[DF:WK7] CHAMPIONSHIP : Atheist vs Got Life? (Vote!)

[Lucifa]

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

Atheist
Active Worth: 018pts
Vs.
Got Life?
Active Worth: 021pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

[Got Life?]

and so we meet again.

[Atheist]

indeed.

no need to alternate.

although i will be posting close to the deadline.


votes:
1. Blue Contendership: Eye-Rime vs. Scatterbox
2. Oneiric vs. BaySick
3.
4.
5.

[Got Life?]

votes:
1. [DF:WK7] dizzy trip vs Iright By Apple (Vote!)
2.
3.
4.
5.

[Atheist]

A Chain Reaction…

Joseph lay in a mangled angle, with his body crumbling
from life and its constant strain. He was oddly mumbling
bout the times he longed to change; it always troubled him
and tonight was all the same.
That’s when all of a sudden, he
called me, struggling to manage his whispering words;

“Life is a denouement of entanglement, so listen and learn,
cause I have lived it by burning the candle at both ends,
and now I’m finished, I yearn to grab onto hope’s threads.”

I simply nodded, then rolled up his shirt sleeve and let go,
as I plunged the dripping syringe into the crease of his elbow.
His mutterings became faint and his eyes were withering;
as I gave him respite for one night
from the Alzheimer’s that lived with him.

* * * * * *

See, Joseph has dementia; it’s no surprise, he’s eighty-one,
and he may not remember it, his memory maybe hazy, but
I’ve been his doc for many years, so I can tell you his story.
He was a rowdy teen;
several run-ins with the law by fourteen.
And two years later he was stealing cars and joyriding,
but that’s when his life changed. The noise strikes him
with ferocity as the car tumbles and its windshield cracks;
copper blood flows in dark puddles as his skin peels back.
And as the metal crust hits asphalt, he’s holding his breath,
cause he’s thrown from the car like a rag doll,
only moments from death.

But that’s when he saw her, the first paramedic on the scene,
a stunning Isis; he could feel her caring essence in the breeze.
And from that day on they were meant to be, they invested now;
they were each other’s past, present and future.
I remember their wedding vows…
For better, for worse,
In sickness or health,
To have and to hold.
For richer, for poorer, my God, they had the happiest home.
To love and to cherish, as time elapsed they had grown,
Right up till death do us part when she passed from a stroke.

* * * * * *

Now that night, Joseph’s room filled with rasping swirls
as an apparition appeared before him. It was a phantom girl
who looked human but floated around the room carelessly.
She approached him and began to speak, “Bare with me,”
she said then sighed; Joseph winced as his head went light.
“Never fear,” she continued, “This is what death is like.
And in a moment I’ll recap your life with three vivid shows;
two will be happy memories…
the third will be something you didn’t know.
At the end you’ll have to make a choice. So, hold on tight!”
That’s when her hand brushed his head and closed his eyes.

Joseph awoke…church bells rang and shook his chest plate
as rice was thrown by familiar faces; it was his wedding day.
And his wife glowed so beautifully, Joseph smiled so happily;
as he embraced the booming cheers from friends and family.
“This was the happiest day of my life,” he says with pride,
and as he feels the build-up of tears, he closes his eyes.

Joseph awoke…he sees his wife lying on the kitchen floor,
knowing that she is already knocking on death’s wilted door.
“I love you,” she said, the right side of her face glowed with hope,
as the left side was motionless from the stroke’s coldly hold.
“This was when I knew how much I loved her,” he says with pride,
and as he feels the build-up of tears, he closes his eyes.

Joseph awoke…he stands in the garden of an unknown location
as he surveys his surroundings. The sun glows in his face and
he asks, puzzled, “Where am I?” as the words echo in silence.
But suddenly, a sharp laughter breaks the tranquillity of quiet.

The noise came from inside, so he approaches the window pane,
and sees a man and woman dancing. “Swing low, again!”
the man screams excitedly as he’s starting to laugh,
holding the woman close; his hand on the small of her back.
The woman dips and turns, and Joseph stumbles fast,
as he realises it’s his wife in the arms of another man.

