[DF:WK4] Blue Contendership: Atheist vs. _KDP_ (Vote!)

[TheReturn]

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

_KDP_
Active Worth: 007pts
Vs.
Atheist
Active Worth: 006pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

[_KDP_]

blue contendership... shit sound official lol.

alternate- but i doubt i'll be needin it. g'luck atheist (never thought i'd put those thoughts together)

[Atheist]

good morning.

yes, there is no need to alternate.

i won't be posting early, but i will definitely be posting.

good luck.

[Atheist]

Little Laura was a little more than five years old…
Stunningly beautiful –
A perfect girl who lived with both parents; nothing unusual.
She dreams of being a ballerina, dancing to velvet songs,
Gliding across stage to the piano man, Elton John…
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand,
And now she’s in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand.

See…
She had such hopeful opals in a vivid, innocent face;
they were the perfect reflection of her timid, intimate ways.
And I remember it still, the Christmas display;
the snow was setting.
The glow was etched in her face as she whistled away
at the sight of bows and presents. She witnessed the play
but she knows the legend - baby Jesus, his crib in the hay.
She hears the rhythm and sways; the music holds her essence
as her daddy holds her svelte wrist and laughs in tones content.
It’s… the music that’s soothing her triangular movements.
She’s all smiles;
unaware mommy’s met a mangled conclusion.
She had rushed home with a priceless gift for her daughter;
…but then suddenly – an almighty skid, a sharp sputter,
as the engine died.
She revved it high,
but the snow caused the slightest lift; the car tumbled
and broken glass cut her insides to bits. Her heart crumbled
as ruby red liquid fled her eyes and lips in dark puddles.
Her eyes begin glazing over; her breath’s getting lighter,
and she lays motionless, with only that present beside her.
It was a music box, and the car’s force had cracked it open;
but the chimes still played and the ballerina danced in ovals.

Now…
A year has passed, and yes, it’s the same Christmas display;
but something’s different, Laura’s missing, she’s hidden away.
Hidden from the biblical play, the snow’s glowing essence,
hidden from the rhythm and the way it holds her mommy’s presence.
And her mommy’s present… that sweet little music box.
She remembers it still; daddy answers the door in shoes and socks.
There stands a man in blue, a cop,
who holds the music box carefully;

We’ve got some bad news…

She sobs at the memory.

See, a year has passed, and she still can’t bear the lulling chimes;
it’s uncontrollable, she’s inconsolable that her mommy’s died.
But there’s more to it than that; there’s the relentless anguish
at how daddy constantly drinks.
Then there’s the depressive anger
he expresses at her; “It was your present,” he recklessly stammers
“If it wasn’t for you... I told her I would be collecting it after.”
And this went on nightly, him clutching the bottle ever so tightly,
screaming and cursing her;
daddy was never so frightening.
But one night she found him ‘asleep’ in his arm chair;
his body cold, air from the window creeping his arm hair.
And on the floor beside him was her sweet little music box
with the porcelain cracked;
the ballerina was snapped among ruined cogs.
And the music didn’t play, even though the box was sitting open,
but daddy was dead; alcohol had given him liver cirrhosis.

Now little Laura was a little more than eight years old…
Stunningly beautiful –
A perfect girl who’s lost both her parents; nothing unusual.
She no longer dreams of the ballerina; those days are old,
She simply stares at the music box that doesn’t want to play no more.

So I write this for her…
For little Laura whose dreams are destroyed;
…If it wasn’t for lost innocence, those dreams you’d enjoy.
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand,
And now she’s in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand.






"There is only one certainty in life, and that is that one day you will die."
- anon

[_KDP_]

December 12, 2012

Multiple ancient calendars and prophecies have all pointed to this date as the end of man’s dominance over this planet.

