[DF:WK6] Blue Contenders : Cormier vs Scatterboxx (Vote!)

[Lucifa]

Welcome to your match-up thread. Click Here For Rules & Regulations

Quick Over-View:
12-64 lines to a topic provided in the [TOPICS] thread of the sticky area.
Do not post more than 3 times within your own match-up thread.
^No more than once in anyone elses either!^
Stay fresh, no recycling.

Opt-In to the "Alternate" scheme before posting a verse.
This will increase your chances of obtaining feedback and votes via another opponent.
Just check in and state you wish to alternate, should you suffer a no-show.

Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

Cormier
Active Worth: 010pts
Vs.
Scatterboxx
Active Worth: 009pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

[Cormier]

hello, alternate i guess

[Scatterboxx]

same.

[Cormier]

extension please, won't be able to finish my verse. i'm going out with my cousin because he's moving out of town tomorrow

[Scatterboxx]

{“shipwreck”.}

keep the weed discretely in the altoids tin.
creep the streets deeply ducked on “alloy rims”.
bad boy pimps… we often thought we were,
till one bad boy glimpsed hard at an officer -
his posture curved & awkwardly curved
in spiraling motions that killed him like the fires & oceans.
dead - whipped & shaken, stripped butt naked – fed ‘em to the dogs.
captain buck is gangster – yes, his weapon will get drawn.

furnace smoke curls & grows, then swirls like souls...
we yearn like ghosts for freedom, we search for white gold
the curtain might close for y’all; but who really knows -
‘cause the get gritty quickly’s really fifty-fifty kid, see…
we rode past where the vagabonds & runaways gather;
where the boulevard bends & then the sunny days scatter;
where constellations complicate the night with elaborate patterns
that capture cadavers in they dreams of magical labyrinths –

night time summons twilight’s coming – sudden…
ly… we’re rushing the… spot – gun in hand.
“i know you’re fucking tired! but keep running, man!!!!
there’s treasure up ahead - i swear! - buried under sand!!!!”

the moon says farewell. the dawn give its shadow -
you see the ocean is the boulevard upon which we travel -
& the rims upon which we ride are sorta formed in ports.
we are warriors aboard. “go forth & draw your sword!!!!”

blah.
lots of stuff to do.

read into it to actually get it.

good luck dude.

[Cormier]

TOPIC= The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
- c.s. lewis.

His whole life Benny wanted to be an astronaut
None matched the dedication that his passion wrought
He had paid his dues and made a few
Enemies along the way, but through
It all he had stayed so true, to his one and only goal
A workaholic who now owned a lonely soul
But for him it was definitely worth it all
Because he was finally leaving Earth this fall
Benny had tried his hardest and was chosen from many
To be the one man crew that would go to Gethsemmi
He’d be sent alone to uncover its hidden treasures
Light years away, this would be the longest mission ever
20 years there, and 20 more to make it back
There was only one way to face that fact
Suspended animation; it would be engaged on the way
He’d complete his mission while barely aging a day
When told the news he nearly coughed up his lunch
He just could not wait to take off in a month
That night he went to a karaoke bar for a drink or nine
He was hoping for fun, but he didn’t think he’d find
Love, but there it was singing on the mic
A beautiful and buxom blonde delight
A black dress wrapped around her curvy, but slim physique
Mesmerized by her eyes and cute little dimpled cheeks
Her smile contained the bedfellows that Doom would invite
Arranged in a way that was truly a beautiful sight
He had met an angel; this must be a call from above
Infatuated, they spent his last month falling in love
She was the one; shining brighter than the beams from the sun
She planted in his heart a seed that indeed had begun
To grow and consume, leaving in its wake
Unfettered love that was seething to escape
But he was torn apart when he was reminded of the fact
That she’d be old, decrepit and senile when he came back
“Must you leave?” “I must and I really hate that it’s true.”
“Well I’ll be here those years, patiently waiting for you….”

