[S3:WK1] nom de plume. 7-3 vs TheReturn 11-3 (VOTE NOW!)

[Lucifa]

Verses are due before Thursday 11:59pm EST

It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations.

Click Here For Rules

All competitors MUST vote on the [Semi-Final] battles or face vote deductions.

[TheReturn]

"Let's Do Battle" sounds homo to me.

I may have to wax poetic on you to counter balance your strength.

1 *FF* [Semi-Final] Got Life? vs Vada (VOTE NOW!)
2 *FF* [Semi-Final] Eye-Rime vs nah son (VOTE NOW!)
3 [S3:WK1] Cereal_Killer 8-3 vs Ace The Prophet 0-0 (VOTE NOW!)
4 [S3:WK1] Infinite Truth 8-2 vs Chin Kwon 0-0 (VOTE NOW!)
5


EDIT:
You wanting food after? son you may need to think it through,
Cuz I didn't bring a basket
But it'll still SEEM like a picnic the way my talent will blanket you.

[nom de plume.]

i don't have a witticism prepared =(.
we're still having a picnic after right?

if it is due am.
can i get an extension to pm?

[TheReturn]

.

Monday.
A blank canvas...
Skies painted on a black ceiling
In perfect strokes by a masked being
He's had it with speaking,
So he reaches the masses
Through the gravity of his graffiti'ing.

Tuesday.
A light source...
Throughout the night's course,
The horizon is born,
Oceans come to life with a slight force
And the artist calls it a night,
Eager to return to his work
When there's time for it.

Wednesday.
A land mass...
Islands spray from the can he has,
Sweaty from his hand's grasp.
With quick strokes, he paints
The beauty where the sand's at
And fans in the grass.
Eyeing the scene, he stands back
Admiring the life that he breathed
On this canvas.

Thursday.
A starry night...
Such a beauty in these paltry times.
With a dab of his brush,
He halts the eyes
Of the onlookers walking by,
Causing them to stop...
And pause just to watch this guy
Hanging stars in his awesome sky
With simple strokes
Before he calls it a night.

Friday.
A breath of life...
The artist is at his best tonight,
Capturing the motions
Of seagulls caught in a test of flight
Toward a Western light
That shines in the depths of night.

Saturday.
A people's dream...
Cities created in an evening breeze.
And for all the futures he can see
Of his painted people,
He sees they live at ease.
So the artist leaves it be,
For it's through his graffiti'ing
That he freely speaks,
And steps back,
As life goes on
Within his completed scene.

Sunday.
The artist rests...

.

[nom de plume.]

I watched
An Indian summer
In her Gypsy eyes.

She said she’d never kiss a soldier with a gun in his hand
He said he’d never kiss a woman whose hurt he could stand
He never spoke a sermon as planned, turned and he ran
As turn coat, burned hope, ashamed of this land

He kept his back to the wall
On every day of this war
On every prayer he swore
That although duty would call
He’d keep the promise he made
Saw her sobbing in shame
Saw her dropping his name
In every conversation the same
That he was born to break her
Tears ruin letters that were meant to save her
He was more than a temporary saviour
With brave words
He always kept her poem to hand
Sealed in the envelope
It stayed unopened as planned

She said she’d never love a man who would die in a war
He said he’d never love a woman who could describe what she saw
He was tired and fought to the best he can
Closed eyes, don’t cry, he showed the best of man

She kept her face to the glass
Wished on every day that would pass
Kept his picture in her mind
Where she knew it would last
Chewing over memories
Which clung to the sky as sweet melody
Left a butterfly bruise on her past
She was losing it fast
Assuming a mask of hate and lust
Time would tell if they were brave enough
She spoke with a shamans touch
And held prayers to the sky
When the days erupt

She said she’d never touch a man who died in a field of poppies
He said he’d never touch a woman who shied of robbery
They say that time is costly and the guns ring true
She said, when you come home, bring the sun with you

He turned his back as the guns rang true
He stepped from the trenches
With a rum brave view
Knowing that some days truth
Would leave her in his arms again
She’d never had a thing for army men
But the conscription kicked in
It made her think sick things
About what he might do, so she scripted
A letter of sorts, poetry prose
But what she wrote inside
Only he’d know
Till the day he got home and gave it back
To the woman he loved with tears in his eyes
And the words that she wrote, traced in ash
Read sincerely in a basic poem
That if he arrived home without a death on his hands
Then she’d take him home

She took him home

He’d made it home

"I know of only one duty, and that is to love." (Albert Camus)

[Lucifa]

top side ..

