EAST: 01- Tha Talent vs 16- Dark Nebula

[Vern Acular]

2004 RSTL TOURNEY


topics

Submit Tourney Topics Here

bar limit

24 bars min
48 bars max

due dates

verses due thursday 11:59 pm eastern
votes due sunday 11:59 am eastern

voting standards

anyone can vote
only broken down votes will count
you must vote on atleast 5 battles
you dont have to post links
but dont expect votes if you dont give them

misc. rules

you may not recycle verses
use only the topics provided
please only post verses, check ins, and votes
no freeposting

Good Luck

[DaRk NeBuLa]

all gravy...

checkin in

[Tha Talent]

i'm using "write a story that occurs entirely in a single second"

[DaRk NeBuLa]

Topic:
Ur 12...and get an 18 year old pregnant...lol

A Love Story... as weird as that may sound... hope you enjoy the reading
48 bars, lines... same shit... the max limit

My parents are going on vacation so my babysitter is coming
They need some time away from me, tryna stick another bun in the oven

Her name is Jazmine... it just rolls off my tongue
I often look at her holding my weiny.. just hopin to come,

Hopeless, in love??... at least that's how it seems through my eyes.
When we hold in a hug, a glowing image brings peace to my mind.

She'll be here tonight, I'm happy they're gonna go to Japan.
Smiling ear to ear as I help my parents load up the van.

As I finished helping them, it was late so my mom put me to sleep
while I waited for Jazmine to come and take a look in my dreams.

I know I'm hooked; I'm a phiend. I can handle the truth.
I'm planning to do the major thing that makes a man from my youth.

I wake up excited, she's brought me Fruity Pebbles in bed.
Fluffs my pillows behind me and kisses my cheek as she levels my head.

She's next to my bed, " Here's your breakfast sweety, I'll be back in a minute.
I just need to go make a call so take a bath when you're finished."

My reaction was splendid, as she left her image was perfect.
Fixed in my purpose with my young mind getting real nervous.

Relaxing, not tense, I go to the cabinet, grab some insents,
blaze em up, thinking bout making love as I lather and rinse.

Trapped in suspense when I hear her yelling over the phone.
I run out to the living room, she's blubbering then her nose just explodes.

I bring her some tissue and wipe her eyes as she leans on the pillows.
Thinking I'd kiss you if you'd just smile and let me be your hero.

"I hate men! They fucking suck! You should never become one."
She grins an inkling, but now I'm thinking that I'll never become one.

We're lying in each others arms and we both start to whimper.
She starts giving me weird looks like she's hoping I'll kiss her.

Her lips blow in a whisper as our mouths connect with passion.
She puts my fingers on her bra and BLAM... it gets unfastened.

Her breast and black nips caress my chest and that shit
felt so good, I knew I was blessed with magic.

I held her tits in my hand, giving her nipples a lick from a man.
She moaned and held me close as I continued to stick with the plan.

She's licking my ear and then I feel my dic just appear.
Rubbing against her thigh, we both look at it getting big for her here.

I'm pushed down to the floor and she takes off all of her clothes.
Her shorts to fall to her toes as shes lowered and crawls to my pole.

Her wet juices are felt, she lies on top of me so I just do what I felt
and grabbed her ass, gave it a slap and then a warm pool was expelled.

Bouncing back up made her titties give me a slap to the face.
As she starts working her hips, feeling her ass splash was just great.

She gives me a kiss with the strokes, I feel her tits giving blows.
Her muscels tighten and bounce with wetness then my dic just explodes.

News gets to my folks, but still no charges ae pressed.
As darkness is stressed, we fall in love and our hearts are refreshed.

Our families are joined together and help unite what we're making,
despite what my age is, a new family of husband, wife and their baby.


I liked writing that.... dirty, but still sweet and innocent.... makes me wish I could be 12 again

[DaRk NeBuLa]

a lil typo.. ae = are

[Tha Talent]

well, i was a little dry today, but heres a decent effort.

he was fragile, weighed about a buck thirty
with a short pocket that only held about a buck thirty
kinda nerdy, his thick brown frames helped fasten his gaze
a deviated septum kept them grasping his face
he tragically gazed into the infinidium of people that didn't like him
his deep set dark eyes had found no reason to lighten
the scene was just heightened, by the fact that he sat alone
reading like lightening, just to keep from letting his mind slide and mope
he would find his home in between the binding's pages
in a world of mimes and sages, flies and ravens
spineless maidens looking for a knight to save them
and the wars once waged when men would fight couragous
he had zoomed forward in time, amazing...the future had dazed him
blasting off with the spaceship, attempting gamma ray evasion
while phasing in and out between the matrix, tracing
each step on the holograph map with math equations
justifying each angle -
...and by the time the world was saved he had nearly been strangled.
soon to be shackled in the stocks for blasphemy
his neck and hands cast under locks by his majesty
he had watched his family turn from him
only to come back with haste and unlock the turnicate
...and all the wire the fire had burned in him
those same dark eyes were set a fire by the words he lived
and he ignored everyone, too busy in his own world
but he would have gladly stopped a moment and spoken, world
but you never gave him the chance to be open, world
he had so many stories to tell, but you loathed him, world.
and all he wanted was a friend to speak to
so he kept his nose in books and stopped trying to meet you.
and all he wanted was a friend to speak to
so he kept his nose in books and stopped trying to meet you...

