
every place I went or thing I did reminded me of US
that’s when I knew she had to pay! for breaking my trust
all I can tell you is the panic in her eyes made me prey to die
my brain was fried...
choked her to death without the chance to even say goodbye

[A.S.K]

Upz this as the first battle

[Vern Acular]

tekneek...

amazing flow, cant nobody love me like you dooooo, this was great man, i loved it beginning to end, the love for a person can always be written into words so well, and you did your thing here, the analogy of her being your rib was potrayed very nice, good metaphor, only thing you really lacked in this was multi's and i felt the emotion could've been a slight better, but other than that, this was a good solid piece, well written, props to ya


l-dogg...

again, the flow here was great, but the emotion felt in the piece was overwhelming, you took 4 years of love for a girl and ended it with 4 lines, from a personal tip i cant relate to this, being with a girl for a long time, and then all of a sudden she's just ready to leave, these lines were great...

"are only difference was that she was willing to move on
me, being the old tune... her, wanting a new song

...this was an excellent read, strong writers voice, and because i could relate made me like it even more, your only flaw was the flow was off sometimes and made me back track, but other than that, i loved it



overall...

this is hard battle to vote on, we went from a perfect love to a shattered one, it came down to tragedy or triumph, and i have to go with my gut on this one and give it to l-dogg, i was just moved more by his, being it fit so perfectly into my past relationship, although i'd rather live tekneeks verse, i have to settle for l-dogg's and he get's my vote, this will be close though, good shit fellas, i knew this wasn't going to bea dissapointment you both did your thing


vote - L-Dogg...

[Vember]

Tekneek-nicely worded, and consistently good throughout the whole thing, Ending couldve been like some kind of sublimible message within it, or something, but u jus kinda ended it normally, which was fine tho, overall really good to the topic i thot, readin it out loud it got the littlest bit repetitive...but w/e

L dogg-this shit was FIRE...it kept me wanting to read , it wasnt jus tellin useless information or different occasions that all are tied to the same theme, i felt u told a mini-story in a lot of the lines, and the flow wasnt dull-ish like tek's, i stayed hooked on this till the end,
are only difference was that she was willing to move on
me, being the old tune... her, wanting a new song"
i thot that was ill, then the ending, was a bomb...its somewhat of a usual scenario, but the way you worded it, and led up to it thruought the story was Nice...then the "without the chance to even say goodbye" jus wrapped it up nicely, and gave a sense of emptiness...loved this

2 good verses, but i thought l dogg's story jus was more of a story from beginning to end, with ever bit of information entertaining and leading up to the impending feellin at the end

v/L dogg

[Tha Talent]

Tek.
i've gotta say, i really felt your verse last week, but not so much this week...it was just a love verse...there was nothing special...there was no story told...the metaphors weren't astounding, aside from the rib one which was pretty solid...i thought the flow was on point, as always, but at the same time i wish you would mix your rhyme scheme up a little more...still, it was VERY smooth in all ways, and the wording was nice, i think you have improved yourself in that catagory...the problem with this verse was that it stagnated and was so simplistic in content.

L-Dogg
as i was reading this, i really liked it more and more...the details given, the little nuances such as the gerbil gave it a much more realistic perspective...the feelings felt stronger...and i loved the line about the new song...this was well worded throughout...very easy to read and at the same time added a wit and grace that is a sign of a skilled writer...the story itself was fairly standard...however, i did not like the ending very much at all...the character you described was not filled with rage, he was depressed and weak...i can't see this character choking his girlfriend, and i don't feel as though you foreshadowed or lead up to the climax as well as you could have.

this is an intruiging match, because Tek went with a VERY safe approach, while L took a risk with a twist that didn't totally work...however, the twist was alright, and at least he had a twist...i'm going to cancel out what you two did with content, because neither was great nor bad.
so looking at it from a pure delivery outlook, i'd have to give this to L-Dogg...Tek, your wording and flow were smooth, but at the same time, only one line jumped out at me at all, and you didn't run with that concept like i feel you should have...L on the other hand had a nearly equally smooth verse but had some very witty lines and some other lines that weren't even witty, just so well worded that they stuck out.

so.
vote=L-Dogg.

[TeKneeK]

its funny how when im effortless like i was last week i win... and then when i think and try hard.. i lose...


ain that a bitch.

0-3.

[Insanevillian]

Vote L Dogg...

Both pieces were good... but here is where it came down to for me...

TeKneeL had alot of goodlines, i really enjoyed his rewind u line, however... L Doggs story came more in depth, and it explained alot more about the character he was portraying... I could see the character fully...

The thing TeKneek had tho is a story that everyone who has been in love could relate to, but i was feeling L doggs story more, cuz im a glutton for tragedy, and i could see glimpses of myself in the portrait he created...

good job fellas...

[TeKneeK]

Originally Posted by Tha Talent

Tek.
i've gotta say, i really felt your verse last week, but not so much this week...it was just a love verse...there was nothing special...there was no story told...the metaphors weren't astounding, aside from the rib one which was pretty solid...i thought the flow was on point, as always, but at the same time i wish you would mix your rhyme scheme up a little more...still, it was VERY smooth in all ways, and the wording was nice, i think you have improved yourself in that catagory...the problem with this verse was that it stagnated and was so simplistic in content.

well seeing that the topici chose was a TOPICAL...which meant elaborate on a TOPIC which was MARRIAGE


i did NOT purposely do a story .....

so putting that against me is...


aaa neva mind...

score remains as is.

[Tha Talent]

no, a topical is not to explain a topic, a topical is to develop a topic, while being ORIGINAL in your methods.
we can talk about this on AIM though.
that's enough from me.

[MC4SiGHT]

tek-this was great tek...writing about a loe you have is always good for bringing out some emotion in your stuff....the story was pretty basic just elling bout your love but it was really well wrote and the flow was nice.... -----"You’re like the modern day Isis.. your imagery is priceless"----the line for some reason just stuck out to me....i was really feeling that line i dunno why the whole verse was great but that shit was ill....overall a dope verse....

l-dogg- ...damn...can you say emotion...this shit was really really ill on the emotion side...i connected with this shit bigtime....like i can relate to some of things from this in my past....and then to have something like that end, and the way you ended it was just crazy....all that just to have her taken out ...it's like you lost her twice within the last 8 lines or so...you lost her emotionally and physically...it just came together and really really was j ust well done....props man...these the type of verses i'm in this league for...real dope

vote-L-dogg

[6th_plague]

Thanks for showing, Lets up this for some votes!

[DMeTRIUS]

tek i dont care how came about going towards it ..i really liked ur verse .... it was well written and i could see it put to a song but someone ... just not u ... lol ... just playing ..i think u suffered this time by not being up to ur usual par ... yea we all love a great story and lots of emotions ... but when u can bring a sick as flow to it it only makes it that much better ... and i think that's what l dogg had ... he touched on that other half of love ... that choke a muh'fucka love ... and i think that's what took it ... the idea of marriage is great ... but i dont think anyone is exactly yay and oh joy about it ...

so vote - doggy

[Calhoun Tibbs]

vote= L-Dogg

Ima have ta agree and make it a clean sweep for L-Dogg
Teks verse was a great verse. Everything was on par from what I would expect from him. The emotions the imagery down to his word choice and depth he gets into his topic. Its just that L-Dogg did everything just as well but the way his story moved along was more appealing.

[Idol Dot Z]

vote - LDogg
tek had a pretty good verse, but Lord Drama had some great wording, organization and emotion in this piece. you had a very strong writers voice. i think your piece just overwhelmed tek's through each category.

ncie shit.