[RD 1] 4. Cereal_Killer v. 13. Pent uP (VOTE NOW!)

Quriosity · 06-04-2008, 12:44 AM

VERSE DUE SATURDAY @ 11:59 PM EST
VOTES DUE MONDAY @ 11:59 PM EST

RSTL Official Rules & Regulations

Cereal_Killer · 06-04-2008, 01:43 AM

howdy champioooon hella nice match last week..

im thinkin of steppen it up this week heheh so g/l :0)

Pent uP · 06-04-2008, 05:23 PM

no extensions homies

im not nice in playoff mode

my verse is done btw

and Q/Luci/Jook -- for the rest of playoffs i dont allow any form of extensions, let it be known

VOTES:
Rico vs. DAD: [RD 1] 6. RICO v. 11. DaAlmightyDolla (VOTE NOW!)
Nom vs. IT: [RD 1] 8. nom de plume. v. 9. Infinite Truth (VOTE NOW!)
Nah Son vs. Baron: [RD 1] 1. Nah Son v. 16. Bodian (VOTE NOW!)
Eye-Rime vs. TheReturn: [RD 1] 5. Eye-Rime v. 12. TheReturn (VOTE NOW!)
Lucifa vs. GotLife: [RD 1] 2. Lucifa v. 15. Got Life? (VOTE NOW!)

Cereal_Killer · 06-06-2008, 09:20 PM

A restricted Crystal meth addiction, in the best of intension's
Mixes a vision so solemnly worn…
A fetus that breaches its sentence is born
through seizers with demons unsure of the creatures before
It morphs in the madness that contorts through the havoc
Of a fire that's thrust when we clutch on to baggage
To manage with a beat of detachment it weeps
As it suckles a teat of entrapment to sleep
So from the heated carnage that creeps
Soundly around its basket of dreams
It reaches a belief of the smartest degree
Insomnia
will set it free…

..

TWEAKED

…Insomnia

I scramble though cupboards of fallen memories
Stalling the short straw.. drawn to release
I clutch to the trust in this appalling remedy
Sure from my past.. I've at last mourned all I need
I clasp to a family portrait within a broke frame
I choke on the thought... what could have been changed
I lay my head upon a pillow of sorrow
Unsure of forgiveness.. will I tomorrow

I fall asleep…

My father paces the floor.. nails gnawed to the tip
Exploring the boundaries of a revelational shift
I watch as a witness to this come down of fits
Nothing could hit more profoundly then this
"You're a mistake..." as he waves his fist.. wielding a blade
The feeling of pain was the only way he could deal with the change
He stammers and stumbles as he viciously mumbles
Leaving my homely heart to splinter and crumble

Maple wood timber trimmed and smooth
I jimmy the last piece in my finished room
I sit back and review my concept now born
And yes true to from.. I try and accept the warmth
Enjoying the moment at what beauty can make
I bathe in fulfillment.. though not fully saved
A soft smile graces my face then stutters and rots
So I laugh at my past to cover it up

A violent scene of a frightened fiend
My mother.. I hug her through this violet dream
Bruised and beaten from all that I am seeing
Her arms show marks of a fallen human being
Still breathing in the dark... my dad goes for his kit
Puts another scar above her wrist.. careful not to slip
She eases into a coma with the strap still in dad's hand
I sit back and pray whilst she lay there pregnant

Today only fear remains I thought it was finished
So I pack my bags and head to the methadone clinic
No longer alone I can share what truths I have
Like a support beam for a team who's roof's collapsed
I talk to strangers with depression and pent up stress
People in danger of regression from relentless mess
I know what pain is and I can see they're hurt
Scarred across my heart maybe nothing will work

My brother screams through the night.. I hold him with honour
Dad left and my mother just lies high by the corner
My brother's still crying whilst I'm lost within myself
Trapped beneath a rock I need to find help
I think of what I've seen when mom is restless
I take hold of his arm and inject him with meth
6 days straight we lay their un-found
My tears dried up and his lifeless body on the ground

..