The takeoff was smooth, but Ben’s mind tossed and turned
Mulling over the love his duty had lost and spurned
He thought that when this day came he’d be so excited
But the ship was on auto pilot; no way to override it
He came to a decision, knowing that his soul was hers
He would forgo the 40-year sleep and grow old with her
His heart was full and he enjoyed the sensation
So he cut the wiring to avoid the temptation
He radioed NASA and told them; they couldn’t believe it
But, touched by his story, they resolved to keep it a secret
It was a very long way to Gethsemmi, he knew
But for emergencies the ship had plenty of food
NASA talked to him regularly to keep him sane
They conversed and read him books to feed his brain
On his trip he saw old friends leave and new ones arrive
When he made it there, tears accrued like dew in his eyes
He started the trip back and while crying he prayed
That God would let him make it and not die on the way
The long years passed and he finally made it home
His withered hands landing the ship in the safety zone
He saw her almost immediately and he made his way
To her, but he was confused because she hadn’t aged a day!
She said without him in her life she wanted to end it bad
So she spent her life savings at the cryogenics lab
She was young and he was old, but to both, it didn’t matter
They kissed deeply while dreaming of a baby’s pitter patter
After, she cherished every chance to give him a hug
Infatuated, they spent his last year living in love

[-Atreyu-]

Scat-
The writing was top notch,the flow was top notch and everything was top notch,but the aura of this piece wasnt top notch.It felt rushed,and of course you are a great writer but it seemed like this piece was on auto pilot.
"furnace smoke curls & grows, then swirls like souls...
we yearn like ghosts for freedom, we search for white gold
the curtain might close for y’all; but who really knows -
‘cause the get gritty quickly’s really fifty-fifty kid, see…"
Dope wordplay and content,for its short stature.
Scat=B-

Cormier-
The story sort of dragged on a bit,but it kept my attention.The mechanics were decent,the flow was choppy at points,and the story was sort of farfetched, however it worked as far as the feeling element of the piece goes.The story itself wasnt anything special,and doesnt push any boundary at all.

Cormier=B

Vote-Cormier

[Lucifa]

I will read and vote soon ..

but jesus fucking christ guys .. (read: Cormier) .. how hard is it to understand that you can only use topics in the FIRST!!!!!! post of the topics thread? .. not the bastard submissions ..

the verse will stand .. but I'll be making a point of this in the mag and future rulings will be minus points for that shit ..

[Lucifa]

Scatt - shame you were pushed for time as this was a nicely written 'section' of a verse .. it did need more bulk to be competitive against a full-on verse like Corm delivered .. but for what it was .. it was a pretty enjoyable read .. the rhyming was nice and the flow carried along steadily .. don't really have anything negative to say about the verse outside of the length and amount of content needed to bolster the piece ..

Corm - I dunno how the topics work over at pr .. but I don't see how people can not understand that the topics on offer for use are the ones selected in the first post (all decorated and shit) .. and more to the point - even bold text stating to use the first post .. as for the verse itself .. it was a steady enough read but didn't really have any spark of flair behind the mechanics .. I found the story to be quite interesting and I was entertained by it .. not overly so but it was a good enough read IMO ..

Vote = Cormier .. a case of delivering more content to merit the vote .. but grrr @ the topic muddle ..

[Chin Kwon]

Scatterboxx

Yeah, i gotta agree with Lucifer, i wish you would've expand on this a bit. As usual ur technicals were on point and very appealing to the ear. But the story suffered from weak plot and from being too dependent on technicals. But for what it is, i really enjoyed it. I just wished u could've made it longer.


VS


Cormier

Cool shit. I liked the buildup and the character developments. This is another great story from you as i found myself completely charmed by the matter-of-fact tone of it and the great imageries. The only problem was that the rhyme and stuff were fairly basic. But as always, with great content, usually rhymes and flows doesn't affect my decisions that much and this was pretty good.


Vote = Cormier. His piece offered more, it's as simple as that.

[Atheist]

Scatterbox:
It is quite evident that this piece was incredibly hurried. But even with that fact taken under consideration, your verse still contained all the usual hallmarks of your writing; great flow, impeccable wording, and fantastically executed imagery. The only thing that was lacking was the general development of the story line as a whole, and that’s what really let you down this week. The verse itself seemed like only a segment of the overall vision you had for this topic, and that’s a real shame, to be honest, because you could have rocked the shit out of the topic you chose to write to.

