[DF:WK4] Blue Championship: TheReturn vs. .:Pain:. (Vote!)

[TheReturn]

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

TheReturn
Active Worth: 009pts
Vs.
.:Pain:.
Active Worth: 009pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

[.:Pain:.]

Beat - Jane's Addiction - Jane Says (Live)

Poor Jane

As a child, she was sweet, she was cuter than gumdrops,
And every single smile was a beautiful sun spot,
A little tiny girl, barely flesh on her frame,
Now her life burns, staring tense at the flames,
Fueled by the fooled guys she gets with today,
She covered up her beauty with that sexual paint,
Mascara and cover up, glass mirrors, she struggles some,
Cuz she can't ever get her face to become undone,
But if you looked at pictures of her childhood days,
You would see a beautiful little child at play,
So much to do, her movements, a blur,
From paintin' pictures, gainin' wisdom that was suited to her,
But life, had brutally served, a different sight
to her eyes, only music was pure, it was a tool to the earth,
So everytime she would foolishly yearn
to gaze upon the face she donned she would be bluer than surf,
And each of her tears were the size of a small sea,
With each of her fears makin' cryin' default, she
reached, tried to steer, but her eyes would keep falling,
So she screamed, and she veered, still tryin' to call me,
And I can hear her voice in the whispers of breezes,
That kisses my cheeks with their lingering secrets,
But she stayed, insisting on pretense,
Then she layed where she may simply existing to please him,

Poor Jane, every guy played her like a game,
The chess pieces kept secrets, sayings that they gave,
She was baited by the pawn, and he attacked in kind,
So everytime she would try to react, she died,
Poor Jane, every day stays the same,
Every face that she sees is just playin' the game,
Another drink at the bar, another home run hit,
Another performance enhancing drug, a coke/rum binge,

Jane says, I'm not a rag doll,
I'm not that small, I'm just lost, I'm that gone,
And everytime I try, to find my way,
I get another heady guy that likes to play,
And if I steady my, sight today,
I might see who I truly am right away, I gotta life to make,
I got minds to change, people to meet,
I gotta different life to live, I gotta reach for my dreams,
And with that, I hope it gets easy to sleep,
I gotta come up with shit that I need to achieve,

Jane says, I'm just a sweet girl,
Caught up in the wrong kind of lifestyle, travelin' street worlds,
I was nicer, classy, controlled and calm,
Out of college, alcoholic, no goals or job,
With a whole list of problems chainin' these two arms,
I created abuse, with every stain on my futon,
I'm too gone, bombed, and I can't even turn back,
All I ever did was please men with stern grasp,
And now I'm alone, lost in the beer froth,
And now I'm alone, cept this bottle of Smirnoff,

Poor Jane, always stuck outside in the rain,
Cuz of games during her downtime that she played,
All alone, playin' telephone tag,
But no one responds, she should just sell the phone back,
Poor Jane, I think she's gonna cry for today,
For the simple fact that no one's there to wipe it away,
She used up all her love during one night stands,
Now past pictures are distorted from the sunshine's hands...

[TheReturn]

Well dur dur dur.

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[.:Pain:.]

Dern skippy, I been on my shit lately... ALTERNATE btw...

[DF:WK4] Bonnie Bathory vs. Lucifa (Vote!)
[DF:WK4] Lotus vs. SacriFICE (Vote!)
[DF:WK4] Cormier vs. MC Guttso (Vote!)
[DF:WK4] Red Championship: Scatterboxx vs. Got Life? (Vote!)
[DF:WK4] Blue Contendership: Atheist vs. _KDP_ (Vote!)

[TheReturn]

.

