9. Stars€reen 0-2 v. 10. Daht Cahm 1-1 (Vote Now!)

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Old 03-17-2008, 09:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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9. Stars€reen 0-2 v. 10. Daht Cahm 1-1 (Vote Now!)






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Old 03-17-2008, 10:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!
Check. Good luck.
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Old 03-17-2008, 03:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Old 03-19-2008, 07:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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At a work party and I see this fine young lady right under the mistletoe
Her lips make me quiver like that Don’t open till Christmas bow
Those fuck me eyes how they glisten so, even off her subtle imperfections
And I don’t remember walking, I just, float in her direction
Her legs crossed so succulent like I’d imagine the yellow brick road’s intersections
Which doesn’t hold a candle to that hour glass figure, tight top which hints at breasts and
Type of girl you’d have to masturbate before even conversing with…
…in fear of exploding just from her words
Nothing absurd or that I haven’t heard.
But her lips dance in perfect harmony with her tongue around verbs
Sure, her physique seems flawless and her legs are in a class by their self
It’s like their drunk, because they just up and make an ass of themselves
The body I would imagine at one point belonged to Aphrodite
And though she might be, a goddess amongst beats I think she’d grow to like me
Cunning wit, not GQ but slightly. So I see how long I can hold her stare
Because if I can hold her there.
I can ask if by chance she knows the weight of a polar bear.
She giggles a no, and as if an angel breath blows her hair,
I reply with “Enough to break the ice”
She gently gives her I shake it twice,
hard enough to mean it, but light enough to make it nice
I ask for her name, she smiles Maria.
Eloquently subtle; she leans in, the crowds so near
I can feel her breath on my neck, as she makes the claim “It’s too loud in here”
She nods towards the door, like let’s get out of here,
The shakes worn off I stand on my own
As if she’s got a leash on me I follow her to the land of unknown
Down the hall towards the offices,
Her hips swing to the beating of my heart
Heels tap dance under her for ages wherever she’s leading me is seemingly so far
But I’d let her lead me to the gates of hell if that’s where her heart desired
So gorgeous that if she told me to I’d walk up and stick my private parts in the fire
She opens one of the doors,
Glancing over her shoulder with that smile that drives me crazy
I enter to her sitting on the desk, as she asks


“Is that polar bear light enough for the desk baby?”


With a slight stutter I laugh, almost sure it’s a test,
She looks in my eyes, unties the straps to her dress
My heart is thumping, as it drops in my chest,
The straps slide down her shoulders frankly I’m impressed
She sighs as she pulls my tie and my chest intertwines with her breasts,
I tingle as she plays with my pants
Uncontrollable hands, as I caress her cheeks and let our tongues collide
In a magnificent dance
She unfastens my belt, I unsnap her bra.
And lucky for my jaw, the floor broke it’s fall
Because the site that I saw,
Would make the gayest man’s penis proudly stand tall
Circumference not even accountable, not custom like plastic but like god hand crafted
Smooth as a baby these things were sand blasted, moving towards her thigh my hands slide past it
She’s got my pants around my ankles now,
And standing with something that’d put most flag poles to shame
Kick my pants off like a goal was made, I slide my hand up her thigh, no panties, no complaints
She hikes up her dress, doesn’t bother removing it. She takes my courage in her hand, guides it close
Her cheek rides my nose, eyes are closed,
my ear lobe on her lip and as I push, slide, thighs rose
She pants on my neck, her breath is warm as her legs figure four my waist as if to say “never leave”
I judge my speed by how hard she breathes, from the desk to the table, doggy to her on top of me
I never stopped to see, that in a matter of minutes her husband, stands atop of me, it was picture perfect
As if not even nervous, she pulls me close, finger nails break skin as she whispers “make it worth it”
My hips move faster, her hairline gets moist with sweat, she’s ready to explode, I can feel it in her grip
My teeth gentley feel her lips, the same time she begins to cum, he gets a gun, her legs around my hips
Her eyes grow wide, the bullet enters my brain, as the last… drop… drips


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Old 03-19-2008, 10:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Unexpected terror

I'm running on a beach with black sand. With this --
..God created man, with his bare hands --
I explore the lands. Through the bottles and cans --
the sun on my skin, skipping rocks.. getting tanned --

witness the colors triggered in the horizon. No pastel's could match --
Then my little brother calls my Verizon, and asks where I’m at --
it was about my mother.. and since the foggy night my dad past away --
she couldn't stand to stay at home alone and been gone for three days --

Our relationship. Needless to say, was strange sometimes --
the situation had me drained, trying' to rearrange our lives --
the inner hatred has altered the frame of my mind --
but I won't change rage blinds.. how u think and decide --

Our love died, we never hugged just cried --
with no structure, just lies. Another covered in disguise --
a constant struggle. Sort of like the huxtable's revised --
I blame my mother.. for all the pain and suffering inside --

Imagine driving in your car, the sun reflecting off your rear view mirror,
windows down. Riding with the radio down just enough, to hear the sounds of nature.
Have you ever had so much on your mind, that’s its impossible to focus on anything
at all.


