[DF:WK5] CONTENDERSHIP : Vern Acular vs Atheist (Vote!)

[Lucifa]

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

Vern Acular
Active Worth: 015pts
Vs.
Atheist
Active Worth: 010pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

[Vern Acular]

Check...good luck...and of course alternate

[DF:WK5] CHAMPIONSHIP : Scatterboxx vs .:Pain:. (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] Blue Contenders : Cormier vs nom de plume. (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] Red Contenders : Got Life? vs Bonnie Bathory (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] TeKneeK vs BaySick (Vote!)
[DF:WK5] Lotus vs _KDP_ (Vote!)

[Vern Acular]

Last of the Titans
by Vern Acular


Prometheus is reaching out for the stars with an empty grin on his face. - Arthur Kostler


when Prometheus was young he used to have ideas
his thoughts were twisted to a level all of a mankind feared
he seen some things to make a man cry tears...but as a titan
he never gathered excitement he was anti-cheer
he had my ears, and as 9 years passed he changed
a boy to a titan....soon he would surpass his name
from within his active brain an odd an abstract domain
I guess the goodness of his heart left him attached to chains
here are the facts explained....Pro was mythologies sinner
he stole fire from Olympus if you're a god you're remember
Zeus was mortified, of course he tried to stop him he hindered
Prometheus by chaining him up to a rock in the winter
he sent an eagle to feast upon him as his body was tender
his boiling blood bathed the eagles lips as it gnawed at his liver
excruciating pain displayed as his solemness entered
it's final stage til he was saved by an uncommon avenger
a novice, beginner ...Hercules a brave individual
who later became immortal see he gained it intervals
12 immerse labors later he would bathe in the pinnacle
being a human turned immortal was debated as cynical
but this day was a pivotal turning point in our history
the day a titans resistance became the voice of the century
a resource to the human race they all rejoiced with intensity
Prometheus left our world it was his choice to forget of me

my name's atlas…pro's brother, the same brother that took the wrap
see when pro left, Zeus punished me and put me in a trap
you know the saying of the worlds on my shoulders...look cause it's a fact
cause as a punishment he literally put it on my back
you're looking at a map walking...for days…through the hours
see the weather is my life...IM human nature you cowards
when it rains it pours...naw, im just taking a shower
so when I get the urge to do so....then thank me for flowers
but I wait to devour you all...see this is the worse
remember the earthquakes...that was just me flicking the earth
the thunder….yep…me too…delivering burps
and when I sigh…a tornado seems to rip through the dirt
just sitting here hurts, imagine while I suffered...I fainted
what would happen to your planet see I wonder im anxious
would you feel it at all....to me I feel that nothing is painless
I wish you all would die...but being im the son of Uranus
it doesn't make me much more of an ass to stuff that im saying
it's quite wonderful aint it living is just something I’ve hated
it must suck to be tainted? perhaps if you knew of my existence
and knew that if I shifted you would plummet, but wait if…
Someone created a way for me to end or escape
This life that im living…I would have to give an ok
See if I escaped….I would put an end to the race
Hurling the world into space with an evil grin on my face...

These were the words of Atlas and Prometheus both at the same time
As if they both had the same mind they saw the world with the same eyes
See at first Prometheus tried to help the world and create lives
Made of clay, but a later day he was faced with a great lie
Hate crimes, murders and rapes rise…of course it never dies
When negativity gathers like ants towards the watermelon rind
See the humans didn’t appreciate the order set by gods
So Prometheus reached for the stars before he said goodbye
Born to stay alive he contradicted the theory
He sent an arrow through the stars…the prediction is eerie
Atlas dies by his brothers hands his intentions were clearly
To end what he started, the world was eventually buried

