[WK 3]Memento 1-1 v. Bonnie Bathory 6-2

[Quriosity]

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[Memento]

indeed.

[Bonnie Bathory]

for surezeez

[Bonnie Bathory]

Deja Vu


I wake up to a half-dressed psychopath in distress
Standing over my bed with blood all over his chest
“I just escaped death!” he kept repeating, I finish waking,
Wait, I know this heathen, its Steven seeking haven
With a broken hand and bleeding from fleeing the scene
“Bonnie, please you gotta hide me, the cops are after me!”
I grab some clothes, and start to rummage for a bandage
Scrapes across his chest, all color from him famished
“Everything’s okay, don’t stress, you’re safe at my place”
He broke down exclaiming, “He took one in the face!”
“Who took one in the face?! WHO TOOK ONE IN THE FACE?!”
He was sobbing; “Bobby” and my knees began to shake
Bobby’s my mother’s favorite kid, I truly hate it
But once Steven said those words, I just couldn’t take it
And I barely made it to the bathroom before I puked
And I fell on the floor and cried, denying it was true
“I hate you! Oh my God, what did you do?!
He was such a good kid; this is all because of you!”
I think I blacked out next, cuz Bobby’s face began to change
It twisted out of shape, and his hair burst into flames
His voice demonic now and I’ve grown kinda neurotic
Thinking is Steven a demon or am I going psychotic?
Is this another dimension? But then the floor vanishes
And I’m on the edge of my rooftop cold & panicking
I’m pushed off and frantic, falling into abyss
As Steven’s whisper echoes, “you killed me stupid bitch”
And I wake up to a half-dressed psychopath in distress
Standing over my bed with blood all over his chest
“I just escaped death!” he kept repeating, I finish waking,
Wait, I know this heathen, its Steven seeking haven…

[Memento]

Wearing out a lonely glow, from phony smiles and fake hellos
God I trust He'd only know, there's so many piles I raked below
From turning a new leaf, to crying over this huge grief
I followed my path back and learned how I was unique
Here I stand on both feet, I've met the destination I came for
But these fools won't see, they'll get a desecrating anchor
A word to the wise, the kinds of men and women with clues
You haven't met your match until you've walked in my shoes



The dark hues are a ruse, they said I'd turn my back on you
But my stance is stark, you see don't you? I'll lead a pack of you
Your memory's astute, it's a far fetch your brain could compute
Sure, I've feigned I had proof... can I not catch a break or two?
I carry the torch, without me you're nothing, stranded in the void
But with me, you're everything to me, and granted... it's a ploy
It's also the truth your situation of life is threatened
A guy I knew wanted to spend his afterlife in Heaven
I said "Sir have you read the bible?" He said "No I'm a rebel"
I said "I know the bible off the back of my hand," he reveled
"And I'm in Hell for eternity," I bluntly spoke
Pulled the chair from his feet as he hung from a rope
It was his own choice to die, I never saw him again
And yet you're here with me, just the common men
You can't possibly think that God could ever love you
Hell, God chose me to worship man, He doesn't love you

Let the war resume, this is the time of the villain
A thousand years, a thousand lives turn to a million
Another brick in the underworld, as I build my empire
Not willing to retire for everlasting life spilled into fire

[Lucifa]

Bonnie - packed a lot of punch into the small compact verse .. it had most of the bases covered with really nice wording in places .. a mix of abstract material mixed in with vivid imagery .. using the structure of repeating the intro at the end when using "Deja Vu" as a topic/title isn't going to win any creativity or originality points .. but to be honest .. the creativity comes from the text rather than the concept here .. and I feel you did a solid job ..

Mem - not quite sure what I make of this .. I read it twice cos I was left feeling confused as fuck after the 1st read .. and even after the 2nd I'm still sure I understand who the author is .. I thought the devil .. then maybe an executioner .. then maybe some metaphor in here I'm missing .. I dunno .. it just doesn't feel clear on who the "I" character is .. saying that .. the piece itself was an enjoyable read .. some nice lines and again had that abstract feel to it .. although this felt more fantasy based .. good flow and vocab etc. .. just confusing ..

Vote = Bonnie .. both verses were good reads .. but Bonnie's first and foremost was the clearer and concise .. if Mem had given his character a bit more development so the reader knows who they're engaging with .. he may well have took this .. it just felt it lacked an ingredient it really needed .. Bonnie takes this for me ..

decent battle overall ..

[Got Life?]

Bonnie - this was a cool verse for what it was although I'd really like to see you put more effort into your pieces and climb out of the same zone that you always seem to be in...the flow was butter though and I like how you hit on the deja vu topic by using the repetition in your voice although at the end of the day this piece lacked depth to bring sense and clarity to what was really going on.

