[DF:WK5] Saga vs Lucifa (Vote!)

[Lucifa]

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

Saga
Active Worth: 008pts
Vs.
Lucifa
Active Worth: 009pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

[Lucifa]

checking in / alternate

Votes:

[DF:WK5] CHAMPIONSHIP : Scatterboxx vs .:Pain:. (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] CONTENDERSHIP : Vern Acular vs Atheist (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] TeKneeK vs BaySick (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] basic|s|kill vs 3-Planes (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] MC Guttso vs Sound (Vote!)
..
[DF:WK5] Chin Kwon vs Khoi NguJin (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] Red Contenders : Got Life? vs Bonnie Bathory (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] Eye-Rime vs SacriFICE (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] Lotus vs _KDP_ (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] Blue Contenders : Cormier vs nom de plume. (Vote!)

[Saga]

yep yep alternate

[Lucifa]

The Comeback

Amber streetlamps lit-up a Thursday night sky
And the shadows danced as car lights drive by
Rustling of leaves in the wind clattered silently
Suddenly Lee hears car-brakes slam-on violently
An ear piercing screech of rubber on tarmac
Then Lee felt someone tugging his arm back
With intrepid caution he set gaze on his captor
Unprepared to see the chauffer of his rapture
But before his focus could adjust properly
Before Lee could ask “Why are you stopping me?”
Before he could task himself to ask to stop this
The stars above crashed and flashed his optics
From a blow so hard his eye socket was dented
Out cold on the floor as his pockets were emptied
Rifled through with contempt and aggression
A little bit of cash and a phone changed possession
Hazy visions of silhouettes stand over his limbs
Lifting him to the car and throwing him in
Dazed, confused and unable to put up a fight
As tyre revolutions took him off in to the night
Speeding down the road and rarely slowing
Drowsy but conscious he asks “Where we going?”
But no reply came from inside the darkened Range
Sat with his eye swollen shooting sharp in pain
Then without warning Lee felt someone hit his face
Before his head was incarcerated in a pillow case
And as Lee thought about the possibility of his death
Another punch landed but to the back of his neck
…
..
.
“Wakey wakey! Rise and shine you son of a bitch”
Followed by the sound of scissors cutting at stitch
As cloth fell from his vision the blinding light struck
Lee struggled but realised he was tightly tied up
“Calm down, we don’t want you doing anything too rash”
“This won’t be as fun for us, if you end this too fast”
Lee looked up and saw his mother sat opposite
Terrified eyes stared back over fibre optic composite
That he traced with his vision to a gun’s trigger
Looped and then led straight to his own finger
He froze still knowing a wrong move would be fatal
For the woman that once rocked him in his cradle
“What’s going on? Why is this happening to us?”
“Mum, don’t worry; everything will be fine, trust”
Then they heard a disrespectful and familiar voice
“Kid shut the fuck up as that’s just not your choice”
“Who is that? Fuck you man! I’ll fucking kill you!”
The voice mocked with laughter “Oh, fucking will you?”
A figure stepped forward with a hammer in hand
Raised it and with crunching force; down it slammed
Smashing Lee’s fingers like a jam filled pretzel
And claret gushed from the severed blood vessels
Lee cried out and felt faint as he saw his flaking skin
“Pull the string and you can end the pain you’re in”
Said the voice as yet another slam of the hammer fell
“Argh! FUCK YOU!” “Kid, you don’t have to yell”
“You just need to pull the cord, become a killer”
“Then I’ll let you live, or I kill you then I’ll kill her”
The room fell silent but for Lee’s whimpering cry
“Son, pull it.” “But mum, I don’t want you to die”
Her eyes widened in fear as she looked to Lee’s rear
And he felt the cold hard metal of a knife slice his ear
Then slice at his shoulder, his arm, his cheek, his chest
Slice after slice without a moment of calm and rest
Lee couldn’t take it and pulled the string that shot his mum
“Now let me go!” “No, kid; you’re so fucking dumb”
As I walked out “You can sit here til you die seeing what you’ve done”
“Give you time to reflect on how you fucked up threatening my son”
…
..
.

[Saga]

Dead end jobs - no freeway,
Starving for too much on his plate
A buffet line of emptiness,
A look of screwed up on his face

doing good - that’s what it took
To do – but then it broke:
His rope of hope that slowly
Soaked in blood from his throat.

