19. Atreyu vs. 20. DahLohner

[Tha Talent]

DUE DATES


VERSES DUE Thursday 10:00pm PACIFIC/1:00am EST/

VOTES DUE Sunday 10:00am PACIFIC/1:00pm EST


TOPICS

RSTL Topics 8-22-04

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60 lines - MAXIMUM


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if you win by no-show u are encouraged to vote still in other matches!!!!



Go Forth and Produce

[Tha Talent]

nevermind

[DahLohner]

9. Pick a historical figure, and write from their perspective, as you describe the meaning of freedom...may or may not be done through stories

***

Born in Georgia, forged for a destiny "blessed"/
Passed every test and left academically BEST/
Invested in the Power of God like priests marrying/
But His concept of freedom left me carrying/
Doubts about the government as heavy as iron/
Instead of relying on czars and political science/
I decided my freedom lies in pursuing a riot/
The movement was strong, but needed a leader to carry it/
So who better than me to teach the proletariat?/
Crafting manifestos to expose violent massacres/
Which occured as the spurts of rebellion emerged/
Defining "Freedom"? Our's depends on those in power/
And how much they can suck from foes and cowards/
The time has finally come to claim our stake/
Take a stand, revamp this 'shame" with grace/
The meaning of freedom lies within my life/
And the deed ive done despite the strife/
Tore my nation apart, for a cause that's worthy/
Political crime gave hard time before I was thirty/
So freedom to me is being fearless of the shank/
Or the dogs, or the cold sickness darker and dank/
Than any before and scores of sores from labor/
Made em feel my bruises oozing thru the boisterous papers/
And pamphlets which anxiously spread the fire/
Sparking an blaze of action that rose in spires/
Experiment at best, but we called it "revolution"/
Helped write the constitution, all because my elocution/
Enraptured masses and wrapped synapses up/
And soon all my brethren will sip the fancy cup/
Of riches that await a country for the people/
By the people, of the people, not the evil/
Fascism that harrases the Europeans/
Their "freedom'" is a demon they're incapable of seein'/
A "freedom" that I'm hell-bent to put in 'inferno'/
But damn, i think this is too much to put in a journal/
Last entry, cuz who knows where this'll end up/
Don't want folks to think I'm weak and defenseless/
So hereby end the chronicles,.... all in/
The young life of J. Vissarionovich Stalin/

Moscow, 1919





IMOUT

[-Atreyu-]

Jesus!...*runs*i need to get out of this state before that lady calls a cop!

-5 minutes ago
[A lady pedestrian sees a man falls and runs to his aid]
Sir are you Ok?

As a matter fact!I almost had a fuckin heart-attack!
Wasted energy swipin at these giant flapping bats!
What?Oh my name is Jack...*maybe u should move with the fog...
She'll tell the nazi cops and theyll hunt you down like dogs...
Jackobi!...look thanks for the help maa'm
but ill be leaving now...as part of todays plan...


-30 minutes ago-
theres a lot wrong about this...it has feeble ends
i feel it in my limbs!...the weasels are closing in
Ok...just calm down...breaaaathe...learn how to move
if they fly really close...youre gonna shank them goons
if i run now...theyre sonar will hear my feet rattle
my hearts a glitch...this bitch aint ready for battle
plus the CASE!...heh...nah i aint droppin my baby
ill be petrified for days in a maze trrapped crazy
movin swazy...maybe because im a habit maker
my fuckin heart feels like...like an alligator!
*You scurvy shyster bastard!Watch your swayed language!
focus on the wings and show them what youre made with!
if the case hits...the vein splits and thats when youve done your damage!
youre a samurai warrior...swing away and manage!
to kill...kill...kill!you know you feel the thrill
when bats disrespect you...make their blood spill!


-1 hr ago-
"What the fuck am i doing here!?somebody call the police!
I need help!"he screams in the dark with mumbled speech
He walks the streets...holding the CASE! he grasps with his hand
Jumping at sirens...ducking in bushes like forced command
he curses and damns!...walks like a Llama on Drugs
thru yards with barking dogs walking on snails and slugs
"its absolutely imperative that i try to stay asleep...
have i deteriorated to the level of a dumb beast!?..."
Dont speak so loud!you want the pigs to hear you!?
they dont fear you!the animals will come,grab and meal you!
"where did these gotdamn animals come from!?the pits!?
i dont remember the purpose of this TriP...

-2 hrs ago-
TORN YELLOW PAGES with dealer's ads ticked off lie...
on the carpet...unbundled with traces of green slime
in between its lines...next to a CASE! loaded and filled with...
75 pellets of masculine,acid,weed and a mix...
of assorted galaxys of downers,screamers ether n other shit...
tequila,a gallon of rum,beer,amyls and needle tips
"some good shit!"as he stares blankly at the ceiling...
*The lights go out...heavily revealing
*A shadow...as Jack grabs and closes the case
slams the apt. door almost breaking it off its gates
screaming..."ILL ESCAPE!the pigs wont catch me today!
using bats as their spys!they wanna play!?then well play!"







*=The Drug
*=The Electricity goes out
*=A bird Statue on his table

[-Atreyu-]

10. You are extra paranoid today...why?...tell us what happens.

nice from both of yall.

