[DF:WK1] 4. Scatterboxx v 11. sfsportsfan (VOTE NOW!)

Lucifa · 07-07-2008, 03:10 AM

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Down To Business.
This Match-Up is between:
In Rank Order

Scatterboxx
Active Worth: 002pts
Vs.
sfsportsfan
Active Worth: 001pts

Good Luck Ladies.
Prove Your Worth

sfsportsfan · 07-08-2008, 01:33 AM

I'm in

Tomorrow I Die

It was like any other day couldn’t tell a difference
It was all the same until that one moment, the incident
That would change my life, since then it hasn’t been the same
Cuz my stomach filled up with this pain, like a flame

It was like any other morning eating breakfast with the fam
When I dropped my fork while eating my ham
I felt short of breath, and every was staring at me
But they carried on their conversation, talking an laughin

They thought it was a joke but I was being serious
Went to the doctor, he had me leaving furious
I was told to come back I needed a blood test
Went home and laid in bed and tried to rest

I took the tests, the results came back grim
Doctor had me stressed I was ready to attack him
When he told me I had cancer an 6 months, my eyes became a faucet
It was the first time in her life my girl had seen me when I lost it

I was about to snap in the office but fuck I gotta be strong
I wrote up a will so everyone knew what I was gonna leave along
To my family, decided to spend some money with the time I had
Apologized to my mom and dad for what I had done bad

Had a barbeque with my parents, kinda like a going away
If only they were knowing what I was knowing today
I didn’t wanna tell them, didn’t wanna make them worry
Theres no reason to tell them yet, theres no hurry

I packed up my SUV and took my kids to Disneyland
Relapsed, went to the hospital cancer spread to my kidney man
6 months turned to 4 months my 2 kids didn’t even know
Prayin to god at night sayin how can I leave them yo

No expense spared I bought them everything
Quit going to work cuz for now on it was my kids I never leave
I spent time so my kids new I loved them
3 months passed, now I could barely hug them

I was bed ridden the last month, lookin back
Theres not a moment in this time I woulda tooken back
The last month I was in and out of the emergency room
Where they had a baby monitor and they heard when I moved

This month has passed now I’m down to my last week
Which sucks cuz I cant do nothing, all day my ass sleeps
I wanna go be with my kids and girl but it just isn’t possible
I swear to god ill become a better person if I pass this obstacle

Im on my death bed the preacher jus read me my last rights
Thinking in my mind this time has passed fast right?
Not sure what to do I can barely even breathe
Or focus my eyes so I can watch the TV screen

All these machines going doctors coming in and out
So frustrated, I gripped my hair and ripped it out
Can barely move got a tube down my throat
At this point I say who wants to live? Cuz I don’t

I think I got a few hours left, I don’t know I’m not a profession
Going crazy in my mind for salvation, like im doin confessional
In my head, trying to hide the thoughts that are runnin in my head
Reflecting back on this fuckin life I’ve lead

I lay in this bed, I cant help but cry
My kids came by, they kept asking why
Yo, I tried so no sorrow, bye
Cuz I already know, Tomorrow I Die

Scatterboxx · 07-08-2008, 05:15 PM

i guess the alternate thing doesn't go for me ha.

i'm here.

i'll prolly post early.

want that early bird special.

Scatterboxx · 07-08-2008, 08:34 PM

{“jagged shards of broken dreams”.}

stilled beneath the sun
we drag cigars & toke on green,
till it hits the lungs
like jagged shards of broken dreams.
moonlight ricochets,
as shadows form…
our blue lives wished away,
we travel torn.
lost, hurting, manic
from the clockwork mechanics,
we rush towards better tomorrows
forever in sorrow.
run, run, run.
run beneath the summer sun.
that cocaine comedown
can be a bit cumbersome.
us drug-lovers run
to the spot,
then hotbox,
then drop the top -
never stopped by cops.
pop it, washed
down by a little bit of vodka,
then broken shards of gold
that taste like licorice & water.
lit & wasted, gone,
we trip our faces off.
peeping the moonlight
as it ricochets across
einstein once said
never stop questioning,
& there ain’t no telling
what a clever pot session brings…

stardust
sparks love;
yet dark lust
is carved, cut
in flesh.
inject.
it’s in. yes…
like insects,
it’s sucks the blood
from my spirit.
quite in stress;
its rush i love.
can you feel it?

