[Wk 5] Contender 3. Got Life? 13-4 v. 4. Daht Calm 1-0 (Vote Now!)

[Got Life?]

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[Daht Cahm]

Haha I thought this would come at a later date...

Check.... mate (unfortunately)

[Got Life?]

As did I, but this is how the cards chose to unfold.

[Daht Cahm]

Best of luck brosiff.

[Got Life?]

same to you, mind the 3 post rule...check in, votes, verse...

votes go here:
1. [Wk 5] 5. Kid Phikshen 1-0 v. 6. inkwell (chris) 3-1 (Vote Now!)
2. [Wk 5] 15. Pain 2-1 v. 16. Dougie G 2-2 (Vote Now!)
3. http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...4#post15481604
4. [Wk 5] 7. -Sephiroth- 2-2 v. 8. Bodian 1-0 (Vote Now!)

[Daht Cahm]

The voices in my head scream I’m too cynical, eyes wide shut I envision hell
Being stoned by little girls, condescendingly giggling to the world I’m invisible…
Nothing beautifully metaphorical nah that shit is literal, nobody sees me
Even after physical contact they brush me off like a bee sting, believe me
So I stand tall and willow the same sad song that the trees sing, never surpassing
And it’s almost sad enough to condone laughing, sadly, watch the world pass me
No love not even mere lust, walked on daily like I’m just mere dust,
And either their mocks like quacks swear I can hear ducks, wide eyed like a deer does
No tears shed here I’ve sewn up my tear ducts, more alone than the saddest guys
But oblivious to the baddest lies, like “true love” so I’m naively satisfied
Wonder have I died? And what was I like to deserve life unbeknown to life
This world I hate but have grown despite, so I sit tree side on my own and write
Right? Then the world starts to move a little quicker, vomit stages for eruption I’m a tad bit sicker
And this web of self pity gets a tad bit thicker; the silhouettes of “people” start to flicker
I haven’t had an ounce of liquor, now the voices in my head sound a little alarming
Saying the people I long to be part of only wish to harm me, that’s why conformity seems so charming
Then suddenly time slows down, as if only for a moment, voices raging “Now you must own it”
Hold it… A faint pseudo smile in my direction seems to good don’t it? A goddess has thrown it
An entire lifetime alone it’s almost impossible. Deserve it? I have become loneliness’ servant
Early I learned this, a flick of her wrist and I emerge quick..
Then this apple of arousal turns into a serpent. A beast of temptation from once was a lady
Spiraling around me squeezing, will nobody save me? Tongue tickles my ear “Have you been seen lately?”
I whimper “This is the fate god gave me”. Never acknowledged people ignore me
She tightens her grasp, “And you think people adore me?” Smile to my face only later to scorn me
I’m a whore see, try to wake up but my heart pounds so real; wow she’s real, now it’s real
The streets empties, she screams “They go from you to me and don’t care how we feel!”
Unforgivably surrounds my heels, I look to god, but ask nothing from him
“DON’T YOU GET IT!? You are as good as those voices that come from within!”
I don’t understand. The voices say “Don’t let her in” blossom Tim grow from your stem
She releases, quivers, and says once again..

“The world is changing; people no longer have time for their friends,
No time for good, because I have stuffed them with sin
My child I am desire, you are their conscious… you mean nothing to them!”

My lips are dry; the words come out stuttered and broken
Maybe wishful hopin, and in my throat my heart I’m chokin
Eyes flutter but remain open, but damn it I’m mad
They can’t take for granted what they have, no way the whole planet is bad
I reach for the answer, none I can grab. Hopelessly yearn for the clouds
My head is ringing the voices loud, not a single person, in an Earth filled crowd
Is worthy of saving so then what now? I shriek, “Does this mean that god isn’t real
The entire world could be hungry as long as one has a meal
That’s how it feels, why does he not act? Answer me snake!”
I’ll be damned if this fate, rests on me it’s mans to with take!”
Her fire seems endless; her tongue wiggles whispers sounds so relentless.
How can I end this? She says “You are pure, you cannot be tempted;
But the world is cruel, and has turned their back on their faith
And now love is just a word, muddied, no passion is safe.”
She looks at me now… as if they’ll never see me again, eyes so full of pain
The door in my head shuts the voices out of my brain
Hate is a beast, which cannot be tamed. All things good are denied
We never ask for the truth, so it’s not like they lied
She released, and I plummet to the ground shattering my pride
The people are back, still oblivious to me… I’m not surprised.


And so I lay broken, as the snake disappears,
Only to leave me, drowning in tears
What ever happened, to the good of man kind?
And if I found the remote to our cleanliness... Could I press rewind?

----There is no good anymore… only selfish desire ----

[Got Life?]

Oh Maria...My Maria...

