[DF:WK5] TeKneeK vs BaySick (Vote!)

[Lucifa]

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

TeKneeK
Active Worth: 001pts
Vs.
BaySick
Active Worth: 000pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

[TeKneeK]

im in

[TeKneeK]

Angst Of The Teens

Don’t… Don’t… Don’t hurt me again…
Please if you’ll be leaving, don’t hurt me again…

As the leaves begin to fall from the branches of the tree
The golden sun fades behind the darkened hill from where I see
We stand together wondering how this became to be
As I droop my head to see you, you refuse to look at me…
The way how it started it was magical and memorable
I didn’t see myself to fall in love the way I did…
This unpredicted moment wasn’t something that I thought of
The way you came to me I start to hesitate and trip…
Your friends whispered rumors… and I could not believe them
But soon before I knew … I saw my friends had now received ‘em
The letters that you wrote and the places where you seen me
The nights when I was elsewhere … they said that you would need me
But what could I contribute that can change what you be feelin…
I heard you laid in bed while staring long at the ceiling…
Making wishes and explaining how your dreams were so appealing
‘Cause the way you wanted love was something I was not believin’
But then we came to meet and when I touched your hand
It left me shocked to know that I would be your man
And then we were one .. felt together… forever….
It was times like these I couldn’t think of nothin’ better (nothing better) (nothing better)

A teenage love…
a…a… a teenage love…
Don’t… Don’t… Don’t hurt me again…
Please if you’ll be leaving, don’t hurt me again…

We took a walk, had a bite, went to movies, met your friends…
It was precious times with you I could see no end..
My pride had exceeded me while holding your hand
Tellin guys, ‘yeah this my girl’ and u say, ‘yeah thas my man’
The way I embraced you brought a warmth to your heart
And everything seem like it wouldn’t fall apart..
But later… the problems began to grow amongst us
The phone conversations were nothing but fuss
You had the kind of problems which you felt was so deep
That it was only ‘bout your family and not about me
So what’s this to me.. you couldn’t speak from your heart
And for months we had it good but now its ‘bout to fall apart
We left without words and gave our space for two days
Without communication thinking when we’ll meet again to say
I knew about ta troubles… and ya knew my problems too
But she never made it public from all the stress that she was through
You would keep it all secret and act like it was nothin’
But my worries and concerns had made me force to knowin somethin’
But all you wanted was the love and all
I was here to help with troubles but your guard would not fall
Its trouble that you brought and I could see no end…
This became a bigger problem… possibly not being friends….

A teenage love…
a…a… a teenage love…
Don’t… Don’t… Don’t hurt me again…
Please if you’ll be leaving, don’t hurt me again…

And soon before you know it… her life’s gotten worst…
she’s skippin all her classes feelin lonely and hurt
And with that… it really had me second guessin love
From all the things she told me long ago what she was dreamin of..
The lovin… the huggin… the way well grow as friends
And how our bond together surely have us see to no end
The affection… protection and the strength that we had
Has now been sand between my fingers when I lend to her my hand…
And as we stand here today… my whole body feels numb
From this moment which we dread that we never thinking of…..
No words…
My tears fall again….

She leaves the necklace that I bought her… and then it all sees end….


…..


Don’t… Don’t hurt me again…
Please if you’ll be leaving, don’t hurt me again…

[BaySick]

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley

As I stood there in front of the door I would approach more..
usually I hear him barking real loud and I usually just ignore..
but today nothing to ignore nothing to not listen too..
my dog is supposed to watch me and over my home missin you..
So I forcefully push the door open two inches above the knob..
as it slams against the wall he now begins to bark mixed with slob..
he was sleeping or nappin or takin his time watchin over my house..
I kick into his mouth he yelps and shouts like a trap that snapped a mouse..
He runs away from me hides under my bed but forgets he’s mine..
I own him and everything he pretends be around or seems to find..
I run up their pull him out and put him out on the porch he’s tied up..
as I goto bed and wake up the next morning I here him barking sounds rough..
I walk out there and he’s tangled up around the pole I tied his ass too..
as he whines and yelps I shine a crack my belt I beat first with my shoe..
then I slap him with my belt and snap on the felt collar now he’s in trouble..
from the pole we walk back into the house I feel bad so I feed bits of kibble..
as I put him in is cage for the next day I wake up too him barking again..
im fuckin tired of this worthless dog and beating him but he’s dead..
as I go let him out of his cage he runs away bust through the door..
I say fuck him he knows hell come back im his master he know nothing more..



