[S3:WK1] .:Pain:. 0-0 vs Extreme Venom 0-0 (VOTE NOW!)

Lucifa · 06-16-2008, 05:53 AM

Verses are due before Thursday 11:59pm EST

It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations.

Click Here For Rules

All competitors MUST vote on the [Semi-Final] battles or face vote deductions.

Extreme Venom · 06-16-2008, 11:13 PM

Checkin' in..
I'll edit in my topic.. Self referance: Week 11 Topics ..

Niiiice@pain, this should be a nice read..

Extreme Venom · 06-19-2008, 08:00 AM

Ay I need an extention i don't get home till 6pm east.. give me an extention and I'll have my verse up before 9p garunteed

.:Pain:. · 06-19-2008, 04:40 PM

Nice to see you're back brother, lol @ facing you for my first match though. Good luck son...

Topic:

I'm inside the core of life,
The door will glide if pushed with forceful might,
Open it, and hopelessness pours its dye,
It'll leak to the hallways, and more, it dies,
Enter the room, feel heaven pursue,
Raise the windows, sit close, let it consume,
Feel the cool air invade your lungs,
And wonder how a soul can stay this young,
This notion, yes, so powerful,
So bloated, yet, so soundly grown,
When you, see the landscape, leave the man made,
You speak, and you teach, yet you keep your hand raised,
Work it, observe it, just search and sew,
Both the sun and the moon hate your curtains closed,
As the clouds make sounds for the world to dance to,
The light shows excite globes of pearl to glare though,
The natural world is a beautiful place,
To view it from space wouldn't do it its praise,
And when you, have a girl, it'll move you to change,
You'll lose all your pains inside who you became,
It's hard in life, to move on, switch,
All these nuanced twists could make you lost quick,
But everytime you get outside any true hardship,
You can look back and see all the new stars lit,
You don't hafta be a superhero, and try too hard,
Ain't nothin' new to Nero, we don't mind your faults,
You don't hafta be Jesus, but you don't hafta settle,
You don't hafta seem greedy, just ask the devil,
I'm only here to remind you, friend,
That in life, you never really find the end,
No prisons, or winning, no infinate sinning,
Only a strange sense of a different beginning,
That's why you're here, to venture again,
And you'll be, back again, eventually friend,
Just know that your soul is forever in infinance,
So your life, this time, can be whatever you wish it is,
We've changed many times, only to change back,
And now see that life isn't always the same path,
You've been up here a while, it truly is time,
To get back to Earth, and start pursuing your life...

Extreme Venom · 06-19-2008, 10:05 PM

I remember when we walked & talked she couldn't get enough
in the days we was raised, but now its gettin' rough..
She told me bye, but the look in her eyes, said "see you later"
So we hugged, and I bounced toward the Elevator
We never made love but the the thoughts were still there...
Young in age, it fades at times, but Still here...
Now I think back, Rats used to think that,
Cats used to think we was wack but we winked back..
Cause the fact was, Different then others..
Same Jams, Same plans, same fam, but different mothers...
See,
Fast Forward, I was dippin' in black wit Grimy Boards
Came back,
but lost track of each other in 94'
Fast Forward even more, get poor...
"Make it all back".. Facts from the laws she taught..
She told me:
"If You make a couple bucks, better save it up"
"Cause ain't no face in this race just gonna Pay you bucks"
I Stay Stuck, thinkin' how Shaniece got rough..
Same age but the streets was beatin' her Up...
See..
we were both born I 1981.. With guns..
around us..
Play in the park? hear shots? Get down, duck!
But Her brother raised her up after her mother passed...
But he was lost in the game like them other cats....
A Hood life,
I know you heard this story..
When a good life is somthin that emerges poorly..
See,
All the lessons he taught her.. she taught me
Same age, from eleven to Twelve to fourteen..
But she was still my big sister on the other End
So I had to learn to protect her from the other men..
When I was in school some days, she was in the house
Packin' cracks & stacks, on her brothers couch
While I was learnin the lessons, the school taught
She was on the block learnin' bout life & new ports
Still..
she kept me from the game keepin me closed, bottled
Taught me to Pursue the Dreams we Both followed..
Still..
Lost touch after I bounced from the Buildin'
Heard stories bout her brother and the rats that killed him
Real... Trife..
life took me to the army and back..
Found out they got killed when the pharmacy Cracked
Wanted to live a different Life so she Forced a Brother
Same age, Same Dream.. Still, I lost a mother
Damn..

