[DF:WK6] Jimmy Eles vs oNeiRiC (Vote!)

[Lucifa]

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

Jimmy Eles
Active Worth: 007pts
Vs.
oNeiRiC
Active Worth: 000pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

[oNeiRiC]

checkin in...

ALTERNATE

GL

[Jimmy Eles]

check in and alternate...saga i wanted to know if you would okay me going over the limit of 64.....i went to like 68...so lemme no if you okay it or not.....


good luck

[Jimmy Eles]

good looking


votes will also go here

1--[DF:WK6] CONTENDERSHIP : Got Life? vs nom de plume. (Vote!)
2--[DF:WK6] Red Contenders : Lucifa vs Bonnie Bathory (Vote!)
3--[DF:WK6] CHAMPIONSHIP : .:Pain:. vs Vern Acular vs Atheist (Vote!)
4--[DF:WK6] -Atreyu- vs BaySick (Vote!)
5--[DF:WK6] Blue Contenders : Cormier vs Scatterboxx (Vote!)
6--[DF:WK6] Chin Kwon vs Restproof (Vote!)
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[Jimmy Eles]

nights ether and loves hot fever i still freeze at a lovers touch
in my sight is what i seek could never be in anothers clutch
seems like yesterday i heard the sound"it's nice to meet ya".
tonight we hoof'd town just wolfed down a slice of pizza..
held her close to my vest she was my heart and my soul..
empty space in my chest she filled part of that hole...
the sky turn'd on its faucet commence the running..
under a roof started talking...drenched as rain is drumming,
as we stopped for the hope of breath at a front door...
she spoke..with a voice like heaven singing notes so pure.
"psychic readings open evenings should we go and check"..
if you looked in the eyes i seen you would have said "yes..
as the door swung i heard a distant bell sing a cheered chime...
stopped at once vision dark so i listened to what my ears find..
a voice from somewhere came drifting to me from near behind..
saying " my name's Lisa it's nice to meet you for this time..
we stood for a bit ,we were new at this not knowing should we talk..
then she spoke "you's should sit at the table with the all black cloth..
and since ya coats are soaked you should take those off..
and that is when she did it with one slight of her hand...
pulled out the card that would send shards threw all of my plans..
it would shatter all of my hopes and stab up my dream..
break my heart apart in pieces as sad as it seems..
but i did not know this now for i wasn't that clever..
the card she handed me said we would be together,forever..
i looked to my bride to be tiffany to show her the news..
she read threw it quickly..and then she smiled at it too...
then Lisa reached fast an put her bony hand on my head..
i seen a white peach flash and thought i was dead..
then i was back in my bed tiff next to me sleeping like lead..
i looked at the calendar on my stand it read December 10th..
i thought weren't we at the psychic shop in September just then..
as tiffany awoke gave me a kiss and grabbed a smoke..
saying "usually i hates the mornings but this one i don't..
i wiped it from my mind for the time chalked it up as a dream..
in nice sun shine we sat n talked enjoyed the scene...
about 20 miniutes later we where off heading to our 9 - 5's
after we showered brushed our teeth and read the times..
as we stepped out the door the air was brisk on my lips..
the wind swirled and howled giving me a wintery kiss..
standing there as snow flakes jumped into her hair..
i had to bestow to her how much i loved her and cared..
heard a car screech but i was to busy watching her blush....
couldn't even speak as the car dropped in on us..
for a while i heard voices...lots of em...just seeing all black
then i awoke in the hospital laying on the small of my back..
the nurse would listen to me as i call'd out the name of tiffany...
thats when the doctor walked in with the news to give to me..
he said the car jumped the curb..thats the sound i had heard..
at the scene i didn't seem to breathe and was badly hurt..
the car hit me first but tiff had caught it the worst..
i flew a some distance cracked up my ribs an broke my skull..
tiffany was tossed back in the air lifeless stare. lifted and thrown..
neck impaled by a pole..arm behind her back..exposing some bone..
saying that my beloved had passed....dead before sugery...
the news and blues ripped threw like a slug to murder me...
i cryed and closed my eyes to steady my heightend breathing,,
then i open them up to find myself back in the psychic reading..
i threw back the chair scared and asked what had happened...
Lisa said she'd shown me my life..in picture and caption...
i looked at her laughing full of madness not believing her lies..
because Tiff died and the landing tarot card had said other wise..
tiff looked at me wide eyed scared not knowing what to say..
told me nothing had happened and said its okay..
i yelled at Lisa "it was your own saying that you tossed me and wrote."
and thats when she spoke..2 lone sentences that didn't offer me hope..
saying "she dies in two months but together forever you are destined...
you will die the next day of heartbreak and meet her in heaven.."