TOPIC
The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.
Henry David Thoreau

…REVELATION…
I ride the white horse into Never-Never Land
Knowing that only the past
…can measure a man…
I will stay awake and eventually forget
all that subsides in the back of my head

Pent uP · 06-07-2008, 01:13 AM

The Super Power Chronicles:
Mr. Telephone Man

As children, some of us develop imaginary friends
And some of us don't let go until our lifespans very end
A sad and scary thread that holds our concious together
Where if we listen to much we come off as thoughtless or clever
Opposite sides of a psyche that might seem drastic,
Yet
They potentially both point to psychiatric help

Which brings me to the subway train that I'm on
Explaining my wrongs to graffiti sprays on white walls
While lights flicker and I stare at bums requesting tips
clenching my nose closed to the stench of unattended piss
Glaring at a honeys legs, then hips, then her stunning, gentle lips
As they scrunch together with bubble gum descending quick...
It inflates and i think I'm certain that shroud might pop
The flickering stops for a second and our eyes lock
She approaches, hips swaying like a pendulum
A mindless sentance runs around while I bend my thumbs.
As she arrives, smiling and fiddling her blouse
with the question "Gum?" slipping out her mouth...
I think You could smell my breath from over there?
But say "Sure...." to gain some closure wear
She looks at me weirdly while handing me a stick
When, candidly, I rip a fart and start stammering some shit
While managing to think god, I hope she doesn't smell that
But her face wrinkled up as I paused and fell back
A dozen pests laughed, and it felt like a taunt to me
While Her demeanor of seduction was dieing constantly
So I started dropping random jokes that I didn't really think through
while wondering what breakfast she'd be into
The train stopped, she scoffed and said "Nice try you FREAK"
I thought I should've stuck with the wise guy technique
She got out and looked either scared, or just cautious
but I was prepared to get off this train and head to my therapists office
......getting off I thought of what I would of done to that girl
And I felt like Pac with all eyez on me in a blundering world

My thoughts continued until I got to his door
I knocked, and of course, wondered which problems I'd horde
This being our first session I wanted to remain locked up and sore
But when he opened up I was shocked to the core
Because his assistant was the honey from the train
And he already had my diagnosis, he cunningly explained.
bastard probly knows how much money he will gain
With my bill more than likely sitting on the window pane
Reassuringly The therapist smiled, "No, that would be too rude of me"
I sat down confused, unknown what I could truly percieve
My stomach turned a hundred germs as my hands would shake
and all the doc said was "start thinking of a random phrase
and repeat it in your head until you stand amazed"
half constrained, half confused; I glanced his way....
He had to be fucking with me so I switched the common thought
I wish your assistant would let me stick my dick in her cunt you FOB
I repeated until he stopped his recorder in a sudden pause
Played it back to reveal I had no inner monologue

All my dastardly deeds dawned alight faster than speed
All those girls' who's guts I managed to beat
Church ceremonies when I thought the pastor was weak
Speaking 2 thoughts at once, like when I'd brandish my glee
But felt outlandishly creeped or even stranded with peeps
And it sucks knowing no one said a DAMN in the least
Because all my imaginery friends were really laughing at me
Now I'm struggeling to conform to a normal pattern of speech

Got Life? · 06-08-2008, 07:51 PM

CK - fuck bro...that's one of my favorites from you to date...I think the structure of the piece made it very interesting in the way it played and transcended...the flow in that first stanza was brilliant and it stayed smooth throughout. I love the imagery and the progression that this piece took. Really smart and sharp piece of writing here.

Pent - I had trouble following the ending of this...like you lost me in the last stanza though the whole schitzo /w a psychiatrist thing has been long done and done much better by Chino XL...I unno this piece just missed the mark for me and really didn't reel me in.

vote = CK for a much more polished piece with a much better relatability factor.

Lucifa · 06-08-2008, 07:58 PM

Mod Talk : I haven't read verses yet .. and this is one battle I would have ruled GL? 'could not' vote on .. Pent uP has a say on whether this counts or not .. however .. that will be further down the line when an average vote can be seen as to whether this vote is malice/dickriding or not .. and I don't want no bullshit drama from you Eugene .. you shouldn't be in .. but I'm allowing it .. technically stepping on Qs toes as he made the ban call .. I won't be taking any crap though .. I can just as easily take you back out again ..