And so it’s said…

With everything he suffered for….neglecting execution
Prometheus tried to help…he gave up everything for humans
As time progressed they turned their back he had to wrestle with confusion
And to this day…
Nothing’s more sad than the death of an illusion. Arthur Kostler



~~~

[Atheist]

you've posted already?

okay.

lol.

i'll be posting thursday probably.

that's the first day i am free from work.



votes:
1. Championship: Scatterbox vs. Pain
2. Red Contendership: Bonnie Bathory vs. Got Life
3. 3-Planes vs. Basic Skill
4. TeKneeK vs. BaySick
5. Sacrifice vs. Eye-Rime

[Atheist]

Topic: The Threshold of Life.
Title: The Key to Apartment 46B: Part I.



The winter winds cascaded the landscape with awkwardness,
while sleet’s serpentine lips licked the manmade metropolis.
The city was overcast, with the denizens enslaved to terrestrial ways,
as the thunder crackled in vivid defiance of man’s bestial displays.
This was Downtown Mercer…
A city deprived
by the expedient and guiltiest minds of malefactors;
An urban detritus where innocents die on the city’s calloused pastures.
And today was no different. Sgt John Clifton paced the corridor
of Apartment 46B; his boots echoing on the hardened floor.

“Sarge, several neighbours have reported an imposing stench
comin’ from this apartment.”
Constable Harris choked then said,
“Sir... I think you might wanna hold your breath.”

They approached the scene, passing beneath yellow police tape,
as John glanced at his colleagues and the masks covering each face.
It was true; the stale stench of the room aggravated his lungs.
“Sarge, you must know…”
Harris’ words could hardly wait on his tongue.

“We called in a locksmith.”

“And?” John suddenly sighed.

“Well, it appears the room was locked from the inside.”

John paused, turned towards Harris and searched his face,
and knew the rookie was still eager to tackle a murder case.
“It’s alright,” John smiled, as his arms enclosed his chest;
“You’ll get a taste of murder…
But as you said;
You just gotta hold your breath.”


* * * * * * *


John removed his jacket and used it to wrap his fist,
as he punched the door’s opaque window. The glass shattered in
splintered shards across the floor; he winced his arm
through the broken glass,
found the key in the handle and twisted hard.
Suddenly, a noisome chorus of decrepit air attacked silently,
and hit John so hard he stumbled back and gagged violently.
“SIR!?” Harris roared as he fumbled and motioned forth
while their colleagues in masks ran in through the open door.
But John coughed again, buckling over as he clutched his belt.
He thought he’d seen it all, but this stench was something else.
Suddenly, he stumbled; his eyes welled as he brazenly swayed,
and all went black as the sound of Harris’ screams faded away.

The little girl lay angled in a coldly zone;
Her face was battered,
Her waist was shattered,
She had many broken bones.
She rolled sluggishly, a pitiful sight as she tried to rise herself,
But her body was so mangled she couldn’t even cry for help.
That’s when he found her; and with no one else in sight,
He approached her in the svelte of night and knelt by her side.
He wrapped his jacket around her, bent awkwardly forth
Then lifted and carried her to the nearest hospital doors.
“I’m Constable Clifton…”
he said as the doctor speedily stepped in.
“I found her fallen in the street, she needs some attention.”

When John came to, he was crouched in position
as he wrestled off the image of his first encounter with a victim.
“You’ve been out for a few minutes,”
Harris said and held his gaze
as John shook off the cobwebs until everything fell in place.
“What’s in that room?”
John collected himself.
“What do you have to share with me?”
“Sarge, you must know…”

Harris considered his next sentence carefully.

“Sir, they found a girl,” his words echoed in awkward movements,
“I’m afraid it’s not good, John; they found your daughter, Susan.”

John bolted upright, enraged, feeling himself crumble to pieces.
He ran into the room as Harris yelled;
“YOU DON’T HAVE TO FUCKIN’ SEE THIS!”
And that’s when he found her; she was sprawled in a position
of morbid macabre, her body mangled beyond all recognition.
She was a horrid cadaver, a sight that nightmares envision.
Her skin was peeled back;
the organs oscillated with careless ambition.
Her face was slashed apart, and her smile was clustered tight,
as John held his face in his hands, then all of a sudden cried.

He felt sunk and vanquished, his heart was crushed, abandoned.
And as he saw the key in the door handle,
he asked;

“How could this have fuckin’ happened!?”



To be continued…

[Lucifa]

great .. another tough one to vote on ..