EMERGENCY BROADCAST ALERT
Indications that a small underwater earthquake have occurred.
The advisory as follows..

Many Will Survive the Earthquake
Heed Natural Warnings
Heed Official Warnings
Expect Many Waves
Head for High Ground and Stay There
Abandon Belongings
Don’t Count on the Roads
Go to an Upper Floor or Roof of a Building
Climb a Tree
Climb onto Something that Floats
Expect the Waves to Leave Debris
Expect Quakes to Lower Coastal Land
Expect Company ..


Ready?..

I respect my brother for his bravery. He just wanted happiness for us --
it's more of a catastrophe, their’s nothing we can casually discuss --
in the event of a tragedy, a casualty carried in the flood --
I couldn't stand the thought, and felt like I could actually erupt --

I was confident in my search at first, then things got worse --
I feel accursed. From hunger and thirst. No energy burst --
wondering what would it feel like to have to wonder the earth --
and what a curse it must be given for a woman to birth --

I went by the old neighborhood to check, not knowing what to expect --
I held my breath, as the echo from the wooden door repped --
I got back in the car, then thought of the approach I would take --
I hope this isn't over dope, I'm barely able to cope with today --

With tears in my eyes, I stop at a redlight..there's a rumbling sound --
I heard it getting louder, reminds me of a thundering sound --
I saw two tall buildings, engulfed in water started tumbling down --
pedestrians walking on the street, started running around --

Where is this bitch?..

I fled from the car, left the door ajar and ran up the nearest stairs --
it was an apartment complex, I secured the top door with a chair --
then prepared to plot an escape, but how can I win this race --
then I saw in the laundry mat upstairs, a familiar face --

smoking base. I had to replace the thoughts in mind --
We had to reach safety, safely. Before we lost any time --
I couldn't get caught...in this rush of trash and debris --
We had to find a way to the roof, and make a raft at least --

The waters coming constant, I could hear screams in the current --
I hurried, each second getting more and more worried --
We ran across the building, the only way to bail is to jump --
then we found a ladder and propped it on the rail in the front --

I'll go first she said, and as she climbed on the bar --
her hand slipped, she fell down and drowned from a far --
don't take anything for granted, it took me years to see --
how to get over hate and fear and I still believe..

Last edited by Stars€reen; 03-19-2008 at 10:14 PM.
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Old 03-20-2008, 02:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Daht Cahm - The story of a wife cheating and the jealous husband ending in someone's death has been beaten into the ground, but you made it entertaining as fuck. The drunk legs standing up to make an ass of themselves line, phenomenal. And I laughed out loud at the polar bear pick up line. The descriptions were done really well, and I liked how you built it up more and more to the orgasm and simultaneously ended it with the gunshot. Definitely an enjoyable read.

StarsCreen - I didn't get much out of this verse to be honest. I mean it was a new concept I guess, but I just wasn't interested in it. Seemed too, unrealistic. I mean if you see a tidal wave wipe out two buildings, why would you run into a building and start heading for the roof. And what's the point of barring the door with a chair, like that would help anything? I mean some of it was written pretty well, I just couldn't get into the plot at all, and the ending didn't really pull it together for me, I didn't see the connection to the rest of the piece. I don't know, some work could be done to make this one better I think.

Vote - Daht Cahm Naht Orgh Nohr Eedeeyu Ohr Guhv
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Old 03-20-2008, 06:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Daht - good shit .. I looked at it in it's purple dress and chaotic line structure and thought it was going to be a chore to read .. but I was pleasently surprised once I started reading .. but as TR points out .. done to death is an understatement as far as the concept goes .. I was reading thinking it's going only 1 of 2 ways .. it's a transexual or the bf/husband catches them .. nothing fresh in what you wrote about .. but how you wrote about it was a different matter .. solid wording and imagery with a pretty smooth flow helping the eyes caress her body .. nothing for originality .. but plenty of points for everything else .. nice job ..

Star - I don't really know what to say .. aspects of this were straight but other areas lacked for me .. and the main area was content .. last week you had a sci-fi story and that's cool .. takes creativity and imagery to pull it off though .. and last week you had stronger mechanics inside a shorter verse than here .. this dragged on and never gave me as a reader any entertainment from the story .. it felt flat and didn't really engage with any emotions whilst reading .. you could have worked on wording it better to show the panic and rush of escaping the flood ..