Lord Drama · 06-08-2008, 08:07 PM

CK - very tight piece you dropped my man... flow was butta... I had to take my time with this verse because it was written in a way that made u have to think about the process occuring between dream/reality... I would say the clarity isnt the best in some parts, like here is how I understood it, your a son, watching your mother have a baby that your dad doesnt want, and he ends up cutting the wrist of the mother? then she dies, but before she does the baby comes out, your brother, and witnessing all the crazy shit that just happened you decide to inject the baby and kill it? and you did it because you were on meth... and these are thoughts u have in your dreams of a reality that once happened... ok im pretty sure i get it, but I had to read it a few times, not sure others will... other than some wording that could have helped make the story more clear, I think this was a hot drop.. nice work

Pent up.. This was really creative to say the least... a very differnt style than ck came with, one where the encounters taking place between people, or should i say fake people, is more engaging in terms of what they are thinking, making me feel more connected to whats going on... flow was cool, about even with ck in that...There was some wording issues for me, but nothing that took away from what you were trying to get across in the story... the randomness of the thoughts/convo being portrayed really helped the imaginary characters have life..the fart stuff was kinda cheesy, im sure u could of had better discussion.....also considering the climax is his inner thoughts being released in therapy, I would have liked more detailed descriptions like what exactly was weak about the pastor, why fucking girls was bad...like none of the thoughts were really that bad, and so I dont get why the imaginery people would laugh or even have him freaking out...when it seems like everyone, including the doc he is going to see if made up in his head.. like it was all a dream... thats kinda how I got the piece... anyway a tight drop my dude.

CK
Originality - 91
Creativity - 93
Story/content 90
Flow - 91
Clairty - 90
Overall: (A-) 91%

Pent up
Originality - 92
Creativity - 94
Story/content 89
Flow - 90
Clairty - 89
Overall: (A-) 90.8%

close match could go either way
91>90.8 = CK

3-Planes · 06-09-2008, 12:10 AM

CK

you conveyed this dream-like (nightmarish) surreal atmosphere very well through careful and effective wording... this piece was very captivating with a display of mechanics with some experimental flair to i (it was swing and miss sometimes though)... got this weird feeling of déjà vu that i have read this before..

mr. P to the P

there were quite a few language issues with this piece, not necessarily grammatical errors but rather compressed and altered prounounciation (which i hate goddammit) the pace was frantic and the development fast but smooth (that's perhaps you're biggest strength as a writer - the natural transitions and the ability to keep a piece going like that) i thought this was high-larious

vote: Pent uP

it might be that i'm in a good mood and his piece just resonated with that vibe more

dope match up you two

Lucifa · 06-09-2008, 06:09 AM

good battle guys ..

CK - I must say I do quite like your verses when you fuck with this structure like that .. it worked really well here though as it shifted between actions and thoughts .. however I feel like the content got a little confusing in the swtich between talk of insomnia to the talk of methadone .. and the reasoning behind injecting his brother didn't come across so well .. it's being critical in the feedback considering I have to make a vote at the end .. but that was a negative for me .. not a major neg in terms of how much I liked the piece and I really did enjoy reading it .. more thought wouldn't have gone a miss but it still made for a pretty solid drop ..

Pent - I enjoyed that musical piece the other week and then you kinda went a little down hill .. but this def bought you back up .. the story was straight and I liked the flip on the imaginary friends deal .. not original as such .. but exectued pretty well .. the mechanics weren't very advanced but hardly newbish or weak .. it was a well told story for my money and one that I think will take you forward in this tourney ..

Vote = Pent uP .. I definitely see reason to prefer C_K's verse (although GL? is a grey area) as I think it's one of the best verses I've read from him .. however .. both were stories and I enjoyed Pents story and delivery of that story more .. C_K has something with structure method but for me the content just lacked sharpness here compared to Pent .. so Pent gets my vote .. good battle though ..

Quriosity · 06-09-2008, 10:35 AM

ck - though i began reading this several times and put off voting because i couldn't make it to the end of your verse, this time around i really found a genuine appreciation for your writing, overall i enjoyed this piece thoroughly in the content and approach at which you presented that content, creative although as usual the underlying concept has been used numerous times but most have and here i think the structure and actual presentation of the plot and selective information given to the reader made for more than a creative take and really added to the impact, there were flaws however that lessoned this impact at the same time such as the flow which started off nice then fell off then picked back up in at the methadone clinic excerpt and then slightly fell off again which made for an inconsistent rhythm in my mind, some of the words were stretching for a rhyme with 3 in particular being 'dad's hand/pregnant', 'mom is restless/with meth', and the closer, all minor in comparison to the overall content but all of threw me off long enough to disrupt my reading with a few other minor instances here and there, but overall i dug this and possibly one of the better pieces that i've read from you, good drop