Vern - I thought this was pretty cool .. but .. I found a few errors that were niggley .. "forgot of me" = huh? .. forced for the multi and awkward wording at best .. "but wait if.." = erm, I think you meant "what if" .. I think? .. the flow wasn't brilliant for me and not consistent anyway .. the 2nd stanza was my favourite section and I liked the outro section too .. they elevated the interest levels of the piece for me .. the use of mythical gods and such was a decent attempt to have a creative verse and for what it's worth I think you did a decent job with it .. but it was a flawed verse IMO ..

Atheist - people don't tend to like pieces that are "to be continued" .. and a lot of people (myself included) never actually go and 'continue' these pieces .. lol .. I enjoyed the presentation of the piece as it was slightly unconventional but read like a story/book .. I do think it dragged out somewhat in areas whilst almost skimming more important/interesting areas of the plot .. the 'twist' of it being his daughter wasn't very clever and when mentioned kinda hit a sour note for me for being so unoriginal and pretty predictable as a concept .. with that said I do think your descriptive work was decent and I felt entertained by the story itself .. it just didn't have any impact on me ..

Vote = fuck sake .. I don't even know .. argh .. you pair of bastids .. making this shit so hard ..

Vote = .. erm .. nope .. still undecided .. Vern had a fairly creative verse but not overly so as it was easy leading using the mythical figures we know about .. whilst Atheist had some good descriptive work that gave a feel of the "Condemned" video games .. but the TBC thing was a bit hurtful to the overall feel as it leaves the verse feeling incomplete ..

maybe that is good enough reason to ..

Vote = Vern Acular .. both had positives and negatives to their pieces .. both had good reads with flaws .. neither gave this up too easily .. but .. I think not knowing what was going on fully in regards to how or why the girl died and whether or not this was a supernatural vybe or serial killer vybe or simply a one off crime left too many holes for me as the reader to really feel comfortable voting it over Vern's completed piece ..

a good battle .. but not of the outstanding nature .. close .. but I think I'm happy with my decision and reasoning for that decision ..

[Got Life?]

Dunno wtf Lucy was reading...sleeping on that couch has clearly fucked his perception...anyways...lets do this justice.

Atheist - I'll start with you because this verse had fewer elements to it...I see why you had to make it a to be continued because it's very hard to do a piece like this justice within 64 lines...I appreciate that you didn't sacrifice content and build up in order to fit within the line limit, but at the same time I hate pieces that don't conclude although where the piece ends could work as an ending...it's just not a satisfying one...being that as it is though you don't lose pts for a tbc cop out as I don't see it as one...the dialogue was very natural and I loved the progression...also the way you painted the scene was beautiful and it was right in front of my eyes...you my friend are quite the storyteller...I enjoyed this read very much.

Vern - The whole concept of portraying greek mythology (which is a subject I am very fond of) as reality and then saying how we as humans turned our back on it putting it off as a falacy...I think that wording was phenomenal...there are just so many different elements to this piece that jump out at me and there's so much meaning behind the lines...damn...this is the vern that I'm use to. I have to say this was one of the more intelligent pieces i've read in a damn long time.

I am not struggling to come up with who to vote for, though both put up really good verses and I can see votes going both ways, but to me one verse was a really good rendition of things done often and the other was a creative verse on a subject no one has touched in a long time and delivered with a top notch message.

vote = Vern.

great show gentlemen.

Vern - I skimmed through this piece when you first posted it and even repped you telling you to fix up some of the small grammatical errors/typos and what not, but no big deal...this piece i'm afraid will go over some people's heads as a fair many of yours have in the past...

[3-Planes]

"to a level all of a mankind feared" ..?
"he never gathered excitement he was anti-cheer" ..?
"if you're a god you're remember" ..?

wow @ the many crimes comitted against the english language in this...

the level of wording was on a roller coaster ride throughout this piece, it went from genial to downright retarded (even within the same couplet somtimes) - averaging out at about 'mediocre'.. i like the concept and the adaptation of greek mythology (the Atlas-section spawned some pleasing visuals and i think you gave the world-on-my-shoulders theme a good spin), the quality of your mechanics was similar to that of your wording, but without the same dips/peaks - to be honest i thought this was a chore to read, especially that last section (which was unpolished and seemed rushed) - nice concept (with some rough edges - topic interpretation was only so-so), sloppy execution