[...i’m already hollow inside
& tomorrow i die,
& this bottle – it hides
all of my
swallowed pride…
& so i
seek salvation
inside of this very story told,
for death’s bleak calculation
was made when i sold my soul...]

you see,
this is why we wanderers
discuss politics & anarchy.
why do we do it…?
swallow it & than you’ll see…

topics:
- jagged shards of broken dreams
- head in the clouds
- "the important thing is never to stop questioning."
...albert einstein
- as shadows form
- clockwork mechanics
- tomorrow i die

Mic-illaH · 07-08-2008, 09:00 PM

Sfsportsfan - I really think you need to take some time next time and sit down and write, read it, fix it, experiment. You take no time to develop your piece...you just post as soon as you can. It wasn't a good read for me - almost like a little kid's book. I think you could have dived deeper into the guys thoughts and feelings about having so short to live...and then when it comes down to it, dying tomorrow. You kind of just bounced around...we went to disneyworld, i spent time with my kids, i did this, doctors came.....just very scattered.

Scatterboxx - enjoyable read, different style which was cool. I think you did a good job of explaining this druggee lifestyle..I thought this part of it was great...
[...i’m already hollow inside
& tomorrow i die,
& this bottle – it hides
all of my
swallowed pride…
& so i
seek salvation
inside of this very story told,
for death’s bleak calculation
was made when i sold my soul...]

Pretty cool with your style of writing how simply you could put that lifestyle into words. Impressive. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

Vote - Scatterboxx

Got Life? · 07-08-2008, 09:14 PM

SF - Cancer pieces are played, but when you hit them with the right emotion they can be some of the most emotional and drawing pieces because of the nature of the subject and since just about everyone has had a loved one fight/die from cancer...this on the other hand was absolutely horrible...I hated nearly everything from this piece and I could tell it was just thrown together in a sloppy manner...from the typos, the piss poor mechanics...the horrible rhyming...fam and ham...are you fucking kidding me? your flow was never consistent...I don't know why you broke up every 4 bars...this needed to be scrapped...burned...buried...and completely re-written...if you're going to actually compete in this league, you better get yourself a mentor and get serious, otherwise get the fuck out with this trash...I know 12 y/o's that write better than this.

IT - this was short and sweet and I loved it...the imagery was great and as someone that can relate to a similar lifestyle you hit the nail on the head...there was a lot of clever message behind the short bars...you seem to always pick the right words...other then that it was nothing over the top amazing, but obviously more then enough to knock sf out the water.

vote = IT.

No further explanation needed.

Scatterboxx · 07-08-2008, 11:03 PM

Lucifa · 07-09-2008, 05:32 AM

ok ..

sf - I don't know how much attention you paid to the crit of your verse last week .. I mean .. this was only slighty better by way of a flow .. the lines were more even this time around but it still didn't have a rhythm to the read .. it makes for a bland read and that's what hurts you .. and the vocab and typos just add to that problem .. I found this more interesting to read than last week but it was still not a competitive verse when you consider who your opponent is this week .. keep elevating though ..

Scatt - nice .. flow was real nice and the lines just melted in to each other .. the content was good and I enjoyed the read via both the content and the mechanics of the piece .. I don't quite see 'all' of the topics you claim but regardless .. it is the main heading that I take as the topic it relates to and it was fine on that account .. a solid piece ..

Vote = Scatterboxx .. he'd have had to really not of tried to lose this one tbh .. but he actually came nice with it and stomped sf out of this match-up for me ..