Lucifa · 06-20-2008, 04:30 AM

top side ..

(Venom posts before Deadline A and does not incur vote deduction on ext. request)

Lucifa · 06-20-2008, 05:36 AM

this is a close call thing ..

Pain - this was cool .. however at times it felt a bit 'random' in the content .. it did have an almost continuing theme threading it together though so I see that randomness less intrusive on the read .. some decent rhyming and the flow wasn't too bad in general .. I enjoyed the read for the most part .. although I don't quite see the tie-in with pic .. but it is what it is .. good drop ..

Ven - I enjoyed this .. it was written well and so much so that I actually thought I was reading a 'true story' piece .. it flowed decently considering the structure which was a pleasent surprise .. what I enjoyed most about this verse was the emotional connection I got without you trying overly hard to apply it .. a trap some writers fall in to when attempting to convey emotion .. a good drop man ..

Vote = Venom .. a close call as I enjoyed reading both verses .. but I just got "in to" Venom's piece on an engaging level too .. good drops by both but the content that appealed to me most is where my votes goes ..

Chin Kwon · 06-20-2008, 09:37 AM

Pain

This was very poetic man. Not overly poetic to the point of weirdly abstract; just the perfect amount. The problem with this one was that it wasn't as cohesive. You jumped around too often, never really giving a solid ground on what you're trying to say. There were hints and stuff but, ultimately what i get, is someone who spends most of his time dreaming, with his head in space. And, after much self lecture and motivation he finally realized he has to do something about it??? Well that's what i get from it.

Extreme Venom

Very nice man. It was very fast pace. Despite the time shifts, i followed it pretty smoothly. This read like an homage and the sentimental property was well delivered. Wasns't too emo or callow with the execution and that's definitely a plus. overall, great piece.

my vote will got to Extreme Venom on the ground that his piece had a better grasp of direction. Everything was well planned out and the most important factor of all...it was a more ENJOYABLE read.

Got Life? · 06-20-2008, 10:04 AM

Pain - like I get where you're going with this, but I feel as a topical it didn't connect enough to carry over as a strong piece, I think had you built this around a character that you developed a little you would have had this hands down, but I know you don't write for the votes, you write for yourself. With that said the flow was fire and I enjoyed the read.

Venny - good to see you back my dude...I know this piece is prolly very real and very raw to you, but I think you could have delivered the piece much better...like I found the read choppy with the flow not carrying over smooth and I think you could have transitioned better, explained certain things more...instead it was left as a vague hood tale, and though this one is personal for you, it reads like a lot of other hood tales that I've read/written many times over. For me it just felt like you could have won this, but you didn't bring your A game.

I know I'll prolly catch bitching for this but...

Vote = Pain.

I think his mechanics, his flow, and his content were stronger here where the elements in which a story usually outshines a topical (i.e. character development, progression, emotion) weren't really captured fully by Venny's piece as he left his piece more on the broad spectrum.

Ace the Prophet · 06-20-2008, 12:53 PM

Pain- Nice piece man. What I was diggin most about this was that it flowed so smoothly throughout the whole read and you weren't just using basic words. It kept me readin from the first line to the last without any choppiness to me. The imagery was on point. There were quite a few lines I was really diggin, like the Jesus and Devil line. These bars took it for me though:

The natural world is a beautiful place,
To view it from space wouldn't do it its praise,
And when you, have a girl, it'll move you to change,
You'll lose all your pains inside who you became

Definitely diggin this, man.

Extreme Venom- After reading your piece I'm feeling like this was a true story. Everything that happened seemed like it was real which I was definitely feeling. I got good imagery from this but some parts left me wondering. Like how you lose track of her in 94 and then you fast forward and she's tellin you things. Would've been helpful to me to know how many years went by when you talked to her again. Or if you're reminiscing of things she said to you before it would've made it clearer. That's all I felt was really missing from this piece.

My final vote is gonna go to Pain. I enjoyed his read more as it was very smooth and his imagery was vivid to me. Props to both Pain and Venom

.:Pain:. · 06-21-2008, 03:24 PM

Holy shit I voted!!!!

