53 Londo vs 54 LongStoryShort

This is a discussion on 53 Londo vs 54 LongStoryShort within the RapMusic's Storytelling League forums, part of the Text Battle Leagues category; VERSES DUE Thursday 10:00pm PACIFIC/1:00am EST VOTES DUE Sunday 10:00am PACIFIC/1:00pm EST COLLECT YOUR TOPIC OF CHOICE HERE: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=708762 LINE ...


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Old 02-14-2004, 07:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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53 Londo vs 54 LongStoryShort





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Old 02-15-2004, 04:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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LongStory Short takes it up the butt!
Signing in.

if your showing up let me know so i dont waste my time.
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Old 02-17-2004, 06:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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LongStory Short takes it up the butt!
fuck it.


6. Anaphora

Every time you wake up from a scary dream, you're in another...


my eyes closed slow, so I know, time froze.. as my mind arose
awoke in the form of a sit up, the stomach crunch grinding clothes
T shirt soaked, to the left lay a note I hoped an preyed that i wrote
but was showed letters that translated into the decay of a rose
which made blood escape from my nose, but what did this mean?
stepping out of my bed, drips of it fell but the mattress was clean
could feel something tragic, as screams waited to splash out my teeth
the room around me was brief, as it turned into the passenger seat
of my lovers jeep, as i stared at her dark image, the glass was tinted
the panic ran an grasped me, sprinted,
her face lay masked, for all the glass was in it
looking out at the scene could see the most stable of roads
and as i looked back down at her body saw the decay of a rose

opened my eyes an jumped out of bed! what a horrible mishap
i wish that i could go back to that horrible dream an miss that
opened the door of my room to find that the floor was maroon
with footprints which i followed leading toward a sword an a spoon
i was next to the list of chores all the sudden a broom hit the floor
an from underneath the kitchen sink a bunch of blood began to poor
i turned to rush away but passed out an must of stayed
for when my eyes opened in the kitchen, nothin had changed
something strange was moving around in the living room hall
giving my jaw an teeth a shiver noise like when u unthaw
was scared to peek around the corner, on my knees, clothes in red
reminded me of when my nose had bled, could see a nose and head
then its eyes hit mine with an unbreakable stare that froze me
slowly looking ferociously into my heart like the creature knows me
then all the sudden it began moving! Closer an Faster!
on 4 legs growing, going after my head, awoke before knowing disaster

the sweat had me heated as i sat in bed crunching my toes
a knock on the door "who is it?" your mother, there’s something i want u to know
the door knob was turning slow, and something wasn’t right
every time my mom comes in my room she turns on the light
then all the sudden the door flew open! it Looked Like a Man!
but as the image came closer it was mom with a knife in her hand
she stabbed me repeatedly in the chest an i could feel the blade
was this real? i preyed it wasn’t .. but I could feel the grave
hoping to wake up from this nightmare i closed my eyes
and never woke up.. that’s because i know i had died.
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Old 02-17-2004, 04:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Didn't have access to a working computer but yes I will be dropping.

Check
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Old 02-17-2004, 11:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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How an innocent kid did drugs and it changed his life .......


I remember when I used to be full of ambition, optimism, and goals to reach
socially open at school, interested in worldy logic, on the road to succeed
signs of depression and laziness lacked, healthy at heart and pure in mind
life was at its best, feeling blessed, chest holding lungs that are pure and devine
high above obscurity, witnessing the affects of drugs and their obvious immorality
but I took a chance and decided to view the harsh reality as a small technicality
something i saw as a valid reason to light up, inhale, and experience myself
besides, what could one hit realistically do to indanger or hurt my health
but little did i know self-control would play a role, and before you knew it
the weed influenced me so strongly, I started skipping school daily to do it
from that moment i knew my life was ruined, cuz then i graduated to harder drugs
burn out like my daddy, unhappy, becuase im doing the same drugs my father does
im often buzzed, and the hard life i once could handle and push to the side
is eating me alive on the inside, nights ive cried when i was unable to get high
ive died inside numerous times, and now my minds phrenetik for the substance
just a innocent kid that was curious, now im paying with my life as punishement
the fuckin shit would drive any sane man crazy, push him to his limits and beyond
all along i knew right from wrong and chose my own path when i hit that bong
yeah, I once remembered the goals to achieve and the ambition i once possessed
now i cant remember shit, besides im dead broke with no family and nothin left
so until next time, choose wisely when making a life changing decision everybody
and remember, everybody at the part is out to destroy your and their mind and body


g'luck dogg
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Last edited by Londo; 02-17-2004 at 11:43 PM.
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Old 02-18-2004, 02:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Anaphora takes it up the butt!
Long Story: You said to watch for your verse this time, and you came with straight flames. Very nice shit there man. The only real problem I had with your verse was suddenly the guy's mom stabs him... why? it's kind of out of the blue there, but other than that, very nice shit. Flow was real hot in the beginning, slowed a little bit toward the end, but not too badly.

Londo: Man, those lines were just too damn long. There was soem inner rhymes, but damn, the lines were really long. And not just looking, reading them aloud even, it was way too stretched. Then in the middle, some of the inner rhymes used the same words as the end rhymes, (knew, drugs)... as for the story... there wasn't a whole lot new to it... no real personal details, it was all just generalizations anyone would make about someone who had drugs ruin their life...

Vote: LongStory Short
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Old 02-18-2004, 03:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Vote Long Story Short...

