14. Vada v. 11. DaAlmightyDolla (VOTE NOW!)

[Quriosity]

VERSE DUE FRIDAY @ 11:59 PM EST
VOTES DUE SUNDAY @ 11:59 PM EST

RSTL Official Rules & Regulations

[Quriosity]

Notice deadline changes.

[vada]

check and good luck kind sir

[DaAlmightyDolla]

*tips hat*

right back at ya

[vada]

Votes:

1 - 1. nah son v. 9. Infinite Truth (VOTE NOW!)
2 - 10. LDogg v. 15. Got Life? (VOTE NOW!)
3 - 5. Eye-Rime v. 13. Pent Up (VOTE NOW!)

[DaAlmightyDolla]

What is it about me that you love so much
when I've never really been tempted to touch..
..your mind body and definitely not your soul
knowing that my goal has never been the desire...
...to quench your thirst or to accelerate the fire..
...that was already lit by another man in your existence
your words are purposely kept at a distance
so my ears never take hold of your passion
because the fashion in which i speak...
...try to give you a clear understanding that our future is bleak
yet you continue to come to conclusions
getting married to confusions and misunderstandings
while I'm just standing there glancing...
...at the dumb look branded on you face
but its as if you wont quit until you get a taste...
...of the love that I hold locked in a place...
...that even I don't have a key for
you had the choice of 3 doors...
but you choose the 1 that led to my disapproval
its getting to a state where this situation is crucial
the more you push the more I push back
I feel as if you're on the attack
so I reengaged my defenses
I can simply just end it..
...with a meeting between your face and my hand
but I'm trying to be patient as well as a man
yet you are not helping your cause
every remark uttered is a lost
you have yet to win a battle but you continue the war
!!!WHAT THE FUCK FOR!!!
we speak 2 languages yet its as if we cant communicate on either 1
maybe I'm just lame and all of this is considered fun
nnaaaaaa its not that, I'm certain its you
you're just crazy, you're missing a screw
you know what, case closed. thats it...
..you're just nuts. here I thought you were just a bitch
but in reality you just escape it
damn I think of all the years I wasted
claiming to be your man when I just wanted some ass
while becoming one at the same time all those years slowly passed
I like to put emphasis on slowly
because holy... shit did we feel like an eternity
while internally ...I deteriorated into a grumpy old man
and I'm in my early 20's damn
but I'll blame everything on you as long as I can

let me read the list to you....

Shit the Mrs is responsible for
1) reseeding hairline....................[x]
2) depression in my spare time......[x]
3) erectile dysfucntion.................[x]
4) excessive alcohol consumption .[x]
5) high blood pressure.................[x]
6) gun on the dresser..................[x]

Theres more but I don't want to waste more time on you
so get this through your thick skull...
" BITCH WE'RE THROUGH"

[wife]
But but but I love you

OH MY GOD WOMAN HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING
*walks to dresser*

Topic:
A Time to Kill

[vada]

I can feel my expression, tainted, portrayed with a tyrants grin
I stay focused , from beethovens new haven of violins
The melodic collage of sound astounds the watery shrine within
I find a friend…my inner voice, that’s when the irony begins


I take my final glimpse,…the heavier my eye lids get
My mind is dense, I take a deep breath then close my eyes and sit
Im right beside the wick…and I can feel the fire lit
It’s like im being watched by shadows that the wall inside submits
The smell of ³³³³³ cider sends my senses through a spiral quick
That’s when imagination acts as satin then supplies intense
Re-occurring thoughts that over lap by 99 percent
My will to live and learn instead im turned to homocide by sins