Heed these words with the same intent in which they arrive,
There’s only one certainty in life, and that’s one day you will die.
Taken in stride, a race gainst time is one that you’ll lose;
finish tape visualized, but disappears soon as it comes into view.
That’s what it told me, this mystic vision that would come in my snooze,
It’s your life mission… and you cannot be one to refuse.
Punch till their bruised, but hands alone can’t bludgeon the truths;
to change fates, my son you’ll need dozens of tools.
Some of’em clues to move you through the clutches of doom,
lay within, but you must summon the substance to prove.

and with that thought, I’d always awake as if I never slept
since age 12, repetition embedded the vision until set
whatever it meant, it wasn’t feared but just sat with me, dormant
passively poignant, but it would never actively torment
more like, those hallowed words stored a war in my soul
Scorchin a hole, trailblaze to the surface foreign to cold
At twenty-four, that fuego halo’d and shot through the flesh
Gave meaning to things, reasons why I’d be put to the test
Truthfulness crept into present history they’ll be left to remember
Year twenty twelve, celebrate my birth the twelfth of December
Immaculate splendor, the skies ripped open from years of neglect
mach speeds in which the oceans lost the canvas to reflect
and in darkness, a wetness showered streets in sheets n waves
washing away, all evidence of man’s best of days
2 friends my daughter and next door neighbors is all I’d get to save
the clothes on our back n a distant memory of a better yesterday
as we waded through swamp in constant search of higher ground
waters rose as thunderous downpours roared enlightened sounds
I had to resort to the methods mentioned while I slumbered through
My life lessons had led to my essential dozen of tools
A struggling youth had taught me ways of heat preservation
collected stragglers, keen eye for hustles told me to keep reservations
well warranted, one of them was a thief in the night
tried stealing rations, sixth tool was skillful ability with a knife
and then we finally reached the summit…
my perserverance would let nothing keep me from it…
12 years we survived, alive on mountaintops high
our own society, sole survivors to the fountains from the skies
changing the fates of my people with their care in my hands
the chosen one, to usher in the next era of man.

aarrrrghh... no time to fix it up

[Atheist]

extension has been granted...

therfore;



votes:
1. Scatterbox vs. Got Life (Red Championship)
2. Vernacular vs. Saga (Red Contendership)
3. TheReturn vs. Pain (Blue Championship)
4. Source4rhymes vs. Shrug
5. Sound vs. prophetional
6. Cormier vs. MC Guttso
7. Bonnie Bathory vs. Lucifa
8. L. Kross vs. Sacrifice
9. tbone vs. Quorisity
10. DaAlmightyDolla vs. nom de plume

[Lucifa]

We don't go around deleting posts .. we move 'freeposts' and junk ..

but as for competitors .. you get 3 posts in your own thread .. exceed that and you start defaulting votes ..

ext. granted anyway ..

Atheist will start at 1-0 up in votes.

[_KDP_]

it's up there-- dont wanna run the risk of editing past the deadline trying to clean it up. let the voting begin-

time check


VOTES:

1) [DF:WK4] Lotus vs. SacriFICE (Vote!)
2) [DF:WK4] Blue Championship: TheReturn vs. .:Pain:. (Vote!)
3)[DF:WK4] Red Contendership: Vern Acular vs. Saga (Vote!)
4)[DF:WK4] Red Championship: Scatterboxx vs. Got Life? (Vote!)
5)[DF:WK4] DaAlmightyDolla vs. nom de plume. (Vote!)

[SacriFICE]

Atheist, the only issue I had was one section of forced-ish rhyming, and this is literally top level criticism to one the top writers in the league, breaking this down like this but: "he expresses at her; “It was your present,” he recklessly stammers
“If it wasn’t for you... I told her I would be collecting it after.”" - I thought the speech aspect here was ruined a tad with the chosen rhymes, HOWEVER, this is the only instant of anything substantial and this is something I just notice when I'm reading really talented writers. ASIDE from that "negative" opinion on a couple lines (I still thought the lines held enough weight to not deter from the story), you capture emotion well, with vivid description of color and texture in your characters. You do all this above average skill in rhyming techniques and you have one-liner material too where you're one of the few writers where there are often a couple blocks of one liners that more or less sum up the figurative attempt at explaining humanity.