TheReturn · 07-09-2008, 10:20 AM

More of the same...

sfsf - Like others are saying, this was pretty simplistic. You've got the topic idea down, you just need to go more in depth. Don't just tell us you did something, you've got to show us what you did, bring us into the story as readers. For a cancer piece, this really lacked the emotion it could've showed, I wasn't attached to your character at all, didn't feel sorry for him throughout the story, didn't really care when he died, because you didn't build up the emotion the way you could have.

sboxx - Much higher level of writing in this one, flow was good as always. Topic wasn't really anything original, just a drug piece, but definitely had some standout lines. Overall, easily enough to take the win in this one I think. Did what you had to do.

VOTE = Scatterboxx

T.a.C · 07-09-2008, 06:48 PM

I'll edit my votes in here:

[DF:WK1] 3. Lucifa v 12. MetaSin (VOTE NOW!)
[DF:WK1] 1. Got Life? v 14. rocket (VOTE NOW!)
[DF:WK1] 1. DaAlmightyDolla v 14. Calibre (VOTE NOW!)

Lucifa can you change my name from sportsfan to this one for next week please?

Luc - yes

tbone · 07-09-2008, 09:08 PM

T.A.C- Your shyt was cool, just build on your creativity and character. You only do that by listening to what these guys have to say about ya piece. In a state of listening, learn to just do that and be judged. Don't judge back or take a response as bad, take it for what its worth. Good piece though, hope to see more from you.

BoX- I liked ya piece, i liked how you got ya reader involved with the story. Really clever to do, I mean for it to be a short piece. Theres not much i can say, but its was to the point and well written. stay up.

Vote=Box

TR NOTE: Critique must be two full lines in order to count.

3-Planes · 07-10-2008, 07:30 AM

sfsportsfan

this was aiight, nothing exceptional... i mean i've read 3 million cancer/death bed pieces in my short tenure in the world of text and they don't do much for me, i've become desensitized.. mechanically pretty good (i actually read this to a beat and found several sections that would work well with punch ins) but overall the level of wording was pretty mediocre - don't need the big vocabulary for a piece like this but there was not much in the way of imagery and poetic descriptions (which you need all the more)

Scatterboxx

very impactful in relation to length and overall development here, though i kind of like your short to the point syntax i also thought it lead to an instance or two where the flow had a hiccup (perhaps it's your structure though), very descriptive, when i peeped yesterday i thought it was going to be the most constipated labor of creativity ever what with all them topics, but you incorporated the phrases and quotes into a natural rhyme scheming relevant to the topic.. really liked this piece

vote: Scatterboxx

better concept, better handle on language

NOBLE SOLDIER · 07-10-2008, 04:23 PM

sfsf- your peice was straight.. Wasnt anything special.. I just really didnt find myself staying into your verse that much... Im not a really big fan of big vocabulary for no reason, but I am also not a fan of no vocab.. you coulda upp'd your vocab a bit.. Overall it was decent, but not something that I would want to re-read..

Scatterbox- I really liked this.. It flowed really well.. It was structured very nice in my opinion.. Some people may feel it was a little bit "crowded".. But I think you did very well with the different topics.. I enjoyed it..

Vote Scatterbox.. For having a more enjoyable, and more put together verse..

TR NOTE: Critique must be two full lines in order to count.

Chin Kwon · 07-10-2008, 05:45 PM

SF

U the underdog and i always root for the underdog but man this read too much like a bar room anecdote. You have to put more descriptions to really paint a picture in the readers head. The story was was cliche but it's your own.

Scatterboxx

What i like most about this was the flow. That shit was butter. Like other's mentioned before, it was quick and to the point. The swallow the pride concept was used well and there were some very very clever quips in there.

My vote goes to Scatterboxx for a more polished and interesting read.

TR NOTE: Critiques must be two full lines in order to count.