Kid had a stronger development in his story, i reread it to try to gain some kind of foreshadowing, and the second dream foreshadowed well, with the kitchen and the sink, things that a mother does. Also he had a stronger flow and his verse was unique...

Londo, your shit was coo homey, the lines were kind of long, but the thing that really made me not want to go and vote for you, is that i didnt read somethin new, it seemed like an ad for a commercial to stop doin drugs or some shit... it was real, ill give u that, but it didnt hold my attention long enough...
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Old 02-18-2004, 05:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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word, I'll take more time with it next week, I kinda rushed it for no reason since it wasn't due til Thursday. Eh, my mistake. 0-2 him
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Old 02-18-2004, 11:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Yeah I gotta agree...

Londo you came pretty straight, appears a little rushed though and some more time could have been taken on flow, line length etc.

So, for a better overall story, writer's voice, flow, and interest...

VOTE=Long Story Short
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Old 02-18-2004, 11:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Long story

that was real fine i enjoyed the read the flow hit me as well as the wording. I liked the second half better where you each dream was a meaning of something feasible that really happened. The second half with the mum i think you could of came up with something better but you still played with what you got real nicely.

8.5/10

londo yeh did seem rushed but i still think it was tight well compact quick and straight to the point its just lss came real hot and took this. Good verse none the less.

7/10

well done to both.
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Old 02-19-2004, 01:25 AM   #11 (permalink)
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HI HATERS OH OH WAIT A MINUTE LONG STORY HOLD IT I GOT HATERS ON MY BACK LET ME SHAKE THEM OFF A MINUTE .....OHHH THEY COME IM GONNA PUT MY ASS OUT AGAIN FUCKAS..
GET AWAY FROM ME.....

HAAA OH SHIT YO IT IS A LONG STORY BRO ANYWAY YOUR SHIT IS HOT IM FEELING THE SECOND PARAGRAPH WAS REALLY GETTING DEEP IN THE SUBJECT YOU KNOW AT FIRST IT WAS HARD TO VOTE ON THIS LONDO CAME OUT BUT NOT LONG ENOUGH GOOD WEEK FOR YOU BRO CHASE MURDA VOTED FOR YA.......DONT GET HAPPY CUZ..WHISPER you might have to face me.......

LONDO SHIT WAS COOL BUT I GOTTA GO WITH LONG STORY ACTUALLY LONG STORY THATS WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE BUT KID YOUR NICE JUST MAKE IT LONGER I DONT SEE NOTHIN ELSE WRONG WIT YOUR SHIT...............

VOTE.LONG STORY...

WHAT THE HELL


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Old 02-19-2004, 09:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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LongStory - Your piece was very detailed. I could picture all of it in my head. Damn man you probably scared yourself when you wrote that shit. I had to have my girl in the room just to read it. LOL! I really didn't get the last verse too much though.

Londo - Your piece seemed long and drawn out at times, but still easy to read . Tough topic. Had a lot of voice in it.

Vote: LongStory ( The way you flipped that "Decay Of A Rose " ish was tight!)
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Old 02-19-2004, 04:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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vote longstory

damn I just loved it the way the words went over in each other
the way you described it the way u did it
nice and I liked that rose line

londo
your piece was nice I liked it but it was kinda missing that
little extra that long had
 
Old 02-19-2004, 08:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Lokternal takes it up the butt!
LongStoryShort- You had a very nice flow indeed. Could follow your story, and it looked natural. No forced lines, and the story was good as well. Your ending was kind of crazy, and left me like whaaaaaaaaaat haha. Good verse overall

Londo- Your lines were a bit long, and your story was way too predictable. I think you have a lot of talent though, and with the right format, and topic you could easily come better. You definitly have what it takes to take it to another level. Now lets see you do it.

Vote= LongStoryShort
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Old 02-19-2004, 09:31 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Julio Sanchez takes it up the butt!
longstory-you had good flow and everything messed together and i like how one dream led to another

londo- like lok said you do have a lot of talent but way to predictable in the end....

vote=longstoryshort
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Old 02-20-2004, 02:54 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Old 02-20-2004, 07:55 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Stiffaz takes it up the butt!
yea i gotta go with others...

Londo u done nice but as u said u rushed and didn't used all your potencial...

LongStoryShort this time did well..his verse seemed very aight..and i liked his way to the topic...

vote = LongStoryShort
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Old 02-22-2004, 12:10 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Londo: I felt as if I was reading a public service message because of the ending. I wasnt feeling your verse. you could have made it grim and shown what it really is like to be ravaged by drugs over time. Your missin the point like a free throw shot (JADA).

Longshort: Nice. I like the imagery. Coulda tightened it up in some areas. i was kinda confused about parts of it too

Quote:
Originally Posted by LongShortStory
then all the sudden it began moving! Closer an Faster!
on 4 legs growing, going after my head, awoke before knowing disaster
Overall though very good wordplay. I like your use of emotion. It was a deep read. Londo was stretched. I think maybe with some work those verse could be bangin.

My vote though goes to LongShortStory.

I liked his verse and he picked an orginal subject.
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Old 02-22-2004, 06:03 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Vote= Long Story Short

Londo. you coulda came a lot better with the topic u ran with.. but the lines were so long u coulda been better structured cause it just seemed like you were just going through the motions but it kinda took away from having much content. try an reword wha u wanna get across better and you'll go further man.

LSS had a nice verse.. nice imagery for the most part and everything was structured better which set up for a nice read. felt it for the mos part
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