atheist

syllable count your multis, i personally hate it when people shift them mid-sentence.. i thorughly enjoyed the intro-section, you set up mood with carefully worded and imagery-laced rhymes - very poetic and visually distinct writing right there.. then it all went to choppy-ville; awkward transitions, dialog compromised 'fluid' for 'natural-sounding' (don't see a reason why you couldn't do both).. i find it funny that you're one of those who accuse me of having no substance (i mean this week my piece had no substance - nor was it meant to) when this piece was basically devoid of a message or any type of enjoyability.. sure if you define substance as something happening i'll concede that this had a plot - but it's just another tale of interest, a quaint little anecdote which on top of everything ended in a 'to be continued' - had you built on that openening section and taken this in another direction it could've turned out dope, but as it stands it's just another pointless story of no substance (and no i'm not throwing that word back at you for the fuck of it.. well, only a little)

hard as fuck to vote here, as it is hard to know how to value potential.. i want to give it to atheist on the merit of that intro alone, but i have to give it to vern for providing some food for thought wrapped in (in places) excellent imagery

vote: Vern Acular

[.:Pain:.]

Vern - I'm huge on ancient Greek and Roman history, so this was pretty cool read for me. The flow came and went, which is weird cuz I've come to expect one of the smoothest flows around from you. Overall this piece was pretty good, I don't have much criticism, I just would've liked to see a little more style in your verse, it wasn't too flowery and seemed pretty plain to me while I was reading it. Maybe it was just me, I mean you did have some abstract concepts, but not enough to really captivate the reader and make him think.

Atheist - This read like a graphic novel to me, which is a great fuckin' thing. The storytelling, especially the dialogue, is so natural when it comes to the wording, and I think it's sick how all your sentences seem to have rhymes that just fall into place. nothing about your rhyme scheme is forced. With that said, once again, and this'll probably be the last time I say this cuz I doubt you care, but your flow is too damn stretched, lol, this could never in a million years be a song. It can be, however, and is, a great story.

Vote - Atheist...

[Jimmy Eles]

atheist - i really really enjoyed this piece.....felt like a was reading a book......cept it rymed...like a james patterson featurein Dr Sues.....lol..but nah .....flow was real nice..skeme was reg...some use of multi's...i liked that though cause you weren't forceing anything and makeing it hinder the story...

vern- i used to be into greek n roman mythology wen i was lookin forward to readin it once i seen wat it was bout...skeme was tight good use of multi's...not a much of a story as a though ...he got you o nthat tip...flow was there but certain things were worded akword...n it messed up my readding at times cause id go back n re read that line like wtf...

vote - atheist......for me im more of a story over mechanics guy.....could go either way depending on the voters prefrence

[Cormier]

hmm...

Atheist- i dug the whole progression and development of this piece. you built the main character pretty well and really set up this story nicely. the writing was pretty good. i think at times the flow faultered a little and there were a few iffy word choices (you tried to use "coldly," an adverb, as an adjective and that really threw me off. didn't like it one bit). as i said, the story progressed well, but since this is to be continued the story has really no closure (obviously). if i read the entire story, it may be great, but in this league we have to take each piece singularly and with this one there really isn't much to the story. it's a nice set up for what may be coming, but by itself it's not very strong.

Vern- pretty nice. flow and rhyme were pretty good, as usual. but i have to say that your verse, just like with Atheist's, there were some very iffy word choices. i think 3PA pointed out a few so i won't go into many examples in this breakdown, but yea some of the awkward wording through me off a bit. i'm into mythology, so i immediately was into the content of the piece. it was cool, i liked the Atlas section more than the Prometheus section. the Pro section seemed to just be you telling the story of Prometheus, which i already knew so that wasn't anything special to me, but in the Atlas section you actually brought out some cool visuals and didn't just retell his story, so that was cool. aside from the iffy wording, i dug this piece.