At this point im meditating, body still, no sudden movements
I see the path ahead, it’s blurry, my eyes are adjusting to it
It’s my next step, my inept approach to it must be foolish
With my life on the line, im oblivious seeing it’s just a blue print
No map or walkthrough, it’s all new, and im a flustered student
To making decisions in life, “what’s right?”, see,! I want improvement
Im stubborn to it’s difficult, but im saying there’s nothing to it
So I let my conscience lead me in blind cause I must construe this
Now what produces, well I think about and ponder it’s mystique
They say to live your dreams, but what If you’ve been conquered when you sleep
Motivation is the key, and I’ve been locked within esteem
I feel im physically weak at times, but I can consciously succeed
Im honestly supreme, I try to picture the good
And leave my train of thought topped by the little engine that could
I express myself on paper sometimes it’s written in blood
So when I wanna give up, I see life’s worth living and should
I just witnessed the flood, on the coast and im saddened by the rapture
The states are now aquatic pastures from this natural disaster
A visual water world, I sense the panic pulling faster
And mother nature is to blame for every casket we should ask her
Why she had to capture, the hearts and souls of humans
I open my eyes, begin to sigh and then I start to roll the Cuban
I walk to my window it’s so seducing, the moon gives it’s own illusion
But the water over my roof is the ode to my own confusion
Im alone in my home it’s soothing, but the mood it lets you know
That if you wrestle hope you’ll soon submit, there is no rescue boat
You propose to fate and only wait til you and death elope
But in retrospect I’ll resurrect it’s seen through telescopes
I take a hit, my last blunt, it’s funny cause I’ve never smoked
I see the streets of water and then I start calling it Heavens Moat
I let it go, I cant take it, I panic, I yell and show
My conscience it isn’t helping, I scream til my head explodes
My chest corrodes, from breath control, I start lacking sporadic
The water continues to rise and now im trapped in the attic
No more food or water, im calling this dirty mattress a casket
Covered in plastic and maggots I take a stab with a hatchet
At the metal bars on the window I attack it and wack it
There’s no luck though, it’s steel I cant manage to crack it
I get exhausted, so I stop and go back to the mattress,
And lay flat on my back it’s helpless, I laugh and react with
A natural action…
I feel the the tip toe of a tear
I hear the drips, waters coming in the window it appears
At this point I accept death I sit low with no fear
Moments later im in a puddle I grip hold of my years
I spent holding a beer, wasting my life in a bar
Thinking of everything I could do telling my wife that it’s hard
Procrastinating, conscience telling me it’s time I should start
A minds a terrible thing to waist, I kept mine in a jar
I guess it’s time I should start praying, the water’s to my shirt you know
Im gonna drown, I start laughing again, “at least I wont the first to go”
The water’s thirsty flow finds the candle gulping it’s burning glow
And moments later, before I drown, my mind captures it’s vertigo


I can feel my expression, tainted, portrayed with a tyrants grin
I stay focused , from beethovens new haven of violins
The melodic collage of sound astounds the watery shrine within
I find a friend…my inner voice, that’s when the irony begins

[Got Life?]

Dad - this started out kinda decent...i mean the subject was really bland and you didn't do anything to make it more interesting...like a really good rhyme scheme or stronger vocab would have brought this to life more...instead it was a chore to read...i feel the list at the end and the way you concluded it was also just a cop out...or you ran out of lines from what already was a dragging, staggering piece...not one of your best.

Vern - the first 4 bars of this were easily the best...from there the piece took a slow stumble and just wasn't as sharp as i'm use to seeing from you...the piece had lows and highs with some really sharp lines and them some filler ones...almost like a back and forth, though I like the direction and I like how you captured your character in this struggle...wack it / crack it though? c'mon man...you know this wasn't up to your usual standard.

I think Vern's piece was more creative and for that I give him my vote.

vote = Vern.

[Lucifa]

DaD - I quite liked this .. it had a simplistic feel in both the mechanics and the content but I actually felt you worked it well enough to make for a good read .. I didn't feel bored or get lost in what was happening .. it ended at the right time and didn't drag on and didn't feel too short and have things missing from the story .. I liked how you worked that check list into the piece and although it was abrupt in it's delivery I think the wrap up worked too ..

Vern - this is harder for me to crit .. there's aspects to it that I appreciate in regards to mechanics .. a stronger use of vocab in general than the opponent and more work done on the engaging with the character and plot with the wording you used at times .. however .. I struggled to really get in to the piece and never warmed to it like I usually do with your pieces .. I wouldn't say it bored me but it just didn't spark my interest levels ..

Vote = DaAlmightyDolla .. for me personally I'm giving my vote to the verse I enjoyed most .. I certainly think Vern showed stronger aspects with better wording and stronger vocab along with greater detail in emotional and pictorial technique .. but .. I found DaD's verse easier to read and it entertained me as a reader more even without the stronger points outlined for Vern's positive feed .. I just can't vote for the mechanics over my personal pref in what I read here though .. so DaD takes it for me ..

