sex without pain is like food without taste - de sade
regular sex was always such a brittle flame..
so whats the point of the loving..without a little pain..
wen i was young belive me..i used to be scared and scarred..
living discretly and neatly in such a messy life is hard..
now when men meet me...they find it hard not to stare...
they dont know daddy beat me..i think its far from fair...
usually my mind is unwilling to let the past fall away..
shivering at all the memories that i call my day..
i have always been a prisoner in my own tomb.
used to say i was a flower waiting for lone bloom...
didn't know i was to be devoured like a favorite food..
it could of alll been avoided but my family aloud it..
set in course of course the first time i was de flowered..
i remember it well..the smell in the air color of my sheets...
sound of his feet as he came in to tuck me into sleep...
saying "honey your daddy's little girl let me have a peak....
my father so deep and the strength of his body heat...
seeing the clock tick i thought i was going to be sick...
and papa got mad because there was blood on his dick...
then he spoke to me "see you cant even do this right"
then he left shut out the light didnt kiss me goodnight..
i felt ashamed that he always wanted more of me..
later on it became that he didn't ever enjoy me...
but i still have a picture of me and my dad...
walking in the park while he's holding my hand...
it aids me in the search to find something to take away the agony...
and the epiphany came with my first boyfriend slapping me.
cause quickly the flame inside was so hot and bothered.
and it was the same treatment i always got from my father...
so i started to love the feeling of that fat lip...
its my way of healing...yes i know it's sick..
and afterwards i was on a quest for bigger fish..
taking turns with lighter burns and any wish...
the minds eye could ever dream of being fulfilled..
boyfrieng after boyfriend more and more danger....
then towards the end it was scoring poor strangers...
and thats when my newest man seen the knife on the window sill
i never knew for him my house would be the scene of a crime...
we have been threw these scenes and routines a number of times...
my wonder grew when he said "you wanna have fun with some knives...
I spoke never even thinking of looking around once...
saying "sure you know im always down for some fun....
thought he would rough me up some and then fuck me...
it felt even better when the hunters knife touched me..
i had almost climaxed the very instant i felt a scratch..
and i did ....from the blade poking threw my back...
more strokes more pokes to let out his frustration
and my body couldn't cope with this current situation
i guess he couldn't stop because he kept on attacken..
going and going till he cut threw n seen the mattress,,,
i was seeing all black hoping it was all in my mind.....
and when my lid's opened all i seen where his eyes..
so hungry and burning yearning for something more...
i looked around turning to where my blood had poured...
red was seeping threw and what i seen made me remember..
my father for the first time seeing blood on his member...
it was there on his and it was my blood again.... i gasp'ed...
aint this some shit life goes round at the end...i laughed..
my eyes close to let die.....me .....wat was a beautiful little girl..
and my last word where ...
goodbye cruel world...