pent - off jump there are a lot of syllabic issues that i think would have really tightened the flow and made for a smoother read, as is i continue to stop and reread a line while filling in the blanks in my head of syllables or words left out that would have made for a better flow, also at least two lines have already required the slower reading of one line to rhyme with the other which really disrupts the rhythm of a textually based verse that is read rather than heard over a beat, it means that i have to constantly backtrack and make lines fit together textually even though they may audibly fit, also i guess i'm out of the loop but the FOB line lost me as the only FOB that i know of is free on board shipping, regardless the ending didn't work for me here as it kind of threw off the story imo, i mean i get what you were going for at least i think i do but it in the fashion in which it came or in which the character realized that the people were not real (???) or something of that nature just seemed out of place to me and very abrupt, overall i just don't think this was strung together well as a whole, a valiant effort and a somewhat good/creative plot but the execution slightly failed for me, like the entire train scene and 'ripping a fart' never really added up or proved its significance and either this needed a more concise and thorough beginning to accompany the ending or a different ending to accompany such a beginning, but either could/should have been tweaked for effectiveness

vote - ck, for the most thorough of the two stories

TheReturn · 06-09-2008, 12:22 PM

CK - This piece actually really impressed me as I'm an insomniac too, and the line about going through the cupboard of memories really stood out to me. The inners used were done well, the piece kept me interested and I liked how you used the flashbacks as well, although I hate them being divided and aligned like that. Nice piece.

Pent - I don't know. I wasn't really into this much. I liked your last superhero piece about invisibility, but this one didn't really do it for me. It was written well, and flowed nicely, but the content just didn't live up to what CK gave to me this week. I've seen you bring alot more to the table.

Vote = CK

DaAlmightyDolla · 06-09-2008, 06:23 PM

ck

this fucked my head up the first couple of times i read it. im trying 2 piece 2gether all the random thoughts. it had a lil of everything from drugs to murder. its complexed to say the lease. the mechanics is there just the entertainment isnt. i could relate to some parts of it though. i give u props 4 challenging me 7.5- 8/10

pent

ur verse is the opposite. it had lil areas in which i didnt like. the stanza where u see the assistant at his office could have been done better. if the therapist turned out 2 be the chick it would have been more entertaining but that would have been predictable in itself. it felt so corny that i couldnt help but laugh cuz the vocab u used felt like the everyday man. the genuine feel of it like this could actually happen( especially the train scene) is wat got to me and made me enjoy it. overall 7.5/10

tough call here

even though overall cks verse just seemed better ill go with the verse i would rather enjoy reading again

v- pent

Infinite Truth · 06-09-2008, 08:10 PM

shit.

very different writing styles.

i think ck absolutely killed it.

ck... verrrrry poetic. some nice rhymes. nothing was forced. liked the pent up reference. used it well. linguistics were amazing & the imagery just as great. read smoothly & flowed well. overall the mechanics were brilliant.

pent... great verse. flow was smooth. even more so than ck's. rhyme scheme was aiight. a bit more complex rhyme scheme. overall smoother mechanics. but i just couldn't get as into your verse as i could ck's. yours was above average, yes, but slipped at times, whereas ck's remaining consistently excellent.

therefore,
vote- ck.

06-04-2008, 12:44 AM	#1 (permalink)
Quriosity Michael Clayton of Text Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Atlanta, Ga Posts: 19,097	[RD 1] 4. Cereal_Killer v. 13. Pent uP (VOTE NOW!) VERSE DUE SATURDAY @ 11:59 PM EST VOTES DUE MONDAY @ 11:59 PM EST RSTL Official Rules & Regulations __________________ .textmastersoftheuniverse. calefaction lucifa thereturn alias2 magus quriosity speedycalhoun johndough bonniebathory metasin sephiroth ((JOIN THE RBL NOW)) ►► CLICK ME, CLICK ME ◄◄ Last edited by J o o k; 06-04-2008 at 03:04 PM.

06-04-2008, 01:43 AM	#2 (permalink)
Cereal_Killer California Cornflakes Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In a tub of gutter glitter Posts: 3,180	howdy champioooon hella nice match last week.. im thinkin of steppen it up this week heheh so g/l :0) __________________ :·.·: cocaine, genius, insomnia :·.·: .·.cereal killer . got life . inf truth.·. .. You're not likely to see a green CK Unless you've got a ticket with MDA ..