and that my friends is the ending,,,

[oNeiRiC]

Caged Demons
Eyo
It was that part of me, that wanted to escape
It was my heart breaking on the edge of a wave
Ready to collapse, mind functions slowly diluted
Iron tacts, making up my sanity handling my prudence
Jealousy, who was she to make me read between the lines
Slap her slay her seduce her anything to rip her inside
Revenge is so sweet but next year when I clue- in
I might just find myself swimming alone and seclud-ed
Filled with hate, anybody who makes a mistake
Looks at me funny, my hypocracy burns the stake
And it is myself who suffers worse, I learn to change
I must! Change, wrought with inside molten rage
Lava, pouring from my veins enlarging my pupils
Parada, I bind myself and try to climb out of a loop hole
Help me! I look inside to find yet another caged demon
Why why why says the lion behind bars enduring the seasons
Irony, the unwritten, side of me, spittin, lying flea- bags
Full of tacks and exciting things, stimulus, caffeine
The demon addiction, always tripped up by our feigning
Sloth! Written all over our houses, disorganized- by fashions
I just want to escape.. I Just want to escape…
So that means I got to Step Up! Move it fast and-
Go for the Cup!.. Take a chill pill swallow
I find someone to follow, and set it right
But then I relapse and end up where I was last night
And I don’t wanna go there, I aint ready to go there!
Move it on to the next episode if yall don’t care…
But I cant blame it on ya
With the demon of blame, writtin devil of shame
Get ya caught by ya mane, caint even say you a man!
“eyo just take it one step at a time”
“I feel ya homie but I aint inclined for this line”
“I got to set my own path, so that the sun can shine”
“Open my smile, you know the one that can rhyme”
“you when you totally relaxed, you have proven your worth”
“yet the oceans always movin, the sand is shiftin your mirth”
“I say keep on truckin, stand up- ride out the buckin”
*walkin away as the sun fades to gray
I hear the Guardians whisper and say
“Get your mind right, whatever it takes”

[Lucifa]

alternated ..

[Atheist]

Jimmy Eles:
Man, I am very impressed with this verse. The story itself was very entertaining, and how you ended it was great. I liked how you fooled the readers into thinking it was a dream (because we all know how much we writers hate seeing dreams used as fuckin’ explanations) and then flipped it by using the psychic to visually illustrate the future to the main character. That was a nice touch, and the story itself was well thought out. Several twists and turns here and there, and the way you described it was of a high standard as well. So overall, I’m very impressed with what I read here, and I really think that you can only get better and better the more that you write.

Favourite lines:
i wiped it from my mind for the time chalked it up as a dream..
in nice sun shine we sat n talked enjoyed the scene...
about 20 miniutes later we where off heading to our 9 - 5's
after we showered brushed our teeth and read the times..
as we stepped out the door the air was brisk on my lips..
the wind swirled and howled giving me a wintery kiss..
standing there as snow flakes jumped into her hair..
i had to bestow to her how much i loved her and cared..

Oneiric:
To me, this verse seemed a little rushed. Each line bounced all over the place, with thoughts and images that didn’t really connect too well. The flow was decent, and the rhyme scheme was okay, but the writing style itself was choppy and hindered by the feeling that you hurried this verse. I hope I am right in saying that, because I would like to see a more polished piece from you, where time has been dedicated to it, and there is more of a connection between each line and thought, instead of them going from one extreme to the other.

Favourite Lines:
Filled with hate, anybody who makes a mistake
Looks at me funny, my hypocracy burns the stake
And it is myself who suffers worse, I learn to change
I must! Change, wrought with inside molten rage
Lava, pouring from my veins enlarging my pupils
Parada, I bind myself and try to climb out of a loop hole
Help me! I look inside to find yet another caged demon
Why why why says the lion behind bars enduring the seasons


------------------------------------------------------------


Vote: Jimmy Eles.
What I loved most was his story, a good old fashioned enjoyable read. Furthermore, Jimmy’s verse was that more polished than his opponent’s; the latter had a better flow, but that was probably the only department that Oneiric edged Jimmy in.

[Got Life?]

Jimmy - the story itself was a little cliche, but it was good, you delved into it pretty well though losing loved ones in car accidents is so over kill, the psychic aspect being the only thing that kind of refreshed it...the ending to the piece was pretty good though I could do without the "and that my friends is the ending" bit...there's better ways to wrap it up...also as I told you the flow was stretched at times...the biggest thing for me though is that a lot of your images don't really go together...there's better ways to depict a scene...if you don't know what I mean you can get at me on aim about it.

