[Wk 4] 15. inkwell (chris) 2-1 v. 16. Stars€reen 0-1 (Vote Now!)

Quriosity · 03-03-2008, 03:18 PM

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inkwell (chris) · 03-05-2008, 10:10 AM

sigh... check.

Stars€reen · 03-05-2008, 01:23 PM

Stars€reen · 03-05-2008, 02:34 PM

Become your abusive father. Why do you hit your son (which is you)?
What happened to you when you were younger that has led you to have become so violent? Expand.
(DipSet)

The smell of death lingers..as strong as fear in the air
about mY father..who's actions are not clear
I tried as hard as I could..and still told, to have been weak
thought I did good on the tests, but beat for comin home with a B
he always told me..that's his intentions were to make me 10 times the man
and when that daY came, then I'd thank him, and then finallY understand
that he's a brute..that's the truth and it's enough...
how can u tell me to live right, with a bottle in Ya clutch...
it feels like on the inside..I'm about to erupt
...it's so complicated
I would rather it not even be discussed...

I had a dream last night, the Lord was washin me in blood...
...I arose and told You, but chu just drug it through the mud
My whole day is planned before I know it..You say that u love,
but never show it, there's a lot more to learn..we just gotta keep growin
then one day you opened, and talked about Ya mom bein fast
runnin with different men..a bunch of wanna be dads
with Your whole demeanor sad, you explained in a rut...
how one in particular would tease u..when u didn't wanna be touched
it was like he couldn't get enough..and he pushed it in delight
confronted Your mother..but she just beleived what he denied
Have u ever felt a feelin on the inside, as strong as the flesh???
He told me about hidin kitchen knives under his pillow..
..before theY would come and tuck him in the bed..
he had a certain sterness in his voice, and the last thing he said..
this will never happen to You, I'll put mY whole life on a ledge..

I've never meet my grandmother, and I don't really care..
..all I know is that dad says..she live's in Wisconsin somewhere..
and we are in Texas, this mornin I ate a sausage link for breakfast..
went to school..thinkin' of his speech, the emotions..expressions..
latter that day, I ended up bein' grabbed from the class..
..this kid called me dumb, and said that my dad was a fag..
So i hit him..he pulled back, we both wrestled to the floor..
after about 40 seconds in..it was obvious he didn't wanna wrestle ne more
the teacher tried to break it up..but I don't give a fuck about that..
..and if anyone else jumps in, I'm willin to fight the whole class..

Then it hit me..why I'm like this, as the principal tugged at my arm..
I didn't really mean for it to go this far, or to cause any harm..
..while sitting in the lobby, trying to get my side straight..
..he threw the first punch, I was mostly protectin my face..
well, that's a lie..40 witnesses are hard to match..
he called me in his office, my hands shakin..feelin hardly attatched..
he told me to sit down, then it was more like "so u wanna pull cute stunts?"..
how about I suspend You for 2 weeks and give out detention for month..
he said that he knew how hotheaded my dad was, and I wasn't far from the tree..
I knew that there was a tie somewhere, but how hard could it be..
"Have we ever met before?", was my respone...
then he smiled and sat up..
..I had a friend a long time ago..set me and Your, grandmother up..

"Let's just say that I cut u a break?", meet me in my office right after school....to be con'td

inkwell (chris) · 03-05-2008, 11:50 PM

Lullabies

I spend most evenings in my rocking chair,
Wearing the smile all proud fathers wear.
Thinking of my daughter and the thoughts we share,
And all the days and nights that got us there.
These sunsets on the water, are fantastically sweet,
And this old oak rocking chair was hand crafted by me.
Miracles are rare, this one happened to me.
My daughter, her vibrance, her laughter, her glee.
I remember the very night she was born.
It was three in the morn, on the eve of a storm.
We spent the next few days in the hospital.
It was a premature birth that they say was impossible.
But I'm convinced she was heaven sent, fate is unstoppable.
Beautiful, even the doctors knew, they wanted to adopt her too.
And when we did get her home, precious thing, dressed in pink,
When we put her to bed, i would take a deep breath and sing:

Golden slumber kiss your eyes,
Smiles await you when you rise.
Sleep, pretty baby,
Do not cry,
And I will sing you a lullaby.

