[DF:WK3] Atheist vs Sound vs RICO (VOTE NOW!)

TheReturn · 07-21-2008, 10:24 AM

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

Atheist
Active Worth: 001pts
Vs.
Sound
Active Worth: 001pts
Vs.
RICO
Active Worth: -04pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

Atheist · 07-21-2008, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Alonzo Harris from Training Day:
King Kong ain't got shit on me. That's right, that's right.
Shit, I don't, fuck. I'm winning anyway, I'm winning...
I'm winning any motherfucking way. I can't lose.

in and alternate.

i'm going to post in about ten minutes.

feel free to post as early as possible as well.

voting links:
1. 3-Planes vs. KDP
2. Prophetional vs. Cormier
3. Saga vs. Jimmy Eles
4. DaAlmightyDolla vs. TheReturn
5. Scatterbox vs. Lucifa
6. Got Life vs. Bonnie Bathory
7. Strike2 vs. Metasin
8. Nom de plume vs. tbone
9. Pain vs. Guttso
10. T.a.C vs. Atreyu

.

Atheist · 07-21-2008, 11:47 AM

She stands in a field, circled by grass blades and loose boulders;
a serene scene. Her soft hair cascades her smooth shoulders
as nearby, hot air from the wing beat of a large swan
cools her breast, dimpling the skin but keeping her heart warm.
She looks at rest, while holding in much more than love,
as those great wings embrace her in a euphoric clutch.

The clouded mist of drowsiness ebbed.
Her eyes were fluttering…
as she became engulfed by a sense of surprise and wonderment.
“Where am I?” she mumbles in tones, sober and meek;
a question we all ask when reality takes over from dreams. (10)
She yawns briefly, warm breath crawling her tight lips.
One hand rubs the sleep,
the other fumbles the wall for a light switch.
She flicks it, and a feeble glimmer began to glow
amidst a sea of darkness that seemed to span the globe.
This was her damp abode;
pitifully poor, cramped and cold.
Far from homely, even the furniture she can’t afford.
Her hands look old, pale hair, figure’s very frail.
But this is what she’s used to…
Happy home?
A fickle fairytale.
So she arises, dejected, her eyes consumed by hurt;
the dream of the swan’s security already eluding her. (20)

Life wasn’t the prettiest, actually it was gritty and tragic;
she constantly felt shitty, abandoned,
weak and consistently vanquished.
But there’s more to it than that; it happened days ago,
an episode that she just can’t forget or let it go.
It was calm, but the door to her home burst suddenly open.
A dark silhouette swayed at the entrance
and with cumbersome motions
began descending the staircase;
his eyes incensed with despair, rage,
and she trembled with each breath from her scared face.

Fight or flight? Her throat tightened as panic elevated,
she stood motionless as he lunged with frantic devastation. (30)
He struck her face, a thump that caused a crunch, a break;
her cheekbone cracked and distorted her crumpled face.
He clutched her waist. She shivered; chest heaving heavily
while he was breathing steadily… and feeling ready, he
struck her again. And with each damaging blow
this mammoth lets go,
her skulls shakes,
her will breaks.
She’s abandoned all hope
as he drunkenly pushes inside her, but his eyes look sober
as he rests his head on her matted hair and smooth shoulders.
And with each sickening thrust, she sheds tears;
“Don’t…” she whispers, but her plea falls on deaf ears. (40)

Now…
this tale ain’t for the faint of heart;
it makes its mark by showing the evils that plague the dark.
It’s a story of lies and the lives we consistently leave hurt,
a story of a man who acts like an insidious creature.
Who would’ve thought
he could destroy those kind and innocent features?
…For this is life through the eyes of Elizabeth Fritzl.

The story of a sister, daughter, and mother left dehumanized;
how disgusting this world must be through that woman’s eyes.

-----------------------------------------------------

Topic: Lovers and demons.
Inspiration: The true life events of Elizabeth Fritzel
and "Leda and the Swan" by W.B. Yeats.

.

