[RD 1] 5. Eye-Rime v. 12. TheReturn (VOTE NOW!)

[Quriosity]

VERSE DUE SATURDAY @ 11:59 PM EST
VOTES DUE MONDAY @ 11:59 PM EST

RSTL Official Rules & Regulations

[TheReturn]

Check PM's on Eye-Rime yo. Figured you would have earlier. Vote on 5 these days, correct?

EDIT: And no extensions either, I don't want you to come in complaining about your Saturday classes that you're studying for or some shit.

[Eye-Rime]

correct, and replied.

im usually only on eye-rime while im at work, its automatically logged in there, and at home its under Q most of the time,

oh, and im here.

1] 6. RICO v. 11. DaAlmightyDolla
2] 3. 3-Planes v. 14. Vada
3] 1. Nah Son v. 16. Bodian
4] 8. nom de plume. v. 9. Infinite Truth
5] 2. Lucifa v. 15. DeadKing
6] 4. Cereal_Killer v. 13. Pent uP
7] LDogg

[TheReturn]

.

"A Walk to Remember"



That fateful day, when angels came to take me away,
Walking to class at two, I was blasting my tunes
And never saw that gray truck racing my way.
Went to cross the street, and across from me
I looked up to see that gray truck braking too late...


They say life flashes in an instant, and it must be true,
Cause my eyesight switched to a rustic view
Full of grays and browns with a touch of blue.
It was a new feeling, of course,
Surreal in its force,
When suddenly I was in a room with doctors, kneeled in remorse,
As they panicked over a baby being choked by its umbilical cord.
In a rush they cut it, pulled and got me out,
Before recessitating me with a miniature version of mouth to mouth.
Ever since then, I've had my bouts with doubt,
But I've been a survivor since day one, I'd just found it out.
Eighth birthday, Pops had built me a fort in the trees
Well, more like a room, but that's all that was important to me,
Until a loose board broke in half
The ground broke my fall, and I broke a bone in my knee.
I stood there and watched myself screaming in pain
As Mom rushed from the kitchen yelling Jesus's name,
Dad took me to the hospital,
And the current version of me ended up freezing in rain,
On the side of the highway, by a bridge bleeding with ice
When I noticed our old Blazer speeding at me in the heat of the night.
I watched the tires slide,
Flip twice and slide over a mile on the ceiling to a sweeping ravine.
I watched the jaws of life go to work on the car,
Heard the anguish, could almost feel the hurt from afar
Pulled through shattered glass,
I picked up strings of prayer laced in the words in the dark.
Ten years later, wasted from a beer pong streak of wins
And innocent conversations from a meet and greet with friends
Until the guns filled the room,
Hinting at my instincts that I'd reached the end.
My life was never all it could've been, I never asked for shit,
Made a humble living with the friends I made from my sarcastic wit.
But I wasn't shot, sure I talked some shit
But my head survived the force of the automatic's whip.
And now I stand, baffled over events that occured
The Deaths I'd weasled out of ever since I was birthed
That's when the epiphany hit
And I felt God had a plan for my stint on this Earth.


Until that fateful day, when angels came to take me away,
Walking to class at two, I was blasting my tunes
And never saw that gray truck racing my way.
Went to cross the street, and across from me
I looked up to see that gray truck braking too late...

Again.


And I'm wondering,
In this Cycle of Life, this vortex of force and Time,
What if we're doomed to LIVING in the lifetime
That flashes right before our eyes?


Over and over,


Forever...

.

[Eye-Rime]

"At The Fire"
Manhattan, New York
Early 1900's



…Shh!
Their music was vibrant,
The sound of love; a most beautiful silence
Viewing a painting of peaceful souls freed from dutiful tyrants
I calmly listened to the whispers of their burgundy lips
Slowly stepping over the children that were burned in the mist
Nervous; adrift; surrounded by a usual quiet
So brutal and violent,
Poor children mixed with indisputable violets
Along with a distinctive array of red; I would pray for the dead

…

Only eight when I started working, though positions were bleak
Sweating and slaving to make a dollar and fifty cents for the week
Illegal of course; but to no surprise, we were seen as a force
A group of German immigrant women paid not even a fourth
Teeny and short; for us to reach, we'd climbed atop of the crates
All poor with the common factor that our sockets would ache
Docking our pay if we didn't scurry when Inspectors would come
While black fumes from dirty machines were infecting our lungs
A few doors… with fewer windows; walls grungy and greasy
Locked inside of bedraggled rooms and learning nothing was easy
Someone asked me how I survived and I rejoiced in the path
Of coming to the conclusion of "What choice did I have?"