Lohner, damn that shit was hot. on the L-dog scale that shit gets an OMG!!! and you used Stalin as your historical figure and put him in there so nice. unless you knew he was a fuckin Nazi commander and that's what you were talking bout, you'd be lost at how tight this shit was. Nice all the way from beginning to ending. The vocab was on point too, you kinda sounded like a stuck up ass nazi. lol

Atreyu, good story, but I don't understand how it starts off paraniod of Nazi cops 5 minutes ago in the story, when Nazi germany hasn't been around in decades. But as you continue, your visions get descriptive and nice with the story as you unfold this drug shit that making you trip out. I like this one too

Vote DaLohner
He just took it to another level with his story and that shit was tighter than anything I've read here in a while

[DahLohner]

Votes

25. Ikue vs. 26. Lord of Emo
http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...05#post9827105
http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...28#post9843128
http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread...73#post9843473

[-Atreyu-]

Votes:
1. 29. MYSTERIOUS vs. 30. JS Free

[Edward Lake]

Atreyu...still writing outlandish shit I see...decent story...hard to follow at times, entertaining and amusing at others...a bit too average though..

Dahlohner...damn I so totally didn't see the Stalin thing coming...that's a damn good twist. Flow was butters as always and the pace was excellent...you know how to guide a reader through a piece..

Atreyu you did well but got outmatched here..

vote = Dahlohner.

[Mac Flow]

lol I dunno bout you Atreyu...that was um, different. Decent flow and stuff, I just dont know how much I liked the color changes and stuff, I can see where it was supposed to fit the story like his paranoia, but this guy was facing more than paranoia he was hallucinating and fugging about 60% mental lol. Um, decent piece, I couldn't really get too much into it cuz it seemed like a far cry from anything even thinkable, but ok...

dahlohner, well done. You really did a good job of building up to who the character was without fully exposing him. I like how you put the born in Georgia so kids would think it was the wrong Georgia from beginning, putting even more an element of surprise in there. the word choice was great, and the development was cool. well written my friend

vote = Dahlohner ... atreyu you really just gotta start writing like you take this seriously, I mean honestly I Read your verse and thought it was a joke, like not a ha-ha joke but a joke as in "why do I care who votes for me"

good luck y'all

[-Atreyu-]

OOOOOOK...ill just start writing your typical RSTL'ian story...about being depressed...with the same rhyme scheme as the rest of you..THE SAME OLD BORING SHIT.Then maybe ill get some votes...or is it that the RSTL is not ready for my abstract storytelling?
Look.Since you people dont understand the story...it starts off like wtf?ok why is he saying these things?then u get lil revelations about the CASE!...why hes on this "TriP"...and what caused him to be paranoid out on the streets swiping at bats.You can choose to read the stroy from the bottom up...or from top to bottom.Gotdamn.Ill just stop being creative for u fools.

[-Atreyu-]

and FUCK a crew vote.

[pictor ignotus]

your story or whatever you call it was well written but it was jsut hard to follow. but not an outstandigly written epiece either.

dahloner came nice smooth flow, excellent piece well written and thought out. word usage was great too.

vote- Daloner

[Tha Talent]

DahLohner
though i think, from a 1919 perspective, Lenin would have been a better choice, this was a very dope verse...showed the definition of freedom in the terms of the 20th century's most ruthless dictator...so original in that perspective...i liked how you brought out a young and still idealistic Stallin...the writing was well done, though there were a few places where i would have added a syllable to make the flow more fluid, because the lines were short...very well done though...what i expect from DahLohner, something to provoke my mind.

Atreyu:
honestly, you have potential...but right now your writing isn't polished and you are going for the most overblown stories imaginable...too much happening, and not enough cohesion between your lines...the flow was alright, and you didn't bore me...but you've really got to polish up your skills and make things smoother in every way...lose the cocky attitude and start following advice and you could end up successful in this league.

vote=Dah
way better writing and concept

[doYen]

atreyu:

it's not that people dont understand what you're writing, it's that they do and they're really like WTF, as i was, i didn't really see anything abstract about this, yea the dude was paranoid, ok, now why dont you add a little e to things, create a sub-plot to go with why he's paranoid, create something that we WONT expect and hit us with a twist like dahloner did, his story was really polished, and the twist at the end was a shocker, i honestly, didn't see it coming, he was just the better writer, your story wasn't bad, but it could've been better, and just to clear things up, remeber that you are writing to impress your readers, not yourself, this is a competiton league, if you just want critique, go to the open mic section, but you have potential, and can excel, just stop bitching about peoples votes, and take the feedback and critisism as a learning process

vote - dahloner

[DahLohner]

Talent- Word, I really debated between Lenin and Stalin, but i thought Stalin would create a higher dramatic potential. Lenin isn't ever really corrupted, he was just a figurehead that the Communists after him would use to excuse and direct their atrocities. Also, I jus have this feeling that, like all of us, Stalin at once was prolly VERY HIGHLY MOTIVATED, had a social conscience and TRULY believed the world could be changed..i jus really wanted to find where exactly, what happened to CORRUPT him..but that will have to wait for another verse lol. oh and the writing is a little stuck cuz i'm RUSTY like ya big brother's tricycle..fo'Shizzle.

IMOUT

[-Atreyu-]

Fuck you.

[Khôi NguJin]

dahloner...that was a hot verse in all perspectives. written with much knowledge on the subject at hand. and although i don't know much about stalin, you taught me some. original and creative from my viewpoint cos the journal entry was dope. written with such vocab to pull the dictionary out. feellin the style u came with and it was thought provoking. nice flow too.

atreyu..why all the negativity? ioono, but you write smoothly with all that stuff jumbled together. interesting style, but too much going on at once really tunes the reader out and what u want to do is get the reader anxious to keep on going. had me losing interest. if you have to describe your verse, then it wasn't clear enough for people to recognize it. i understand where you're comming from, but take the criticism and use it to make you better.

v.DahLohner, he took this.

[Tha Talent]

Winner: DahLohner 4-0
Loser: Atreyu 8-4