MC Guttso · 07-11-2008, 11:08 AM

Sfsportsfan: Your rhyme scheme wasn't too bad actually. A small improvement from last week in my opinion. I've read some of your battles actually. They're so much better than this, so somehow I'm confused over the sheer simplicity of this verse. Favourite line was: "I spent time so my kids new I loved them, 3 months passed, now I could barely hug them" - captured some emotion for me there. But I feel you hardly put any effort or thought into it at all. What's with: "2 months turned to 4 months, my two kids didn't even know/ Prayin to god at night saying how can I leave them, yo"..I dunno I think he'd be praying more than that. That's just one example of how your wording completely simplified the verse and kind of made it into a comedy, instead of a dark serious piece, which I thought was intended. I think your rhyming and song structure isn't so bad. Maybe focus on your story development, how can you make the reader connect with it more? How can you make a verse thought provoking - memorable - emotional??

Scatterboxx: Big task to take on integrating all those topics together, but you did it somewhat with ease. Not all the topics were touched upon in great detail, however I didn't feel you had to. The short line scheme I think you pull off real well. The whole paragraph from "stardust....to....can you feel it?" was awesome. I personally connected with your verse more than sfsportsfan's/T.a.C. The only thing I didn't like was you used the word ricohcet twice, and now I'm being stupidly picky...lol. I enjoyed all of it. The audio was quality too.

v - Scatterboxx

07-07-2008, 03:10 AM	#1 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	[DF:WK1] 4. Scatterboxx v 11. sfsportsfan (VOTE NOW!) Welcome to your match-up thread. Click Here For Rules & Regulations Quick Over-View: 12-64 lines to a topic provided in the [TOPICS] thread of the sticky area. Do not post more than 3 times within your own match-up thread. ^No more than once in anyone elses either!^ Stay fresh, no recycling. Opt-In to the "Alternate" scheme before posting a verse. This will increase your chances of obtaining feedback and votes via another opponent. Just check in and state you wish to alternate, should you suffer a no-show. Down To Business. This Match-Up is between: In Rank Order Scatterboxx Active Worth: 002pts Vs. sfsportsfan Active Worth: 001pts Good Luck Ladies. Prove Your Worth __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running Last edited by Lucifa; 07-13-2008 at 06:00 PM.

07-08-2008, 08:34 PM	#4 (permalink)
Scatterboxx a.k.a. infinite truth. Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: four one three Posts: 363	"jagged shards of broken dreams". {“jagged shards of broken dreams”.} stilled beneath the sun we drag cigars & toke on green, till it hits the lungs like jagged shards of broken dreams. moonlight ricochets, as shadows form… our blue lives wished away, we travel torn. lost, hurting, manic from the clockwork mechanics, we rush towards better tomorrows forever in sorrow. run, run, run. run beneath the summer sun. that cocaine comedown can be a bit cumbersome. us drug-lovers run to the spot, then hotbox, then drop the top - never stopped by cops. pop it, washed down by a little bit of vodka, then broken shards of gold that taste like licorice & water. lit & wasted, gone, we trip our faces off. peeping the moonlight as it ricochets across einstein once said never stop questioning, & there ain’t no telling what a clever pot session brings… stardust sparks love; yet dark lust is carved, cut in flesh. inject. it’s in. yes… like insects, it’s sucks the blood from my spirit. quite in stress; its rush i love. can you feel it? [...i’m already hollow inside & tomorrow i die, & this bottle – it hides all of my swallowed pride… & so i seek salvation inside of this very story told, for death’s bleak calculation was made when i sold my soul...] you see, this is why we wanderers discuss politics & anarchy. why do we do it…? swallow it & than you’ll see… topics: - jagged shards of broken dreams - head in the clouds - "the important thing is never to stop questioning." ...albert einstein - as shadows form - clockwork mechanics - tomorrow i die __________________ s c a t t e r b o x x ...a.k.a. infinite truth 16-0 rstl debut. 3x rstl champ. 60+ rstl wins. {myspace.} {music.} {instrumentals.}