My first pick was a scoring machine.
Lightning fast, he was the source of my team,
The main man endorsing my dreams
Of making myself a force in this league.
One point per person robbed, two if he isn't armed
Three points for every time a victim's harmed,
And don't forget the part
Where it's minus two if the pigs are called.
But see what really makes this pick a charm
Is he can be a rapist or a district cop
Depending on how the positions fall.
I also got a good impression from selection two,
A serial killer fresh out of death row's electric booth
After my fourth pick defense attorney
Proved his holding questionable.
Pick three was on the election route,
A corrupt politician who has sex with dudes
And a knack for little boys' erections too.
Just imagine, if he did that even once,
It's four points for the sex,
And two more for every magazine it fronts.
He's definitely my quarterback.
White, over the hill, and of course he acts
Short on cash when he's writing letters for extortin' fags,
Blackmailing, in order to make his fortune fast.
His IQ is through the roof, awareness is great,
His teammates love him 'cause he's sharing his cake.
Also a tax evader,
Staring straight to retirement at thirty eight.
And he avoids the spotlight
To stop any snare that awaits.
My drug lords went in the fifth and sixth rounds,
A point for every tenth ounce,
An extra two per ten pounds,
And minus four for any bust that ever went down.
Seventh I took a crooked cop,
I had Jook on top,
But since he was gone I had to look a lot.
At two points for every shady deal and false lead,
Picking wrong would prove to be costly
So I had to choose awfully careful to not be
Regretting my choice come playoff week.
It's certainly frantic, indeed for Mr. Manager, me
Preparing for week one
Of the Criminal Fantasy League.

.

[Narcotics]

pain...- verse flowed really really well....as i was spittin it a really got into it....so i really dug that.....good skeme...not over crowded with multi's but your basic ab /ab...some mid bars.....i really really really liked the hook...n how you switched it up but for the most part kept the same rymeing words.....story isn't anything new...a girl with no self esteem....but you pulled it off nicely...
With each of her fears makin' cryin' default, she
reached, tried to steer, but her eyes would keep falling,
So she screamed, and she veered, still tryin' to call me,
And I can hear her voice in the whispers of breezes,
That kisses my cheeks with their lingering secrets,,<--favorite bars...

tr - i guess this is unfished or hastened at the end since you had some shitto handle...i can tell you didn't go back over it ..cause some of the lines just didn't make sense and where worded real akward and you forgot to throw words in that needed to be there,,....flow was here and there but like i said the akward wording had something to do with that....it is A great and differant type of idea though.... but could of been alot doper...like pain you had the usual ab/ab...not many mid bars..
He's definitely my quarterback.
White, over the hill, and of course he acts
Short on cash when he's writing letters for extortin' fags,
Blackmailing, in order to make his fortune fast. <-- liked these bars....on some fantasy football shit except its... drafting criminal's..

so in the end tr had the doper idea but pain executed nicer.....
vote -----> pain

[Got Life?]

Pain - as I read this I thought back to several times you've done this kind of approach...not something I can really knock you for because I'm notorious for recycling/playing off similar ideas...but I'd like to see you expand a bit and take a dive into storytelling...I think you'd be a beast if you could master both sides of the spectrum...the flow was really smooth for me and real easy to follow. I also like the way you incorporated the picture and the whole piece was just very relatable and down to earth. As usual your writers voice carried the piece.

TR - this was a really clever concept, unfortunately for whatever reasons (I read the personal reasons you gave and since you're not jook I'll assume they're legitimate) you seemed to miss the mark a bit...the piece didn't allow for enough development for people to understand how the game is played I guess...maybe you should have cut the amount of characters and delved more into the idea a bit...the jook reference was not needed...why would you ever want a scrub like that on your team...anyways...this was enjoyable, but not quite there.

vote = Pain.

[Cormier]

Pain- i liked this a lot. the flow was pretty smooth for the most part and the rhymes weren't overwhelming. i liked the fact that sometimes you just said what you wanted to say even if it wasn't a perfect rhyme. you didn't let the rhyme dictate your word choice, which i like. i must say that i wasn't a big fan of the third stanza. it seemed like the writing dropped a little there and it just didn't mesh or flow with the rest of the piece as much as i would have liked it to. but you piced it back up after that. good use of the topic, although the concept wasn't the most creative. however, the writing and the overall tone you set made this a smooth and enjoyable read.