[Semi-Final] Eye-Rime vs nah son (VOTE NOW!)
[S3:WK1] Infinite Truth 8-2 vs Chin Kwon 0-0 (VOTE NOW!)
[S3:WK1] Cereal_Killer 8-3 vs Ace The Prophet 0-0 (VOTE NOW!)
[S3:WK1] nom de plume. 7-3 vs TheReturn 11-3 (VOTE NOW!)
[Semi-Final] Got Life? vs Vada (VOTE NOW!)

Cereal_Killer · 06-21-2008, 04:44 PM

Pain:
Fucken top rhythm and vocab dude.. well structured and delivered very fluent.. I think the story itself was pleasant dude with a nice tinge of dark with the devil drop.. My fav line in their the curtains line brought this whole image of the two trees being a portal to new worlds.. Man pretty tight drop

Ex:
Hey nice piece story wise not overly fresh but nicely developed and was an easy read.. Vocab to me was ok a lil meh but I think the slang on this would be hella tight for audio.. Structure wise not as tight as pains but still not all that bad.. Pretty cool piece though dude.

vote = pain

with the stronger imagery.. pz n gl

nah son · 06-22-2008, 10:32 PM

this shit was ched, i can see how people would vote eitha way

on one side you got pain with some poetic, random thought slew of ideas that come together nicely all in one subtle topical with a story vibe to it .. the mechanics we ight not brilliantly put, the structure could use a little work, the vocab was coo, the rhyme scheme wasn't bad actually.. overall a coo read mayne keep doin u ..

on the other side we had a more complete story with some plot and charters involved, shit rhymed ight, could have been better tho, you the structure wasn't bad but i would tighten up your choice of words .. once you get it down, and project ur ideas better you'll be a beast.

vote - pain cos im on my artistic shit today but it could have just went the other way too

Quriosity · 06-22-2008, 10:52 PM

pain - i dug this throughout, thoroughly, i honestly felt as though you may have dedicated this to my life though i doubt that being that you only know my internet persona, nevertheless, the flow was nice but not well executed, by this i mean that i enjoyed the rhythm/rhyme scheme of the story but for the most part i would have to re-read lines to actually catch it as some of the lines/words required different paces of reading, but overall it was still nicely done and fit the script well, the story in itself wasn't necessarily creative but worked for me being that it was emotionally driven and dealt with a lot of the things that i am currently going through, good drop

extreme venom - yea, your mechanics were a bit messy and the structure was distracting, also the flow, though good, had some hiccups in it which may be due to the format but still, i enjoyed the story for the most part but the plot/direction seemed to be somewhat sporadic and less focused, still a good story nonetheless but maybe i just didnt feel the connection that i felt with pain's piece or maybe i wasn't allowed that same connection, either way i dug it but not as much

so, vote - pain

vada · 06-22-2008, 11:53 PM

pain...

this was ok, not really anything special it was like a see saw battle with me though at the end i was just wanting more, mechanincs were ok, just an avarage verse for me

extreme...

was this a true story if not that was written very well i could feel the emotion, it just read smooth and at the end i was like damn that was quick although there is substance and depth in the verse...overall this was good i enjoyed and liked the structure

overall...vote EV....just liked his verse more, alothough i read these very fast cause i'm racing deadline, props to both

06-16-2008, 05:53 AM	#1 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	[S3:WK1] .:Pain:. 0-0 vs Extreme Venom 0-0 (VOTE NOW!) Verses are due before Thursday 11:59pm EST It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations. Click Here For Rules All competitors MUST vote on the [Semi-Final] battles or face vote deductions. __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running Last edited by Lucifa; 06-19-2008 at 03:18 PM.

06-16-2008, 11:13 PM	#2 (permalink)
Extreme Venom PIT BOSS #9 Join Date: Oct 1999 Location: I'm from where you Can't put your Vest Away.... & say you'll wear it Tommorrow, cause the day after We'll be like "Damn, I was just with Him Yesterday" Posts: 8,949	Checkin' in.. I'll edit in my topic.. Self referance: Week 11 Topics .. Niiiice@pain, this should be a nice read.. __________________ (M³) Mic Mercinaries ™ The Grand Jury THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY Youll never be Veteran Experts, Just Expert Vets at being Amatures Extreme Venom aka Platinum Pistolz Effin' Godly™: FAB 5 RBG BPG Last edited by Extreme Venom; 06-19-2008 at 07:58 AM.

