11. Sephiroth 2-3 v. 12. Inkwell (chris) 3-2 (Vote now!)

[Quriosity]

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[-Sephiroth-]

here.

13. Dougie G 2-3 v. 14. Master Peace 0-1 (Vote Now!)

[inkwell (chris)]

http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...1#post15508523
21. Condescending 0-0 v. 22. DeadKing 0-0 (Vote Now!)
5. Lucifa 14-5 v. 6. Pain 3-1 (Vote Now!)
15. TheReturn 10-2 v. 16. LDogg 4-3 (Vote Now!)

[inkwell (chris)]

req 20 min ext PLZ!

[inkwell (chris)]

Oh, life! Look at this quaint house!
Look at this home life - boy with his face down.
Oh, light! They didn’t pull the shades down!
Cuz your gold-bright! Even when it’s gray out.
Oh, sight! You see that his name’s Ralph,
And your in love with this plain couch, resting under a rain cloud.
Oooh, to be this boy in America. To get to enjoy and cherish the -
Fact that there aren’t any toys in his area.
I mean,
This could be Boston or Ohio,
…Just walking on a side road.
This could be Cleveland or Rhode Island,
…Just dreamin with closed eye lids.
Could there be a better place to grow up and live?
Cuz only a kid, in a moment like this,
Can truly shed light on the notion of bliss,
As it grows from within…
Then radiates in the bones and the skin between his nose and his chin.
Yes this is what holiness is…
And it matters none on which coast that you live,
Or In which ocean you swim…
Becuz America is only a hymn... and it blows in the wind.
I’m talking bout,
Backyard swing sets and chain link fence.
Little girls in a sandbox, diapers and pink barrettes.
I’m talking bout,
The rolling country side and golden pumpkin pie.
A neighbor’s invitation: “the door is open come inside!”
But what about THIS boy?
THIS boy will be just fine.
Cuz he lives in a land where in a seasons time,
Your presented with a new landscape,
Where foreign bands delve into a new fan base,
Where strangers offer true hand shakes,
Where you can go down the block and get a few pancakes,
And it all ties back into this room’s lampshade.
Oh, world! Life is a scary task.
And when you’re a boy in America,
There’s that one question you can barely grasp,
But that all doctors, teachers and parents ask.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
And you know what?

My only answer is a man in America.

[-Sephiroth-]

I thought I was Seeing Clearly, but then it cluttered my vision
realizing my own mind, i'm Just Another Statistic
as I wonder what is this, these numbers and digits
now my Life Cycles around this troublesome image
I'll be done for and finished if I act on a blunder
so I Step Lightly not to stumble in this Labyrinth of numbers



Each morning, I wake up sure of myself and routine
but this day, it seemed life had just delt me scheme
one that I wasn't aware of, it felt like a dream
reaching in my pocket for something that dwell'd in my jeans
I grab my belt and then leave, unfolding this piece of paper
before I see whats on it, my son yells "See ya later"
"Don't work late tonight" my wife says as I hurry about
I say i'll be home for dinner, her eyes signal worry and doubt
I take the earliest route and end up an hour late some how
boss comes in saying he's paying less of what he's paying now
threatend to let me go, I say "Go ahead and fire me Paul"
all of a sudden, my psychiatrist calls, Dr. Simon McGraw
i'm kind of in awe, I haven't talked to him in a week
we chatted daily when he first explained my condition to me
given his speech, he seemed worried from his tone
my boss saying "Hang up soon or you'll be permenintly gone"
I ask why did he call , "I havent called in a whole week"
"How you been lately, have you been getting enough sleep ?"
I say i'm fine, "Well your wife called me on the phone"
"She says you work late and sometimes don't come home"
we'll talk later, I hang up, left with boredom and anger
suddenly I remember'd about the folded up paper
I open it up and stare at it but what could it be ?
it left me with a sharp sense of nothing in me
which only means that it must mean something to me
is it a phone number, address, a safe at a bank ?
im'a major in math, but somehow I wasn't able to catch
the more I thought about it, it tortured me more
as I figure out this formula for what this formula's for
feeling lost, and somewhat puzzled by this puzzle
instead of working I rather solve this fucker on the double
I search though my thoughts to seek what it meant
just looking at it's pattern for even a hint
is it a code of some sort, the feeling is strong to me
Jesus, what the fuck ! does it even belong to me ?
I rush home with urgency of making it out and...
with the intent of going back to the same place I found it
maybe theres a clue in the closet where my jeans were
I walk in, see my wife and didn't even say hi when I seen her
instead I ran passed her to our room fast as hell
and as soon as I checked inside the closet a jacket fell
inside the pocket, something rattled but what ?
a fresh bottle of neuroleptics that haven't been touched
half the mystery tied together, but something was goin on
my wife walks in the room, wondering what was wrong
"Dr. McGraw called and asked if you've been taking your meds"
my son runs up the stairs and suddenly I feel the veins in my head