You’ll have to make a choice, but those words have faded,
as he rushes into the home. His heart abated and cradled
by hurt and anger. He rushes at her with a bloodcurdling poise
and wraps his hands around her throat, purging the noise
of her attempted screams… Joseph’s pulse is racing,
as he hears a crack and the choking sounds of suffocation.

The other man tries to get her from Joseph’s angered body.
But Jo grabs him in a chokehold.
SNAP!
His neck dangles oddly.
And as blood pours onto the carpet; Jo bites his tongue
as the nauseous scent of iron starts clogging his lungs.

“I said you’d have to make a choice,” the language was clear
as the swirls circled Joseph and the phantom reappeared.
“You could’ve followed the adage, to forgive and forget,
but instead you decided on actions that befitted revenge.
And now you’ve changed your life entirely; I warned you,
but now you must forever live with the demons that haunt you.”
The words struck Joseph as he felt the hold of demise,
and as he feels the build-up of tears, he closes his eyes.

* * * * * *

Joseph sits in a mangled angle, with his body crumbling
from life and its hard restraint. He was oddly mumbling
bout the times he longed to change; it always troubled him
and tonight was all the same.
All of a sudden, I began muttering…

“You were found guilty of murder in the state of Massachusetts,
and are hereby sentenced to death by way of execution.
It will be lethal injection and the liquid will course your veins,
disabling your body until eventually it will torch your brain.”

“Any last words?”
I asked as I tightened the binds on his wrists.

“I do,”
he replied.

“Hindsight’s a bitch.”

I simply nodded, then rolled up his shirt sleeve and let go,
as I plunged the dripping syringe into the crease of his elbow.
His mutterings became faint and his eyes were withering;
as I paired him for eternity
with the demons that lived with him.

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes
an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
C. S. Lewis.

[Got Life?]

"Harold Valentine Saves the World"

Trapped in a cubicle…
Sweat beading atop his cumbersome melon,
Grinding away at each cuticle…
Regret feeding a young and dumb felon,
That’s grown inside Harold…the quietest of fellows,
Inside of whom a surging fire and a riot bellows,
A burning desire to paint the walls a blood maroon,
All he needs is his gun...
One thud and some va va voom,
Boom!
That sole thought puts his pacing heart at ease,
The world's a better place after he’d dart and squeeze-
Through the aisles with his nickel plated revolver,
And so Harold was re-created into a problem solver,
From the previously unnoticed guy in cubicle C,
As it all played out in his head truly beautifully.

The first bullet was for that micro managing cunt,
Though he’d rather be damaging her with blunt-
Force causing trauma to that wretched whore,
But the bullet would do, he can’t take her lore,
Each new lie toppling the one pronounced prior,
She’d be righteously denounced when he’d fire.
And so the first shell would rid a liar…
…The second shell was for the brown nosing bitch,
Who went around exposing everyone…that snitch-
Would finally meet her maker and say goodbye,
Is today a case of the Mondays…“bitch…DIE”
He’d end her life over a big Mac and diet soda,
Or as she butchered designs for yet another pagoda.
Shell two was the stupidity quota…
…Bullet number three’s for that damn over achiever,
He’d be shot in the spine to be a crippled believer-
Of his favorite statement, that all’s for the best,
Harold smirks; he’s amused by his own little jest,
Putting that phony Chris Reeve wannabe to the test,
As pools of blood spread headed both east and west.
He’s growing gleeful, yes…
Good riddance to a world of evil and cess,
Of stupid people and stress,
Of climbing corporate ladders in a state of undress,
And so in his own right…
Harold was a hero I guess.

And the next two bullets…
Were for anyone that had got in the way,
Like a mailroom clerk putting on a heroic display,
The chambered now held 5 shells with one missing,
To which Harold smiled, took his gun kissing-
The picture of his mother as he got up to proceed,
With shell 6 being for him, to punish the deed-
That needed to happen for the world to awaken,
Though Harold would be forever forsaken,
He took it in stride, knowing in hell he’d reside,
Gone was his reason to hide,
Though he left us one last note,
And so I quote…

A hero cannot be a hero unless in a heroic world.
Nathanial Hawthorne had once unfurled,
And so it took me, the quietest man to save you all,
From faltering like sheep into a vicious downfall,
One day you’ll thank me as you re-think your lives,
And finally appreciate making love to your wives,
Those that died served a purpose and met a fate-
That I do not care to sit and debate,
As for me, I’ll wither away with the sands of time,
But remember my friends, the quiet man…
Harold Valentine.