[J o o k]

Originally Posted by DaAlmightyDolla

What is it about me that you love so much
when I've never really been tempted to touch..
..your mind body and definitely not your soul
knowing that my goal has never been the desire...
...to quench your thirst or to accelerate the fire..
...that was already lit by another man in your existence
your words are purposely kept at a distance
so my ears never take hold of your passion
because the fashion in which i speak...
...try to give you a clear understanding that our future is bleak
yet you continue to come to conclusions
getting married to confusions and misunderstandings
while I'm just standing there glancing...
...at the dumb look branded on you face

your face

but its as if you wont quit until you get a taste...
...of the love that I hold locked in a place...
...that even I don't have a key for
you had the choice of 3 doors...
but you choose the 1 that led to my disapproval
its getting to a state where this situation is crucial
the more you push the more I push back
I feel as if you're on the attack
so I reengaged my defenses
I can simply just end it..
...with a meeting between your face and my hand
but I'm trying to be patient as well as a man
yet you are not helping your cause
every remark uttered is a lost
you have yet to win a battle but you continue the war
!!!WHAT THE FUCK FOR!!!

Grabbed my attention well here, let's see where the buildup takes me.

we speak 2 languages yet its as if we cant communicate on either 1
maybe I'm just lame and all of this is considered fun
nnaaaaaa its not that, I'm certain its you
you're just crazy, you're missing a screw
you know what, case closed. thats it...
..you're just nuts. here I thought you were just a bitch
but in reality you just escape it
damn I think of all the years I wasted
claiming to be your man when I just wanted some ass
while becoming one at the same time all those years slowly passed
I like to put emphasis on slowly
because holy... shit did we feel like an eternity
while internally ...I deteriorated into a grumpy old man
and I'm in my early 20's damn
but I'll blame everything on you as long as I can

I can relate, sometimes relationships are very straining. Good follow up bori.


let me read the list to you....

Shit the Mrs is responsible for
1) reseeding hairline....................[x]
2) depression in my spare time......[x]
3) erectile dysfucntion.................[x]
4) excessive alcohol consumption .[x]
5) high blood pressure.................[x]
6) gun on the dresser..................[x]

Theres more but I don't want to waste more time on you
so get this through your thick skull...
" BITCH WE'RE THROUGH"

[wife]
But but but I love you

OH MY GOD WOMAN HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING
*walks to dresser*

Topic:
A Time to Kill

I like how you ended it with the list and it still rhymed. Lol that shit is so true. I think this is a pretty cool drop. Entertaining in the least. I didn't find to much wrong with it all. You seemed to let everything flow really naturally. I like that shit. The thing that's keeping you from being a great writer is unfortunately your vobulary and your mechanics. Once you tighten those things up to go along with that creative mind you'll be one of the best to graze the RSTL. Keep writing bori.

[J o o k]

Originally Posted by vada

I can feel my expression, tainted, portrayed with a tyrants grin
I stay focused , from beethovens new haven of violins
The melodic collage of sound astounds the watery shrine within
I find a friend…my inner voice, that’s when the irony begins

Dope opening stanza, this shit better be leading me into gold Vern.


I take my final glimpse,…the heavier my eye lids get
My mind is dense, I take a deep breath then close my eyes and sit
Im right beside the wick…and I can feel the fire lit
It’s like im being watched by shadows that the wall inside submits
The smell of ³³³³³ cider sends my senses through a spiral quick
That’s when imagination acts as satin then supplies intense
Re-occurring thoughts that over lap by 99 percent
My will to live and learn instead im turned to homocide by sins


Okay good lead in to the story. Lets get it going.


At this point im meditating, body still, no sudden movements
I see the path ahead, it’s blurry, my eyes are adjusting to it
It’s my next step, my inept approach to it must be foolish
With my life on the line, im oblivious seeing it’s just a blue print
No map or walkthrough, it’s all new, and im a flustered student
To making decisions in life, “what’s right?”, see,! I want improvement
Im stubborn to it’s difficult, but im saying there’s nothing to it
So I let my conscience lead me in blind cause I must construe this
Now what produces, well I think about and ponder it’s mystique
They say to live your dreams, but what If you’ve been conquered when you sleep

Damn good fucking philosophical pressence there in the ending. I can definitely appreciate this stanza. Lets continue.