and black out ....

as I wake...

I see blood everywhere, the bodies of my wife and son are blue
I pull out the folded paper, and write the number "2"

[Got Life?]

nvm.

0-0 up over no-shows

[Lucifa]

pretty cool battle ..

Ink - I liked the content of this piece .. a topical piece but one with more meaning and feeling than the usual .. conveyed your opinion well with some nice lines .. overall the vocab and scheme was a little under-par with a not-so-steady flow .. however it was pretty short and because it didn't drag on the flow never really became an issue .. good drop ..

Seph - there were aspects to this piece that I felt were hurting the overall feel .. some rhymes would be a push to get to work in audio, nevermind text .. and some of the few multis were pretty simple .. however .. the story was real enjoyable .. there was some filler in there that it didn't need but it did all gel well and kept me reading .. the 'twist' was good .. hardly groundbreaking but pretty fresh and standoutish to me .. really good use of the image you chose ..

Vote = Sephiroth .. there wasn't a great margin splitting these in terms of quality in the writing .. but when writers are around equal talent then I think the content is where it is at .. how you engage the reader is what will split it .. and for me .. Seph just gave me more for my time taken to read .. Ink's was cool but the topical always tends to struggle against a solid story piece ..

[Got Life?]

Ink - I don't know what it was...this piece felt so unlike you...the writers voice just seemed so awkward to me as I read the piece...the imagery was cool and the flow was clever, hell I even liked the piece, but it left a lot to be desired...though I feel the way you wrote it gave it a dated feel...almost like the picture was dated...if that was intentional, that's clever...i'll give you the benefit of the doubt...

Seph - ok...a lot of the rhyming here seemed overly forced and just took me away from the piece...i was like...blah blah forced rhyme...more blah forced rhyme...you built a character but in an odd manner, if he's always at work, why would his boss be so pissed...what's the whole pay cut have to do /w anything...just a lot of clutter when you could have honed in on details of a condition...maybe a more clever murder, though the last line kind of saved the piece, but I feel the whole piece was a cop out...though a clever take on the topic...

Honestly it's hard to vote on this...

but I'll give Seph the nod as I think he did much more with the topic.

[Master Peace]

I dunno...


Ink...the story was easy to follow. I liked the concept but it fell off to me at times. I lost interest a lil bit in the middle and caught it at the end. maybe cause I had to read it a couple of more times. It was an okay drop

Seph...I agree somewhat wit GL. The scheme seemed forced at times but I had a more interest to your topic than I did Ink. It wasn't a spectacular drop. But like GL said...I felt you did more with the topic

v/Seph

[Dougie G]

Inkwell: Well ok this was a good verse, I mean the flow was there and so was the rhyme scheme, but to mer it either felt like you didnt take that long to work on it or you just rushed it, and then you tried to make a nice ending but at the end, I was just like "OK".

Seph: O now I was feeling this verse all the way through, but the ending fucked me up, I mean does the 2 mean that he killed two people, I am in suspense wondering what was on the paper.

Vote: Seph for having a more entertaining verse

[Lord Drama]

Close match

I could vote either way because both had their strong points, but I had a hard time understanding the ending of sephs piece. I dont get how the boy running away while the guy blacks out has to do with the full bottle of pills he had in his coat, and if he killed them, then why would the kid be sneaking those pills to his coat.. see, im just lost in even thinking about it right now, maybe if i re read it I will catch things...but the story was cool up until im ignorance of it.