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
- mark twain.

[Jimmy Eles]

very nice battle here gents...


ath - as always this was a very dope story...didn't blow me away like last weeks but is still very nice...i liked you opening stanze and how in the begining the doctor was there to take care of him..then you started it the same at the end and the doctor was there to kill him.....story had good imagry and emotion..good use of multi's on the end of your rhymes and some thrown in mid bar.....not to original.....it was kinda on some ghost's of the christmas past but with a twist thatwhatever you do as your seeing this will have an affect on the future..all in all a good read..
But that’s when he saw her, the first paramedic on the scene,
a stunning Isis; he could feel her caring essence in the breeze.
And from that day on they were meant to be, they invested now;
they were each other’s past, present and future.
I remember their wedding vows…


got - also a nice piece...one of your better story's..which you had to do because nice mechanics and a semi okay story wouldn't get you past ath...story it's self was good..i liked how each bullet had a name.. a story to each person that he was going to use it on and kill.....the imagery was nice..good use of multi's on end of the rhyme..nothing else through out the bar to add to the scheme though.....i liked some of the wording or certain lines..but not in other lines...this was also a good read...
The first bullet was for that micro managing cunt,
Though he’d rather be damaging her with blunt-
Force causing trauma to that wretched whore,
But the bullet would do, he can’t take her lore,
Each new lie toppling the one pronounced prior,
She’d be righteously denounced when he’d fire.
And so the first shell would rid a liar…




damn this is a hard decision....each had a good flow....each had good mechanics.....each had a good story....i dont know which was to go...*re reads real quick*

vote - atheist.........ath had a more complex scheme adding more rhymes through out the bar plus the usual multi ending....got was story driven ( as was ath's) but lacked on that ...ath had more poetic wording...imagery....and other things......so each came correct on every front....atheist just came a little better on most of these things...

[T.a.C]

atheist- i really liked the rhymes to this. this story kinda bored me though. i constantly found myself losing interest. i did like the way you did the story though. how it jumped around. all in all ive seen worse on here


got life?- i know weve had our problems before but i honestly have to admit you can write. the cubical c, beautifully rhyme was extremely nice. the story was ok to me, like atheists i found myself forcing myself to stay in the story.


vote- got life?. overall i was feeling his story more and i liked his rhymes. i liked atheists rhymes too however. but overall him having a little better of a story wins it for me. nice drops both of you

[Restproof]

Athiest: The first thing that sticks out is word choice.

“Life is a denouement of entanglement, so listen and learn"

Echoing the sentiment of chain reactions in literature, this calls back to the works and approaches of Antigone. Now don't get too hyped, I'm not comparing you to him, I just like how you worded it and sort of looked back to that classical take on tragedy. I feel that's probably the best way to approach your intial topic.

Joseph awoke…he stands in the garden of an unknown location
as he surveys his surroundings. The sun glows in his face and
he asks, puzzled, “Where am I?” as the words echo in silence.
But suddenly, a sharp laughter breaks the tranquillity of quiet.

There, where the sentences fragment and stagger into following lines... This is a good way to convey the character's sense of confusion. I liked the playing off of the way the mind reads meter. Sadly though, I sort of expected the cheating vision.

In the end... I feel like there could have been more entanglement to warrant the initial quote I pulled, but maybe I just expect too much. I'm not sure what this had to do with Alzheimer's. And I don't know if you're off on some sort of "The Bell Jar" tip where I'm unable to discern reality from the dementia, but I'm not buying it. I just end up feeling cheated by the end of this. Other than that it was an enjoyable read.

__________

GL?: Excellent flow, structure and rhyme scheme are drawing me in already.

Inside of whom a surging fire and a riot bellows, <<love that line.