The Return- dope concept, i must say that. i thought it started off strong, the flow and rhymes were there and i was drawn in and interested. but from the part where you drafted your srug lords on i wasn't really impressed. the writing started to come undone a little and that part of the verse just wasn't nearly as entertaining as the first part. your wording was a little awkward at times, especially in the aforementioned last part. overall, very dope concept, but shaky execution.

VOTE= Pain

[.:Pain:.]

To the top...

[MC Guttso]

Pain - The stroyline was fantastic in my opinion. Really relatable - no I'm not a drunken misguided female that has a low self-esteem and has sex to prove her worth, but you can see this kinda scenario happen everyday and it's a pity when a girl feels unable to show her true power, beauty and potential, it makes me sad...and on that point I feel that as a writer you have the ability to integrate powerful, sophisticated emotion into your verses, which is proper real and spot on. Your flow seems natural in this piece makin it a nice easy read. The rhyme scheme was good, although it could have been improved, coz I found the wording was a tiny bit studdery in places, nevertheless I am not one to talk about rhyme schemes...haha.
Another point is that from what I've read from you, you always seem to keep a similar kind of theme, which you are really good at, and it feels like a case of stick to what you know. But i'd like to see something different, something that shows off your versatility.
BUT I loved this piece.

The Return - This verse was creative and original in its own right. I could appreciate what you did with the picture. The start of it left me with a good impression - point systems of thug and gang warfare - you pulled it off pretty well. As for flow the read was ok, but not as easy as Pain's to follow in my opinion. Although the mechanics were there and satisfactory in most parts. And I was fucking lovin the descriptiveness of all the varying criminals and how they fit into the organisation.

Quite a good match up

v - Pain

[Vern Acular]

pain...

this was one of the best pieces i've read this week, imo this was almost flawless, the rhyme scheme was great and everything came together well, the way it was wrote made for an efortless read....definatly impressed here, the picture at the end was predictable though i kind of didn't see it coming, sorry for the contradiction, but you know what i mean, any way good verse

return...

wow this was different i must say one of the more creative pieces i read in a while, the rhyme scheme and mechanics were on point made for a smooth read, and honestly i couldn't find any flaws except for the fact that everything seemed just thrown in to fit the little twist you gave at the end, the picture played off the verse perfectly though, definatly props on the verse man, good job

overall...


this one is hard for me to vote on cause i liked them both equally and really want to give you both the win but i cant do that now can i so im gonna go for the more complete verse so with that said....VOTE - PAIN

[basic|s|kill]

Pain - The 'cuter than gumdrops' simile at the start kind've lost me, but after that I really liked this piece. Especially towards the end of the first verse. This section was dope:

With each of her fears makin' cryin' default, she
reached, tried to steer, but her eyes would keep falling,
So she screamed, and she veered, still tryin' to call me,
And I can hear her voice in the whispers of breezes,
That kisses my cheeks with their lingering secrets,

^that all flowed together from one bar to next, really nicely.

I also liked the 3rd stanza, when you start using the 'Jane says...' structure. That was real cool. You used real nice imagery to bring 'Jane' to life in this piece. My only problem would be that I didn't particularly see how this piece related to the picture particularly. Besides that it was dope.

TheReturn - This piece rattled off the tongue really well. Short bars, good rhyming and a clear concept. The idea was complimented by the picture really well. I like how you dictate the scoring system as you go - its a funny concept/ I particularly liked this section:

One point per person robbed, two if he isn't armed
Three points for every time a victim's harmed,
And don't forget the part
Where it's minus two if the pigs are called.

^this part helped introduce the reader to the idea early on, but without giving too much away (i.e. so you can still save revealing that its Criminal Fantasy League until the end).


All in all, this battle was interesting. A definite clash of styles. Pain had the more drawn-out imagery constructing a character, while TheReturn had a easy-going style based on an imaginative concept. Overall though, I did feel Pain's verse more. I feel it engaged the reader with the chosen concept slightly better.

