[DF:WK6] Red Contenders : Lucifa vs Bonnie Bathory (Vote!)

[Lucifa]

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

Lucifa
Active Worth: 013pts
Vs.
Bonnie Bathory
Active Worth: 008pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

[Lucifa]

Check/Alternate

I will be showing with a full verse this week Bon ..

Votes:

[DF:WK6] CHAMPIONSHIP : .:Pain:. vs Vern Acular vs Atheist (Vote!)
[DF:WK6] CONTENDERSHIP : Got Life? vs nom de plume. (Vote!)
[DF:WK6] Jimmy Eles vs oNeiRiC (Vote!)
[DF:WK6] Chin Kwon vs Restproof (Vote!)
[DF:WK6] Blue Contenders : Cormier vs Scatterboxx (Vote!)

[DF:WK6] -Atreyu- vs BaySick (Vote!)

[Bonnie Bathory]

k me 2...

alternate

8/13: Q- If Lucy needs an extension give it to him, better that than an unfinished verse =]

[Bonnie Bathory]

He was a genius child, and his parents were both soulless
He’d build things to make them smile, but they never gave them notice
They just fought and yelled and screamed at each other and said things
No child should ever hear, killing all his dreams
He was tired of the eggshells, always staying stealth
He’d get his way today or they’d both go to hell
They’re both so fucking selfish, he always feels so helpless
All the fighting all the crying, like pain is all they relish
He’s always in the middle of their hate, he just can’t take it
They finally broke him down he’ll make them smile if they fake it
Daddy sleeps on the left, Mommy dearest on the right
Before them hangs a horrifying contraption made of knives
They’re bound to their chairs by the straps he wrapped them in
And terrified and shaken when they see he’s captured them
“I’ma turn the light off and when you see it flash
All you gotta do is laugh, and I’ll undo your straps”
His mama begs, “Please don’t do this son, you’re acting nuts”
His father threatens him cuz he thinks he lacks the guts
“Ready?” he replied ever more determined by their cries
The lights flash off & on, he hears nothing but more lies
“We love you son” & then the knives start springing into life
They crank and stop merely a few inches from their eyes
“One more chance” he says to them “Ive never heard you laugh
We’ll let the past be past and then I’ll undo your straps”
His mom returns to pleading, his father demands he heeds and
Hes not getting what he’s needing, they’ll smile or start bleeding
The lights flicker off & on again, this time met with silence
He suspects they’re scared of him and his promise to do violence
He cranks the knives again, just barely in their eyes
Just enough for them to feel them, but not enough to die
“You should just abide” he says over screams of sheer surprise
“No crying, no more lies… you’ll fucking laugh or fucking die!”
“Son!” His mom replied “But we can’t see the lights!”
“I guess you’re right,” he said to her, “Dad, tell mom goodbye”
And he drove them in their skulls, and stood there cold
Lights flashing off and on until he burnt out all the bulbs
Never sleeping, never eating, he died staring at his parents
Uncaring they were dead, loving, relishing his merits

[Lucifa]

Matched your line count Bon ..

I traced her shape with tender tips
No way to escape an attempt to kiss
Her face, her waist, her slender hips
To taste her grace, her every inch
And each new kiss applied more pressure
She licked her lips and writhed in pleasure
Petrified..Electrified..in equal measure
As she spied the size of my hidden treasure
She reached to stroke and touch my bulge
My breathing broke as she cupped my balls
She said "I want your snake, I'd like it all"
I said "I'm gonna make you climb the walls"
...
..
.
Lifted her pelvis, put on her favourite song
As I gripped her melting, pussy flavoured thong
Peeled them from her warm and dampened flesh
Out the crease of her bum and down her legs
Which she spread so invitingly..enticing me
Winched my head down, started biting me violently
Eagerly yearning for clitoral stimulation
To see me earning in this pivotal situation
Her slit's wet as shipwrecks when I'm givin'
Perfect sex as hips flex to a rhythm
We fucked and I played her with my fingers
She shook and sprayed me during cunnilingus
Begged me to stop - "There's no juice left in my body"
As my penis flopped she said "Luc you're so Godly"
...
..
.
She got dressed and we spoke, just chin wagging
She's impressed with my jokes cos she's laughing
The effects of the sex we'd been having
Beat my chest like drum-sets with no padding
With a thousand volts of electric bolts to my heart
"We found his pulse" as my memory jolts to the dark
Of the test center I remember at the start
As the next member of the 'net's "Send a Man 2 a Tart"
Her image faded as I teleported to the nest
She'd been played with and she'd been sorted by the best

[Got Life?]

Bonnie - this piece was kind of bland to me, I like the gore element of it, but I felt completely unconnected to the kid...he was every other kid from an unhappy home where parents fight except he decides to kill off his parents and then endures a death from starvation...what you needed to have done to make this piece beyond average is bring the character to life, something you tend to do well, but you seemed to not care for here or you just didn't put the time in that was necessary...he needs a name...he needs to be set apart from every single other kid that fits the same bill...the piece was very disconnected for me and I found the flow very stretched with an overly simplistic scheme...definitely not what I've come to expect from you Bonnie...

Lucy - this piece started out really really well and then with 3 lines left to go in the first stanza, that impeccable flow went to shit...the rest of the piece wasn't very smooth and the sex scene was boring and didn't capture much of my attention...so many people have done it so much better that this seemed like reading the account of a virgin in comparison...fumbling around trying to depict an act that never quite came to life...the ending rather undeveloped as well.

This is kind of hard for me to decide, I find a lot wrong with both pieces TBH, but Lucy's piece had just slightly more redeeming elements to it in my eyes.

vote = Lucy.