06-19-2008, 08:00 AM	#3 (permalink)
Extreme Venom PIT BOSS #9 Join Date: Oct 1999 Location: I'm from where you Can't put your Vest Away.... & say you'll wear it Tommorrow, cause the day after We'll be like "Damn, I was just with Him Yesterday" Posts: 8,949	Ay I need an extention i don't get home till 6pm east.. give me an extention and I'll have my verse up before 9p garunteed __________________ (M³) Mic Mercinaries ™ The Grand Jury THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY Youll never be Veteran Experts, Just Expert Vets at being Amatures Extreme Venom aka Platinum Pistolz Effin' Godly™: FAB 5 RBG BPG

06-19-2008, 04:40 PM	#4 (permalink)
.:Pain:. Right In Your Ass... Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Upstate, NY Posts: 4,617	Nice to see you're back brother, lol @ facing you for my first match though. Good luck son... Topic: I'm inside the core of life, The door will glide if pushed with forceful might, Open it, and hopelessness pours its dye, It'll leak to the hallways, and more, it dies, Enter the room, feel heaven pursue, Raise the windows, sit close, let it consume, Feel the cool air invade your lungs, And wonder how a soul can stay this young, This notion, yes, so powerful, So bloated, yet, so soundly grown, When you, see the landscape, leave the man made, You speak, and you teach, yet you keep your hand raised, Work it, observe it, just search and sew, Both the sun and the moon hate your curtains closed, As the clouds make sounds for the world to dance to, The light shows excite globes of pearl to glare though, The natural world is a beautiful place, To view it from space wouldn't do it its praise, And when you, have a girl, it'll move you to change, You'll lose all your pains inside who you became, It's hard in life, to move on, switch, All these nuanced twists could make you lost quick, But everytime you get outside any true hardship, You can look back and see all the new stars lit, You don't hafta be a superhero, and try too hard, Ain't nothin' new to Nero, we don't mind your faults, You don't hafta be Jesus, but you don't hafta settle, You don't hafta seem greedy, just ask the devil, I'm only here to remind you, friend, That in life, you never really find the end, No prisons, or winning, no infinate sinning, Only a strange sense of a different beginning, That's why you're here, to venture again, And you'll be, back again, eventually friend, Just know that your soul is forever in infinance, So your life, this time, can be whatever you wish it is, We've changed many times, only to change back, And now see that life isn't always the same path, You've been up here a while, it truly is time, To get back to Earth, and start pursuing your life... __________________ I don't mind, not bein' known, But bein' an example that will only be cloned, I don't mind, bein' myself, Even if it holds me from possible wealth... O.G. Bad Guy Myspace Still Blazin Bitches...

06-19-2008, 10:05 PM	#5 (permalink)
Extreme Venom PIT BOSS #9 Join Date: Oct 1999 Location: I'm from where you Can't put your Vest Away.... & say you'll wear it Tommorrow, cause the day after We'll be like "Damn, I was just with Him Yesterday" Posts: 8,949	I remember when we walked & talked she couldn't get enough in the days we was raised, but now its gettin' rough.. She told me bye, but the look in her eyes, said "see you later" So we hugged, and I bounced toward the Elevator We never made love but the the thoughts were still there... Young in age, it fades at times, but Still here... Now I think back, Rats used to think that, Cats used to think we was wack but we winked back.. Cause the fact was, Different then others.. Same Jams, Same plans, same fam, but different mothers... See, Fast Forward, I was dippin' in black wit Grimy Boards Came back, but lost track of each other in 94' Fast Forward even more, get poor... "Make it all back".. Facts from the laws she taught.. She told me: "If You make a couple bucks, better save it up" "Cause ain't no face in this race just gonna Pay you bucks" I Stay Stuck, thinkin' how Shaniece got rough.. Same age but the streets was beatin' her Up... See.. we were both born I 1981.. With guns.. around us.. Play in the park? hear shots? Get down, duck! But Her brother raised her up after her mother passed... But he was lost in the game like them other cats.... A Hood life, I know you heard this story.. When a good life is somthin that emerges poorly.. See, All the lessons he taught her.. she taught me Same age, from eleven to Twelve to fourteen.. But she was still my big sister on the other End So I had to learn to protect her from the other men.. When I was in school some days, she was in the house Packin' cracks & stacks, on her brothers couch While I was learnin the lessons, the school taught She was on the block learnin' bout life & new ports Still.. she kept me from the game keepin me closed, bottled Taught me to Pursue the Dreams we Both followed.. Still.. Lost touch after I bounced from the Buildin' Heard stories bout her brother and the rats that killed him Real... Trife.. life took me to the army and back.. Found out they got killed when the pharmacy Cracked Wanted to live a different Life so she Forced a Brother Same age, Same Dream.. Still, I lost a mother Damn.. __________________ (M³) Mic Mercinaries ™ The Grand Jury THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY Youll never be Veteran Experts, Just Expert Vets at being Amatures Extreme Venom aka Platinum Pistolz Effin' Godly™: FAB 5 RBG BPG