Todays is the last day of autumn, monday's winter.
On a brighter note, todays our weekly sunday dinner.
Supper time, the table's set, add the center peice to make it strech.
Apple pie? We bake it fresh, because thats the way it taste the best.
My daughter? Her name is Beth, she says her work has been major stress,
Shes so thankful for these family dinners, finally a day to rest.
My wife asked asked Beth as she always does, with her hands waving,
When are you and that nice young man Davie, gonna give me some grand babies?
"I'm just saying i'd like to have another adorable little child to hold"
Beth smiled "I know. But we still have a while to go."
"Oh the way we used to carry you and sing to you,
"Yes beth we still cherish you and think of you!"
"I know you do, hey dad, you know that one bed time song,
You sang to me when i was little?" "I dont know its been so long,
You know im getting old, its harder to remember things,
Hm let me think... ah yes," i take a deep breath and sing:

Golden slumber kiss your eyes,
Smiles await you when you rise.
Sleep, pretty baby,
Do not cry,
And I will sing you a lullaby.

Its saturday morning, the sun is out and the weathers nice.
Beth asked me to go house shopping, says i give the best advice.
I wanted to take my car, but let her drive because we never fight,
But still told her at every light, make sure you look left and right.
Told her to be careful, on the road there's still some melted ice,
She was always a good listener, never had to tell her twice,
I asked her how she was doing, she said that she felt alright.
"There's a house down the road." "How much?" "I cant tell the price.
I want you to see it first" She looked at me with her grin expression.
Through an intersection, i heard a horn honk but didnt know which direction,
Quickly look left then, pupils dialate inside my eyes,
An tractor trailer of giant size, slammed into the driver's side.
...
I climb from the wreckage.
The screams and cries are tremendous.
My baby girl's blood dry on her necklace.
I know shes gonna die, why is the question.
With one broken arm, i drag her to the street.
Can't understand why the passenger was me.
She looks at me barely alive, gasping when she breathes.
Say a final prayer to the sky, this has to be a dream!
As she's dying in my arms, she says a blood choked I love you.
"I love you too! But the ambulance will come soon!"
...
But theres no doctors, no angels with protective wings,
Eyes full of tears, i take a deep breath and sing:

Golden slumber kiss your eyes,
Smiles await you when you rise.
Sleep, pretty baby,
Do not cry,
And I will sing you a lullaby.

Daht Cahm · 03-06-2008, 12:16 AM

Not sure if I can vote yet or not... so if I'm not supposed to I apologize.

Though both were basic rhyme scheme, some internal rhymes but nothing spectacular. I liked the plot twist of the abusive father piece at the end. But it's sort of hard to end it when it's a competition piece. I see where the "To Be Continued" makes it more of a story piece. But the rest of the story was sort of... "vague" to me. It just lacked emotion. Power.

The lullaby, I like how you fit the lullaby into three portions of life. Reminds me of a few songs I've heard. Like the Kenny Chesney one.

Though the daughter dieing was predictable you still wrote it well. And I like the ending about no angels. No ambulance. The lullaby itself made a good transition.

For better overall story, with more vivid imagery I'd have to give this one to inkwell

Got Life? · 03-06-2008, 08:26 AM

Star - ok, I think this piece really lacked any clear direction...first you're talking about your dad beating you because you got a B...then some unclear shit about your grandmother...then back to how you don't know her, never met her, so you switch gears into school, the imagery here was ok, but then the principal's office, you just come up with some kind of tie in, but you don't reveal it which just makes it pointless for this piece, the whole to be continued doesn't work well if the first piece isn't complete, also your rhyming is extremely simple, you need to develop your rhyme scheme better and really work on your transitions to make your piece more fluid.

Ink - After reading the first verse and this transition I thought you could have done so much more with this piece, as the progression seemed rather sudden from infant to adult in the instant of a quick lullaby, although I think the transition of using a lullaby was great for this topic...on a different note a lot of your rhyming seems very forced to me, it's not that it's bad, but it just doesn't read naturally, for example:

Apple pie? We bake it fresh, because thats the way it taste the best.
My daughter? Her name is Beth, she says her work has been major stress,

I unno, maybe it's just me...I think the fact that she dies is very lackluster and just seemed like the way you had to end it because there was no other natural progression, but I think her dying is what made this very typical and almost bland, although if you read star's verse first I don't blame you for not going all out.

At the end of the day you really can't compare ink's mechanics to those of star's as they are two different kinds of writers with a huge gap in experience.

