depression of a gemini (written 2 years ago)

This is a discussion on depression of a gemini (written 2 years ago) within the Poetry Realm forums, part of the Intellect Zone category; poem-depression of a gemini, during the poem a female comes in basically a woman whose placing looking at the burial ...


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Old 03-31-2006, 01:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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depression of a gemini (written 2 years ago)

poem-depression of a gemini, during the poem a female comes in basically a woman whose placing looking at the burial site grieving
cemetary moon-dead sun

we placed a rose in a garden- cemetary secrets were spoken new life from prose of red to the sonnet of the dead- whispers were heard ,the life would wither and die,
wilted in a society that could only speak in dreams- ghost resvisours laid into defiant eyes- auraed arms reaching into forever -masoleum goddess-she writes with her fingers into the granite opera looking into eternity - revery now a forest of planets that fall like stars- an avalanche of dream speak-the petals of scarlet taken from the budding chalice , placid where death greeted the strong and the meek- a reverse angel that winged the virtues of death- life a futile concept of heaven noturned into the shadow of perception- and now the flower left in ash - tomb stones as clouds- cemetary moon providing life- two poets zodiac signed invoked two fates two rows of soul 1 voice two pens 1 body two men 1 spirit layed into humanity

Last edited by Alexanderdahate; 03-31-2006 at 03:38 AM.
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Old 04-01-2006, 10:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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if your opinion is good or bad drop some comments i need opinions
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Old 04-01-2006, 02:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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man i got to say,
you got such a melodic way with your words...
this was a very creative and original idea
im gemini also,lol
but i loved the title and idea and i always loved your word usage
its always refreshing and dope
the paragraph structure ive never liked....
but thats ok if thats your style...
keep it original...
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Old 04-02-2006, 06:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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To me it has a cluttered feel to it.
Maybe it's a bit....wordy?
To me there isn't a defining image behind it...there is no "meat" so to speak.
My suggestions would be to really take a good look at it and figure out where the heart of this piece is and rework it a bit to make it really solid. Take out the filler and leave the really solid images.
I'll be mean and not tell you what I think the more solid parts are right now...but I would like to see what you think they are if you decide to revise.
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