Sound · 07-22-2008, 11:03 AM

unforced willpower, at ease i wait
running a tub half fulls my only leap of faith
with a rush of adrenaline that feels so great
and to think, in a moment, i'll seal her fate
mind blown, so lost, in the illest state
as the water gets colder, shrills await
i am a king, thought i held keys to all
at the brink of death, it's knees i fall
arise when i think her souls unleased
which in turn will fulfill me whole, complete
from my mouth, whisper fables, a story i tell
a man with a weakness, but glory prevails
a tempest of pain, simple, and plain
cheating his death, as he emptied his veins
a childhood rugged, a childhood unheard of
as a man, trying to escape what once was
finding a seed, so pretty, so clean
valuable and rare, not many a thing
this seed began growth, he'd thrust upon
relieving himself until lust was gone
this began to surface, such a simple man
with no plan, now he must live again
a tug of war he can no longer stress with
never to believe you can live & let live
i begin to restore back every ounce of will
after telling a story that sounds so real
emerging from ash, a conquered quest
and this is a task i shall conquer next
she's my hunger, pride and joy
a hunger unfed, that i now destroy
a pill so harsh, and now i swallow
as i finish filling the tub.. to drown my sorrow.

- Forever Drowning.

Sound · 07-22-2008, 11:38 AM

votes.

1. [DF:WK3] DaAlmightyDolla vs. TheReturn (VOTE NOW!)

2. [DF:WK3] T.a.C vs. -Atreyu- (VOTE NOW!)

3. [DF:WK3] 3-Planes vs. _KDP_ (VOTE NOW!)

4. [DF:WK3] Strike2 vs. MetaSin (VOTE NOW!)

5. [DF:WK3] .:Pain:. vs. MC Guttso (VOTE NOW!)

RICO · 07-24-2008, 11:03 PM

I open my eyes, only to find everything is black around me,
im sitting in a corner, done praying for the fact that he aint found me,
until i hear the sound, of foot steps on the ground, my hearts pounding,
thats when i knew im discovered,
oh shit its my brother, and i cant beleive that he's found me,
why's he so upset, what did i do, how'd i forget.
i think he thinks i did it. but what? i just want to stop the torment.
so i walk in the door and he continues to follow like a swarm of,
locust through a open field, making every thing torn up,
he's closing in, so i pick up the pace, the look on his face,
is so timid i'll never forget it, but im winning the race.
i duck and dive behind a gate, hoping to escape my only fate,
but my shirt gets caught on the top, im hauled to a stop,
im screaming and squirming i dont wanna be caught.
he's getting closer and closer, my body's getting colder and colder,
still walking steady, but slower like a march of a soldier,
as if he doesnt wanna catch me just make me think that he does
he swings at my mug, but just then i finally rip the shirt that was stuck...
run as fast as i can and got as far away as i could,
catching my breath, and thinking that i was outta harm for good.
my back against the wall, hands on my knees and im calm now,
i turn the corner,
im grabbed by my neck and brother tells me to calm down.
his grasp is so tight, i utter out "freddie whats up"
"calm down, dont do this why dont we make up"
he squeeses tighter, and tighter...and yells "why dont you just wake up"

SO I DID!

........kinda.....nah really rushed..

Lucifa · 07-26-2008, 07:53 AM

..^UP^..

3-Planes · 07-26-2008, 12:24 PM

atheist - what the fuck are you, a depressed teenager? i cold almost hear smashing pumpkins playing in the background to the grossly sentimental pathos you chose to present this in.. wrist-cuttingly shitty.. what saved this piece from being a big sob story without an atmosphere to it, was the decent flow and level of wording you brought to the table here..

sound - crisp, clean and to the point - a piece that built on the imagery of the pic and enhanced it through interesting writing, i like how you shifted the vowel-sound in a multi string and kept the flow going effortlessly.. visually appealing piece that was to the point

rico - decent level of description, but you drag it out a little too long.. flow is pretty horrible (COUNT THE SYLLABLES, i can't stress this enough).. this was a little too generic and bland for it to really wow me, but had you infused it with a metaphor or more symobolicism i think it could've been decent as you captured the mood of that pic pretty well..