This one was ink's for the taking and I feel he did enough to win.

vote = Inkwell

Lucifa · 03-06-2008, 09:01 AM

Star - I don't like starting out breakdowns with negativity .. but I really need to point out a major flaw in your writing .. the mechanics behind flowing a text piece are almost none .. it reads more like a story book page with bland (and sometimes none at all) rhyming on ends of lines .. vocab was subpar too .. the content of the story itself wasn't too bad .. it didn't appeal to me or really perk my interest but it was passable .. however the mechanics (multis, syllable counts, inner bars, vocab, structure, scheme) all fell short of the mark ..

Ink - well .. after reading the 1st stanza and hook I was ready to just go straight to Quick Reply and vote you .. flow was smooth and the content was straight .. but I read on (of course) .. and well .. it fell off tbh .. the flow in the 2nd stanza was really rough and lost continuity .. just about being held together by the content .. 3rd picked up the flow again but never really reaching the smoothness of the 1st .. I did like the story in general but it was predictable how it ended .. however, you know Rambo is gonna kill some soldiers and win his mini war at the end of the movie - doesn't stop you watching and enjoying it though right? .. this was not the most consistent piece but it certainly had enough here ..

Vote = Inkwell .. just an overall better piece in regards to both content and the mechanical aspects to writing ..

Got Life? · 03-07-2008, 04:16 AM

up over no-shows

C.Jacc · 03-08-2008, 12:08 AM

ok this was kinda funny star u started out good then u went way left with it ... as far as the topic was concerned it was a good story for sure juss missed the point.... but hey i give it up to u on flow...

inkwell i gotta be honest it was a really good concept .. i liked the way u put the lulliby hit different aspects of life but yo it was kinda monotone and predictable with that concept i was expecting a huge revelation and it neva came ... still kinda waiten for it so if u ever wanna toss one on i'm down to read it

my vote goes to inkwell it was more on topic.

Bodian · 03-08-2008, 09:08 AM

I thought Star did well, this being one of the first ive read from the kid. I thought he had a good solid story that read well and a good twist at the end. Sure, he has some way to go, as the rest of you guys have already pointed out, but he has some potential there. His ideas arent bad at all, he just got drawn up againist a better opponent here this week in my mind...

Ink had the better overall verse of the two by quite some margin, Im a sucker for the multies and the schemes and mechanics so his verse read very very strong to me, I liked how he would carry it over several lines too because that shit is mega-difficult to do and do well. He just out wrote Star here in my opinion, Ink aint as new to this as Star seems to be and it showed here.

Vote - Inkwell

Insanevillian · 03-08-2008, 04:36 PM

ok starscreen... u put some effort into this piece, i can see that... but u had too much going on, the grandmother... and so forth... it wasn't clear...

i liked this part of your verse...

and we are in Texas, this mornin I ate a sausage link for breakfast..
went to school..thinkin' of his speech, the emotions..expressions..
latter that day, I ended up bein' grabbed from the class..
..this kid called me dumb, and said that my dad was a fag..
So i hit him..he pulled back, we both wrestled to the floor..
after about 40 seconds in..it was obvious he didn't wanna wrestle ne more
the teacher tried to break it up..but I don't give a fuck about that..
..and if anyone else jumps in, I'm willin to fight the whole class..

and then the ending was a letdown... the twist is decent... u kind of remind me of myself when i first started though... which apparently, isn't a bad thing :-)

focus on your flow and tightening up your content... you are creative and can be a beast if u focus on these things...

inkwell - this was a sad piece... the hook was a nice inner, it kind of reminded me of mockingbird by eminem and i tried to sing the chorus like that ... lol ... to get the fukk effect...

this piece wasn't groundbreaking, but your flow stsyed on point and u did enough to win here...

Vote Inkwell... beter mechanics, story was put together better, but not by much... if starscreen could tighten up his flow and his writers voice, this could be a more interesting match in the future...

Dougie G · 03-09-2008, 06:28 PM

I have to say I really think this battle was alot closer than everybody else thought. To me both verse's were alike with nice twists at the end.

Starscreen: I really like this verse alot, it flowed nicely and was easy to follow, it felt like you just took me along for a ride, and to me the twist at the end was the best part, i mean it left me in suspense, i honestly want you to do part two next week, because I wanna know what happened, good verse.