07-08-2008, 11:03 PM	#7 (permalink)
Scatterboxx a.k.a. infinite truth. Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: four one three Posts: 363	votes "shut ya trap, dukes". ^ the link to the audio track based on my rstl verse. just a rough mix i did tonite. i helped out with the beat quite a bit, but i wasn't the original creator. check it out to cop the flow better. votes: [DF:WK1] 5. 3-Planes v 10. NOBLE SOLDIER (VOTE NOW!) [DF:WK1] 1. Got Life? v 14. rocket (VOTE NOW!) [DF:WK1] 2. .:Pain:. v 13. SpeedyCalhoun (VOTE NOW!) [DF:WK1] 3. Lucifa v 12. MetaSin (VOTE NOW!) [DF:WK1] 2. Vern Acular v 6. Mic-illaH (VOTE NOW!) [DF:WK1] 3. TheReturn v 12. MC Guttso (VOTE NOW!) [DF:WK1] 10. Saga v 13. Bonnie Bathory (VOTE NOW!) [DF:WK1] 1. DaAlmightyDolla v 14. Calibre (VOTE NOW!) [DF:WK1] 4. nom de plume. v 11. _KDP_ (VOTE NOW!) [DF:WK1] 7. Chin Kwon v 8. tbone (VOTE NOW!) __________________ s c a t t e r b o x x ...a.k.a. infinite truth 16-0 rstl debut. 3x rstl champ. 60+ rstl wins. {myspace.} {music.} {instrumentals.} Last edited by Scatterboxx; 07-13-2008 at 06:03 PM.

07-09-2008, 05:32 AM	#8 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	ok .. sf - I don't know how much attention you paid to the crit of your verse last week .. I mean .. this was only slighty better by way of a flow .. the lines were more even this time around but it still didn't have a rhythm to the read .. it makes for a bland read and that's what hurts you .. and the vocab and typos just add to that problem .. I found this more interesting to read than last week but it was still not a competitive verse when you consider who your opponent is this week .. keep elevating though .. Scatt - nice .. flow was real nice and the lines just melted in to each other .. the content was good and I enjoyed the read via both the content and the mechanics of the piece .. I don't quite see 'all' of the topics you claim but regardless .. it is the main heading that I take as the topic it relates to and it was fine on that account .. a solid piece .. Vote = Scatterboxx .. he'd have had to really not of tried to lose this one tbh .. but he actually came nice with it and stomped sf out of this match-up for me .. __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running

07-09-2008, 10:20 AM	#9 (permalink)
TheReturn Life of the Party Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Memph-10 Posts: 4,531	More of the same... sfsf - Like others are saying, this was pretty simplistic. You've got the topic idea down, you just need to go more in depth. Don't just tell us you did something, you've got to show us what you did, bring us into the story as readers. For a cancer piece, this really lacked the emotion it could've showed, I wasn't attached to your character at all, didn't feel sorry for him throughout the story, didn't really care when he died, because you didn't build up the emotion the way you could have. sboxx - Much higher level of writing in this one, flow was good as always. Topic wasn't really anything original, just a drug piece, but definitely had some standout lines. Overall, easily enough to take the win in this one I think. Did what you had to do. VOTE = Scatterboxx __________________ The Republican Party Since the start of the Iraq war, 7 million Americans have died from ABORTION. [.txt] MASTERS/ the universe Yes, as in the entire universe.