Mem - I would love to see you go all out on a piece because your writing seems to leave me wanting more, essentially this was the case here, you built up an intriguing character and put forth some great imagery, yet you didn't put enough on the table for everyone to get what you wrote. Granted I don't encourage people to dumb things down, but I feel that you could have built the piece more to add strength to the character development, although I basically figured the character as the devil.

Anyway, I think mem had a piece that to me was more creative and intriguing.

vote = Memento.

[.:Pain:.]

Bonnie - This shit was pretty amazing for such a short verse. I esp. love how you used your topics, that was very creative interpretation. This was almost like a short story and less of a rap verse, but it was an incredibly well written short story. Your flow was very nice for 99% of the verse, I can really only find a couple of lines that don't really fit the flow of the verse, and it's def not enough to take anything away from you. Your rhyme scheme also came and went throughout the verse, but I didn't even really notice, your content was so intense. Overall, a very creative, well written verse.

Mem - You've surprised me over the past two weeks, I honestly didn't think you were this good of a writer. Your style of writing is very unique and it's a lot different from any other writers in this league. I wish you would work on your flow more, because some of the lines are terribly stretched. Mechanics aside, your abstract style of writing is very nice. I wish you would develop more, just add a verse full of relatable imagery, add some sort of concrete-ness to your verses, and you'd be a beast. This was a very hard decision, and although your verse was very dope, I think bonnie had the better overall verse. Work on your mechanics and you'll be a top contender.

Vote - Bonnie...

[Quriosity]

bonnie, a bit of a let down and a surprise at the same time, while i found this below your level of creativity, execution, skill and the whole nine it still turned out to be a pretty fulfilling verse for the length, the dialouge was a bit immature-ish and the flow was off at times but overall the plot was decent and you conveyed the story well, very brief and yet still complete or at least it appeared to be seeing as how the story was supposed to feel somewhat incomplete in a sense, nevertheless.. there isn't much to say about such a short verse and there isn't much room for complaint, characters weren't developed but at the same time it didn't feel necessary, the emotion fit the script and was neither overstated nor understated, all in all the elements were in unison minus the flow, it didn't measure up to your normal standard, but i still dug it

memento, i appreciated the mature vibe from this piece mainly due to good word usage but at times i feel it was slightly overdone, the flow was also stronger for the most part than bonnie's and really aided in the progression of the story, the story in itself was somewhat less clarified than the opposition and felt less complete, i see what you tried to do and in the end i think i added most of it up correctly but i feel this would have accomplished more with a little more length to it, as short as this was i felt the story was too brief and skipped too many grave opportunities for supporting details, the result was a distorted story with what appeared to be a pretty decent storyline/subject matter but which was never tied together thoroughly by the writer in order to aid the reader, in the end i still liked it and enjoyed the note that it ended on but i just didn't feel complete after i read it and had to skim through it a few extra times to even begin to feel so

in the end, i've gotta vote for - bonnie bathory on this one, but dope battle

twas a very tough call, but i just felt as though hers was pulled together better for the better total package whereas mem's idea seemed to be more intriguing and had the potential of being outstanding and yet he fell short and sacrificed content to match lengths with his opponent

[Dougie G]

bonnie: Now this is what i am talking about, This is the type of shit i am use to seeing u wtie, I guarantee if you dont get a title this season, it will be a big suprise, Contrary to what everyone else said, I liked you verse alot, it felt lke i was watching a short movie.

memento: Well this piece flowed togehter, but I thikn the length was what killed you, I mean it was great but it lacked chracter development.

Vote: Bonnie, for having a more complete verse

[inkwell (chris)]

good battles, a couple of short verses. bonnie your verse was very enjoyable, made you think, but was actually solveable unlike mementos. well, unsolvebale is too strong, but it was challenging. the form was creative too. memento if you would have wrapped your verse up better, maybe a few extra bars or what not u might have got this.

vote - bonnie

[Insanevillian]

memento, i THOUGHT u had this thing locked up...

only because i am strongly against the DREAM Scenario...

BUT, u didn't end your piece well either and Bonnie had better progression through her verse...

your verse also had good progression, but it fell off more to the middle while, Bonnie's fell off on the last 6 bars when i realized it was ANOTHER dream verse

Vote bonnie...

[-Sephiroth-]

Bonnie, good story. it didn't lack in any area and the imagery was crazy.

Memento, i liked this story, but i just didn't think it was complete. i don't know, i thought it was missing something.

vote - bonnie, close one though.

[Memento]

[WK 3]MetaSin 0-0 v. Stars€reen 0-0
[WK 3]Got Life? 11-4 v. -Sephiroth- 1-1
[WK 3]Eye-Rime 14-2 v. Pain 1-0 (Needs Votes!)
[WK 3]Insanevillian 2-0 v. inkwell (chris) 2-0

[Bonnie Bathory]

i been tryin to post a vote all night the board is messin w/ me wth