Inkwell: I liked this verse also, I mean the flow was on point and it was very entertaining, but it was very predictable, like by the second chorus, i could already tell what was gonna happen, and as a reader i would rather be surprised.

Vote: Starscreen for having a better twist at the end, and Chris, dont even take offense, no matter what it still looks like ur gonna win.

MetaSin · 03-09-2008, 08:07 PM

good battle...

Star... I didn't dislike your verse as some people did, but I recognize that you just need to improve a little bit. The story actually was good, but i think you had to tie in everything much better... More thought would have made it solid.

Inkwell... I liked it... tho I think ur 2nd verse seemed stretched because the first verse had more concise bars. Once i erase the original rhythm it flowed easier... I liked the story, and I think the story was divided into 3 parts well... Overall it was a good piece to me, even tho the ending was somewhat predictable.

Vote Inkwell

inkwell (chris) · 03-09-2008, 11:53 PM

http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...1#post15469209
[Wk 4] 9. BaySick 0-0 v. 10. Daht Cahm 0-0 (Vote Now!)
[Wk 4] Contender 5. Got Life? 12-4 v. Contender 6. Dougie G 2-1 (Vote Now!)
[Wk 4] Contender 1. Lucifa 13-4 v. Contender 2. Insanevillian 3-0 (Vote Now!)

03-03-2008, 03:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
Quriosity Michael Clayton of Text Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Atlanta, Ga Posts: 19,097	[Wk 4] 15. inkwell (chris) 2-1 v. 16. Stars€reen 0-1 (Vote Now!) ----- The RSTL Official Rules & Regulations ----- "GENERAL RULES" VERSUS DUE: Every Thursday @ 11:59 PM EST LINE LIMIT: 16 ≤ YOUR VERSE ≤ 64 NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS • Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent • Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent • If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants • CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required • Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics • A failure to show will result in a loss by default • If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 2 voting links in order to claim victory • A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!! • If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote • Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers. "VOTING RULES" VOTES DUE: Every Sunday @ 11:59 PM EST • You MUST vote on AT LEAST 4 matches AND post links in your thread • EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION • You MUST also vote on the Championship and Contender matches and LABEL your links accordingly • Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 lines in length per verse to be counted • If your opponent fails to show, you are still accountable for voting on AT LEAST 2 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! • Votes posted AFTER DEADLINE will NOT COUNT in a TIE or CLOSE match, thus possibly resulting in a loss!!! • Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!! • PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 4 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter • Switch-votes must be changed within the hour of their original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be deemed void. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator *MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND* __________________ .textmastersoftheuniverse. calefaction lucifa thereturn alias2 magus quriosity speedycalhoun johndough bonniebathory metasin sephiroth ((JOIN THE RBL NOW)) ►► CLICK ME, CLICK ME ◄◄

03-05-2008, 10:10 AM	#2 (permalink)
inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Maryland Posts: 97	sigh... check. __________________ Inkwell Spontaneous Bop Prosody Consider my verses word bombs.