Maria’s rocking diamond studs,
Beautiful bruises and scars,
Lip trembling; sensitive. she refuses and bars-
Everyone,
Fists clenched, holding a gun,
Helping hands - clasped - they approach,
Just they're too late to help,
Yet, still, grasping her broach,
…slowly breaths escape from her lips,
As she reveals a dying yelp,
Her digits scrape flesh into strips,
Balling her fists and stalling wits,
Simply appalled as I’m blitzed,
Approaching me… slowly, see…
Her pace… a crawl,
I had chosen her… now I race up a wall,
Jesus fucking Christ… I can't face her at all…

& now, the city's dust clouds are all in motion.
…& now, she's pretty much drowning in this ocean-
Of spin-me-dizzy whiskey clutched in brooding emotion,
While I then breathe in deep. quickly thrust into the commotion.

Toward streets below,
Littered by ravished receipts and blow,
The crowds create a clusterfuck
Of sudden manic mess,
Panicked, stressed by her crimson-dripping summer dress,
Though red suits my fancy,
Like, what a valentine!
As does, the cheap nectar of a gallon wine,
& since this beauty I truly now have found divine,
I would just love
To thrust, fuck, & fucking pound her spine,

But I found out too little too late,
Already bound…riddled through fate,
Where this stripper… this damn devious whore,
Revealed how she'd
Cheaply afford her evening décor,
And when I threw her,
She wasn’t screaming no more,
And though she gave chase,
She soon forgot and changed pace.

Me, I never forgot her rotten face,
As she held me, lost in soft embrace,
Only to whisper my verdict softly,
God damn…
How much that whore's service had cost me,
Finally informing me,
That she was positive for H.I.V.
Now you understand the scene,
Our love…
Spilling into a damned ravine,
With a disease killing,
Not just her… but me… truly, as well,
My young love: fucked up & inducing this hell,
Though justice was found,
In a baker's oven, just around-
The corner from where we met,
When I first lit her marb red cigarette,
Curtain-taped up, I sealed a perfect cake shut…
From where
She’ll never-ever-ever emerge in make up,
Instead she'd suffocate,
Like, welcome, now, lover…
To our sudden fucked up fate.

[Dougie G]

daht cahm: Ok well first of all like i been saying all day today, i think you got lucky with the way the ranking went down, and i dont think you should have gotten a number one contender's match this early, but in no way am i saying you are not a good writer, now this verse right here was another awesome verse from you, just like the one from last week, i mean the flow was on point and you kept me entertained all the way through, but u know what i have learned about ur style after reading those two verses, you just give it to the reader, to do with it what they like, and what i mean by that is, there's like no set up, no twists, you just throw something nice out there and that's it. I mean dont get me wrong it was rhyming beautifully and i loved the dialogue.

GOT LIFE???: ok to me the rhyme scheme is this verse was very basic, and in the beginning it was taking me nowhere but you know what saved you ass, THE TWIST!!!!, Damn that was one of the best twists i have ever seen

vote: Ok now let me tell you something, being that i am first to vote on this, I will say that maybe everyone else might not agree with me but at first Daht Cahm almost pulled off the upset, He almost got Life, but that Twist saved his ass. And you wanna know why, Got Life you son of a bitch, I faced you last week, with the same exact idea, not as good but the same exact idea, you practically did what IV told me to do. Any ways vote GOT LIFE, good fucking battle guys, very entertainig.

[Lucifa]

ok .. well ..

Cahm - straight piece but you were really forced into making your font smaller because you opted to split your lines into 2 bars each .. so I think mechanical merit is lost given the structure of the piece .. it flowed pretty well but felt like it dragged on a little at times .. very wordy in places that didn't need expansion .. the end message is cool and I was feeling the outro .. I liked the piece but never really felt enfused to it ..

GL? - there's something I don't quite get about this piece .. I understood the premise on 1st read .. but I read it again because I was thrown by the ending and image after believing that the female character to the story was dead .. splattered on the sidewalk .. then you're talking about keeping her captive in the final section .. there was no clear indication to say this is the same or a different woman (outside of logic hinting that it's not the woman splattered on the street) .. except for "I never forgot her face" there were no real signs of flashback method being used .. I think there are 2 women in this story (as I understand it) but no real transition to differentiate between each (as a reader) ..

Vote = Got Life? .. although I pick fault in a subjective matter .. it was more enjoyable to read on a lot of levels .. GL? almost jacked Daht Cahms structure from last week and did it justice .. not as creative as the sax piece but set a scene in my head that was only thrown at the end with not seeing the character switch early on .. left me confused but interested enough to go back and try to understand the story better ..

[Kid Phikshen]

daht: by the end of the first stanza it felt as though i had just finished dragging myself through one long ass verse only to find that i'm only halfway through, way too lengthy here and it took entirely too long to get your point across, the flow was good for the most part, a very natural tone and a good setting for the dialogue route that you chose here, the dialouge itself got old real quick and felt as though it would never end, but once it did end i felt very unsatisfied, this was one of those "moral to the story" pieces with no real climatic ending but the story was too long and drawn out to focus on the moral and it just seemed to dry by the end to actually give credit to such a so-called story, i did not like the fact that the entire first stanza was nearly twice as long as your format portrays it to be being that each line was damn near two lines in a typical structure, thus proving that this verse was killed only by the length and time it took for you to reach such an unsatisfying ending, had the bars been shorter with less dialogue and more cutting the chase, the ending may have been more satisfying and this verse may have been held in higher regard, but as is i just feel that you fell short here, the flow was good and felt natural, the imagery was good, the dialogue was handled well but grew boring, the emotion was eh, overall it was a good showing but i just didnt feel the connection here