Motivation is the key, and I’ve been locked within esteem
I feel im physically weak at times, but I can consciously succeed
Im honestly supreme, I try to picture the good
And leave my train of thought topped by the little engine that could
I express myself on paper sometimes it’s written in blood
So when I wanna give up, I see life’s worth living and should
I just witnessed the flood, on the coast and im saddened by the rapture
The states are now aquatic pastures from this natural disaster
A visual water world, I sense the panic pulling faster
And mother nature is to blame for every casket we should ask her
Why she had to capture, the hearts and souls of humans
I open my eyes, begin to sigh and then I start to roll the Cuban
I walk to my window it’s so seducing, the moon gives it’s own illusion
But the water over my roof is the ode to my own confusion

This whole stanza is taking me somewhere, I've been trying to tell people in the league not to stand still, and you're a perfect at it. Good shit.

Im alone in my home it’s soothing, but the mood it lets you know
That if you wrestle hope you’ll soon submit, there is no rescue boat
You propose to fate and only wait til you and death elope
But in retrospect I’ll resurrect it’s seen through telescopes
I take a hit, my last blunt, it’s funny cause I’ve never smoked
I see the streets of water and then I start calling it Heavens Moat
I let it go, I cant take it, I panic, I yell and show
My conscience it isn’t helping, I scream til my head explodes
My chest corrodes, from breath control, I start lacking sporadic
The water continues to rise and now im trapped in the attic
No more food or water, im calling this dirty mattress a casket
Covered in plastic and maggots I take a stab with a hatchet
At the metal bars on the window I attack it and wack it
There’s no luck though, it’s steel I cant manage to crack it
I get exhausted, so I stop and go back to the mattress,
And lay flat on my back it’s helpless, I laugh and react with

Good descriptive detail, good emotion and plot emphasis.

A natural action…
I feel the the tip toe of a tear

the the? Proof read.

I hear the drips, waters coming in the window it appears
At this point I accept death I sit low with no fear
Moments later im in a puddle I grip hold of my years
I spent holding a beer, wasting my life in a bar
Thinking of everything I could do telling my wife that it’s hard
Procrastinating, conscience telling me it’s time I should start
A minds a terrible thing to waist, I kept mine in a jar
I guess it’s time I should start praying, the water’s to my shirt you know
Im gonna drown, I start laughing again, “at least I wont the first to go”

I wont the first to go. Proof read.

The water’s thirsty flow finds the candle gulping it’s burning glow
And moments later, before I drown, my mind captures it’s vertigo


I can feel my expression, tainted, portrayed with a tyrants grin
I stay focused , from beethovens new haven of violins
The melodic collage of sound astounds the watery shrine within
I find a friend…my inner voice, that’s when the irony begins

Beautiful, classy way to end, just how you opened. Life and death. This shit was the best read I had so far. Very good piece. Your imagery, detail, and plot progression are second to none in this league. The only thing I have to say is that you need to proof read your shit, it's not your fault apples is sensored but if you see it is, fix it. Don't let small shit stick out, as I pointed along the story.


To me this battle was a landslide if I've ever witnessed one. DAD came real cool, I have no complaints, but Vern just out classed, out wrote, and out did him in every aspect.

VOTE - VERN

[Infinite Truth]

DaD - I liked the idea behind this and thought the list was hysterical, but this was way to simple, your mechanics were just way to basic and not polished enough to make this an enjoyable read. It seemed like something i've read a million times written in an average way.

Vern - I think this started really strong and then it almost lost focus somewhere in the middle, but then as the piece came back together i like the play on life and death and I think the repetition was good, really the difference between your verse and DaD's though was the level of writing and the mechanics.

I'ma vote for Vern for better mechanics.

[DaAlmightyDolla]

1. nah son v. 9. Infinite Truth (VOTE NOW!)
5. Eye-Rime v. 13. Pent Up (VOTE NOW!)
10. LDogg v. 15. Got Life? (VOTE NOW!)