03-05-2008, 02:34 PM	#4 (permalink)
Stars€reen above average Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Down South where we ALL SPARK Posts: 530	Become your abusive father. Why do you hit your son (which is you)? What happened to you when you were younger that has led you to have become so violent? Expand. (DipSet) The smell of death lingers..as strong as fear in the air about mY father..who's actions are not clear I tried as hard as I could..and still told, to have been weak thought I did good on the tests, but beat for comin home with a B he always told me..that's his intentions were to make me 10 times the man and when that daY came, then I'd thank him, and then finallY understand that he's a brute..that's the truth and it's enough... how can u tell me to live right, with a bottle in Ya clutch... it feels like on the inside..I'm about to erupt ...it's so complicated I would rather it not even be discussed... I had a dream last night, the Lord was washin me in blood... ...I arose and told You, but chu just drug it through the mud My whole day is planned before I know it..You say that u love, but never show it, there's a lot more to learn..we just gotta keep growin then one day you opened, and talked about Ya mom bein fast runnin with different men..a bunch of wanna be dads with Your whole demeanor sad, you explained in a rut... how one in particular would tease u..when u didn't wanna be touched it was like he couldn't get enough..and he pushed it in delight confronted Your mother..but she just beleived what he denied Have u ever felt a feelin on the inside, as strong as the flesh??? He told me about hidin kitchen knives under his pillow.. ..before theY would come and tuck him in the bed.. he had a certain sterness in his voice, and the last thing he said.. this will never happen to You, I'll put mY whole life on a ledge.. I've never meet my grandmother, and I don't really care.. ..all I know is that dad says..she live's in Wisconsin somewhere.. and we are in Texas, this mornin I ate a sausage link for breakfast.. went to school..thinkin' of his speech, the emotions..expressions.. latter that day, I ended up bein' grabbed from the class.. ..this kid called me dumb, and said that my dad was a fag.. So i hit him..he pulled back, we both wrestled to the floor.. after about 40 seconds in..it was obvious he didn't wanna wrestle ne more the teacher tried to break it up..but I don't give a fuck about that.. ..and if anyone else jumps in, I'm willin to fight the whole class.. Then it hit me..why I'm like this, as the principal tugged at my arm.. I didn't really mean for it to go this far, or to cause any harm.. ..while sitting in the lobby, trying to get my side straight.. ..he threw the first punch, I was mostly protectin my face.. well, that's a lie..40 witnesses are hard to match.. he called me in his office, my hands shakin..feelin hardly attatched.. he told me to sit down, then it was more like "so u wanna pull cute stunts?".. how about I suspend You for 2 weeks and give out detention for month.. he said that he knew how hotheaded my dad was, and I wasn't far from the tree.. I knew that there was a tie somewhere, but how hard could it be.. "Have we ever met before?", was my respone... then he smiled and sat up.. ..I had a friend a long time ago..set me and Your, grandmother up.. "Let's just say that I cut u a break?", meet me in my office right after school....to be con'td Last edited by Stars€reen; 03-05-2008 at 03:32 PM.

03-05-2008, 11:50 PM	#5 (permalink)
inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Maryland Posts: 97	Lullabies I spend most evenings in my rocking chair, Wearing the smile all proud fathers wear. Thinking of my daughter and the thoughts we share, And all the days and nights that got us there. These sunsets on the water, are fantastically sweet, And this old oak rocking chair was hand crafted by me. Miracles are rare, this one happened to me. My daughter, her vibrance, her laughter, her glee. I remember the very night she was born. It was three in the morn, on the eve of a storm. We spent the next few days in the hospital. It was a premature birth that they say was impossible. But I'm convinced she was heaven sent, fate is unstoppable. Beautiful, even the doctors knew, they wanted to adopt her too. And when we did get her home, precious thing, dressed in pink, When we put her to bed, i would take a deep breath and sing: Golden slumber kiss your eyes, Smiles await you when you rise. Sleep, pretty baby, Do not cry, And I will sing you a lullaby. Todays is the last day of autumn, monday's winter. On a brighter note, todays our weekly sunday dinner. Supper time, the table's set, add the center peice to make it strech. Apple pie? We bake it fresh, because thats the way it taste the best. My daughter? Her name is Beth, she says her work has been major stress, Shes so thankful for these family dinners, finally a day to rest. My wife asked asked Beth as she always does, with her hands waving, When are you and that nice young man Davie, gonna give me some grand babies? "I'm just saying i'd like to have another adorable little child to hold" Beth smiled "I know. But we still have a while to go." "Oh the way we used to carry you and sing to you, "Yes beth we still cherish you and think of you!" "I know you do, hey dad, you know that one bed time song, You sang to me when i was little?" "I dont know its been so long, You know im getting old, its harder to remember things, Hm let me think... ah yes," i take a deep breath and sing: Golden slumber kiss your eyes, Smiles await you when you rise. Sleep, pretty baby, Do not cry, And I will sing you a lullaby. Its saturday morning, the sun is out and the weathers nice. Beth asked me to go house shopping, says i give the best advice. I wanted to take my car, but let her drive because we never fight, But still told her at every light, make sure you look left and right. Told her to be careful, on the road there's still some melted ice, She was always a good listener, never had to tell her twice, I asked her how she was doing, she said that she felt alright. "There's a house down the road." "How much?" "I cant tell the price. I want you to see it first" She looked at me with her grin expression. Through an intersection, i heard a horn honk but didnt know which direction, Quickly look left then, pupils dialate inside my eyes, An tractor trailer of giant size, slammed into the driver's side. ... I climb from the wreckage. The screams and cries are tremendous. My baby girl's blood dry on her necklace. I know shes gonna die, why is the question. With one broken arm, i drag her to the street. Can't understand why the passenger was me. She looks at me barely alive, gasping when she breathes. Say a final prayer to the sky, this has to be a dream! As she's dying in my arms, she says a blood choked I love you. "I love you too! But the ambulance will come soon!" ... But theres no doctors, no angels with protective wings, Eyes full of tears, i take a deep breath and sing: Golden slumber kiss your eyes, Smiles await you when you rise. Sleep, pretty baby, Do not cry, And I will sing you a lullaby. __________________ Inkwell Spontaneous Bop Prosody Consider my verses word bombs.