[MC4SiGHT]

dark-i don't k now if you were trying to make this comedic but i was laughing my ass of reading this man...a 12 year old knocking up his babysitter...lol classic....i normally hate those 2 line things but you actually didn't do too bad with it....but the story to me was very predictible and it was pretty simplistic...but i admit shit wasn't too bad....

talent-i dunno this wasn't your best i've read but like you said you were a little dry....as always tho your imagery was on point...and you kept to the story well....still comared to darks's this was a lot better...it was poetic...told the more original of stories...and showcased the difference between a strong and weaker wrtiers voice....not your best like i said...but still the winning verse....and 1 thing tho. maybe i'm dumb lol but what was the purpose of repeating the last 2 lines twice, i was just wondering i didnt know if you meant a certein thing from that....

vote-talant

how do you say I have a weak writers voice with that long ass piece of shit you wrote....

LOL.. you're a trip man

[AuThoR NYSE]

Dark Nebula
First off...its been about ummm...iono...5 months since I've had sex...due to my situation over seas...I tell you I'm dieing....that piece those had me pretty intrested in it. I didn't like how you broke it up every two lines. I think you could of done well with two maybe three stanzas. It flowed smoothly and the description of events was nice. You told a good story but one that has been done enough times. Your twist at the end came to no suprise and was nothing special. You did a good job and have a decent writers voice....did well with the description part. Good piece...funny in parts and told a cool story.

Tha Talent
Glad you showed. I still think your way to hard on yourself. You may of been dry for this one you say but it was still a good read. While the story in itself is nothing that hasn't been done before you still managed to tell it nicely. The troubles we face inside ourselves is our most difficult but society plays a big role in that part as well. The verse itself was written well and had a nice poetic touch as always.

For me I enjoyed reading both verses. But I think Talents more polished tone and his expereince in the RSTL showed in his verse. His creativity was more evident within his piece. While DN came good he just didn't bring anything that was up to Par with Talent.

Vote
Talent

aight fine... Talent came tight... I give him that.... I should have picked a better topic as well... I guess I underestimated my oponent...

Great imagery and details.... nice shit Talent

my vote goes to Talent too...

[Pilleo]

Dark Nebula

first off all i hate that damn format u used, it takes away from it so much, your shit was funny, but very predictale, and i knew what was comin and the topic had no real emotion or feeling, that dpesnt happpen, a 12 year old dont knock his baby sitter up, but i mean it was aight but i see u leavin this tounry, no stanzas stuck out to me so im not quotin

The Talent

he would find his home in between the binding's pages
in a world of mimes and sages, flies and ravens
spineless maidens looking for a knight to save them
and the wars once waged when men would fight couragous
he had zoomed forward in time, amazing...the future had dazed him
blasting off with the spaceship, attempting gamma ray evasion
while phasing in and out between the matrix, tracing
each step on the holograph map with math equations
justifying each angle -
...and by the time the world was saved he had nearly been strangled.

ahhhh.........killin it here son, loved this part.....

you had a good flow and that was a hard topic to go with so u get props for that, creativity was just normal, emotion pretty good, wordplay i mean was average i guess, this was a solid peice but not the work that will win you the championship, i think u know that

Vote = The talent

[Tha Talent]

do any of you know what topic i chose?
it was "Friendship," not the one about the ultimate loser.

[Pilleo]

^^^ yea at first i thought u was doing the other one but then the end gave it away to me, then i reread and understood more what u was sayin

[Noib Da Mutt]

um, my vote is gonna seem silly...

but writing wise, Tha Talent got this, he is obviously the more talented writer, but Dark's story was so fuggin' funny, I really enjoyed it, and so on this one I think I'll go against the skill of writing because Dark's story was so entertaining...


Talent, pretty dope effort...

but...


vote=Dark...

[Anaphora]

Dark had some good imagery, but as far as the story goes it kinda... fell to the wayside. I just wasn't really interested in this... sorry brotha. flow was good, but as I said, nothing really hooked the reader, unless they're horny teenage boys, which got ya a couple votes I see. :')

Talent: I didn't like the first two lines... but after that it was pretty straight... rhyming the same words is risky, and you need a damned good homonym or some shit, but the $1.30/$1.30 wasn't that... maybe if you'd flipped it a little better, pocket weighed by about a buck thirty maybe, I dunno... the repetition in the end is more warranted I think.. if that makes sense... maybe you were just trying to set it up... but this was a nice piece, not the best of yours I've read for sure, but pretty good...

Dark: If you'd had something more to hook the reader than sex this would've been much better man, doesn't have to be like suicide, or a ghost or anything stupid, but something... maybe hint at the parents checking on the kid before and him getting busted for something, I dunno...

Vote: Talent.

[Vern Acular]

winner tha talent