Favourite lines:
we rode past where the vagabonds & runaways gather;
where the boulevard bends & then the sunny days scatter;
where constellations complicate the night with elaborate patterns
that capture cadavers in they dreams of magical labyrinths –

night time summons twilight’s coming – sudden…
ly… we’re rushing the… spot – gun in hand.
“i know you’re fucking tired! but keep running, man!!!!
there’s treasure up ahead - i swear! - buried under sand!!!!”

Cormier:
Seriously, man, you are one of my favourite writers. Week in, week out, you produce something different that really intrigues and amazes me. I still remember that beautifully comedic verse you dropped, and now this wonderfully written love story. The great thing about this is that it wasn’t gut-wrenchingly sappy; it was kind, sweet, and romantic, but not to the point where I felt disgusted. You really captured the emotion well, and ended the verse beautifully on the meaning of true love. And to be honest, it wasn’t a twist I even saw coming; it may be obvious in hindsight, but I never really considered it while reading through your verse. I think it was very appropriate that you only touched on his actually voyage, because that area wasn’t key to the story at all; it was the love between them that was important.

Your ideas each week are constantly original and brilliantly executed, and there isn’t too much for me to fault here.

Favourite Lines:
He had met an angel; this must be a call from above
Infatuated, they spent his last month falling in love
She was the one; shining brighter than the beams from the sun
She planted in his heart a seed that indeed had begun
To grow and consume, leaving in its wake
Unfettered love that was seething to escape
But he was torn apart when he was reminded of the fact
That she’d be old, decrepit and senile when he came back
“Must you leave?” “I must and I really hate that it’s true.”
“Well I’ll be here those years, patiently waiting for you….”


------------------------------------------------------------


Vote: Cormier.
Scatterbox’s verse seemed hurried and rushed, but I enjoyed the general approach he had taken towards his verse. It only felt like a segment of his overall idea though, and I think that if the content had have been expanded fully, the verse would have given Cormier a run for his money. However, Cormier’s verse was just incredibly written, and was simply a fantastic read. I couldn’t fault his verse on anything serious, and that’s why he gets my vote.

[oNeiRiC]

skatter i can relate to how you write, short bouts of energy followed by confusing meanderings of spontinaeity attempting to glue themselves into coherence, however, skipping thoughts, as irrelevant, and ending up with a finished product such as yours, which is simply missing something

v/ corme easy

[Vern Acular]

Scatt:

I enjoyed this for the length it was although it was short it dead have substance I loved the voice and tone of the piece when I saw the picture you used at the end it made it all so better I felt like I was aboard hearing the captains roar the mechanics were good as always. could you have put more detail into it to give life to it yea but with your limited time u did what u can it wasn't a bad verse but u and I both know it could've been better

Cormier:

Well I must say this was an interesting read the creativity in this was above par and your mechanics were put together well the only thing that urked me was when he came back to earth yea it was cool that she spent the last year with him but why was he old that confused me maybe I missed it was an overkill of twist at the end other that that it was an ok verse good job

Overall:

VOTE CORMIER for a more complete and enjoyable read scatts verse wasn't bad but cormier definatly had the better verse

[Got Life?]

Scatt - well you know you weren't going to win with that, but I know you're busy now that you're back home...anyways...this was short and sweet and a pretty good piece for what it had to offer...unfortunately at the end of the day it really didn't offer all that match...hopefully you bounce back next week and hit us /w the quality of writing that we're use to from you.

Cormier - I've definitely taking a liking to you over the past weeks as you continue to produce really quality stories that aren't the same run of the mill shit that you see everyday...I think your mechanics are getting a little tighter with each week as well and this verse in particular was probably the best one I've read from you yet...the whole him wanting to age because she would, but then she actually doesn't age...yet she still loves him for who he is...honestly not the ending I expected...I expected him to come back and her fallen in love with someone else...more of a reality of affairs in that sense, but this was a very nice "feel good" piece.

vote = Corm.

[Restproof]

scatterbox: excellent flow, nice metaphors. kind of short, but it seems you were in a rush. you could have taken this to a greater level had you invested the time. i do like the slant of pirates being gangster, because they are. Great verse.

cormier: wow. just... wow. the story lead me along just right, held my interest the entire way through. this flowed and was phrased extremely well. all around great, i loved it.

i give this to cormier, i know that scat dropped short, but in the all around of it, cormier took it. probably my most favorite verse of the week.

[Lucifa]

Note: oNeiRiC and Restproof votes don't count.