KDP: I'll say this, if you would have stuck with the intro and carried those ideas more into your piece you would have done better to close to gap that Atheist has on you with his piece. I thought the intro was quite good in that perspective, and the flow of ideas in this piece were forced astray by such an abrupt change in writer's voice.

Vote: Atheist - Verse of the week material.

[Cormier]

KDp- you claim you had to rush this, and it shows with the last bit writing. i wish you had had more time because it started off nicely. the intro flowed and rhymed so well and really got the story started off so well. i also dug the repetition of the number 12 throughout the piece. it's just a little thing, but itshows that uo are very conscious about your own writing and you're willing to do the little things to add depth and substance to your verse. however, as i said the end of this showed that you were rushed and the development i saw at the beginning just wasn't there, which really detracted from my enjoyment of this piece.

Atheist- pretty damn nice. the emotion showed thorugh and you still had some fairly complex writing, and it's often tough to do both at the same time. a couple of rhymes came off a little forced, but not enough for me to really waste time nitpicking because for the most part, the rhyme and flow were great. i dug how you brought everything full circle in this too using the music box as a symbol for her family and her dreams' own destruction. overal i just really enjoyed the whole tone and emotional depth in this piece. impressive job.

VOTE= Atheist

[3-Planes]

_KDP_

decent attempt, but way too unpolished and underdeveloped to best your opponent in this match up, i actually thought this was a big step up from last week's effort, an improvement in mechanics and syntax, sharper wording etc. etc. this piece didn't live up to the potential inherent in the concept

Atheist

you sir are a GENIUS - halfway through i didn't connect with the symbolicism and underlying message of this piece.. and boy let me tell you, when did, i laughed myself silly... let me explain:

towards the end i began to realize that this wasn't your average Drippy McSuicide emo-type written, you DELIBERATELY wrote it so that the true atmosphere and message of this piece was to be found between the lines - MASTERFUL.. because i mean, at first i thought you had shot yourself in the foot by writing this awfully corny and mawkish scenario (connecting sadness and loss to an object in a symbolical way, in this case a music box but without any semblance of emotional realism) but when i realized your intent i started to howl with laughter... so bad in fact that i stumbled out of my bedroom (where is where i keep my computer btw) and fell to the floor with stomach cramps.. my phone rang and i was barely able to pick it up, the laughter draining my body of strength.. i musterd just enough breath to force out a "john" between the haha's.. it was my girlfriend calling btw.. she asked what the fuck was up and i think she got a little scared when i didn't answer and she must've misinterpreted my laughter as screams of agony.. because she rushed over, found me on the floor biting the carpet to stifle the laughter, she was like "WTF I THOUGHT YOU HAD SUFFERED A HORRENDOUS ACCIDENT, WTF IS UP!!!?!" i pointed to the computer monitor (where this thread was open in a browser), she skims through it (with me crying with laughter in the background) and when she's finished i hear a tentative "hehehe.." and then "hehehe... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" and she too stumbles out on wobbly legs, helps me up (all the while roaring with laughter) she puts my arm over her shoulder and half drags me out on the balcony where after 20 minutes of hysteria the cool rain dampens our cheerful mood (i sigh with relief.. my entire body aching).. we still giggle a little and i see this mischievous look in her eyes and i'm thinking "NO! don't say it bitch!" but she does: she mouths the words "hopeful opals" and we both scream out with laughter again..

displaying such wit by writing such horrible emo fag nasty sob story by design only to frame this slip-on-a-banana-peel-during-a-funeral type vibe is nothing short of incredible.. i declare that it is my firm belief that you channel the souls of george carlin and franz kafka through your typing fingers

vote: Atheist

[Narcotics]

^ damn....thats vote of the week right there.....lol ....

nah but athiest - was a very good piece of work...im not really seeing it how 3 is seeing it but every reader see's someones work differant...one or two lines were worded a lil akword...but beside that every other aspect was on point...flow for the most part..skeme multis emotions imagery... ....story was a good one .....cliche as it was you still wrote a very good verse ...