I come home familiarly hearing the barking but I tend to have ignored..
I see his collar is trapped in the door I bend down to pull it forward..
as it slides out so does the door I walk in and see him sitting down..
I run after him and he runs up stairs I start to walk back around..
I see the collar that I found wasn’t the felt one I had given him..
as I walk up the stairs a man points a gun, , ,I lay dead only spirit within..
I begin to think of all the dogs why this one of all the ones iv captured..
I seem to lose one and another comes back and set a trap for..
me to be killed by there rightful masters with a rifle to the head...
I was once the hunter now the hunted instead..

[-Atreyu-]

Tekneek-
This was a lot of Emotional Carl Thomas RNB type of jargon.The verse was written ok as afar as mechanics go, but it almost made me throw up.The concept was played as hell like beating a dead horse...a teenage love...ok,great:

"As the leaves begin to fall from the branches of the tree
The golden sun fades behind the darkened hill from where I see
We stand together wondering how this became to be
As I droop my head to see you, you refuse to look at me…
The way how it started it was magical and memorable
I didn’t see myself to fall in love the way I did…
This unpredicted moment wasn’t something that I thought of
The way you came to me I start to hesitate and trip…"

Thos elines stood out to me:
6/10=C
---
Baysick-
Your grammatical errors were annoying as fuck,and the verse just really rambled and rambled...to nowhere.You were like..."And I did this,and then he did this,and then I did this", I was like wtf is this?I really didnt understand what you were trying to get at and the mechanics were just wack to me.I did like your ending,but the story could have been built up much much better to fit the whole hunter being the hunted scheme.
4/10=D-
---
Vote= Tekneek

[Atheist]

Tekneek:
Your writing has always leant towards an audio sense, whereby you concentrate on the flow first and content second. I think here your story was a good one, about a blossoming relationship that becomes doomed and ultimately ends. It’s something everything will have encountered, and can therefore relate to. However, I feel that your flow was a little bit sketchy here and there, and some of the lines seemed forced and oddly worded in order for the rhyme to fit. Also, your lack of multiple rhyming makes the read a little more laborious; this would not be a problem in audio, but in text, it’s incredibly easy to notice.

However, I still feel that the content was worthy of some praise, and I really enjoyed the amount of development you dedicated towards the two characters.

Favourite lines:
We took a walk, had a bite, went to movies, met your friends…
It was precious times with you I could see no end..
My pride had exceeded me while holding your hand
Tellin guys, ‘yeah this my girl’ and u say, ‘yeah thas my man’
The way I embraced you brought a warmth to your heart
And everything seem like it wouldn’t fall apart..
But later… the problems began to grow amongst us
The phone conversations were nothing but fuss

BaySick:
This verse was, to be it simply, a terrible read. Your wording is so god-awful that each line is just so difficult to read. Look at this, for example: “as he whines and yelps I shine a crack my belt I beat first with my shoe”. You really need to work on your wording, because this verse was a constant example of terribly constructed sentences. Furthermore, and as a result of this, your flow was disastrous. I’m not an individual who usually notices flow that much, but when it’s this bad it’s not hard to spot. Now, onto your content; I just didn’t see the story as anything special. A man beats his dog, almost daily, and then one day comes home and gets shot by the rightful owner. Your poor wording made the story staggered, sketchy, and seemingly jump from one segment to the next without any development, explanation, and so forth.

Overall, I think you could have approached this topic far better. But your poor grasp of the basic fundamentals of writing and rhyming really let you down here, and you really need to improve in those areas so that you can maximise your potential as a writer in this league. Sorry to come across harshly, but these are only criticisms and they are for your benefit.

Favourite Lines:
he was sleeping or nappin or takin his time watchin over my house..
I kick into his mouth he yelps and shouts like a trap that snapped a mouse..


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Vote: TeKneek.

He dropped a verse that was more polished, and basically better in every aspect.

[Lucifa]

TeK - I think this had a real nice steady flow for the most part .. with a few little tweaks this would definitely work as an audio track .. an RnB/Rap crossbreed tune .. the vocab was substandard and I found the use of "me" in the rhyming became a little overkill .. but the content was enjoyable enough even though it's a concept that is played and you didn't really strive to make it stand out or be different with a clever twist or anything .. a straightforward piece but I found the flow to be a redeeming feature making the read more enjoyable than the content ..

BaySick - ew .. sorry duke but I really didn't warm to this piece .. the stretched lines and crazy amount of grammatical errors made this a chore to endure .. the content was bland and I was uninterested in it from early on and it never picked up .. I hope you'll be sticking around and improving you writing as there are a lot of good writers here that will offer you good tips in their feedback .. but this was sucky ..

Vote = TeKneeK ..

[Got Life?]