It wraps around his neck,
and strangles chances to be
that man his father could see
back when he was thirteen
before his father died
thinking back to that – the more he cried
but with that passion – the more he tried
to do the right thing, but it was so hard
the death of his dad left his soul scared
it stole part of his youth, turned it to addiction
with no authoritative figure around to restrict him
knowing deep inside he would never survive
without those drugs he loved better than life
those drugs that kept him from making payments
that had him sleeping outside on the pavement
hiding - wishing things could have changed
back before they put that gun to her brain
telling his mom that he owed them some things
and that her life was now the exchange
these days he stays under rooftops in rain
as it falls to the ground and brings out his pain
all alone in the world, as strangers pass
with his hat out hoping to take their cash
and the undertaker laughs, unzips his bag
writing information, to go on his toe tag
knowing its been days since he’s ate
and she’s 8 and doesn’t know her father
he will die before he can see his daughter
never again will she see his evil
last time she did he had a dope bag an needle
on the coffee table by the couch
where he sat high in the house
and beat his wife, while his child watched
crying on the ground screaming for him to stop
but it took the cops to get him off her
he served time for hitting that officer
and more for the abuse
while his mom had no clue what her boy got into
only after the bullet to her body was sent through
did she know of the drugs, and debt owed
so with her last breath her love for him was let go
in death he hopes his mother understands
that under the circumstances in his world
it was either her who got killed
or his little girl
still no one should have been sacrificed
but god has plans for him to pay in the afterlife
for being a low life drug addict and bad father
he preyed for heaven, but
How can you expect to be rescued if you don’t put first things first and act proper? - William Golding

[Got Life?]

Lucy - ok right from the jump this irked me..."car lights drive by"...how exactly do car lights drive? c'mon homie...also, how in the fuck do you clatter silently...rarely slowing?...meh that was so forced into the rhyme scheme...you don't "shoot sharp in pain"...sharp with pain would work...incarcerated in a pillow case? you kidding me...talk about forced linguistics...cutting at stitch?...did you read this verse back to yourself before posting? crunching force?...umm CRUSHING...now onto the actual meat of the piece...the development was AWFUL...there's no explanation behind anything...it all feels completely random with the end line trying to offer some resolution to a pointless piece, but I feel that's a total cop out...I get that this was in regards to what happened to you the other week, but I can't account that into your story because it's not part of your story. I was unimpressed and greatly irked by your wording. The dialogue wasn't that great, there wasn't much progression, the torture method chosen was like a bad rendition of payback starring mel gibson...i unno man...maybe I'm grouchy this early in the morning, but yeah.

Saga - I almost didn't vote on this because of your verse...it was a complete chore to read...I don't know why you wrote the first 12 bars one way and the rest of the verse another way...with each line though, this got steadily worse and worse and more cliche...I honestly dreaded the reading...the scheme was insanely simple...the flow was inconsistent...the writers voice was blah...the overal creativity behind the piece was non-existant.

vote = Lucifa, but this was a bad battle.

[Sound]

honestly, didn't feel this match up. verses weren't up to par.. and it's the first battle i'm checkin' out this week. alright.. let's go.

Lucifa - i'm with GL?.. lights drive by? yeah, i get what you mean.. cars drive by with lights though. tried to get the syllable right. i usually like reading your drops man.. but this week you didn't come with it. nothing kept me reading. i think that this could have been better if you chose words a little better as well... i honestly liked the story line though, real talk. just somethings missin, as is everybody's verse, just didn't time i couldn't pick up on what it was. not a horrible drop.. but not a good one either bro.

Saga -

Dead end jobs - no freeway,
Starving for too much on his plate
A buffet line of emptiness,
A look of screwed up on his face

it might be me man, but i saw where you were going with this.. although i feel its hella simplistic, and i seriously didn't like it at all. i get the analogy, etc.. but it just didn't reach me. overall, a bad verse like Lucifa's.. although i didn't like yours at all. everything was bland and i didn't like any of the content. nothing made me want to continue reading, or had me waiting for more.


two not so good verses.. yet a clear winner.

v/ Lucifa.

[Quriosity]

Lucifa, i actually quite enjoyed this, story wise i think this was interesting and entertaining, kept me reading the entire time, i liked the structure being that it was similar to mine in recent weeks but there were many hiccups in the flow, all of which were minor distractions to the content but nevertheless they were distracting and so i thought it only right to mention them, times like the gaze/chauffeur just threw me off a bit because you would be rhyming about 3/4 syllables (give or take) and then throw in a line like that where only the last syllable would rhyme, other lines were just imperfect rhymes but i easily kept reading like trigger/finger, hardly a distraction but noticeable, aside from these which did little damage negatively towards the verse i actually enjoyed the story, somewhat fast paced, i had no idea how it would be related to your situation but the ending was spot on for me, i was confused at first thinking that maybe you revealed that it was a split personality or something but then i realized that it was you torturing someone who had threatened your son, very evil in nature but nicely done, of course you could have done so much more with this but you covered a lot of important aspects of the story, from the crash to the kidnapping to the person waking up and seeing his mom and other tiny bits and pieces that made this more complete, i don't know what else to say, i liked it though for what its worth though against any good story with strong mechanics it would probably fail because something didn't click to me (but i can't put my finger on it), all in all though it was pretty good from where i'm sitting, oh and the car lights drive by was a nice touch (just to irk GL?), he's being too picky where it isn't needed, if you read the line you're describing how it would have seemed had you been there, darkness and all you see is the car lights instead of the car, very precise, both clatter silently and shoot sharp in pain were stretches though but still minor and easily overlooked, like clatter i suppose isn't necessarily loud but naturally we use it in the sense of noise and thus it seems forced, i'm sure if i were to thoroughly analyze this i'm sure i'd find other faults but oh well