06-06-2008, 09:20 PM	#4 (permalink)
Cereal_Killer California Cornflakes Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In a tub of gutter glitter Posts: 3,180	A restricted Crystal meth addiction, in the best of intension's Mixes a vision so solemnly worn… A fetus that breaches its sentence is born through seizers with demons unsure of the creatures before It morphs in the madness that contorts through the havoc Of a fire that's thrust when we clutch on to baggage To manage with a beat of detachment it weeps As it suckles a teat of entrapment to sleep So from the heated carnage that creeps Soundly around its basket of dreams It reaches a belief of the smartest degree Insomnia will set it free… .. TWEAKED …Insomnia I scramble though cupboards of fallen memories Stalling the short straw.. drawn to release I clutch to the trust in this appalling remedy Sure from my past.. I've at last mourned all I need I clasp to a family portrait within a broke frame I choke on the thought... what could have been changed I lay my head upon a pillow of sorrow Unsure of forgiveness.. will I tomorrow I fall asleep… My father paces the floor.. nails gnawed to the tip Exploring the boundaries of a revelational shift I watch as a witness to this come down of fits Nothing could hit more profoundly then this "You're a mistake..." as he waves his fist.. wielding a blade The feeling of pain was the only way he could deal with the change He stammers and stumbles as he viciously mumbles Leaving my homely heart to splinter and crumble Maple wood timber trimmed and smooth I jimmy the last piece in my finished room I sit back and review my concept now born And yes true to from.. I try and accept the warmth Enjoying the moment at what beauty can make I bathe in fulfillment.. though not fully saved A soft smile graces my face then stutters and rots So I laugh at my past to cover it up A violent scene of a frightened fiend My mother.. I hug her through this violet dream Bruised and beaten from all that I am seeing Her arms show marks of a fallen human being Still breathing in the dark... my dad goes for his kit Puts another scar above her wrist.. careful not to slip She eases into a coma with the strap still in dad's hand I sit back and pray whilst she lay there pregnant Today only fear remains I thought it was finished So I pack my bags and head to the methadone clinic No longer alone I can share what truths I have Like a support beam for a team who's roof's collapsed I talk to strangers with depression and pent up stress People in danger of regression from relentless mess I know what pain is and I can see they're hurt Scarred across my heart maybe nothing will work My brother screams through the night.. I hold him with honour Dad left and my mother just lies high by the corner My brother's still crying whilst I'm lost within myself Trapped beneath a rock I need to find help I think of what I've seen when mom is restless I take hold of his arm and inject him with meth 6 days straight we lay their un-found My tears dried up and his lifeless body on the ground .. TOPIC The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. Henry David Thoreau …REVELATION… I ride the white horse into Never-Never Land Knowing that only the past …can measure a man… I will stay awake and eventually forget all that subsides in the back of my head __________________ :·.·: cocaine, genius, insomnia :·.·: .·.cereal killer . got life . inf truth.·. .. You're not likely to see a green CK Unless you've got a ticket with MDA .. Last edited by Cereal_Killer; 06-08-2008 at 05:35 AM.

06-08-2008, 07:58 PM	#7 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	Mod Talk : I haven't read verses yet .. and this is one battle I would have ruled GL? 'could not' vote on .. Pent uP has a say on whether this counts or not .. however .. that will be further down the line when an average vote can be seen as to whether this vote is malice/dickriding or not .. and I don't want no bullshit drama from you Eugene .. you shouldn't be in .. but I'm allowing it .. technically stepping on Qs toes as he made the ban call .. I won't be taking any crap though .. I can just as easily take you back out again .. __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running