Vote = Daht Cahm .. the look of the verse is off putting .. but the content was really enjoyable to read .. really nice verse .. if lacking in originality ..
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Old 03-20-2008, 07:48 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Daht - I feel kind of repetitive as I already told you what I thought about this, but anyway...this topic has been done to death as previously stated...and the purple is fucking gay...you homo...but anyway...the verse was cool though, the read was very smooth and easy to follow, the imagery worked, and I think your execution was very good though the piece itself was bland.

Star - the 4 bar break up's the way you structured this is effective when writing audios that only you are going to read as you spit...you want to smoothen out your structure so that it's more pleasant to read...then you don't want to do things like that public warning, w/o actually rhyming it...just typing shit is considered a cop out in this league where you're supposed to tell your story through rhymes...also the transitions in the piece were weak and left gaping holes between what was this really all about. I think you definitely have some creative ideas lodged in the back of your head, you're just having trouble executing.

vote = Daht Cahm for superior execution.
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Old 03-20-2008, 09:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Daht:
This verse was a big let down. "Your fucked yours bosses wife" <I suppose you did that well, but that's all. You didn't even post the topic in case some1 forgot it. That story was just describing the approach and sex, the interesting part would've been the aftermath, which you concluded would take place in heaven...or hell. I felt that was too much settling (even if you did get the nut off).

Screen:
Honestly, I saw where this was going, but towards the end, I got somewhat let down. I think your ending could've been stronger. The italic and bold parts through me of and far as the flow of the verse, but as a story, they were cool. I just thought you could've did more...

V=Daht (for execution ONLY!!!)
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Old 03-20-2008, 10:07 AM   #10 (permalink)
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calm..
if ur line swerent stetched as fuck i think u would have gone pass the limit. which i think happened and u just clicked backspace lol. the story wasnt original or should i say the concept but u did with it what u could. plz no colors next time. no big twist at the end it was just str8 up sex. not a bad read 7/10

screen..
i actually liked ur verse more than the others. it flowed well 4 me and it was written nice. it felt like a movie after a while except 4 1 problem. it felt all over the place like there wasnt a common link. this happened than this happened. u focused on ur brother than mentioned ur mom 4 a sec. was she the familiar face at the end? if so what happened to your bro. if it was thought out better u would have easily gotten the vote but 2 many holes left open. the alert was ok but not needed. 7.0/10

if i could i would vote it a tie but im a perv so vote

calm
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Old 03-20-2008, 11:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Why does everyone assume that every story has to have a huge twist? Who cares if you can predict the ending. As long as it's good along the way. I know the topic has been done. But I wasn't in the mood to write so I had a friend pick a topic at random.

Appreciate the critisizm. I will work at get better.
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Old 03-20-2008, 02:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Daht Cahm: Well aside from what everyone else said, I liked your verse, i dont know if its because I did the same topic, but I just liked it, i mean it flowed nicely and you pulled the dialougue off beautifully.

Starscreen: I honestly dont know what this was, I mean the flow was on point and the rhyme scheme was there, but as a reader, at the end I was just like 'WHAT???"

Vote: Daht Cahm, for having a more understandable verse
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Old 03-20-2008, 04:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Daht. I liked this for the most part... I think it took a few lines for the flow to become smooth, but at other points toward the end I felt it was a bit off... I like the way you describe thing, and I must say that pussy must have been BOMB, lmao. I don't need a ridiculous ending, but I did happen to forget that particular topic since you didn't post it.

Star... This wasn't bad, but I think it lacked direction... like u had a beginning, a middle, and an end surrounded and tied together with some filler bars... Also climbing on top of a building, locking the door, then trying to use a ladder to climb down was a bit of a weird sequence. I do think that if executed well you could've won this, but in this instance, it just wasn't enough.

Vote Daht...
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Old 03-20-2008, 05:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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daht cahm - you must be more of a poet than you are a rhyme slayer, and that isnt a diss in any way, it was just the format of your verse. alot of people opt for that format (baron, pent up, etc). but it makes the reader have to slow down and really find the flow of it IMO. i liked the story, i just wish it would have flowed a little better and have been structured a little better. not a bad drop






star- your verse was pretty much a generic verse in my eyes. the flow was very forced and it made me lose interest very early on in your verse. i can see where your going with it, and i can respect the storyline you went with. but your main flaw was the whole way you structured your verse and the way it flowed. it seems the both of you were hurting in format this round. but a decent read





vote - daht cahm
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Old 03-20-2008, 05:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
The Poster Child
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 143
Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!Daht Cahm OWNZ YOU!