saga, i assume by scared you really meant scarred, simple mistake i suppose, the intro was a bit iffy, i liked the buffet of emptiness and the rope image and whatnot, but i didn't like the structure here for your big introduction, overall i think it failed to serve its purpose due to the structure you chose and it only being good in the beginning, after this it picked up quite a bit but your main flow was your choice in content, i really expected so much from you after last week but now i'm concerned that either it was a fluke or i was just tripping and overrated you as a writer, nevertheless i thought this was boring in content, very played material here unworthy of a verse really and the way you presented it was nothing new, i liked some of the descriptions and stuff in the middle but its like you repeated yourself after you already said that she was murdered as if it was just a side event but then later turned your focus back to it as if it were the main event, plus again (to repeat myself in saga fashion) the whole drug bit was a bit redundant and you really didn't pull it off here, decent tie in to the quote though which i can clearly tell inspired you to write such a piece but you should have known that this would be seen as drab, drug pieces at least have to be original in approach or do something creatively (like infinite's last week) to be taken seriously, this was good at times but overall pointless because you did little with an already overused subject and i just couldn't get into it, also you suffered mechanically like the intro, directly after the intro, and the ending, the bulk of it went along nicely for the most part but offered nothing new to the reader, i almost felt cheated

all in all i think i liked luci's and though i can't say that saga's was terrible (although he definitely had mechanical flaws as well and the intro was a bit eh) his choice of material was the dead giveaway

lucifa wins

[3-Planes]

Lucifa

night sky/drive by - not a big fan of multis having the same vowel sound, it's not aesthetically appealing.. heres another example, but not with the vowel repetition, of writing that just doesn't appeal to me phonetically:

"As cloth fell from his vision the blinding light struck
Lee struggled but realised he was tightly tied up"

the flow was pretty solid, even lines and multi syllables made the progression of this piece somewhat smooth.. there were a couple of wording issues (i've already discussed that) but on the whole this story, for what it was, was pretty well-crafted.. the enjoyment-factor was 'low' to 'zero' as i simply find these stories meaningless (what my stylistic preference dictates)

saga

a tired, tired cliché of a concept - and that dreary flow and emotionally disconnected tone you presented this didn't help either.. you set the bar very low with that horrible intro - the flow got a little better as this piece progressed and was actually pretty enjoyable in certain sections (but on the whole it was pretty terrible).. paper doll type 2-dimensional characters, no depth or a trace of "believable" psychology (in short i was very aware that i was reading a storytellers constipated labor of creativity)

as i see it saga could've kept the plot and even the dreary flow if he had only written this a little better, a little more personal, likeable and, foremost, credible.. as it stands i deem that lucifa snags it on the writing-tip

vote: Lucifa

[Cormier]

Saga- man, this was rough getting through. this really had almost no redeeming qualities. i'm sorry if that's a bit harsh, but i have to be real with you. there were a couple lines that evoked some decent images and thoughts, such as the buffet of emptiness line, but that's about all this had going for it. the writing was so basic and bland, the wording was not good in some parts and the story itself had no creativitiy or originality. just, not impressed at all. this is the worst verse i've read of yours. i'm sorry, but it is. that's at least good because it means that this is not your usual writing and you can do much better.

Lucifa- again, as with Saga, this is one of the worst verses i've read from you. also a bit of a chore to get through. however, with your verse it was mostly a chore because of the constant horrific wording. it seemed like every time i got over one poor word choice and moved on i got beaten over the head by another one. however, your story was a bit more interesting than Saga's and your piece did have a pretty decent flow and rhyme to it, so you easily get the vote.

VOTE= Lucifa

[Jimmy Eles]

...flow was eh...skeme was simple...not really any mid bars...or multis..as far as the story goes pretty cliche type of verse..i mean almost everythings been done its kinda hard to avoid but ....well you know...its all been said under me...

lucy-same with you as far a skeme and use of multi's goes..flow was there though and made it a bit more enjoyable to read..some of the wording was off and that threw me off a bit..enjoyed the story itself for the most part though..

vote - lucifer

[Quriosity]

Lucifa wins, 5-0