vote: Sound

the better piece of writing here - that simple

MC Guttso · 07-26-2008, 04:37 PM

Athiest - The wording to this was excellent I reckon. And the mechanics worked, which made it read nicely. There's something that I didn't like about it, which I can't quite put my finger on. It felt like a spoken worded peice at times...was it meant to be? The use of rhyming seemed awkward at times and didn't read well with me:
e.g. "Far from homely, even the furniture she can't afford,
Her hands look old, pale hair, figures very frial,
But this is what she's used to...
Happy home?
A fickle fairytale"
It worked but was real stretched, however this didn't happen 100% of the time and the read wasn't so bad. My favourite lines were : "Life wasn't the prettiest, actually it was gritty and tragiuc, she constantly felt shitty, abandoned, weak and consistently vanquished" I enjoyed this mainly becuase of the expertise of the rhyming/mechanics in that line which made the flow of that section proper nice, if you know what I mean. As for the content I had to read it a few times to actually get into it. The descriptiveness and imagery was great. The imagery in the 4th paragraph was very powerful. I didn't really connect with the storyline so much, but that is just my subjective opinion. All in all a fairly enjoyable read.

Sound - as I read through your verse, the rhyme scheme and flow of the whole passage appealed to me much more than Athiest's. However I didn't feel you were as explicitly descriptive, which would have given your verse faar greater appeal I reckon. Favourite lines were: "a tempest of pain, simple and plain...cheating his death as he empties his veins" Overall it was an interesting well constructed verse. p.s. no worries dude, hope u had a good birthday!

RICO - My first impression to this piece was that it was reallly awkward and hrad for me to get into, follow and read, possibly because of your word choices which made the flow real bumpy. I really enjoyed how the story unfolded though and how you went on to describe this guy's dream. But the ending just made me go "tut...corny" lol. But at the end of the day that's just my own opinion. Favourite line was: "he's getting closer and closer, my bodies getting colder and colder, still walking steady, but slower like a march of a soldier."

v - Athiest - I felt that you all bought different things to this battle. Sound's rhyming and flow was better I think. RICO's story would have been awesome if it was developed more with better imagery. But Athiest won it for me with far superior descriptives and a better constructed storyline.

Got Life? · 07-26-2008, 07:25 PM

Atheist - the way you described the piece and the imagery you built up was really what won this battle for you...your rhyming and scheme could be tighter and the story could have been more interesting, but I loved the way you wrote this piece and put it together.

Sound - this had the best flow of the 3 pieces, but I felt it missed the needed development to really pull me into the piece enough to grab the win. I feel like if you had put more into this it would have been a really nice piece.

rico - you definitely had the worst verse of the 3, but i've come to expect this from you...awkward wording...sloppy rhyme schemes...half decent flow...why can't you write the way you wrote in the tourney consistently...it boggles my mind.

vote = Atheist.

.:Pain:. · 07-27-2008, 04:11 PM

Athiest - I this piece was pretty cool, you are obviously a little bit rusty though. Your rhyme scheme was good, some of the rhyme words you used were a bit of a stretch though. You flow was fuckin' stretched as hell too, I mean it was a smooth read accapella, but put to it beat and it was mad choppy and it really kinda frustrated me. The story itself was great. Very vivid and easy to follow, your use of imagery was pretty damn good. Woulda liked to have a little more backround on the girl to get the reader more attached. I mean the ending had impact, but I think it could've been executed a little better.

Sound - I didn't really like the flow, I usually go for the shorter bar set up, but I think they were too short. I wish you would switched it up a little bit too, the flow stayed pretty much exactly the same for the entire verse. I also don't think you were desriptive enough, I had a hard time figuring your piece out. I kinda feel like there was a lot of filler in it, and I feel like you can take some of those lines out or re-word them, cuz filler can really take away from a piece. Content was great. Rhyme scheme kinda came and went a lot. Overall a good piece, but I feel like you have room for improvement.