[Lucifa]

hmmm ..

Ret - wasn't a fan of this mate .. I think the daily split could certainly work but the short stanzas weren't really giving enough in each to really make it a competitive verse .. I know you were going for a "poetry" piece but I don't think the wording was creative or advanced enough in this to make it a shining example of making poetics work in this league (as IT and nom do) .. left this wide open for the taking and left me a little disappointed in the quality .. appreciate what you tried to do but I much prefer your own style to this ..

nom - in reverse to TR's crit .. this is how to work poetry in to this league .. I was pretty impressed with some of the lines dotted throughout the verse .. some nice snappy work on conveying the conflict of war and love .. the vocab in the rhyming was pretty standard stuff and the flow seemed to make way for how you wanted to present the wording .. if you could have worked this around more solid 'open mic' mechanics I think it would have been "dope" .. as it is it is a nice drop and a good showing for the poetry heads ..

Vote = nom de plume. .. I ain't taking no shit for voting nom in this one .. for me he is the clear winner .. but that is down to Return IMO .. I actually predicted a TR win but he went against the grain and tried to play in the poetry tree without really getting beyond the roots .. leaving nom to almost overwhelmingly out-shine him ..

[Chin Kwon]

Nom de plume

pretty cool piece. But some of the lines didn't make sense to me. Granted this was obviously influenced more by poetic property, however, lines like:

He said he’d never love a woman who could describe what she saw

He said he’d never touch a woman who shied of robbery

had me shaking my head. I understand where the woman was coming from but these odd lines made by the guy made no sense to me. Why wouldn't he love a woman who could describe what she saw? But beside those minor glitches, this was really a great piece. Well presented and constructed.



The Return

I've read many of ur work and this was definitely worthy of mention. An uncoventional take on the "Creation" theory, i was really diggin this. But the stanzas were kinda short, i wish you would attempt to dig into the mind of "The Creator" a bit more instead of just describing what he did. That was the only complaint i had. Other than that, you've painted quite a nice picture here(pun intended).


This battle really boils down to what you look for, as a reader. I can honestly say that i'm not a huge fan of abstract writing so my vote will go to The Return. And another thing about NDP piece, that i didn't get a chance to state earlier, was that it was a bit corny. I understand that u were trying to bring out the romantic quality to contrast the war aspect of the piece....but...it just didn't work with me for some reason.

Vote=The Return

[Got Life?]

TR - I definitely have to give you a lot of props for creativity...making God into a graf head and hit painting the world like this was quite clever...I would have liked to see a little more mention of some clever way he airbrushed something and would have liked to see this go into more detail on some levels, though I think as a piece you did it justice.

Nom - first thing before I get into this piece...what were you thinking with this bar:

He was tired and fought to the best he can...everything in this piece is written in one tense and then this was just off, forced in there to rhyme with the line that followed...anyways...not much that I felt off within this piece, though I think the ending was lackluster...I enjoyed the build up and I liked the way you broke it up, but I feel towards the end you ran out of steam.

To me when I look at both of these pieces it's kind of hard to pick which to vote for. The creativity definitely goes to TR. The emotion definitely goes to Nom. The imagery is slightly in favor of TR, but very slight, same with the flow. The actually enjoyment preference is slightly in Nom's corner.

What it comes down to for me is that TR went out of the box and gave me something refreshing to read, while Nom appealed to his usual style presenting me with a slightly different scenario, but with the same basic concept of a man and a woman in love, with some kind of struggle between them and at the end of the day I feel I have to reward TR for his innovative piece, rather than Nom for rehashing something far to familiar.

Vote = TR.

This could easily go either way and was the closest battle I read this week so far.

[Ace the Prophet]

TR- I'm really diggin this piece man. Not usually a big fan of poetic pieces but this was brought together really nicely by you. The wednesday stanza was my favorite of the days. It all flowed about perfectly to me and I really enjoyed the read, though I feel if the stanzas were a bit longer you could've done more with this piece as I feel that it only covered a brief amount of things that God did to create the world. Still definitely feelin this

NDP- Dope piece as well. I was feelin it more the 2nd time I read it as the first impression didn't do as well for me as TR's piece did. Still, your piece flowed very well and had great imagery. I think some of your wording was a little off in this piece though, specifically the lines "Chewing over memories" and "Rum brave view". Never really heard either of those expressions before and so those kinda threw me off a little. Otherwise I loved this piece. It got stronger as it progressed which is a good quality in a piece.

