[WK 10] 23. Smoke Trail 0-0 v. 24. Vigil 0-0 (Vote Now!)

[Quriosity]

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[Smoke Trail]

hand check 1...2

1. 3plane vs CK - [WK 10] 5. Cereal Killa 3-1 v. 6. 3-Planes 2-0 (Vote Now!)
2. IT vs Bodian - [WK 10] CONTENDERSHIP: 3. Bodian 5-0 v. 4. Infinite Truth 3-0 (Vote Now!)
3. Meta vs Lucy- [WK 10] CHAMPIONSHIP: 1. Lucifa 18-5 v. 2. MetaSin 6-1 (Vote Now!)
4. Blazin vs Linxz - [WK 10] 17. Linxz 0-1 v. 18. Blazin' 0-1 (Vote Now!)
5. Chapter vs Basic - [WK 10] 19. Chapter II 0-1 v. 20. basic|s|kill 0-0 (Vote Now!)

[Smoke Trail]

This filthy slab of bricks is my ghastly habitat
The colonized vicinity of sons, daughters, and dads
Where the past haunts, lingers, and smacks
…each one of us – not hidden behind any masks
No laughs - just joyless tasks of pointlessness
Nightmares shaded by dreams with curtains of bliss
What is my purpose in this race of abandonment?
Was I a bad child? Why couldn’t they handle this?
All memories forgotten besides his hand and fists
Welcome to the diary of a beaten damaged kid

September 3, 2006

Early morning dew settles at the sight of surprise
My father starting on a few cans as my mother arrives
She begins sweeping, cleaning, taking the garbage outside
He continues drinking and drinking until he’s out of his mind
A fight erupts, over nothing at all
His grip on reality blinded
Rips her shirt off followed by her bra
Ravishing her with mindlessness
I’m saddened, seeing the pain in her eyes
Watching my father beat the suppose love of his life
After she lay without movement
His pursuit directs towards me
The aroma of ruthlessness
Surrounds as he accompanies me
A right, followed by a left and a swift kick to boot
And that’s why I sit here always cleaning these shoes

I do this for free – no charge is needed
Because I believe I prohibited other people from grieving
Maybe a man with clean kicks is well
He can forget his problems and not continue to dwell
If I can stop a father from beating his child
My purpose is fulfilled and my life worth wild
Some think I’m crazy, sort of a different kind
But I like to think I’m simply helping to change a life

[Vigil]

Iraq: Society Under Siege


dark days in arabian nights where children are raised to fight
so while I sit here in my safe life, unphased, spending days to write
there's over a million unborn soldiers trying to make their way despite
marksmen who are gun-blazin, it's hell raising, an amazing sight
to see the deacon preaching with might, shining the beacon of light
screaming "take arms and unite even if it means you'll get beaten tonight"
but there's no real leader in sight,
just concealed cheetahs weeping with fright who seek to divide
they're too weak to decide, that's why they either cheat or lie
and they're barely sneaking by cause under those robes
lies men with ambitions without any wonder or scope.
They're making speeches, teaching islam while reaching for bombs
just a bunch of leeches in ponds seeking to be a more evil saddam
And it's hard to recede into a calm
some say this is in God's hands as if their reading his palm
but the only fortune tellers in this land speak a different tongue
the biggest elephant in the room has something hidden in its trunk
and these mercenaries are land sharks who bore soldier names
firing with torture flames in crowds they were never supposed to aim
this is their land, its what they've chose to claim
its the same old game with new foes to blame
a whole society under siege, some have rose to fame
but most are toast with not even the slightest bit of bread to eat
you comply or get told to spread your feet,
then shipped to a cell with an emply bed and no threads of sheet
where they lie down and have their heads get beat
this is where the dead are meek, the living are outnumbered
and the living dead are given a number while driven to slumber
its complete chaos in this torture field, prisoners come by name
and its all chance so call this war by what it is, a numbers game.

[Lucifa]

close and tough to vote ..

Smoke - I'll start with the negatives .. 1st would be the opening 2 lines .. that follow up line felt so forced it was pretty tragic .. lol .. but my main 'problem' with this verse is the idea behind him cleaning shoes .. now I know we're talking about the reasoning and rationalisation of a child .. but you could have linked the 2 stories together better by atleast having the dad flip out because his wife hadn't cleaned his shoes or something that relates to why the kid chose to clean people's shoes for free .. that said .. the read was alright .. that 1st stanza although starting off on the wrong foot soon picked up and I got in to the read .. so it ended up feeling a bit like a weakish story written to a decent standard .. not a bad read but could have used a little more focus on the plot ..

Vigil - again .. I'll start with the negative .. and that's the clicheness of this piece .. it all felt like I'd read it before .. and even read it written in a similar style .. there was no feel of uniqueness or individuality in how you tackled this subject matter .. that's the reason most rstl writers will try to avoid using a topical piece about a current event like war .. as it's hard to be fresh with it .. and this wasn't fresh .. the mechanics behind keying a verse were apparent .. although the vocab (nor structure) didn't raise the verse to a higher level either .. it was straight .. and that's about it ..

Vote = Smoke Trail .. the no show kid decides to grace the league .. it wasn't a great battle but it wasn't extremely weak either .. it was close as there were things to like about each .. but for the lasting appeal .. I would personally prefer to read Smoke's verse again .. so he gets the vote ..