03-06-2008, 09:01 AM	#8 (permalink)
Lucifa Viva La Eva Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: United Kingdom Status: Rumba Raving Posts: 16,787	Star - I don't like starting out breakdowns with negativity .. but I really need to point out a major flaw in your writing .. the mechanics behind flowing a text piece are almost none .. it reads more like a story book page with bland (and sometimes none at all) rhyming on ends of lines .. vocab was subpar too .. the content of the story itself wasn't too bad .. it didn't appeal to me or really perk my interest but it was passable .. however the mechanics (multis, syllable counts, inner bars, vocab, structure, scheme) all fell short of the mark .. Ink - well .. after reading the 1st stanza and hook I was ready to just go straight to Quick Reply and vote you .. flow was smooth and the content was straight .. but I read on (of course) .. and well .. it fell off tbh .. the flow in the 2nd stanza was really rough and lost continuity .. just about being held together by the content .. 3rd picked up the flow again but never really reaching the smoothness of the 1st .. I did like the story in general but it was predictable how it ended .. however, you know Rambo is gonna kill some soldiers and win his mini war at the end of the movie - doesn't stop you watching and enjoying it though right? .. this was not the most consistent piece but it certainly had enough here .. Vote = Inkwell .. just an overall better piece in regards to both content and the mechanical aspects to writing .. __________________ Boy Better Know TMU Na Na Nai RSTL Ironman Tournament is up & running

03-05-2008, 01:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
Stars€reen above average Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Down South where we ALL SPARK Posts: 530	call

03-06-2008, 12:16 AM	#6 (permalink)
Daht Cahm The Poster Child Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 143	Not sure if I can vote yet or not... so if I'm not supposed to I apologize. Though both were basic rhyme scheme, some internal rhymes but nothing spectacular. I liked the plot twist of the abusive father piece at the end. But it's sort of hard to end it when it's a competition piece. I see where the "To Be Continued" makes it more of a story piece. But the rest of the story was sort of... "vague" to me. It just lacked emotion. Power. The lullaby, I like how you fit the lullaby into three portions of life. Reminds me of a few songs I've heard. Like the Kenny Chesney one. Though the daughter dieing was predictable you still wrote it well. And I like the ending about no angels. No ambulance. The lullaby itself made a good transition. For better overall story, with more vivid imagery I'd have to give this one to inkwell

03-08-2008, 12:08 AM	#10 (permalink)
C.Jacc Registered User Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 11	ok this was kinda funny star u started out good then u went way left with it ... as far as the topic was concerned it was a good story for sure juss missed the point.... but hey i give it up to u on flow... inkwell i gotta be honest it was a really good concept .. i liked the way u put the lulliby hit different aspects of life but yo it was kinda monotone and predictable with that concept i was expecting a huge revelation and it neva came ... still kinda waiten for it so if u ever wanna toss one on i'm down to read it my vote goes to inkwell it was more on topic. __________________ I'll read your work and reply honestly.. so if your thin skinned buy a leather jaccet *Love me or hate me ... i have no emotions.. thats why I'm reading yours.*

03-08-2008, 09:08 AM	#11 (permalink)
Bodian Mahatmaghandi Warholishit Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 89	I thought Star did well, this being one of the first ive read from the kid. I thought he had a good solid story that read well and a good twist at the end. Sure, he has some way to go, as the rest of you guys have already pointed out, but he has some potential there. His ideas arent bad at all, he just got drawn up againist a better opponent here this week in my mind... Ink had the better overall verse of the two by quite some margin, Im a sucker for the multies and the schemes and mechanics so his verse read very very strong to me, I liked how he would carry it over several lines too because that shit is mega-difficult to do and do well. He just out wrote Star here in my opinion, Ink aint as new to this as Star seems to be and it showed here. Vote - Inkwell __________________ My pee-pee brings all the girls to the yard. "I swear though... Bodian put the goddamn laughter into manslaughter!" - Advent