07-08-2008, 01:33 AM	#2 (permalink)
sfsportsfan Registered User Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: under your bed Posts: 1,304	I'm in Tomorrow I Die It was like any other day couldn’t tell a difference It was all the same until that one moment, the incident That would change my life, since then it hasn’t been the same Cuz my stomach filled up with this pain, like a flame It was like any other morning eating breakfast with the fam When I dropped my fork while eating my ham I felt short of breath, and every was staring at me But they carried on their conversation, talking an laughin They thought it was a joke but I was being serious Went to the doctor, he had me leaving furious I was told to come back I needed a blood test Went home and laid in bed and tried to rest I took the tests, the results came back grim Doctor had me stressed I was ready to attack him When he told me I had cancer an 6 months, my eyes became a faucet It was the first time in her life my girl had seen me when I lost it I was about to snap in the office but fuck I gotta be strong I wrote up a will so everyone knew what I was gonna leave along To my family, decided to spend some money with the time I had Apologized to my mom and dad for what I had done bad Had a barbeque with my parents, kinda like a going away If only they were knowing what I was knowing today I didn’t wanna tell them, didn’t wanna make them worry Theres no reason to tell them yet, theres no hurry I packed up my SUV and took my kids to Disneyland Relapsed, went to the hospital cancer spread to my kidney man 6 months turned to 4 months my 2 kids didn’t even know Prayin to god at night sayin how can I leave them yo No expense spared I bought them everything Quit going to work cuz for now on it was my kids I never leave I spent time so my kids new I loved them 3 months passed, now I could barely hug them I was bed ridden the last month, lookin back Theres not a moment in this time I woulda tooken back The last month I was in and out of the emergency room Where they had a baby monitor and they heard when I moved This month has passed now I’m down to my last week Which sucks cuz I cant do nothing, all day my ass sleeps I wanna go be with my kids and girl but it just isn’t possible I swear to god ill become a better person if I pass this obstacle Im on my death bed the preacher jus read me my last rights Thinking in my mind this time has passed fast right? Not sure what to do I can barely even breathe Or focus my eyes so I can watch the TV screen All these machines going doctors coming in and out So frustrated, I gripped my hair and ripped it out Can barely move got a tube down my throat At this point I say who wants to live? Cuz I don’t I think I got a few hours left, I don’t know I’m not a profession Going crazy in my mind for salvation, like im doin confessional In my head, trying to hide the thoughts that are runnin in my head Reflecting back on this fuckin life I’ve lead I lay in this bed, I cant help but cry My kids came by, they kept asking why Yo, I tried so no sorrow, bye Cuz I already know, Tomorrow I Die

07-08-2008, 05:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
Scatterboxx a.k.a. infinite truth. Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: four one three Posts: 363	i guess the alternate thing doesn't go for me ha. i'm here. i'll prolly post early. want that early bird special.

07-08-2008, 09:00 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mic-illaH aka paisano Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: New York Posts: 363	Sfsportsfan - I really think you need to take some time next time and sit down and write, read it, fix it, experiment. You take no time to develop your piece...you just post as soon as you can. It wasn't a good read for me - almost like a little kid's book. I think you could have dived deeper into the guys thoughts and feelings about having so short to live...and then when it comes down to it, dying tomorrow. You kind of just bounced around...we went to disneyworld, i spent time with my kids, i did this, doctors came.....just very scattered. Scatterboxx - enjoyable read, different style which was cool. I think you did a good job of explaining this druggee lifestyle..I thought this part of it was great... [...i’m already hollow inside & tomorrow i die, & this bottle – it hides all of my swallowed pride… & so i seek salvation inside of this very story told, for death’s bleak calculation was made when i sold my soul...] Pretty cool with your style of writing how simply you could put that lifestyle into words. Impressive. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Vote - Scatterboxx

07-09-2008, 09:08 PM	#11 (permalink)
tbone Gift Of Gab Join Date: Feb 2000 Location: BADNEWS VA MOTHA FUCKAZ Posts: 3,219	T.A.C- Your shyt was cool, just build on your creativity and character. You only do that by listening to what these guys have to say about ya piece. In a state of listening, learn to just do that and be judged. Don't judge back or take a response as bad, take it for what its worth. Good piece though, hope to see more from you. BoX- I liked ya piece, i liked how you got ya reader involved with the story. Really clever to do, I mean for it to be a short piece. Theres not much i can say, but its was to the point and well written. stay up. Vote=Box TR NOTE: Critique must be two full lines in order to count. __________________ *********aut inveniam viam aut faciam****** **********BLACKWOOL************ *****HIDDEN SKILLZ******* Last edited by TheReturn; 07-10-2008 at 07:40 PM.