…

Scattered in sections, as smoke choked in a matter of seconds
Watching Big Bosses evacuating as it staggered us peasants
And there we stood, scared stiff on the ninth of a ten story
All knowing our time had come on this night to defend glory
We watched it bubble on machines as fire gushed on the scene
Wondering why we hadn't thought to ever buck the regime
They lusted for green, while the most luscious of dreams were
Now painted in cherry smears and constant flushing of screams
Violently crying; frozen in fear while tears dripped to my breast
A flow so strong, I almost thought that I was hit in the chest
So I cried… with deafened ears as it slaughtered us rampantly
Since the shop didn't even have enough water to dampen me
Now I’m running and panicking, searching for types of escape
With little luck and lesser hope, thinking I’d die in this place
Only two exits from the shop and one was covered in smoke
So we ran to the other door where fire smothered our hopes
It cluttered our throats, our heels crushing the faces of dead
Their limp bodies littered the floor, along with traces of red
Then, smoke swallows my vision and I slide in a ruby river
Palms land in chunks of flesh and my body exudes a shiver
Doom delivered by massive heated ribbons of orange hues
Ironically, the bosses left… only leaving the foreign crews
I watched girls that broke windows open with bare hands
Crossing hearts with bloody fists to show hope for a fair chance
Looking out, I tried to muster up the courage to do it
Streets beneath filled with limbs and different surgery units
Too nervous and prudent; I quickly ripped my skirt by the thread
And tightly wrapped it over my hair to keep from burning my head
I left all of me at that fire, because I needed a clean sweep
Fleeing out of the blazing door that was leading to Greene Street
Then I watched as the frame collapsed, and I was lucky to leave
Silently praying for the others that were stuck in the heap
I slightly turned, and a man lifted my face as to wipe the burns
Saying, “Sorry, I just thought you were maybe my wife, Laverne”
And through the smoke, it’s impossible to discover your kin
But I hope he found her, because I never saw my husband again

…


The streets stood still in a moment of silence
All paying our deepest respects to the song of their eye-lids
Such a peaceful melody that harmonized with the clouds
A deep and discerning love that was quiet, but loud
And though some were still landing and were breaking in angles
We listened for their sweet routines as they sang with the angels
Through the frantic misery and bodies hugging the pavement
I swear that we heard their song of a love that was sacred

They were free!







Based on factual events that took place on March 25, 1911

One hundred and forty-one died at the scene of the fire along
with seven that died later in the hospital. The bosses that fled
to the rooftop and utterly failed to warn the ninth floor of the
fire were acquitted of all charges, but later lost in a civil case
and were forced to pay $75 dollars for each accounted death.
Only $75 dollars for the price of a life - now that's ridiculous.

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.
Henry David Thoreau


- The End -

[Lucifa]

good lordy .. this is a damn hard battle to select a winner ..

TR - I enjoyed this piece .. it came alive for me and I liked the flashback thing you did .. described all the scenarios well enough for me to picture it all .. and the transitions were smooth too .. I do feel this didn't flow as well as you usually write but then it didn't really get thrown anywhere in particular (although "braking too late" to me should have been "brake too late") .. minor but eh .. overall the piece was easy to read and follow and it was a good read .. it did lack a bit of spark I like about your work but I wouldn't call it sub-standard at the same time .. just maybe not quite fitting with the confidence you showed in the sticky threads ..

Q - this is a good example of how real world events can be taken to create a story that is engaging and interesting .. as well as enlightening .. you could have tackled it as a topical based around the segment you slapped on the end via a topical route .. it would have made for a good read I think but how you just put a non-rhyming statement on the end of the story was a bit a negative .. because of the non-rhyming aspect though .. because the message was great and had an impact on me .. $75? .. wow! .. a pair of jeans can costs more than that now .. the piece didn't have your usual overpowering multi rhyming and didn't really flow as smooth because of that .. but for me that was a sacrifice worth making since the content was a real strong point .. a well told story that had depth and some good imagery work ..

Vote = Eye-Rime .. very very close call .. I really did like both verses pretty much equally .. Return was stronger in some mechanical areas maybe but nothing outshining his opponent .. both had entertaining content and it's only by a tiny margin but I took more away from Q's piece .. a hot favourite for battle of the week and this is going to be a tough vote for anyone that enters .. so so close .. but Q takes it for me ..

[Lord Drama]

dam..pretty nice match here

TR.. so, obviously the story is somewhat true, using the thinking process of the aftermath of being pistol whipped or whatever at the party u had in real life..I couldnt tell if the whole car flipping over thing was something you saw at a younger age or if those parts were made up...The story seems to conclude with you losing your life in a random accident, after dodging so many bullets in the past, one finally gets you... It was a pretty solid reflection piece on the crazy aspects to life an how we should feel about life, and whether or not it ends abruptly from the flash of a second... flow was not as top notch as I've seen you come, but i think it was due to u switching up the flow scheme, which I actually like more.. shows the range of talent u have for words. Solid Drop

Q you really impressed me this week, I usually have a big problem with your flow scheme cuz the words you choose to rhyme always seems to sacrifice the content of your story, but I found very few lines in this piece that bothered me.. Now the story itself was creative, in the sense you are probably the only dude in centuries to speak on this story that happened so long ago.. I personally wasnt aware of it happening, dont know how important it was, but it was still interesting to know of what happened and the fact the shit that happened was so unjust, that digging it back up for the future to see, in a way, brings justice to the people who got fucked over from the situation. I can tell u stepped ya game up this week.. Solid drop homes

TR:
Originality - 88 the concept isnt new but the story is your own life so...
Creativity - 87 considering the story was more real than creative
Story/content - 92
Word choice - 91
Flow - 94
Clarity - 93
Overall: (A-) 90.8%

Q:
Originality - 87 the story already happened
Creativity - 89
Story/content - 94 appreciate u paying homage to the past
Word choice - 89
Flow - 94
Clarity - 93
Overall: (A-) 91%

[TheReturn]

Which 10 lines do you feel like editing out? [/gotlife?]