03-08-2008, 04:36 PM	#12 (permalink)
Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Oakland, Ca Posts: 16,322	ok starscreen... u put some effort into this piece, i can see that... but u had too much going on, the grandmother... and so forth... it wasn't clear... i liked this part of your verse... and we are in Texas, this mornin I ate a sausage link for breakfast.. went to school..thinkin' of his speech, the emotions..expressions.. latter that day, I ended up bein' grabbed from the class.. ..this kid called me dumb, and said that my dad was a fag.. So i hit him..he pulled back, we both wrestled to the floor.. after about 40 seconds in..it was obvious he didn't wanna wrestle ne more the teacher tried to break it up..but I don't give a fuck about that.. ..and if anyone else jumps in, I'm willin to fight the whole class.. and then the ending was a letdown... the twist is decent... u kind of remind me of myself when i first started though... which apparently, isn't a bad thing :-) focus on your flow and tightening up your content... you are creative and can be a beast if u focus on these things... inkwell - this was a sad piece... the hook was a nice inner, it kind of reminded me of mockingbird by eminem and i tried to sing the chorus like that ... lol ... to get the fukk effect... this piece wasn't groundbreaking, but your flow stsyed on point and u did enough to win here... Vote Inkwell... beter mechanics, story was put together better, but not by much... if starscreen could tighten up his flow and his writers voice, this could be a more interesting match in the future... __________________ ELITE

03-09-2008, 06:28 PM	#13 (permalink)
Dougie G Registered User Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Hinesville Ga Posts: 299	I have to say I really think this battle was alot closer than everybody else thought. To me both verse's were alike with nice twists at the end. Starscreen: I really like this verse alot, it flowed nicely and was easy to follow, it felt like you just took me along for a ride, and to me the twist at the end was the best part, i mean it left me in suspense, i honestly want you to do part two next week, because I wanna know what happened, good verse. Inkwell: I liked this verse also, I mean the flow was on point and it was very entertaining, but it was very predictable, like by the second chorus, i could already tell what was gonna happen, and as a reader i would rather be surprised. Vote: Starscreen for having a better twist at the end, and Chris, dont even take offense, no matter what it still looks like ur gonna win. __________________ The Republican Party Dougie G-The Return-Jook NO-SHOWS ARE FOR FAGS

03-09-2008, 08:07 PM	#14 (permalink)
MetaSin I Don't Believe In You... Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 2,040	good battle... Star... I didn't dislike your verse as some people did, but I recognize that you just need to improve a little bit. The story actually was good, but i think you had to tie in everything much better... More thought would have made it solid. Inkwell... I liked it... tho I think ur 2nd verse seemed stretched because the first verse had more concise bars. Once i erase the original rhythm it flowed easier... I liked the story, and I think the story was divided into 3 parts well... Overall it was a good piece to me, even tho the ending was somewhat predictable. Vote Inkwell __________________ TMU Precision "Ol school vibe, cuz I'm smokin reefer... and the blunt burn slow, like ya soul on ether... listenin to nasty nas and jay.... cuz ion like what other rappers got to say... blueprint, stillmatic, and yea I'm still at it... cats is lookin at me like I'm a real addict... cuz smokin that green is a real habbit... folk call me knowin that I will have it..."- Loot You don't wanna see the drama I could really Bring... I'll let that milli ring and turn ya body into silly string."- Loot

03-09-2008, 11:53 PM	#15 (permalink)
inkwell (chris) Spontaneous Bop Prosody Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Maryland Posts: 97	http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...1#post15469209 [Wk 4] 9. BaySick 0-0 v. 10. Daht Cahm 0-0 (Vote Now!) [Wk 4] Contender 5. Got Life? 12-4 v. Contender 6. Dougie G 2-1 (Vote Now!) [Wk 4] Contender 1. Lucifa 13-4 v. Contender 2. Insanevillian 3-0 (Vote Now!) __________________ Inkwell Spontaneous Bop Prosody Consider my verses word bombs.

03-10-2008, 06:53 AM	#16 (permalink)
Got Life? The Fuckin Bad Guy Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: In a place where people don't judge me for drinking vodka by the gallon and taking advantage of 18 y/o highschool girls Posts: 11,347