[S3W3] Mic-illaH (1-1) vs. sfsportsfan (0-0) (VOTE NOW!)

[TheReturn]

Verses Due by Thursday @ 11:59pm EST
Votes Due by Sunday @ 11:59pm EST

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Don't forget you must declare "Alternate" to be given an opponent in case of a no-show.

[sfsportsfan]

Topic: You just got caught fucking your bosses wife.




about 7 in the morning is when my day will begin/
im struck dumb by the sun thinkin whos bad am i in?/
i look around nothing is where its supposed to be/
but i got this girl i dont know laying close to me/
i see a lump in the bed whos that underneath the sheet/
where did i go last night who the fuck did i meet?/
got my wife at home prolly pissed i havent been home/
fuck i better go find my cell phone/
i dial my wifes number but no one picks up/
all i remember about last night is i got my dick sucked/
i wake the girl up next to me with a kiss on the cheek/
then i see her face and dont believe what i see/
its my bosses girl, i think im gonna hurl/
i think i weigh less than my boss can curl/
and he gonna hurt me if he finds out whats been goin down/
plus my career will be gone, so yeah im trippin out now/
i go to slide my pants on a voice says "dont leave so soon/
you forgot breakfast, your wife wont be expecting you until noon"/
i say "did you tell her, mr. smith im so sorry, i dont know what happened/
he said "boy you should quit your job and move into actin/
look at the sheets at your mistress from last night"/
i do as he says cuz im about to pass out from fright/
i lift the sheet and see his wife, with a knife in her right side/
im about to lose my mind is this fate soon to be mine?/
i make a break for it in my boxers, taking time to grab my keys/
kicked down the front door holy fuck i am free/
i drive home, walk in the door to see my wife there/
with no top and some skimpy ass underwear/
she walked up to me and said "baby where have you been at"/
i cant answer still scared, she pokes me and says "you just missed matt/
you know matt smith? your boss im like shit i jump up and scream bitch/
where are the kids tell me right now what you 2 did/
he said he caught you in bed with his wife, suddenly her mood becomes mad/
i say "baby im so sorry im so sad but just be glad im alive", she said "i am just a tad/
but the other half of me wants you to never come back/
last night was our anniversary of course you forgot that"/
i said "baby im sorry" she said "fuck that" all of a sudden/
an arm grabs me, im dyin like the career of joe budden/
i turn around with my last bit of strength and with my last breath/
i say "i guess i deserve this painful death"/
and i fall to the ground everything goes blurry/
they eventually called 911 but they were in no hurry/

[Mic-illaH]

[S3W3] rocket (0-1) vs. Lucifa (22-9) (VOTE NOW!)
[S3W3] Got Life? (0-0) vs. Infinite Truth (0-0) (VOTE NOW!)
[S3W3] .:Pain:. (3-0) vs. nom de plume. (8-4) (VOTE NOW!)
here/alternate

[Mic-illaH]

"Silent Screams"


Just left the poker game, which wasn't strange in the winter
I took home the pot by catching a straight on the river
Exhausted, the excitement of hold em left me lethargic
Eyelids strugglin to stay open basically makin me carsick
Rolled down the windows to start with, turn up the music
But my mind and body wanted sweet dreams for amusement
I Started to lose it, it felt like my mind was broken
It Took so much energy to keep my heavy eyelids pried open
Exhaustion beat will power, now I'm facin the facts
That all control is literally gone as I faded to black
Those seconds seemed like hours, but a sound so shreek
Instantly awoken me as I my car wrapped around a tree...

Broken glass, the smell of gas - car is in monstrous shape
The sound of sirens amazingly brought me to a concious state
Felt like my eyes were open as my ears were tuned to sirens
But blackness was my palat, are they open or is it my eyelids?
Fear instantly took over, which probably sedated the pain
With countless scenarious of what happened pacing my brain
Am I blind, paralyzed, dead? I Might end up in a test tube
But the sound of footsteps were paramedics to the rescue
They asked me to speak to see if I was conscious on the onset
So I immediately let out a yelp, now enough with the nonsense
Then a long silent pause, until I heard one say “Unresponsive!”
Didn’t he hear me scream? Man I’m shocking and numb
This time I let out a scream, from the top of my lungs
I’m right here, I’m fine!! I said scared with a positive laugh
“This kid hasn’t moved an inch…he needs a hospital fast!!”
Is this a joke? I just said I’m ok - just a little shaken up!!!!
Next thing I knew, I could hear them loading me in the vacant truck
Sirens blasting, a speeding ambulance with beeping devices
“I can’t find any injuries, don’t understand why this kid is lifeless”
I tried to wave my arms and kick my feet, with a meaningful focus
Screamed as loud as I could – but nobody seemed to notice!!!
I don’t understand, hours ago I was good and laughin
As I strained my brain….I finally understood what happened...