Inkwell.. The story was simple and to the point. It made sense and so im left with asking myself how I could vote for something I dont fully get when compared to it. I did like seph's take on the picture and probably used that picture the best of anything this week, but you generalized an american boy pretty well lol.

vote inkwell

[Cereal_Killer]

Ink:
Well worded and n enjoyable read.. Nothing fancy which meant you couldn’t really stray of topic but at the same deliver any real attention grabbing twist.. Which truthfully I look for.. This verse was very basic but had some really nice lines in here which made me smile.. It’s good to see someone so patriotic by using a reader friendly choice of words.. Good drop.

Seph:
So your structure and rhyme wasn’t as fluent as inks but your story was a hell of a lot more interesting. Ok you delivered this well it was a little dragged out midway when you where building the tension on the numbers meaning midway.. but by the ending you brought me back into it… which how I see it the ending could have easily been weak if you didn’t make from the time the character realizes to the time the reader realizes as fast past as you did.. You def showed a good story telling ability on this.. Great drop.

Vote: sephiroth

Nice drops both of you but sep was just told with a lot more intensity and originality..

Gl guys pz

[godfather]

Ink -
the scheme was well prepared .easy to read ,i followed it well it wasnt all that complex pretty basic but all round i give u a 8.3% on this piece the story was matchin the topic u chose

Seph-
the start off was al lil chop chop but aftre i re read it twice i kind of caught on to what u was doing but as for the story it was pretty deep i like how u told it i give u 7.9%

my vote goes to Ink on this one

[.ApoGee.]

Ink-] This piece was some-what poetic to me. There we’re emotions in this piece and I felt that it was resembles to a foreign character in another country answering the teacher question. The Imagery was cool, I could def picture a music video with the settling you’ve describe, for some reason, I think the band called Linkin park would be making this, Lol. There wasn’t any special wording in this piece, just basically straight forward, no gimmicks and sometimes that’s not the best way to go but you’ve pulled it off beautifully. Therefore this piece wasn’t complex at all, the best thing about this piece was the approach you took, very creative and original. There was a very relaxing unique style to your piece and it very much soothes me as a reader. As for the concept and the ending, it was very much creative and unpredictable. Great write.

Fav Lines:

“THIS boy will be just fine.
Cuz he lives in a land where in a seasons time,
Your presented with a new landscape,
Where foreign bands delve into a new fan base,
Where strangers offer true hand shakes,
Where you can go down the block and get a few pancakes,
And it all ties back into this room’s lampshade.
Oh, world! Life is a scary task.
And when you’re a boy in America,
There’s that one question you can barely grasp,
But that all doctors, teachers and parents ask.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
And you know what?

My only answer is a man in America.”



-Sephiroth-] The Imagery of this piece was cool, I liked the detailed and the transaction from one event to another, pretty dope. The flow and wording of your piece seemed forced like you was trying to do that because of the structure. Don’t worry Much about the structure, as long you have good grammar and can get your point across. As for the concept and the storyline, it was dope, I liked it but the mechanics was just killing it. You had the idea but you didn’t pull it off. In addition, I felt the ending was too sudden there wasn’t any much build up toward the ending. Also the character going to work and waking up in the morning, I just felt that was a filler. The dialogue in the piece was used but poorly mastered. The best thing about this piece was the concept and the approach, great write.

Fav Lines:

“
I open it up and stare at it but what could it be ?
it left me with a sharp sense of nothing in me
which only means that it must mean something to me
is it a phone number, address, a safe at a bank ?
im'a major in math, but somehow I wasn't able to catch
the more I thought about it, it tortured me more
as I figure out this formula for what this formula's for
feeling lost, and somewhat puzzled by this puzzle
instead of working I rather solve this fucker on the double”

Vote- Ink, even thought Seph did more with his topic I just felt that Ink was better. Better read, better approach, better concept. And I could relate to his piece. Wordeness.