07-10-2008, 07:30 AM	#12 (permalink)
3-Planes the assman Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: sweden Posts: 517	sfsportsfan this was aiight, nothing exceptional... i mean i've read 3 million cancer/death bed pieces in my short tenure in the world of text and they don't do much for me, i've become desensitized.. mechanically pretty good (i actually read this to a beat and found several sections that would work well with punch ins) but overall the level of wording was pretty mediocre - don't need the big vocabulary for a piece like this but there was not much in the way of imagery and poetic descriptions (which you need all the more) Scatterboxx very impactful in relation to length and overall development here, though i kind of like your short to the point syntax i also thought it lead to an instance or two where the flow had a hiccup (perhaps it's your structure though), very descriptive, when i peeped yesterday i thought it was going to be the most constipated labor of creativity ever what with all them topics, but you incorporated the phrases and quotes into a natural rhyme scheming relevant to the topic.. really liked this piece vote: Scatterboxx better concept, better handle on language __________________ Three Planes Aligned

07-10-2008, 04:23 PM	#13 (permalink)
NOBLE SOLDIER Join Date: Jan 2000 Location: Ky Posts: 5,570	sfsf- your peice was straight.. Wasnt anything special.. I just really didnt find myself staying into your verse that much... Im not a really big fan of big vocabulary for no reason, but I am also not a fan of no vocab.. you coulda upp'd your vocab a bit.. Overall it was decent, but not something that I would want to re-read.. Scatterbox- I really liked this.. It flowed really well.. It was structured very nice in my opinion.. Some people may feel it was a little bit "crowded".. But I think you did very well with the different topics.. I enjoyed it.. Vote Scatterbox.. For having a more enjoyable, and more put together verse.. TR NOTE: Critique must be two full lines in order to count. __________________ UNDEFINED BlackIrish IBeastU "Yes, I Have Hater's" *Mixed Martial Arts Forum.. Check It Out!!!* Last edited by TheReturn; 07-10-2008 at 07:39 PM.

07-10-2008, 05:45 PM	#14 (permalink)
Chin Kwon The Angkorian Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 635	SF U the underdog and i always root for the underdog but man this read too much like a bar room anecdote. You have to put more descriptions to really paint a picture in the readers head. The story was was cliche but it's your own. Scatterboxx What i like most about this was the flow. That shit was butter. Like other's mentioned before, it was quick and to the point. The swallow the pride concept was used well and there were some very very clever quips in there. My vote goes to Scatterboxx for a more polished and interesting read. TR NOTE: Critiques must be two full lines in order to count. __________________ Dark Image Chin Kwon - Ace The Prophet Last edited by TheReturn; 07-10-2008 at 07:40 PM.

07-11-2008, 11:08 AM	#15 (permalink)
MC Guttso Fingers in Pies Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: England Posts: 173	Sfsportsfan: Your rhyme scheme wasn't too bad actually. A small improvement from last week in my opinion. I've read some of your battles actually. They're so much better than this, so somehow I'm confused over the sheer simplicity of this verse. Favourite line was: "I spent time so my kids new I loved them, 3 months passed, now I could barely hug them" - captured some emotion for me there. But I feel you hardly put any effort or thought into it at all. What's with: "2 months turned to 4 months, my two kids didn't even know/ Prayin to god at night saying how can I leave them, yo"..I dunno I think he'd be praying more than that. That's just one example of how your wording completely simplified the verse and kind of made it into a comedy, instead of a dark serious piece, which I thought was intended. I think your rhyming and song structure isn't so bad. Maybe focus on your story development, how can you make the reader connect with it more? How can you make a verse thought provoking - memorable - emotional?? Scatterboxx: Big task to take on integrating all those topics together, but you did it somewhat with ease. Not all the topics were touched upon in great detail, however I didn't feel you had to. The short line scheme I think you pull off real well. The whole paragraph from "stardust....to....can you feel it?" was awesome. I personally connected with your verse more than sfsportsfan's/T.a.C. The only thing I didn't like was you used the word ricohcet twice, and now I'm being stupidly picky...lol. I enjoyed all of it. The audio was quality too. v - Scatterboxx