Kidding, votes will go here.

1 [RD 1] 1. Nah Son v. 16. Bodian (VOTE NOW!)
2 [RD 1] 2. Lucifa v. 15. Got Life? (VOTE NOW!)
3 [RD 1] 8. nom de plume. v. 9. Infinite Truth (VOTE NOW!)
4 [RD 1] 4. Cereal_Killer v. 13. Pent uP (VOTE NOW!)
5 Sorry I didn't get to this, going to the doctor to get these staples out.



He only went 2 lines over [/Lucifa]
We don't count prose now? [/TR]

[Got Life?]

TR - I think this was a good verse, but it lacked that something...it just felt like the philosophical point at the end was an after thought and the piece that was built up before it was just one of those..."something something something" about my life that leads me to random epiphany...it just didn't connect, though it read buttery smooth and I thought some of the lines were clever, like the touch of blue line, that was worded really clever.

Q - I liked this piece and I didn't at the same time...what started to nag me as I was reading it was the structure actually...it seemed so rigid in this almost big rectangle of text...it was almost like reading a barrage of information without any change of pace or switch in flow...it makes for a truly monotone read like that, but your flow was still there and I think the story was one that provided me with something fresher than what I read from TR...this is a topic that hasn't really been touched on much in the past few years so I'll give you that.

vote = Q for a more original and more entertaining piece.

[3-Planes]

tr

very nice unorthodox approach to flow, but still fluid as hell.. i used to alot of this with structural callbacks and all sorts of techniques to make the flow more interesting.. very good narrator's voice here, this piece was easy to digest and get into


q

intruiging and captivating writing right here, i've really got nothing negative to say about this for what it was (of course, if i'd factor in preference, which i do, then it would another matter), mechanics were polished and it was a breeze to read this.. great drop

tr's piece got through to me immediately where as q's required me to go back and read it again.. while both had superb mechanics i feel Tr was just a slight bit more creative and experimental

that's the hair seperating these pieces as i see so i will have to give the nod to tr in what was probably match of the week

vote: TheReturn

[DaAlmightyDolla]

hmmmmmm

tr- i read ur verse twice cuz ur flow was hard 2 get but once i got it, ur verse was a joy 2 read. im feeling the whole meant to be, cant escape death thing. each close call was fucked up. i felt 4 the guy cuz he couldnt catch a break. this fealt somewat different from u though. i guess it was the flow since most ur pieces roll right off the tongue. over all though 7.5/10

q
this really didnt feel like a normal q verse. no crazy multis but it fealt like a chore to read at first. its not until later that it picked up quite nicely and i felt like i have to finish this. its even more powerful that it wasa true story. that was just icing on the cake. it fit the topic very well. some may not like the fact that u didnt rhyme the highlighted part but fuck it. im finally impressed. 8/10

vote - q

good battle

[Infinite Truth]

shit.

good reads.

i thought tr would def take it.
but.

tr... good verse. poetic; linguistics shined for the most part, but i didn't think they were as strong as q's. rhyme scheme was dope, but once again, not as dope as q. story was gripping. more entertaining than q's. flow was solid for the most part; but it stretched at times. very good verse nonetheless.

q... dope. imagery, linguistics, & poetics were all veryyy nice. that's what took it for you. not as entertaining or original [content-wise] as tr's verse, but still strong. it was interesting, intelligent, & graceful, but not necessarily gripping story-wise. but overall, the read was great. your flow & rhyme scheme created some nice mechanical structure too.

v- q.

[Pent uP]

pretty nice battle

TR- i liked it. it was written pretty well. flow and rhyme were pretty good for the most part. a little stretched at times, but nothing too major. i liked the story. the content was definitely the strong point in your verse. a gripping story that was well-told and ekpt me interested the whole read. good job

Q- mechanics were pretty nice. rhyme and flow weren't as good as they've been in the past for you, but i still thought they were at least as good if not slightly better than TR's. i was digging the imagery. Also, the content was pretty good. however, i think your story started out a little slow. it took a bit for me to get into your piece, when i did i liked it a lot, but TR's piece held my interest from start to finish, so he gets my vote.

Vote= TR

[Quriosity]

eye-rime advances, 5-2
eye-rime posts all links
thereturn fails to post 1 link
eye-rime still advances 5-1