Rico - Wasn't really feelin' this shit. The wording wasn't that good, I also had a problem gettin' into cuz your flow and rhyme scheme were just flat out terrible in places. I also didn't really dig how it ended, shit was kinda corny. I feel like if you write a story with no theme to it, then it should at least be creative, and there was no moral to this story, nor was it all that creative.

Vote - Athiest...

Scatterboxx · 07-27-2008, 06:25 PM

not a bad threeway, tho sound & atheist dominated it.

atheist.
dope. the wording was great, often feeding the rhyme scheme with more complexity & creativity. the multis were rarely forced, in fact, were worded beautifully. the wording itself, in fact, throughout the whole piece was very nice. linguistically & poetically speaking, it was above average, as far as the league as concerned. the story had depth, more than anyone else's in this battle. overall, a great verse, tho at times, it wasn't so stylistically grand as it was at points, such as the intro.

sound.
good verse. best flow in the match, tho the rhyme scheme was nothing special. mainly 3/4 syllable cliche shit. nothing gripped me about the content itself. wasn't conceptually original or creative by any means imo. it was a good verse, & you'll do well in most battles. but it'll take much more than this to climb to the very top, especially against cats such as atheist.

rico.
okay. one of your better pieces, tho i've never thought you were that good. you're improving, which i really like to see & give props to you for that. the story had more "excitement" than any other in this battle, tho nothing really stood out as gripping. & it lacked depth & thorough contextual detail entirely. linguistically & mechanically it was poor, as well. you're getting better tho, so hats off to you for that.

vote- atheist.

Lucifa · 07-27-2008, 08:10 PM

Ath - this was a decent read .. I've used the line count note myself when writing but I'm sure it wasn't too much effort to edit them out when posting the verse itself .. it's nothing major .. but it is a niggle when the count is actually wrong lol .. your (10) was actually (11) and (20) was (25)! .. I dunno how you're counting it as you write but do bare in mind that a line in the rstl is "words/enter" .. the content was decent and I've written a piece similar to it based on a true life story .. overall it was a respectable shake off of rust ..

Sound - this was also a decent read .. the vocab was on the simple side but it was more akin to how I like to use vocab of that nature .. it was simple without being simplistic .. I think the content itself was a bit of a draw back IMO .. it was kinda standard and didn't really spark in to life on any real level to draw me in further than just enjoying the read and then kinda forgetting about it ..

RICO - felt this fell quite short in this 3-way .. I found the story to be quite boring although there were some visual aspects to it that worked during the read .. flow wasn't too good and in the reverse of Sound's crit .. the simple was simplistic .. really lacked a competitive edge here ..

Vote = Atheist > Sound > RICO ..

Saga · 07-27-2008, 08:16 PM

Athiest - I think your drop was the best of the three's mainly because it packed a little of everything the others only had individually, the wording was little poetic and made the emotional part of your story vibe, just a good drop overall and I liked how you used yeats on some smart shit

Sound - this was a cool drop too, I wasnt feeling the word choices as much as ath's and things were told in a pretty straight forward way to where I couldnt slow down an focus on what should of been the strongest part of the verse, the emotion.

Rico - I thought this was a pretty cool how the story sort of kept me wondering what was going to happen. I was interested to continue reading just to try an figure that out.. to say the least i would have liked a stronger finish but it was interesting

1 atheist
2 rico
3 sound

TheReturn · 07-28-2008, 12:13 AM

Atheist beats Sound beats RICO.

