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Dear _____
I want to die.
Really. I do.
It's not fair and not right,
and not smart
and not an easy thing to admit
and my mind isn't so far gone that I
don't realize that it's the most selfish thought I've ever had.
A part from wanting to let go I mean...
and to be the only one, who could see it,
the lonely connection that was, is,
and always will be what we shared
and some how in end what makes us both sick.
And change has come,
in many forms and many storms,
in dark clouds and worst of all,
creeping into the bright times that were what I always needed to see.
They were always special to me.
And I love my mama, and I love my brothers
I love my friends and this life I've been given,
but from my first step, I've been tripping...
walking just off center, and shit...
I don't even drink much anymore.
Honest to god.
I never drank too much anytime in this life,
Not too much...
since the blood that runs through these veins,
is genetically more than likely, over the legal limit anyway.
I just want to stop breathing, to stop needing
to stop seeing the strong kid who's become such a weakling.
And that's it too,
I'm too scared and too aware to ever go that way.
I won't go into that gentle night just yet,
but I just thought you should know,
It has crossed my mind.
So I'll fight the urge to make that final decision,
to let go of everything I have and everything that's been written,
because I know, deep down,
this choice is one that I won't follow through with.
I've given too much to live for,
to just put myself down.
But I will die, hundreds of times
wondering how I should do it,
and the best place my family should find me,
And I'll want to sow shut,
ever last word that slipped out of my mouth,
I'll live this life again...what we had is dead.
Guess that's enough for now.
__________________
Im in repair
Im not together
But Im getting there..
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