Tek - I don't know who could hear this as an audio piece...your lines were stretched as hell with rhymes few and far between...the entire scheme was painfully basic and I felt like I was reading an emo poem rather than a hip hop verse...the whole tone of the piece was whiny and depressing...the characters were undeveloped and poorly demonstrated...all the imagery was painfully cliche...also...watch your verb tense homie...shit was off on several occassions...this also showed no signs of being proof read as grammatical errors were abundant and snagged me throughout the entire read...you posted 3 days early...there's no excuse for not having proof read your own verse. Very sub-standard here...if this is what you plan on bringing to the table week-in/week-out, you're going to have a very bumpy road in your return.

Bay - This was absolutely retarded...I hope you sign the fuck out...garbage garbage garbage...the writing reminded that of a 10 year old at most...terribly stretched bars...horrible rhyme scheme...awful content...retarded development...worst verse I've read from you and that's saying a lot...wow @ you wasting 3 minutes of my life /w that trash.

vote = Tek...

Tek wrote a shitty verse but it was better than Baysick's by leaps and bounds.

[TeKneeK]

thanks for the critiques guys.....
thanks for showing up bay...
votes will go here...

[3-Planes]

tek

what the fuck, this was terribly mawkish a really unpleasant reading experience.. not unpleasant as in eerie and creepy, but rather unpleasant like having to shave with no shaving cream or hot water available.. poor wording, dull flow and not much in the way of imagery.. horrible cliché of a piece (i guess that's what i should've expected what with the topic and all, but alas i didn't) a very banal conception..

bay

yuck, i'd rather have to pay for everything i will ever buy with pennies from here on then have to read this shit again.. stretched flow with all the grace of a mongoloid figure skater, and the concept was just stupid.. downright retarded (i really, REALLY hated this)

after having red bay's piece tek's piece seems like the dopes shit i've ever read in retrospect

vote: TeKneeK

[Vern Acular]

tekneek...


i guess i would have to hear the song, cause in the textual sense, i really didn't get into this, i tried to catch a flow but couldn't really get one, so yea....umm typical story about boy meets girl, fall in love fight break up yada, in other words this wasn't creative at all and to be honest it was a chore to read, no real rhyme scheme implemented and your mechanics were bland, i just didn't get into this man, i'll just say you're rusty and make up for it next week

baysick...

lmao...sorry to be blunt, but that verse was horrible man, what were you thinking, this verse was short but seemed to go on and on and on and on and on....get my drift, mechanics???....sorry i dont like to be mean and usually like to give obstructive critisism, but what was the point of this whole story, i cant really say much more for this story except the fact atleast you showed, so like i told tek, do better next week


VOTE - TEKNEEK ....both verses lacked overall appeal but tek atleast had a more complete verse with direction and although i didn't like it, it made more sense to me

[Cormier]

not impressed

Baysick- first and foremost, you need to really go over your pieces with a fine-tooth comb to make sure there's no glaring grammatical errors. there were a few in this that just completely take your focus away from the piece and really make the read very unsmooth. this piece just did nothing for me. the flow was choppy and stretched a bit at times and the rhyming was quite basic. the wording was god awful and the content itself really wasn't that interesting. you really need to focus on just choosing the right words and making sure that each line reads crisply and fluidly.

Tekneek- also, not very impressed. the flow and rhyme were extremely shaky. sometimes both were there and sometimes neither were present. your wording at times was also bad, making some lines sound forced. It was not as bad wording as in Bay's verse, but the wording still was not good the content was nothing special, but it was relatively relatable for some readers. and the characterization displayed in the piece was pretty decent. overall, you won this battle pretty easily, but only because Bay's verse was so bad.

VOTE= Tekneek

[Khôi NguJin]

alright...tekkk..you have come so much better in the past..i know becos when i was last here, you were prob. on top of your game...i see you've just recently come back just like me. so, you're prob. rusty, and i'll look forward to much better verses in the coming weeks..it was a really cliche story about young love, and i don't think that the chorus helped much. your mechanics weren't as good as they usually are,and even the flow lacked..disappointed, but i think you'll come much better in the future...

baysick..you gotta elevate man...maybe you're new to this..and if you are, i understand, because i was disgustingly horrible at writing when i first started too...i dunno man...bad mechanics, no multis, flow was so hard to find..it wasn't even existant..i think you gotta keep practicin' man..i see some potential, but you should study from some of the more potent writers in this league and come back next week with a better showing..


v.tekneek, even though his wasn't the best verse either...

[Jimmy Eles]

i liked the hook..i could see it gettin sung on some rnb type shit..far as the verse..it was okay..nothing mind blowing...very cliche but you wrote it nicely. skeme was reg some use of multi's ...far as the story good use of emotional aspect...good flow also so it made it an ejoyable read..

baysick...verse was very basic...skeme was boring...no use of multi's no use of mid bar rhyming....and its not even like you sacrificed all that for the sake of a good story because the story wasn;t nothing special..

vote tekneek

[Quriosity]

Tekneek wins, 8-0