Vote=Pain

[Lucifa]

Pain - nice verse as far as the flow and mechanics that you were so eager to prove were there .. although I don't think it's been a negative aspect of your writing .. it's just sometimes you get out-done in that aspect .. this was strong though and the read was very fluid with some good use of inners .. the story was quite interesting and I enjoyed it a fair bit .. good work ..

Ret - this was a cool concept but confused the hell out of me .. lol .. nearly as mind boggling as the RSTL can seem .. you presented the verse decently but the content just wasn't easy enough to follow as far as the points stuff was concerned .. I mean when you did that statistical piece it all made sense and flowed well together but this one just didn't feel tight enough for me .. good idea and decent execution by way of mechanics .. just a little too cluttered and not making the most sense as reading ..

Vote = Pain .. clarity being one issue .. but I do think Pain's content was strong enough to take this one on balance ..

[Scatterboxx]

another dope battle. even doper than the first.

pain killed it, tho, for sure.

pain.
dope verse, brother. one of my faves to date. though i think the flow was a bit rough, the mechanics overall worked. due to the fact it was such a linguistically very enjoyable read with very smooth rhymes, some even very complex, the flow simply didn't matter as i read it. the content was gorgeous... very emotional story with imagery that told it truly. i was hooked. you got inside her mind & wrote the story through her eyes, really. very well done.

return.
dope verse, as well. tho not as dope as pain's, the flow was certainly tighter. it had its rough points, but for the most part worked. it was a very well narrated piece & had some shining areas with imagery & rhymes, but nothing really over the top. especially for you. nothing really "hooked" me to your piece, tho your writing style is literally always enjoyable in its own sense. overall, a very nice verse. you still seem a little inconsistent, but i feel this was one of your stronger verses in awhile. however, it just wasn't as overall dope as pain's & def didn't have the depth of his.

vote- pain.

[Atheist]

Pain:
I thought that this was a wonderfully written piece. The way you described Jane’s problems was vivid and exceptionally done, and I also enjoyed the aspect whereby you included how Jane perceived herself and made excuses for herself. It was a nice touch, and really gave your verse that extra dimension. However, there were some downfalls to the verse; some lines and areas seemed a little forced – the wording was off and seemed to be thrown together in order to connect the rhyme. This aspect needs a slight bit of work as it would give your verses an all-round more polished vibe. Apart from that, however, I thought the concept was great, and the way you described each stage was fantastic.

Favourite lines:
And I can hear her voice in the whispers of breezes,
That kisses my cheeks with their lingering secrets,
But she stayed, insisting on pretense,
Then she layed where she may simply existing to please him,

Poor Jane, every guy played her like a game,
The chess pieces kept secrets, sayings that they gave,
She was baited by the pawn, and he attacked in kind,
So everytime she would try to react, she died,

TheReturn:
It is clear and obvious to say that you have a fantastic way of incorporating great wording with an incredible flow. Those are the hallmarks of a great writer, and you express them brilliantly. However, the topic you chose to write to was undoubtedly difficult, and in the end it was the topic choice that really hindered your verse. That picture would be so hard to write any decent story to, and I therefore think you shot yourself in the foot before you even started writing. The way in which you approached the topic was good, and the idea of the criminal fantasy league was very original, and something that I have never seen before in text, but it’s just the fact that it was such a hard topic to write to that really made your verse almost laborious to read.

Favourite Lines:
One point per person robbed, two if he isn't armed
Three points for every time a victim's harmed,
And don't forget the part
Where it's minus two if the pigs are called.
But see what really makes this pick a charm
Is he can be a rapist or a district cop
Depending on how the positions fall.
I also got a good impression from selection two,
A serial killer fresh out of death row's electric booth


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Vote: Pain.

Both competitors showed great potential and promise, and Pain brought a great piece to the table. TheReturn is clearly an incredible writer with a great writing style. However, I