As for my final vote....TR. Though I was diggin both pieces a lot. TR's seemed to keep me interested more. It was unique to me and stood out more than NDP's piece. Still a very close battle though and props to both TR and NDP. Keep it up

[Cereal_Killer]

tr:
Beautiful structure with colorful and poetic wording. Luc wrote a piece some what like this awhile back but thats the only downfall, saying that though your piece is written allot smoother. Nice mechanics with a well developed rhyme scheme.. All up top piece dude

nom:
hey man nice metaphors that butterfly bruise was my favorite.. The story developed well it felt a lil hurried at the end but still nice wrap up.. Ima fan of the three line intro and the opening bars for each stanza.. A very strong verse dude

vote = nom de plume

it came down to preference for me i lent more towards the original story then the well structure piece both great pieces though dudes.. gl

[.:Pain:.]

TR - Your concept was dope. God as a grafitti artist was really pulled off well, and while it was an obvious route to follow for your topic, I think it was still creative nonetheless. I have a few gripes with your piece though. For one, you mechanics weren't as good as they usually are. I mean, your flow was pretty good, but the lines were too short in parts for a valid rap flow, and your scheme was pretty good, but sometimes felt awkward and weighted. Pretty much, it just wasn't what I expected from you. I also thought you could've gone into much more detail. Your writers voice was dope, but some of the stanzas felt empty, and knowing your style, I know you could've added more detail, more emotion, or more imagery to captivate the voter. Overall a good verse, but subpar compared to what I've come to expect.

NDP - Nice story. It had a good flow to it, not mechanically wise, just it was easy to keep reading. I would've liked to see a better flow however. Rhyme scheme was pretty intricate, but it seemed like in some spots you were forcing the intricacy. Wording was good, very poetic. Something about this story just didn't grab me though. It was well written, idk, it just feels like I've read this story a thousand times over, and I'm cool with doing old concepts, but I feel like you didn't really bring anything new to the old concept. Like I said, well written, good imagery, GREAT writers voice, but the lack of mechanics and the lack of personal insight I feel made it a drag to read.

Vote - The Return...

[vada]

the return...

short and sweet....the way you formatted makes it look longer than it is, but this was nice....i like the way you took the picture of everyday life and created an image as the days progressed throughout your piece....the picture at the end made it what it was though....without that picture i may have actually said i didn't like this but it was borderline and then bam the picture brought it all together, but that's the mystique of waiting til the end...not like a movie you watch and just know it sucks regardless of the ending...that's why i like reading more, although movies are cool to watch but me being a reader i like to paint the image myself, with that said good, but not great

NDP...

well...i'm kind of confused...i understand the whole idea and the direction you took with this, but i guess i'm confused because i really didn't get it, maybe it's me, but was there a twist or did i miss something if not then basically the verse was bland too me, although poetic it could've been written better, more imagery would've added depth, and just a touch of character development, from what i understood it's just a basic love and war story where the man's @ war, the woman is depressed with the thoughts he may not make it home and gets mad because he's at war but then forgives him when he gets back, in other words, this wasn't that creative, it wasn't a bad verse, it just wasn't my cup of tea

overall...

although i feel this is close based on the fact that i feel TR's verse in a way was incomplete, and then nom's was just a basic verse of cliched everyday life...it's hard to make my decision, but i am going to go with THE RETURN, just felt more satisfied with his verse

[Quriosity]

thereturn - i dug this idea moreso than the actual execution of it, though i do think you went about it the right way and though there were hiccups in the flow i think it fit perfectly into the poetic scheme of things and worked well, what i didnt like however was the minor details such as the repetition of the word night and other things of that nature, i dont know but it just read as if had you took more time then you would have heightened the content a tad and made for a more complete and thorough presentation, almost worthy of being published as this was a very dope idea and done fairly well, good stuff fam

nom de plume - this was decent, a good take on the topic you chose and presented fairly well although the rhythm to this for me at least was quite unbearable throughout, i didn't enjoy the chorus and the rhyme within each stanza wasn't very smooth which would have been overlooked had this been more poetic but as is it read somewhat like a bad song, the content was decent and i enjoyed some of the lines and your writing tone and choice of words, but overall this did little for me as an entire piece

so, vote - thereturn