VOTE= Vern. If Atheist finishes his story he started here, it may be fucking awesome. but this piece has to be looked at by itself and it's just not strong enough in my opinion to win this week.

[Khôi NguJin]

Alright....Vern, this was a very very dope verse. you managed a crisp flow coupled with an engaging and well told story. your mechanics were really polished, as expected from a savvy vet such as yourself. you managed to write a compelling, meaningful verse, all the while adding some humor such as the 'uranus' line...you kept it poetic and street...i like that. as for the story, great job writing from both pro's and atlas' perspective..it reallly had a feel like if they had something to say, that's what they would tell the humans. i enjoyed the atlas section more..it had a lot of quotables, and i liked your take on it. you finished strong with that second quote, "nothing's more sad than the death of an illusion"...it put your story to completion as well as adding so much to your verse..great piece...

alright, ath...it's been a while man. i read your previous weeks verse, i thought that was awesome, so i was def. expecting more of the same..you always amaze me with your vivid storytelling..this verse was no different..i think you tend to sacrifice flow for content, as you've always done in the past. although, your mechanics have gotten so much better..your style is dope, and i know that you can write a sick flowing verse too, it's just when you tell a story, development of the story comes before the flow..i think you do a good job combining both. i loved the beginning, and the subtle allliteration, made the words flow so smoothly off the tongue....imagery was strong in the piece as well...however, i felt that emotion was lacking, or maybe it was just unsincere emotion..i'm not sure but i didn't feel it from this piece. maybe it wasn't the best idea to end it with a 'to be continued'...i was expecting a bit more from you, especially in this battle. i still thnk you wrote a verse that would beat the majority here tho...

Imma vote Vern Acular because he came with a unique take, and blended two topics together so smoothly, difficult topics as well...

[SacriFICE]

Man, this is a GOOD battle.

Vern: Awesome story, well developed despite the sloppy writing and what not, but the story progressed naturally as hell and left me with a really good feeling in the end. Finally a feeling of completeness after reading something this week. There are so many layers of metaphor in this piece that people probably aren't reading into. Such a deep piece despite it being a straightforward story with characters and what not. One thing that I absolutely hate that you and others do is this whole "See, this is blah blah blah" and then a couple lines later, "See, this is the reason for the yadda yadda." What's with the obsession with see, like you're talking to the reader.. haha, that shit's been going on since I first joined the RSTL, it's a really unnecessary thing to do... stories should speak to the reader naturally and narration should be a seamless in and out kind of thing. However, aside from that and your really long lines this was a really good piece.

Atheist: Another very dope story. Mechanically a whole lot better than Vern's. Rhyming was a bit all over the place in parts, where syllable counts were sacrificed for story development, and that's ok. Because you filled that void with really good wording, really good poetic devices of imagery to develop a suspenseful aura around the characters. I'm not sure everyone in this league will even know the meanings of some of the words you used, and that's cool because it wasn't awkward word choices.... the words actually fit, very well, in the frame of the narrative. And that I think is the hardest thing to pull off when telling a story in rhyme. Very vivid scene development too.

TOUGH to vote on, I'm inclined to say Atheist here. Not because his story was better... but the writing was substantially better in my opinion.

Too close to call really.

[_KDP_]

great fuckin battle. after i read vern's i knew that i was going to vote for his... then i got into atheist and i'm like how the hell do i not vote for this one...

vern, i enjoyed everything about your piece. from the content, to the slight switch of voices, mechanics, everything was on point. you even attacked this week the same way i did, an introductory quote and then bringing it full circle with the death of an illusion quote. all tied together very neatly...

atheist... man. i saw it in someone elses vote and they hit the nail on the head... this read like a graphic novel. just superb story telling here. emotions, physical descriptions all were expertly described. wasn't a fan of the to be continued, but at the same time can't complain about the content because everything was described intricitly without overkill...



very tough call...


vote-atheist