Atheist:
3 way win (3 points)
10 valid links (2 points)
Early post (1 point)

6 points for week 3 (6 points overall)

Sound:
3 way second (1 point)
5 valid links (1 point)
Early post (1 point)

3 points for week 3 (3 points overall)

RICO:
3 way loss (-1 point)
No links (-1 point)

-2 points for week 3 (-6 points total)

07-21-2008, 10:24 AM	#1 (permalink)
TheReturn Life of the Party Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Memph-10 Posts: 4,531	[DF:WK3] Atheist vs Sound vs RICO (VOTE NOW!) Welcome to your match-up thread. Click Here For Rules & Regulations Quick Over-View: 12-64 lines to a topic provided in the [TOPICS] thread of the sticky area. Do not post more than 3 times within your own match-up thread. ^No more than once in anyone elses either!^ Stay fresh, no recycling. Opt-In to the "Alternate" scheme before posting a verse. This will increase your chances of obtaining feedback and votes via another opponent. Just check in and state you wish to alternate, should you suffer a no-show. Down To Business. This Match-Up is between: In Rank Order Atheist Active Worth: 001pts Vs. Sound Active Worth: 001pts Vs. RICO Active Worth: -04pts Good Luck Ladies. Prove Your Worth __________________ The Republican Party Since the start of the Iraq war, 7 million Americans have died from ABORTION. [.txt] MASTERS/ the universe Yes, as in the entire universe. Last edited by Lucifa; 07-27-2008 at 05:44 AM. Reason: Early Bird Added For Atheist and Sound

07-21-2008, 11:47 AM	#3 (permalink)
Atheist Storyteller Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 1,700	She stands in a field, circled by grass blades and loose boulders; a serene scene. Her soft hair cascades her smooth shoulders as nearby, hot air from the wing beat of a large swan cools her breast, dimpling the skin but keeping her heart warm. She looks at rest, while holding in much more than love, as those great wings embrace her in a euphoric clutch. The clouded mist of drowsiness ebbed. Her eyes were fluttering… as she became engulfed by a sense of surprise and wonderment. “Where am I?” she mumbles in tones, sober and meek; a question we all ask when reality takes over from dreams. (10) She yawns briefly, warm breath crawling her tight lips. One hand rubs the sleep, the other fumbles the wall for a light switch. She flicks it, and a feeble glimmer began to glow amidst a sea of darkness that seemed to span the globe. This was her damp abode; pitifully poor, cramped and cold. Far from homely, even the furniture she can’t afford. Her hands look old, pale hair, figure’s very frail. But this is what she’s used to… Happy home? A fickle fairytale. So she arises, dejected, her eyes consumed by hurt; the dream of the swan’s security already eluding her. (20) Life wasn’t the prettiest, actually it was gritty and tragic; she constantly felt shitty, abandoned, weak and consistently vanquished. But there’s more to it than that; it happened days ago, an episode that she just can’t forget or let it go. It was calm, but the door to her home burst suddenly open. A dark silhouette swayed at the entrance and with cumbersome motions began descending the staircase; his eyes incensed with despair, rage, and she trembled with each breath from her scared face. Fight or flight? Her throat tightened as panic elevated, she stood motionless as he lunged with frantic devastation. (30) He struck her face, a thump that caused a crunch, a break; her cheekbone cracked and distorted her crumpled face. He clutched her waist. She shivered; chest heaving heavily while he was breathing steadily… and feeling ready, he struck her again. And with each damaging blow this mammoth lets go, her skulls shakes, her will breaks. She’s abandoned all hope as he drunkenly pushes inside her, but his eyes look sober as he rests his head on her matted hair and smooth shoulders. And with each sickening thrust, she sheds tears; “Don’t…” she whispers, but her plea falls on deaf ears. (40) Now… this tale ain’t for the faint of heart; it makes its mark by showing the evils that plague the dark. It’s a story of lies and the lives we consistently leave hurt, a story of a man who acts like an insidious creature. Who would’ve thought he could destroy those kind and innocent features? …For this is life through the eyes of Elizabeth Fritzl. The story of a sister, daughter, and mother left dehumanized; how disgusting this world must be through that woman’s eyes. ----------------------------------------------------- Topic: Lovers and demons. Inspiration: The true life events of Elizabeth Fritzel and "Leda and the Swan" by W.B. Yeats. . Last edited by Atheist; 07-21-2008 at 11:59 AM.