got life?: i dug the approach, very fresh writing style from you as opposed to the typical stuff i've read of yours, the flow was a notch up from usual and yet it seemed as though you sacrificed here for flow, such as the blitz and then going on to describe her movements as slow, it was just too much of a contradiction to sound natural and yet it fit perfectly into you rhyming pattern, also the broach, lol, it just didnt sound right nor make much sense, a stretch to draw a connection but i'm sure you did in your mind, yet and still i appreciate the tone you set here although the plot to begin with is a bit cloudy due to word choice, the ocean/motion/commotion segment threw the flow off a tad syllabically, a good take on the picture here, the flow picked back up and all in all the story was worth the read and delivered a solid interpretation of the emotion displayed by the picture, a much more fulfilling story that was not a victim of length or wordy descriptions but rather cut the point and covered the necessary ground to deliver a script with a centralized meaning, the imagery here was done nicely for the most part, more specifically towards the ending, the image of her death was the best part of the verse, a lot of the descriptions however were lost in unnatural wordage or flow, overall i still enjoyed reading this and was far more satisfyed than the prior verse

both verses had their strengths and weaknesses, both were good stories for the most part and written well by two good writers, the defining differences arises when weighing each verse's weaknesses in which a verse that ends up boring me obviously falls short compared to a verse with other minor weaknesses, daht was just too wordy and lengthy and took forever to cover his ground only to deliver a partially satisfying ending which could have been much stronger and as is would have been had the rest of the verse been fitted wisely, got life? on the other hand had minor discrepencies in flow and word usage which overall only slightly hindered the actual impact of the verse, but i enjoyed his format and tone and overall his story was more fullfilling by the end and therefore i vote for got life?

daht, i think you just need to be a tad more creative, not so much as with the story because this story would have worked fine but with the development of the story and the structure/format in which you present it, tailor it up and cut the excess waste and you'll have a solid, tight nit script which will be hard to compete with, your flow is already solid for the most part as well as your imagery, keep it up and you'll be a force to be reckoned

got life?, my only beef would be to brush up the flow in certain areas, the word usage can be good or bad depending on who's reading and therefore i wouldn't necessarily advise you to adjust in that area although you should definately take note of it, the progression may have been somewhat rapid which sometimes could be bad although here it worked considering your competition, the imagery was good

good job by both, nice match

[Got Life?]

up over no-shows

bump

[SpeedyCalhoun]

Daht: I fucking loved the drop. A verse sorta revolving around the last man on earth theme can either be easily predictable or hard to follow. I think this wasn't a major upset in that theme. However, sometime the story did KEEP my interest. Towards the middle I wanted to skip straight to Life's verse, but ala in all, it wasn't a disappointment....

Life: Man brudda, peep: I read the votes before I actually voted, and I have to say, I don't necessarily agree with the statements made about the "twist" in your story. If this battle was truly neck-and-neck, that twist wouldn't have been a deciding factor (for me at least). But, you're story was easier to follow without the expense of being basic. You get kudos for that...

Vote= I suppose if I HAD to choose, it would be...Got Life? Only due to the fact that his verse was more entertaining. I think neither of you had any underlying theme or conclusion besides "This is fucked up, oh well, accept it." But good battle nigs!!!!!!!

[Master Peace]

I agree wit Speed

Daht you had a solid verse and I liked it and enjoyed the story but it was to lengthy and wordy. Your approach to the story seemed difficult to pull off but you did it in good fashion. Nice drop

Life...I liked your story more because I like the short bar scheme. Not just that alone but it read smoother and was easier to follow. With every line the image popped in my head what was going on in the story. Very solid piece. As for the twist...not as impressive as Dougie made it out to be but it was a nice spin on it.

v/Life

[MetaSin]

daht... I liked this verse, although it was apparent that your format was a result of you trying to fit too many lines under the bar limit, lol. I liked the flow in most parts, and the idea of the piece. The symbolism might not be enough for some readers, but I personally don't need a twist on the story... I do think however it was too wordy in a few instances, and did infact drag in a few parts... But in all reality that was only for a second, and overall I wasn't dissapointed with this piece.

GL?... I think it flowed better on second read and the flow and rhyming words were pretty good. The best part is it read smoothly and wasn't drawn out as long as daht's verse. This wasn't the best piece I've read tho, and sometimes it feels like you're trying too hard to sound poetic. Like you could spend more time delving into what's actually happening. I could be misunderstanding, and it wouldn't be the first time, but apparently you've just thrown this bitch from the apartment window, killing her for her transgression... But the pic is of you two sitting.... Either that, or that's a different girl, whom you've given aids, or the picture should have been in the beginning...

This was a couple of good reads... I'd have to give my vote to daht... I found myself trying too hard to figure out the ending of gl's verse.... It could be as simple as the picture placement, or I could be misinterpreting the transition into this other female, but I didn't have to try excessively to understand daht's verse.