Oneiric - Ironically I think you fought with some caged demons of your own...I mean from one point you did deliver a piece that I'm sure everyone can deal with...the internal struggle of good and evil within man and how it affects him, it's a subject that's constantly relevant, but your delivery was very jumbled...the flow fell off towards the end and as you progressed into a dialogue between who knows who the piece lost any sense of progression or possible salvation with the ending being the best part because the madness finally came to an end...not very impressed with this.

vote - Jimmy, he had the far better verse.

[Lucifa]

Jimmy - I quite enjoyed this piece .. I liked how you flipped the scipt a few times to leave the reader as confused as the character with what was real and what was not .. the mechanics of the piece weren't great but there were some good areas and overall the content held strong enough to look further than the writing style itself .. some of the descriptive stuff was done well and others were a little flat in comparison .. the "winter kiss" line was nice .. all in all this was a pretty enjoyable read my friend ..

oNe - this verse was a bit of a mess tbh .. not the flow as such .. as the read was steady enough IMO .. but the content was just a bit random at times .. too often .. and that was a problem when it comes to breaking down and voting .. as it was an obvious fault within the verse .. the concept isn't fresh and it was a fairly literal take on the topic .. I just felt it lacked any real polish or focus or even any real meaning when all was said and done ..

Vote = Jimmy Eles .. the more enjoyable verse for sure .. but also written better IMO ..

[-Atreyu-]

jimmy-
cool verse.I liked the development an the imagery and the twist.I would say to jsut work on your flow a little bit.
"i looked at the calendar on my stand it read December 10th..
i thought weren't we at the psychic shop in September just then..
as tiffany awoke gave me a kiss and grabbed a smoke..
saying "usually i hates the mornings but this one i don't..
i wiped it from my mind for the time chalked it up as a dream..
in nice sun shine we sat n talked enjoyed the scene..."
your mechanics were difficult at some points and great at some points.Overall a decent verse:
Jimmy-B-
-----------------------------------
One-
This verse is decent.The imagery you painted was very good and the complexity was decent but just for some reason seemed to babble on and not connect to much.I enjoyed the complex parallels you tried to achieve.It seemed rushed,yet the emotion towards the end is what sort of edged it out for you to win this battle.
"Help me! I look inside to find yet another caged demon
Why why why says the lion behind bars enduring the seasons
Irony, the unwritten, side of me, spittin, lying flea- bags
Full of tacks and exciting things, stimulus, caffeine
The demon addiction, always tripped up by our feigning
Sloth! Written all over our houses, disorganized- by fashions
I just want to escape.. I Just want to escape…
So that means I got to Step Up! Move it fast and-
Go for the Cup!.. Take a chill pill swallow"
Nice emotion...
One-B

Vote-OneIric

[oNeiRiC]

thanks for the great feedback yall

[DF:WK6] CONTENDERSHIP : Got Life? vs nom de plume. (Vote!)

[DF:WK6] -Atreyu- vs BaySick (Vote!)



Luc - posts merged .. oNe ~ edit your links in to the same post

[Restproof]

jimmy: the flow was pretty solid and easy to read. I feel that some of the higher imagery was sacrificed through wording. Lines like:

"psychic readings open evenings should we go and check"..
if you looked in the eyes i seen you would have said "yes..
-
"then i was back in my bed tiff next to me sleeping like lead.."

The metaphors and wording could have been stronger. It would have propelled the imagery to a higher level, and the opening was there to do so. The plot twist was nice, but especially in the vision section, those missing elements would have created a rift of suspension in the reader's mind so that it would not become so obvious over that stretch of time, which was a substantial portion of your verse.

oneiric: the opening couplet was gorgeous.

"It was that part of me, that wanted to escape
It was my heart breaking on the edge of a wave"

Good job at capturing my attention. However, nothing else in the verse came close to this. The flow was alright, but got a bit fumbly... Which would have been fine had the caliber of metaphor and energy been maintained, but... Basically the framework for the topic and its cadence were there, but the execution faltered.

This one goes to Jimmy. He was more consistent throughout and was better able to convey his story and topic of choice.

[oNeiRiC]

it still doesnt give me the edit opttion,

perhaps i have to get 50 posts first

[DF:WK6] Red Contenders : Lucifa vs Bonnie Bathory (Vote!)

[oNeiRiC]

wait did it just work? lol

[Lucifa]

Jim 4-1 oNe.