07-22-2008, 11:03 AM	#4 (permalink)
Sound Best Rapper Alive Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: capcity, va. Posts: 63	unforced willpower, at ease i wait running a tub half fulls my only leap of faith with a rush of adrenaline that feels so great and to think, in a moment, i'll seal her fate mind blown, so lost, in the illest state as the water gets colder, shrills await i am a king, thought i held keys to all at the brink of death, it's knees i fall arise when i think her souls unleased which in turn will fulfill me whole, complete from my mouth, whisper fables, a story i tell a man with a weakness, but glory prevails a tempest of pain, simple, and plain cheating his death, as he emptied his veins a childhood rugged, a childhood unheard of as a man, trying to escape what once was finding a seed, so pretty, so clean valuable and rare, not many a thing this seed began growth, he'd thrust upon relieving himself until lust was gone this began to surface, such a simple man with no plan, now he must live again a tug of war he can no longer stress with never to believe you can live & let live i begin to restore back every ounce of will after telling a story that sounds so real emerging from ash, a conquered quest and this is a task i shall conquer next she's my hunger, pride and joy a hunger unfed, that i now destroy a pill so harsh, and now i swallow as i finish filling the tub.. to drown my sorrow. - Forever Drowning. __________________ I am the one.

07-22-2008, 11:38 AM	#5 (permalink)
Sound Best Rapper Alive Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: capcity, va. Posts: 63	votes. 1. [DF:WK3] DaAlmightyDolla vs. TheReturn (VOTE NOW!) 2. [DF:WK3] T.a.C vs. -Atreyu- (VOTE NOW!) 3. [DF:WK3] 3-Planes vs. _KDP_ (VOTE NOW!) 4. [DF:WK3] Strike2 vs. MetaSin (VOTE NOW!) 5. [DF:WK3] .:Pain:. vs. MC Guttso (VOTE NOW!) __________________ I am the one. Last edited by Sound; 07-26-2008 at 03:38 PM.

07-24-2008, 11:03 PM	#6 (permalink)
RICO my daughter right there Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Greatness: Capital R.I.C.O Posts: 4,920	I open my eyes, only to find everything is black around me, im sitting in a corner, done praying for the fact that he aint found me, until i hear the sound, of foot steps on the ground, my hearts pounding, thats when i knew im discovered, oh shit its my brother, and i cant beleive that he's found me, why's he so upset, what did i do, how'd i forget. i think he thinks i did it. but what? i just want to stop the torment. so i walk in the door and he continues to follow like a swarm of, locust through a open field, making every thing torn up, he's closing in, so i pick up the pace, the look on his face, is so timid i'll never forget it, but im winning the race. i duck and dive behind a gate, hoping to escape my only fate, but my shirt gets caught on the top, im hauled to a stop, im screaming and squirming i dont wanna be caught. he's getting closer and closer, my body's getting colder and colder, still walking steady, but slower like a march of a soldier, as if he doesnt wanna catch me just make me think that he does he swings at my mug, but just then i finally rip the shirt that was stuck... run as fast as i can and got as far away as i could, catching my breath, and thinking that i was outta harm for good. my back against the wall, hands on my knees and im calm now, i turn the corner, im grabbed by my neck and brother tells me to calm down. his grasp is so tight, i utter out "freddie whats up" "calm down, dont do this why dont we make up" he squeeses tighter, and tighter...and yells "why dont you just wake up" SO I DID! ........kinda.....nah really rushed.. __________________ WhereMusicGoes "NewTrack" I got the Timbalands in steel toe, Cause rap is a hobby I got a 9 to 5, thats how life goes"-RICO Last edited by RICO; 07-25-2008 at 06:19 PM.