[4th Dimension]

smoke trail:

the flow was decent throughout with some parts better than others, the story itself had potential but i felt this could have been a little more in depth in description, also the unveiling of the plot or the thesis rather was weak in wording and hurt a lot, the 'kick the boot' line which should have been part of the most important couplet of the entire verse was sacrificed to rhyme with its partner, not a good look but overall this was creative and i enjoyed the just of it

vigil:

much stronger display of talent and yet you fell way short of delivering anything along the same lines of creativity, this was a dope open mic piece but nothing new, the flow was noteworthy and as for the topic you did do quite well with it but this concept has been overused so many times by so many people on so many different sites that its so hard to give credit, neat tie in to the picture though and this was definitely your match to win, i guess you should've second guessed yourself here

im a bit disappointed and torn between the two because the second was clearly better in mechanics than the first but the first had the better story although the most important part of it was sacrificed

2 short stories that are too close to call, but vote: vigil, although i hate to say it but your display of talent overpowered his story being that it was too abrupt and vague to offer any real emotion, but his idea completely trumped yours and had the potential of being the doper piece

close match here, props to both for showing up

[Cereal_Killer]

Smoke:
fairly tight rhythm to this, nicely structured and what i enjoyed the most about this was the unique wording used in occasion it really complemented your piece.. Story wise short but with a sweet meaning behind it.. all in all a good drop.

vigil:
I was def liking for most part the flow in this.. some well delivered multis that i think you pulled off pretty good.. The whole Iraq war to me is a lil played out but meh i like the whole numbers metaphor was ok.. Fairly strong piece for what it was.. Nice dude.

vote = smoke trail

He just had a more interesting read imo.. gl guys.. pz

[MetaSin]

Smoke. This was an okay story, atleast creative to a certain degree. I think you needed some more detail to connect the dad's drunken rage to the kid's emotions and actions, but overall it was okay. Your rhyming was more approximate than actual, and sometimes I didn't like the end words. Your rhyme pattern was okay, as you switched to an abab format for a second, which I also like to use. I wish this story had been longer, but it wasn't bad for what it was. I also think that even though your verse reflects your picture, it wasn't outstanding.

Vigil. Lucy is right that most RSTL writers would stray away from cliche topics, but I'm a fan of any writing that is done well. A unique topic can still result in a crappy verse, just as a played topic can be outstanding. Yours was neither, but leaned more to a solid written piece with good structure, and although the flow isn't as short as most prefer, I found the rhythm real well. I think you're touching on a topic more used than Smoke, but slightly better. Also, I think your verse reflected the emotion of your picture better than Smoke's.

My Vote is for Vigil. You get this based on these lines that I really liked:

but most are toast with not even the slightest bit of bread to eat
you comply or get told to spread your feet,
then shipped to a cell with an emply bed and no threads of sheet
where they lie down and have their heads get beat
this is where the dead are meek, the living are outnumbered
and the living dead are given a number while driven to slumber
its complete chaos in this torture field, prisoners come by name
and its all chance so call this war by what it is, a numbers game.

good battle.

[3-Planes]

smoke:

pretty nifty idea - although i'm a bit allergic to heartbreak and sob stories... i think you should've established and anchored this shoe thing better in the set-up - that would've made your story alot more satisfying... i'd say tighten up your rhymes a little, i like that you don't bother with "perfect" rhymes (as what's really important is the flow), but i had a hard time connecting a few lines... overall pretty tight piece for such short length


vigil:

i like your visuals - used nicely here to spice up a topic that felt a bit stale and boring. you have some vivid imagery and if you would've used that and applied it to another concept i think you would've had this one... some of your mutltis were broken (not symmetrical, the syllable count was off)

overall: smoke just had the more intruging piece here, in a battle that was a pretty good showcase for "short-n-sweet"

vote: Smoke Trail

cool match up

[basic|s|kill]

Smoke trail:
Your verse had more originality. You put a nice spin on the concept and your imagery, particularly about the mother and father, was spot on. However, I did find some of your rhymes a bit stretched, a few of the long words you used seemed to have been thrown in without enough thought.

My favourite section was:

A fight erupts, over nothing at all
His grip on reality blinded
Rips her shirt off followed by her bra
Ravishing her with mindlessness
I’m saddened, seeing the pain in her eyes
Watching my father beat the suppose love of his life

Vigil:
I preferred your rhyme scheme, flow felt better to me. I thought you flipped this topic quite well, and personally don't think you should avoid topics like this. However, at times it felt like you dropped a line or too of cliche just to keep up the flow - but then I guess everyone has to do this at times.

My favourite section was:

And it's hard to recede into a calm
some say this is in God's hands as if their reading his palm
but the only fortune tellers in this land speak a different tongue
the biggest elephant in the room has something hidden in its trunk

Overall, a tight battle. Better than other voters are making out IMO. I'd give this one to Smoke Trail though, I preferred his more original take on his topic an dlove his middle section.

Vote = Smoke Trail

[life_support]

SMOKE TRAIL

You had an okay idea here. You may want to consider spell and grammer check though. The rhyme scheme was inevitable, the ending wasn't to surprising or good. The picture tied in well though, and I also liked the journal setup. The ending was just to foreshadowed throughout the story and played out.

VIGIL

Ok. The picture I understand as with the topic as well. The ending was probably the best part. The story seemed to run on and run together. A very hard piece to actually concentrate on..not b/c it is hard to understand but the entire piece seemed forced and at parts the rhyme scheme is off. You may want to subtract all the color from your lines and replace it with substance.

OVERALL

Both topics very played out would like to see more creativeness from each artist. Also as stated earlier rhyme scheme and interest lacked in places. Positive thoughts on the pieces both were relevant to the pictures and qoute. Just want to see more originality better display.

VOTE: SMOKETRAIL due to his story actually seemed to be an emotional attachment and he tuned into this..sorry vigil story just didn't hold me.

[Lucifa]

Smoke Trail wins 5- -2 .. Vigil loses 4 votes with no voting links ..