06-08-2008, 08:07 PM	#8 (permalink)
Lord Drama Patriotic Poetic Prisoner Join Date: Dec 1999 Location: U district Posts: 1,285	CK - very tight piece you dropped my man... flow was butta... I had to take my time with this verse because it was written in a way that made u have to think about the process occuring between dream/reality... I would say the clarity isnt the best in some parts, like here is how I understood it, your a son, watching your mother have a baby that your dad doesnt want, and he ends up cutting the wrist of the mother? then she dies, but before she does the baby comes out, your brother, and witnessing all the crazy shit that just happened you decide to inject the baby and kill it? and you did it because you were on meth... and these are thoughts u have in your dreams of a reality that once happened... ok im pretty sure i get it, but I had to read it a few times, not sure others will... other than some wording that could have helped make the story more clear, I think this was a hot drop.. nice work Pent up.. This was really creative to say the least... a very differnt style than ck came with, one where the encounters taking place between people, or should i say fake people, is more engaging in terms of what they are thinking, making me feel more connected to whats going on... flow was cool, about even with ck in that...There was some wording issues for me, but nothing that took away from what you were trying to get across in the story... the randomness of the thoughts/convo being portrayed really helped the imaginary characters have life..the fart stuff was kinda cheesy, im sure u could of had better discussion.....also considering the climax is his inner thoughts being released in therapy, I would have liked more detailed descriptions like what exactly was weak about the pastor, why fucking girls was bad...like none of the thoughts were really that bad, and so I dont get why the imaginery people would laugh or even have him freaking out...when it seems like everyone, including the doc he is going to see if made up in his head.. like it was all a dream... thats kinda how I got the piece... anyway a tight drop my dude. CK Originality - 91 Creativity - 93 Story/content 90 Flow - 91 Clairty - 90 Overall: (A-) 91% Pent up Originality - 92 Creativity - 94 Story/content 89 Flow - 90 Clairty - 89 Overall: (A-) 90.8% close match could go either way 91>90.8 = CK __________________ 3lit3 University of Washington Drama's RSTL GRADE REPORT: A 95-100% \| A- 90-94% \| B 85-89% \| B- 80-84% \| C 75-79% C- 70-74% \| D 65-69% \| D- 60-64% \| F 59% and below

06-09-2008, 12:10 AM	#9 (permalink)
3-Planes the assman Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: sweden Posts: 517	CK you conveyed this dream-like (nightmarish) surreal atmosphere very well through careful and effective wording... this piece was very captivating with a display of mechanics with some experimental flair to i (it was swing and miss sometimes though)... got this weird feeling of déjà vu that i have read this before.. mr. P to the P there were quite a few language issues with this piece, not necessarily grammatical errors but rather compressed and altered prounounciation (which i hate goddammit) the pace was frantic and the development fast but smooth (that's perhaps you're biggest strength as a writer - the natural transitions and the ability to keep a piece going like that) i thought this was high-larious vote: Pent uP it might be that i'm in a good mood and his piece just resonated with that vibe more dope match up you two __________________ Three Planes Aligned

06-09-2008, 06:09 AM	#10 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	good battle guys .. CK - I must say I do quite like your verses when you fuck with this structure like that .. it worked really well here though as it shifted between actions and thoughts .. however I feel like the content got a little confusing in the swtich between talk of insomnia to the talk of methadone .. and the reasoning behind injecting his brother didn't come across so well .. it's being critical in the feedback considering I have to make a vote at the end .. but that was a negative for me .. not a major neg in terms of how much I liked the piece and I really did enjoy reading it .. more thought wouldn't have gone a miss but it still made for a pretty solid drop .. Pent - I enjoyed that musical piece the other week and then you kinda went a little down hill .. but this def bought you back up .. the story was straight and I liked the flip on the imaginary friends deal .. not original as such .. but exectued pretty well .. the mechanics weren't very advanced but hardly newbish or weak .. it was a well told story for my money and one that I think will take you forward in this tourney .. Vote = Pent uP .. I definitely see reason to prefer C_K's verse (although GL? is a grey area) as I think it's one of the best verses I've read from him .. however .. both were stories and I enjoyed Pents story and delivery of that story more .. C_K has something with structure method but for me the content just lacked sharpness here compared to Pent .. so Pent gets my vote .. good battle though .. __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running