07-26-2008, 07:53 AM	#7 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	..^UP^.. __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running

07-26-2008, 12:24 PM	#8 (permalink)
3-Planes the assman Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: sweden Posts: 517	atheist - what the fuck are you, a depressed teenager? i cold almost hear smashing pumpkins playing in the background to the grossly sentimental pathos you chose to present this in.. wrist-cuttingly shitty.. what saved this piece from being a big sob story without an atmosphere to it, was the decent flow and level of wording you brought to the table here.. sound - crisp, clean and to the point - a piece that built on the imagery of the pic and enhanced it through interesting writing, i like how you shifted the vowel-sound in a multi string and kept the flow going effortlessly.. visually appealing piece that was to the point rico - decent level of description, but you drag it out a little too long.. flow is pretty horrible (COUNT THE SYLLABLES, i can't stress this enough).. this was a little too generic and bland for it to really wow me, but had you infused it with a metaphor or more symobolicism i think it could've been decent as you captured the mood of that pic pretty well.. vote: Sound the better piece of writing here - that simple __________________ Three Planes Aligned

07-26-2008, 04:37 PM	#9 (permalink)
MC Guttso Fingers in Pies Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: England Posts: 173	Athiest - The wording to this was excellent I reckon. And the mechanics worked, which made it read nicely. There's something that I didn't like about it, which I can't quite put my finger on. It felt like a spoken worded peice at times...was it meant to be? The use of rhyming seemed awkward at times and didn't read well with me: e.g. "Far from homely, even the furniture she can't afford, Her hands look old, pale hair, figures very frial, But this is what she's used to... Happy home? A fickle fairytale" It worked but was real stretched, however this didn't happen 100% of the time and the read wasn't so bad. My favourite lines were : "Life wasn't the prettiest, actually it was gritty and tragiuc, she constantly felt shitty, abandoned, weak and consistently vanquished" I enjoyed this mainly becuase of the expertise of the rhyming/mechanics in that line which made the flow of that section proper nice, if you know what I mean. As for the content I had to read it a few times to actually get into it. The descriptiveness and imagery was great. The imagery in the 4th paragraph was very powerful. I didn't really connect with the storyline so much, but that is just my subjective opinion. All in all a fairly enjoyable read. Sound - as I read through your verse, the rhyme scheme and flow of the whole passage appealed to me much more than Athiest's. However I didn't feel you were as explicitly descriptive, which would have given your verse faar greater appeal I reckon. Favourite lines were: "a tempest of pain, simple and plain...cheating his death as he empties his veins" Overall it was an interesting well constructed verse. p.s. no worries dude, hope u had a good birthday! RICO - My first impression to this piece was that it was reallly awkward and hrad for me to get into, follow and read, possibly because of your word choices which made the flow real bumpy. I really enjoyed how the story unfolded though and how you went on to describe this guy's dream. But the ending just made me go "tut...corny" lol. But at the end of the day that's just my own opinion. Favourite line was: "he's getting closer and closer, my bodies getting colder and colder, still walking steady, but slower like a march of a soldier." v - Athiest - I felt that you all bought different things to this battle. Sound's rhyming and flow was better I think. RICO's story would have been awesome if it was developed more with better imagery. But Athiest won it for me with far superior descriptives and a better constructed storyline.

07-27-2008, 04:11 PM	#11 (permalink)
.:Pain:. Right In Your Ass... Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Upstate, NY Posts: 4,617	Athiest - I this piece was pretty cool, you are obviously a little bit rusty though. Your rhyme scheme was good, some of the rhyme words you used were a bit of a stretch though. You flow was fuckin' stretched as hell too, I mean it was a smooth read accapella, but put to it beat and it was mad choppy and it really kinda frustrated me. The story itself was great. Very vivid and easy to follow, your use of imagery was pretty damn good. Woulda liked to have a little more backround on the girl to get the reader more attached. I mean the ending had impact, but I think it could've been executed a little better. Sound - I didn't really like the flow, I usually go for the shorter bar set up, but I think they were too short. I wish you would switched it up a little bit too, the flow stayed pretty much exactly the same for the entire verse. I also don't think you were desriptive enough, I had a hard time figuring your piece out. I kinda feel like there was a lot of filler in it, and I feel like you can take some of those lines out or re-word them, cuz filler can really take away from a piece. Content was great. Rhyme scheme kinda came and went a lot. Overall a good piece, but I feel like you have room for improvement. Rico - Wasn't really feelin' this shit. The wording wasn't that good, I also had a problem gettin' into cuz your flow and rhyme scheme were just flat out terrible in places. I also didn't really dig how it ended, shit was kinda corny. I feel like if you write a story with no theme to it, then it should at least be creative, and there was no moral to this story, nor was it all that creative. Vote - Athiest... __________________ I don't mind, not bein' known, But bein' an example that will only be cloned, I don't mind, bein' myself, Even if it holds me from possible wealth... O.G. Bad Guy Myspace Still Blazin Bitches...