kdp -i usually really enjoy reading your pieces....i ges because you didn't have time to run back over it ...some of the wording wasn't right and really was messing up the read n flow for me....so i was never able to get fully into it.....good spin on the topic though ..om point with skeme n multi's as usual though ........at the begining i was....but to me it kinda seemed to drag through the rest...and i just didn't get into this verse like i usually tend to do with your work...

vote - atheist

[Lucifa]

Atheist - I dunno what drugs 3-P and his girl were taking when he read your piece .. lol .. it was a cool piece but I really dunno where 3-P got all that from .. it read pretty straight forward to me .. didn't sense any satire or other motive behind the content .. I enjoyed a fair chunk of the rhyming vocab you used and found the read .. although indeed a lil emo .. interesting enough to enjoy .. nice work ..

KDP - this verse is a bit harder to crit .. mainly down to you not really having a fully developed piece to compare with your opponent here .. it wasn't exactly 'unfinsihed' at the same time though .. as the close out didn't leave the reader hanging .. the writing was of a good standard IMO with a decent flow and some above average vocab in places .. but ultimately ..

Vote = Atheist .. a better read for me ..

[MC Guttso]

Atheist - Great story substance here. I can appreciate that you are in fact: a storyteller, and you do it well. Your rhyme scheme seems a bit hit and miss. Some sentences flow and are constructed smoothly and expertly. Others are quite stretched and difficult to get into. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. What I did like was the way you effectively convey the "emo"/emotional vibe to the piece - that was cool. And the horrific descriptiveness of the car crash. Favourite lines:
"but the snow caused the slightest lift; the car tumbled
and the broken glass cut her insides to bits. Her heart crumbled
as ruby red liquid fled her eyes and lips in dark puddles"
And a few other lines too of course. But I can't be arsed to write them aalll out..lol. The story was consistently well told.

KDP - Interesting to see you both used the same quote. The first paragraph left me with a good first impression, the rhyming was nice and had a fast flow. And this story was proper good. I also believe it to be an improvement from last time. Real good idea. I liked the imagery portrayed of the apocalypse and how there were survivors to be: "the next era of man" However although pretty creative in its own right, I thought it could have been constructed and developed in further detail.

v - Atheist for a more powerfully delivered story

[.:Pain:.]

Atheist - Great story bro. It had a real down to earth vibe to it which I always dig. I didn't really see what 3 PA was talkin' about, the story seemed pretty straight foward to me, though I've never been one for intricacies (sp?), if you did write with the intention 3 PA says, I really would like you to break it down for me so I know how to connect with you stories in the future. Not saying I didn't with this one, because I definitely did. The way you ended it I thought was great, no fairy tales or nothin', just a girl that lives an incredibly shitty life which never really stops being shitty. I liked how you broke down everything to, you went into the fathers emotions very intimately after the death of the mother, and that was probably my favorite part of the verse. As far as mechanics are concerned, idk, it's hard for me to apply my standard of mechanics to writers like you, because you don't write in rap format. I mean, it flowed smoothely, and the rhyme scheme was pretty good, kinda off sometimes, but on most of the time. However, I don't know how you would perform this to a beat. Great piece of text though, really enjoyed the piece and the linear progression of it.

_KDP_ - Really dope. Honestly, I really didn't see where this was goin' until like 16 lines in, but once the concept became clear, it really drew me in. The only thing I didn't really like was the wording, your wording was reaaally bad in some parts, like

finish tape visualized, but disappears soon as it comes into view.
That’s what it told me, this mystic vision that would come in my snooze,

but when it was also fuckin' sick some parts, like

as we waded through swamp in constant search of higher ground
waters rose as thunderous downpours roared enlightened sounds

I feel like you sacrafice your wording for rhyme scheme sometimes, and ya know what, sometimes it's better just use one rhyme syllable and go with the better wording. That said, your rhyme scheme was pretty fuckin' good. Your flow wasn't as good as I saw the past couple of weeks though, it seemed a lot more stretched this week. I really liked the way it ended, it really brought everything together.

Vote - Atheist, he just wrote the better story and wrote it better. TRY HARDER KDP! You coulda won if you sat down and developed you verse more...