06-20-2008, 04:30 AM	#6 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	top side .. (Venom posts before Deadline A and does not incur vote deduction on ext. request) __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running

06-20-2008, 05:36 AM	#7 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	this is a close call thing .. Pain - this was cool .. however at times it felt a bit 'random' in the content .. it did have an almost continuing theme threading it together though so I see that randomness less intrusive on the read .. some decent rhyming and the flow wasn't too bad in general .. I enjoyed the read for the most part .. although I don't quite see the tie-in with pic .. but it is what it is .. good drop .. Ven - I enjoyed this .. it was written well and so much so that I actually thought I was reading a 'true story' piece .. it flowed decently considering the structure which was a pleasent surprise .. what I enjoyed most about this verse was the emotional connection I got without you trying overly hard to apply it .. a trap some writers fall in to when attempting to convey emotion .. a good drop man .. Vote = Venom .. a close call as I enjoyed reading both verses .. but I just got "in to" Venom's piece on an engaging level too .. good drops by both but the content that appealed to me most is where my votes goes .. __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running

06-20-2008, 09:37 AM	#8 (permalink)
Chin Kwon The Angkorian Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 635	Pain This was very poetic man. Not overly poetic to the point of weirdly abstract; just the perfect amount. The problem with this one was that it wasn't as cohesive. You jumped around too often, never really giving a solid ground on what you're trying to say. There were hints and stuff but, ultimately what i get, is someone who spends most of his time dreaming, with his head in space. And, after much self lecture and motivation he finally realized he has to do something about it??? Well that's what i get from it. Extreme Venom Very nice man. It was very fast pace. Despite the time shifts, i followed it pretty smoothly. This read like an homage and the sentimental property was well delivered. Wasns't too emo or callow with the execution and that's definitely a plus. overall, great piece. my vote will got to Extreme Venom on the ground that his piece had a better grasp of direction. Everything was well planned out and the most important factor of all...it was a more ENJOYABLE read.

06-20-2008, 12:53 PM	#10 (permalink)
Ace the Prophet A Prophet to the Game Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Denver Posts: 431	Pain- Nice piece man. What I was diggin most about this was that it flowed so smoothly throughout the whole read and you weren't just using basic words. It kept me readin from the first line to the last without any choppiness to me. The imagery was on point. There were quite a few lines I was really diggin, like the Jesus and Devil line. These bars took it for me though: The natural world is a beautiful place, To view it from space wouldn't do it its praise, And when you, have a girl, it'll move you to change, You'll lose all your pains inside who you became Definitely diggin this, man. Extreme Venom- After reading your piece I'm feeling like this was a true story. Everything that happened seemed like it was real which I was definitely feeling. I got good imagery from this but some parts left me wondering. Like how you lose track of her in 94 and then you fast forward and she's tellin you things. Would've been helpful to me to know how many years went by when you talked to her again. Or if you're reminiscing of things she said to you before it would've made it clearer. That's all I felt was really missing from this piece. My final vote is gonna go to Pain. I enjoyed his read more as it was very smooth and his imagery was vivid to me. Props to both Pain and Venom __________________ The Corp The Prophecy Another Reason (To Intoxicate) \| The Drug of Lust \| To Write \| Superman (Remix) \| Past, Present, Future \| Change ft. NOBLE SOLDIER \| Two-Faced ft. Chin Kwon \| Final Thoughts ft. Linxz \| "I" This, "I" That \| A Minute to Shine ft. Got Life? \| Scars \| Superstar (Remix) \| Disaster Nation \| Collab w/nO gOoD! \| Reassurance \| Above All Others \| Today's Pain, Tomorrow's Glory I don't rap for dead presidents. I'd rather see the president dead, it's never been said but I set precedents