[Jimmy Eles]

luc - LOL....once i seen the pic i was dying...
Begged me to stop - "There's no juice left in my body"
As my penis flopped she said "Luc you're so Godly"<--- that bar had me cracking up to...on to the verse though..started off real dope...good wording...imagery...kinda went off as it went on imo...but you did have real good imagery throughout...sex scene was so - so....you didn't get real descriptive on it..just kinda skirted the edges...got into it a little but didn;t really get down n dirty.....the ending just kinda crept in ......it seems like you sat down to write a verse on bonnie...lthen at the end you where just looking for something that could go with one the topic pictures..so you threw that in so it would tie it all up.....all in all though it was a fun read..

bonnie - in the begining the flow was off to me right away..from 14 down to 11 ...then it caughts itself ......you did good with the emotions of the kid in the begining...imo...how he was feeling in the with his parents never noticeing him..but certain parts threw me off..like they where sleeping in bed then they're bounded to chairs...??..you did have good use of multi's n some mid bars..but again kinda like luc did with the sex scene you did with the gore scenes...imo...didn't really get into it just skirted around it...which coulda really boosted you piece with a nice gore part..and your ending ....kinda jsut ended...i liked how the piece started off...not so much where it went..

vote - luc ...i enjoyed both verse's ..but ima go with luc on the comedic effect...and being more creative

[Chin Kwon]

Bonnie Bathory

Someone mentioned last week, i think it was pain...??, not sure, but he mentioned as he was critiquing a verse; describing the verse like this: "First this happen, then this, and then that" lol, and it held true here. Like it's very mechanical and contrived that it took away any real personal feel. The story itself was a good one, maybe cause i'm new and all but it seem i enjoy alot of stories that others aren't, lol. Oh well. Anywayz, this was a pulp fiction that Quenton Tarantino would be proud of.


VS


Lucifer

lol...iite. LOL @ "luc, ur so godly". This was a good focused story that was meant to entertain rather than provoke thoughts. And as such, it did the job as each frames were told vividly. I can't complain about technicals; i thought it glides along smoothly. It's hard not to be entertain with a piece like this, so...well done.


Vote = Lucifer His verse was better executed. Bonnie's verse felt a bit humdrum as i was reading. Overall this was a cool matchup.

[Restproof]

Bonnie: What stood out for me in this verse was emotion. The line phrasing that gave short but deep bursts of insight to the characters was nice. For instance, the opening couplet:

"He was a genius child, and his parents were both soulless
He’d build things to make them smile, but they never gave them notice"

and

"His mom returns to pleading, his father demands he heeds and
Hes not getting what he’s needing, they’ll smile or start bleeding"

it kept the motion active while packing the emotions in a concise manner. This also helped with the flow. Altogether it kept things solid with the imagery and the story you wanted to tell.

Lucifa: The flow and the rhyme scheme on this were fantastic. The imagery was alright as well. Though some lines that others found funny, I found a little off-putting and detrimental... But I realize that's a matter of personal taste.

Begged me to stop - "There's no juice left in my body"
As my penis flopped she said "Luc you're so Godly"

Anyhow, the ending stanza just made me say "wat?" Just felt kind of tacked on. All in all a faily solid verse, though.

My vote goes to Bonnie. They were a bit even in all things... Though Luc may have edged her out in rhyme scheme, I was just feeling her verse a lot more.

[Cormier]

hmm

Bonnie- pretty nice. the imagery was nice and i think the concept and use of the topic picture were pretty cool. the writing was decent. the flow was a bit choppy, but it wasn't very bad and the rhyme was a little basic, but solid. however, i agree with some of the other voters that this needed more development. it just seemed too robotic. there wasn't a whole lot of background or character development. just, a kid hates his parents so he tortures and kills them. i think you had a good skeleton here that could have been a really nice story if some more time was spent on it.

Lucifa- writing was pretty nice. definitely better than the writing in Bonnie's verse. i think the writing started to drop a bit as you progressed throughout the story, but it was still better than Bonnie's writing. when it comes to the content, i wasn't really impressed. i didn't find it as funny as some people did, i thought the sex scene was actually kind of bland. also, the ending seemed like it was just thrown in there for shock value. no real development or anything. didn't really like that. i understand that the verse and ending kind of worked with the picture, but i still didn't really like the ending.

VOTE= Lucifa because his writing was better than bonnie's and i wasn't a huge fan of the content of either piece.

[Khôi NguJin]

Bonnie - nice on the grotesque tip. it was cool. sorta like saw, torture type shit for them not appreciatin' him and his talents. i give you the vote for the best incorporation of a pic this week. i don't think anyone else did this, and you managed to pull of a complete and solid piece. flow was nice. descriptions were good, but depth was severely lacking.. it was like instant gratification sort of like a movie you watch at the theater. but not much lasting appeal.

Lucifa - lmao..way to add your own shit to this topic..is that against the rules, i dunno? but it was still pretty funny. both of these verses were really on the light side..sometimes it's refreshing to read shit like this and not deep, poetic shit all the time. i lked how you applied the pic..u both used the same one. but both had a completely diff approach. how did you think of this btw? funny tie in...

vote - lucifa, just because he approached this with a cool spin imo, and it was written with nice flow. content lacked in both pieces, but lucifa gets this, just barely.

[oNeiRiC]

damnit im having trouble posting

[oNeiRiC]

wait it worked, damn, ! i wrote a vote a couple days ago,

oh yea i remember this one

Bonnie that was a great verse, but do you get gory all the time in your rhymes?

Lucifa that was well executed, but the unoriginal topic, along with the end idea, which was cool, although i didnt get the send the man 2 part, didnt tie in the last verse to the rest of the verse quick enough, it wasnt spectacular, i felt more juice in bonnie's

vote bonnie

[Lucifa]

5-1.
oNeiRiC vote is not only short of requirement .. it was after deadline.