06-09-2008, 10:35 AM	#11 (permalink)
Quriosity Michael Clayton of Text Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Atlanta, Ga Posts: 19,097	ck - though i began reading this several times and put off voting because i couldn't make it to the end of your verse, this time around i really found a genuine appreciation for your writing, overall i enjoyed this piece thoroughly in the content and approach at which you presented that content, creative although as usual the underlying concept has been used numerous times but most have and here i think the structure and actual presentation of the plot and selective information given to the reader made for more than a creative take and really added to the impact, there were flaws however that lessoned this impact at the same time such as the flow which started off nice then fell off then picked back up in at the methadone clinic excerpt and then slightly fell off again which made for an inconsistent rhythm in my mind, some of the words were stretching for a rhyme with 3 in particular being 'dad's hand/pregnant', 'mom is restless/with meth', and the closer, all minor in comparison to the overall content but all of threw me off long enough to disrupt my reading with a few other minor instances here and there, but overall i dug this and possibly one of the better pieces that i've read from you, good drop pent - off jump there are a lot of syllabic issues that i think would have really tightened the flow and made for a smoother read, as is i continue to stop and reread a line while filling in the blanks in my head of syllables or words left out that would have made for a better flow, also at least two lines have already required the slower reading of one line to rhyme with the other which really disrupts the rhythm of a textually based verse that is read rather than heard over a beat, it means that i have to constantly backtrack and make lines fit together textually even though they may audibly fit, also i guess i'm out of the loop but the FOB line lost me as the only FOB that i know of is free on board shipping, regardless the ending didn't work for me here as it kind of threw off the story imo, i mean i get what you were going for at least i think i do but it in the fashion in which it came or in which the character realized that the people were not real (???) or something of that nature just seemed out of place to me and very abrupt, overall i just don't think this was strung together well as a whole, a valiant effort and a somewhat good/creative plot but the execution slightly failed for me, like the entire train scene and 'ripping a fart' never really added up or proved its significance and either this needed a more concise and thorough beginning to accompany the ending or a different ending to accompany such a beginning, but either could/should have been tweaked for effectiveness vote - ck, for the most thorough of the two stories __________________ .textmastersoftheuniverse. calefaction lucifa thereturn alias2 magus quriosity speedycalhoun johndough bonniebathory metasin sephiroth ((JOIN THE RBL NOW)) ►► CLICK ME, CLICK ME ◄◄ Last edited by Quriosity; 06-09-2008 at 10:36 AM.

06-09-2008, 12:22 PM	#12 (permalink)
TheReturn Life of the Party Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Memph-10 Posts: 4,531	CK - This piece actually really impressed me as I'm an insomniac too, and the line about going through the cupboard of memories really stood out to me. The inners used were done well, the piece kept me interested and I liked how you used the flashbacks as well, although I hate them being divided and aligned like that. Nice piece. Pent - I don't know. I wasn't really into this much. I liked your last superhero piece about invisibility, but this one didn't really do it for me. It was written well, and flowed nicely, but the content just didn't live up to what CK gave to me this week. I've seen you bring alot more to the table. Vote = CK __________________ The Republican Party Since the start of the Iraq war, 7 million Americans have died from ABORTION. [.txt] MASTERS/ the universe Yes, as in the entire universe.

06-09-2008, 06:23 PM	#13 (permalink)
DaAlmightyDolla The Ecc3ntric 1 Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: outside the box but within my own mind Posts: 8,357	ck this fucked my head up the first couple of times i read it. im trying 2 piece 2gether all the random thoughts. it had a lil of everything from drugs to murder. its complexed to say the lease. the mechanics is there just the entertainment isnt. i could relate to some parts of it though. i give u props 4 challenging me 7.5- 8/10 pent ur verse is the opposite. it had lil areas in which i didnt like. the stanza where u see the assistant at his office could have been done better. if the therapist turned out 2 be the chick it would have been more entertaining but that would have been predictable in itself. it felt so corny that i couldnt help but laugh cuz the vocab u used felt like the everyday man. the genuine feel of it like this could actually happen( especially the train scene) is wat got to me and made me enjoy it. overall 7.5/10 tough call here even though overall cks verse just seemed better ill go with the verse i would rather enjoy reading again v- pent __________________ <~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~> I can kill every single last 1 of you but then who will be left to make me feel superior? *** Code Geass = your fav animes favorite anime *** Negro in '08 , Sp1c in '12? <~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~>

06-09-2008, 08:10 PM	#14 (permalink)
Infinite Truth ...scatterboxx rocks. Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: four one three. Posts: 7,966	shit. very different writing styles. i think ck absolutely killed it. ck... verrrrry poetic. some nice rhymes. nothing was forced. liked the pent up reference. used it well. linguistics were amazing & the imagery just as great. read smoothly & flowed well. overall the mechanics were brilliant. pent... great verse. flow was smooth. even more so than ck's. rhyme scheme was aiight. a bit more complex rhyme scheme. overall smoother mechanics. but i just couldn't get as into your verse as i could ck's. yours was above average, yes, but slipped at times, whereas ck's remaining consistently excellent. therefore, vote- ck.