06-21-2008, 03:24 PM	#11 (permalink)
.:Pain:. Right In Your Ass... Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Upstate, NY Posts: 4,617	Holy shit I voted!!!! [Semi-Final] Eye-Rime vs nah son (VOTE NOW!) [S3:WK1] Infinite Truth 8-2 vs Chin Kwon 0-0 (VOTE NOW!) [S3:WK1] Cereal_Killer 8-3 vs Ace The Prophet 0-0 (VOTE NOW!) [S3:WK1] nom de plume. 7-3 vs TheReturn 11-3 (VOTE NOW!) [Semi-Final] Got Life? vs Vada (VOTE NOW!) __________________ I don't mind, not bein' known, But bein' an example that will only be cloned, I don't mind, bein' myself, Even if it holds me from possible wealth... O.G. Bad Guy Myspace Still Blazin Bitches... Last edited by .:Pain:.; 06-22-2008 at 04:01 PM.

06-21-2008, 04:44 PM	#12 (permalink)
Cereal_Killer California Cornflakes Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In a tub of gutter glitter Posts: 3,180	Pain: Fucken top rhythm and vocab dude.. well structured and delivered very fluent.. I think the story itself was pleasant dude with a nice tinge of dark with the devil drop.. My fav line in their the curtains line brought this whole image of the two trees being a portal to new worlds.. Man pretty tight drop Ex: Hey nice piece story wise not overly fresh but nicely developed and was an easy read.. Vocab to me was ok a lil meh but I think the slang on this would be hella tight for audio.. Structure wise not as tight as pains but still not all that bad.. Pretty cool piece though dude. vote = pain with the stronger imagery.. pz n gl __________________ :·.·: cocaine, genius, insomnia :·.·: .·.cereal killer . got life . inf truth.·. .. You're not likely to see a green CK Unless you've got a ticket with MDA ..

06-22-2008, 10:32 PM	#13 (permalink)
nah son the hundredaire Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: ny Posts: 936	this shit was ched, i can see how people would vote eitha way on one side you got pain with some poetic, random thought slew of ideas that come together nicely all in one subtle topical with a story vibe to it .. the mechanics we ight not brilliantly put, the structure could use a little work, the vocab was coo, the rhyme scheme wasn't bad actually.. overall a coo read mayne keep doin u .. on the other side we had a more complete story with some plot and charters involved, shit rhymed ight, could have been better tho, you the structure wasn't bad but i would tighten up your choice of words .. once you get it down, and project ur ideas better you'll be a beast. vote - pain cos im on my artistic shit today but it could have just went the other way too __________________ RSTL CHAMPION OF SEASON I Yes, as in the entire season. A bitch tried to stick me Cause you fuck me don't mean you can kiss me

06-22-2008, 10:52 PM	#14 (permalink)
Quriosity Michael Clayton of Text Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Atlanta, Ga Posts: 19,097	pain - i dug this throughout, thoroughly, i honestly felt as though you may have dedicated this to my life though i doubt that being that you only know my internet persona, nevertheless, the flow was nice but not well executed, by this i mean that i enjoyed the rhythm/rhyme scheme of the story but for the most part i would have to re-read lines to actually catch it as some of the lines/words required different paces of reading, but overall it was still nicely done and fit the script well, the story in itself wasn't necessarily creative but worked for me being that it was emotionally driven and dealt with a lot of the things that i am currently going through, good drop extreme venom - yea, your mechanics were a bit messy and the structure was distracting, also the flow, though good, had some hiccups in it which may be due to the format but still, i enjoyed the story for the most part but the plot/direction seemed to be somewhat sporadic and less focused, still a good story nonetheless but maybe i just didnt feel the connection that i felt with pain's piece or maybe i wasn't allowed that same connection, either way i dug it but not as much so, vote - pain __________________ .textmastersoftheuniverse. calefaction lucifa thereturn alias2 magus quriosity speedycalhoun johndough bonniebathory metasin sephiroth ((JOIN THE RBL NOW)) ►► CLICK ME, CLICK ME ◄◄

06-22-2008, 11:53 PM	#15 (permalink)
vada Registered User Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 322	pain... this was ok, not really anything special it was like a see saw battle with me though at the end i was just wanting more, mechanincs were ok, just an avarage verse for me extreme... was this a true story if not that was written very well i could feel the emotion, it just read smooth and at the end i was like damn that was quick although there is substance and depth in the verse...overall this was good i enjoyed and liked the structure overall...vote EV....just liked his verse more, alothough i read these very fast cause i'm racing deadline, props to both __________________ once upon a time... ...i've beat you