Comprehending this was absolutely terrifying, a divisive pain
I had an active brain that is trapped inside a lifeless frame
I’m held hostage by my own body, my defense is steering
But how do I communicate, only left with a sense of hearing
On the inside I was screaming, but I had a loss of focus
Paranoia developed as I became increasingly claustrophobic
This skeleton had me trapped, will I be defected forever?
So frustrating when your mind and body aren’t connected together!
Doctors spoke to my parents, I heard “death is probable”
Killed me to hear my mother, weeping next to me in the hospital
“Mom, talk to me, I can hear you….give me a hug!!!!!!!!”
I lost most of my senses, but I would never lose my love
Dying to just be able to speak, to tell my mom I love her
But I’m poundin on the walls of my skull, beginning to suffer
Tortured by merely thoughts, but how could I bother
I heard the sound of a kiss and the words “I love you” from my father
“I love you too Dad” I yelled…..from this unsettling dimension
Knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to get their attention!
My mother was hysterical, she was hurting deep inside
Heard doctors speaking how…’’life support is keeping him alive’’
The sounds of tears were present as my mom said ‘’one last hug’’
I screamed “Last?!?!” in my prison….”Please, don’t pull the plug”
But as I heard strange noises and mumbles, just sitting right there
My mind came to ease because death would end this living nightmare
My silent screams subdued, my skull now had room to grow
As I took some time to say goodbye to this life I used to know

[Lucifa]

no-show win .. will look for alternate now ..

Alternated - E Tha Real (No-Show) with sfsportsfan < from Calibre (Recycled) match-up ..

[MC Guttso]

Mic-IllaH: I liked the content of yours more, described this guy's terror effectively. I liked the ending of it, a good conclusion to the piece. This shit does happen, body paralysed vs mind active. Ever see the film Awake? Stars Jessica Alba: so bonus. Rhyme scheme was ok, and content was well put together.

sfsportsfan: Your rhyme scheme was on par with Mic-IllaH's, the content was alright, but I just felt it lacked that little bit of originality. I'm sure you can muster some stronger passion and creativity in your pieces and look forward to hearing you again soon.

vote Mic-illah's for a more original piece.

[Chin Kwon]

SF

a short fiction about boning the boss's wife. Could be a fantasy to many but you fail to make it one. Ur style was very plain and the direction of it was very dry. I told u once on the open mic about depth and stuff and i want to reflect that back here. Despite the character and the tone u were aiming for, the delivery nullified ur effort. The majority of RSTL'ers are story tellers and you are definitely one of those...you just need to tighten up the loose end. A for effort.


Mic-Illah

LOL, this was definitely not an original idea but i guess everyone have to dive into the death stuff at least once in their topical career lol. *Even tho i vow not to!* With that said, this was a pretty nice story. Flow was superior to ur opponent. Ur execution was just enough to outshine sf.


vote=Mic-Illah. This was a case of Mic having a better grasp on narrative basics. But SF has marked himself as a story teller so i look forward to seeing you elevate, man. good luck next week fellas.

[Infinite Truth]

sf... uh. i don't know what i can really say positively about your piece. sorry, homie. flow was horrendous. linguistics were elementary. rhymes were poor. i'll give it to you tho you had some multis in there. but... not original multis by any means. story was cliche. ending was unoriginal. i dunno man. i'm glad to see a new competitor in the rstl, as i'm assuming you are. so keep at it. read some of the better pieces this week & get some inspiration & learn from 'em. stay up.

mic... okay. unoriginal story. nice multis that never seem forced & the flow was smoother than most cats. linguistics weren't anything special, but certainly stronger than sf's. the ending was cliche as fuck tho. your mechanics are above average, but your story was weak. topicals... you 'd kill it. i can see you as one of them cats. i usually stick to topicals, as those are my stronger pieces. anyways... pretty decent piece. but nothing special by any means.

vote- mic-illah.

[rocket]

sf - well you had a good concept told rather badly your story just doesnt resonate with the reader. you left out too much and overexplained unecessary parts.

mic - good story told pretty well the first part however was kinda disjointed you skipped too many details but after that it picked up and the story turned out pretty good.

vote mic better story

[sfsportsfan]

votes

http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...1#post15869311
http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...1#post15869331
http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...1#post15869353
http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...5#post15874025
http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...1#post15874081

[Lucifa]

i said "baby im sorry" she said "fuck that" all of a sudden/
an arm grabs me, im dyin like the career of joe budden/

lol ..

sf - I really hope you can stick this out better than Dougie G managed .. cos you're gonna get flames from kids like GL? who target the weak writers on some ebully ego .. Dougie let him get to him .. but if you want to elevate your writing you need to pay more mind to the crit you get and maybe look for a mentor in the dojo or something .. cos you need to tighten your mechanics quite a bit .. this read like a mundane spoken word poem at some cafe with an audience of 3 .. if I was to offer some advice here .. it'd be to focus on your syllable count next week .. try and keep a consistent 12 syllables per line .. the vocab can be worked on later .. but you need to get your pieces flowing ..

Mic - I enjoyed this .. but probably more because I read it after reading the verse above which was quite a chore .. I think you did a fine job with the concept and described the story well enough to put me there .. I do feel although not a terrible flow by any means that the lines and the whole piece in general felt stretched and lengthy .. it was like a big footprinted stamp on sf's defeat ..

Vote = Mic-illaH .. everything about it was better ..

sfsf : you need a mentor or to find a writer you enjoy reading and look at why .. then use them to influence your progression in writing ..

[Got Life?]

SF - this was a chore to read and I barely got through it...you need to work on a lot of things to really expand your writing and to make yourself a solid competitor, but I think you know that after reading some of the other battles this week. The reason why this isn't a total waste is the idea was decent, you just have to learn how to present and deliver it.

Mic - night and day compared to SF...I think you could tigthen up the flow, but the multies were pretty nice, vocab was solid, the only thing this piece really lacked was a more elaborate idea behind it...the whole outer body experience gets covered a lot especially with death and car accidents...i wish you would have delved into this differently...maybe a gasp of air to scream stop, but no one was paying attention..i unno...something to give this a more multi-faceted approach to give it some life.

vote = Mic.