07-27-2008, 06:25 PM	#12 (permalink)
Scatterboxx a.k.a. infinite truth. Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: four one three Posts: 363	not a bad threeway, tho sound & atheist dominated it. atheist. dope. the wording was great, often feeding the rhyme scheme with more complexity & creativity. the multis were rarely forced, in fact, were worded beautifully. the wording itself, in fact, throughout the whole piece was very nice. linguistically & poetically speaking, it was above average, as far as the league as concerned. the story had depth, more than anyone else's in this battle. overall, a great verse, tho at times, it wasn't so stylistically grand as it was at points, such as the intro. sound. good verse. best flow in the match, tho the rhyme scheme was nothing special. mainly 3/4 syllable cliche shit. nothing gripped me about the content itself. wasn't conceptually original or creative by any means imo. it was a good verse, & you'll do well in most battles. but it'll take much more than this to climb to the very top, especially against cats such as atheist. rico. okay. one of your better pieces, tho i've never thought you were that good. you're improving, which i really like to see & give props to you for that. the story had more "excitement" than any other in this battle, tho nothing really stood out as gripping. & it lacked depth & thorough contextual detail entirely. linguistically & mechanically it was poor, as well. you're getting better tho, so hats off to you for that. vote- atheist. __________________ s c a t t e r b o x x ...a.k.a. infinite truth 16-0 rstl debut. 3x rstl champ. 60+ rstl wins. {myspace.} {music.} {instrumentals.}

07-27-2008, 08:10 PM	#13 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	Ath - this was a decent read .. I've used the line count note myself when writing but I'm sure it wasn't too much effort to edit them out when posting the verse itself .. it's nothing major .. but it is a niggle when the count is actually wrong lol .. your (10) was actually (11) and (20) was (25)! .. I dunno how you're counting it as you write but do bare in mind that a line in the rstl is "words/enter" .. the content was decent and I've written a piece similar to it based on a true life story .. overall it was a respectable shake off of rust .. Sound - this was also a decent read .. the vocab was on the simple side but it was more akin to how I like to use vocab of that nature .. it was simple without being simplistic .. I think the content itself was a bit of a draw back IMO .. it was kinda standard and didn't really spark in to life on any real level to draw me in further than just enjoying the read and then kinda forgetting about it .. RICO - felt this fell quite short in this 3-way .. I found the story to be quite boring although there were some visual aspects to it that worked during the read .. flow wasn't too good and in the reverse of Sound's crit .. the simple was simplistic .. really lacked a competitive edge here .. Vote = Atheist > Sound > RICO .. __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running

07-27-2008, 08:16 PM	#14 (permalink)
Saga All Eyes On Me Join Date: Jan 2000 Location: Queens Posts: 2,749	Athiest - I think your drop was the best of the three's mainly because it packed a little of everything the others only had individually, the wording was little poetic and made the emotional part of your story vibe, just a good drop overall and I liked how you used yeats on some smart shit Sound - this was a cool drop too, I wasnt feeling the word choices as much as ath's and things were told in a pretty straight forward way to where I couldnt slow down an focus on what should of been the strongest part of the verse, the emotion. Rico - I thought this was a pretty cool how the story sort of kept me wondering what was going to happen. I was interested to continue reading just to try an figure that out.. to say the least i would have liked a stronger finish but it was interesting 1 atheist 2 rico 3 sound __________________ © The saga continues...