You carried me well throughout the story... No twists but that was fine. The following rhymes were a bit iffy and on the edge:

But the bullet would do, he can’t take her lore,
Each new lie toppling the one pronounced prior,

But, the rest of the rhymes and schemes were so solid, I can forgive that.

I like how the shells were counted out and you displayed premeditation of the act to carry the action forward rather than gore. Not that the other way is bad, but this way is different and it gives depth to the the piece.


All in all this is a close battle that's going to come down to a matter of taste.

Vote: GL?- I enjoyed his rhyme scheme and story more during and after the read.

[Cormier]

GL- pretty nice verse. not an overly original concept, but the story was told in a way that kept it fresh. the rhyme and flow were pretty good for the most part. i thought the rhyme at times though was a little on and off. at points it was real nice and smooth and at other times it was just "eh." i did like the character descriptions though along with the summations of what each bullet was for. overall this was a pretty well written and well told story.

Atheist- this was also pretty dope. again, not an overly creative concept, but the story was told very well and in a way that kept it fresh. i thought the rhyme and the flow were at least as good if not slightly better than GL's. i also liked the how the different events in his life changed, but also stayed the same (such as the needle in the arm and the description of him at the beginning and end). overall this was a dope story, even if a bit long.

VOTE= Atheist

[Khôi NguJin]

Atheist. what a story. well, at first it didn't captivate me..i guess up until after the accident and the first paramedic rushed to the scene. i also felt that the flow was greatly affected in the beginning because you were doing such a good job setting up the scenes with description and imagery. however, later on, that wasn't much of a problem because i was already captivated by the story. i liked the depth of this verse, it made me really get into it and really immerse myself into the story. i thought that it was a great ending to an already well written short story. you got me with that lethal injection ending. it was well written and had great content. again, great job here.

Got life? - let's see...i thought that it was written in a relaxed manner, thus making it a fresh written. it was refreshing, however, it lacked substance. i liked how you flipped the role of a suicidal maniac, making him out to be the hero. it had a really different feel to the verse..it was kind of comedic. i thought it was interesting how you named the protagonist harold valentine, lol...great title to the verse and great take on the topic you chose. i have a small gripe, but i was just wondering how u can wither away with the sands of time seeing how the sands will always be in existence.

alright, vote time. i'm choosing atheist because of his superior story and depth of his verse. it wasn't that close in my opinion..but still a good battle.

[Rem Lynxis]

Got Life?
-
Your piece had a good flow, descriptive, and didn't
lead me on too much. it was an interesting reading,
not the kind that you wouldn't take your eye off though.
the depth and reasoning you put to describe each bullet was great.

Atheist
-
His story was better all around in my opinion. A little
bit ahead, but not too much. Anywho, even though
the description of his emotions seemed a little (just a little) vague
at times, i got into the story regardless. And the role of the Doctor
seemed well thought out as well. It gave your piece less of a linear
role than Got's piece


Vote: Atheist

[Iright By Apple]

Atheist, although you did win, there's one big problem with your piece that makes it a slim win; time. The time that passed due to the fact that he is 81 and being put to death for the murder of his wife is a big question. Then again you said she passed from a stroke; to have a doctor as a unreliable narrator is a big turnoff here.

My guess is that in the end he simply plays along with what he knows is on his patient's mind as anything else would suck. Then there's the whole:

"thrown like a ragdoll" - PLAYED... lol

and

The noise strikes him
with ferocity as the car tumbles and its windshield cracks;
copper blood flows in dark puddles as his skin peels back.
And as the metal crust hits asphalt, he’s holding his breath,
cause he’s thrown from the car like a rag doll,
only moments from death.

^No one would say that since in order to know that you would have to be omniscient...

anyway... I really liked Gotlife? piece and wont vote for him because I'm a hater and I'm hate-voting against him. He outflowed his opponent and had a more personable and well developed stoey with a rounder character that was great to picture and relate to. All I can say is that I have no qualms with his shit, but unfortunately for him I hate him so...

VOTE: GotLife? For having an almost flawless piece centered around a greatly-developed character.