Prelude To Pregnancy (Revised)

This is a discussion on Prelude To Pregnancy (Revised) within the Poetry Realm forums, part of the Intellect Zone category; To those who got to see the old piece, I think this is a little better, I re-wrote it completely. ...


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Old 08-01-2005, 04:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Prelude To Pregnancy (Revised)
To those who got to see the old piece, I think this is a little better, I re-wrote it completely.



See, I used to know this
white girl...
her boyfriend had trouble
unstrapping her bra in the
theatres, I think it was Spider-Man 2.

This reality is tainted
and a little bit of tounge
pressed upon my lips
tastes like a november walk.
A conversation I had with her...

I looked into her eyes,
and saw ecstasy.
She wanted to unzip my pants
and kiss me until I confessed
that I didn't love her because she
was "beautiful,"
but because I needed some...

She had a beauty mark on her ass...
and I used to think about
fucking her atleast twice a day...
Maybe I'm being too blunt,
but two blunts and orange
juice with Vodka will make her
yell for Jesus and his sins...

And I thought about,
"the saddest girl to hold a martini..."
and remembered how close
we were to making out
in your garage,
or your grandma's house,
or that little rocket slide
your little sister used to chase me around...

Then I thought about
my girlfriend...
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Old 08-01-2005, 10:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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"Damn girl..." I said...
"We're fuckin' tonight..." She said...
"Hell yeah..." I said...
okay then? lol, nah but the title had me thinking otherwise, I don't know just something else but after reading this its duhh to me what its about. But I'm just wondering, what in the hell is so romantic about that^? Or, hmm that was the gist? That line, where you said something about mistake, it kinda made me think that too. Oh, that was the line right after it.

I didn't like the last part, it just threw me off man. Either I felt it ended too shortly or it was that last line. One of those. Or maybe both? lol. You know the drill, keep writing!

-Much Love
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Old 08-02-2005, 12:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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twinkletoes takes it up the butt!
I gotta disagree with the last poster - the end was my favorite part - it really put you (the reader) in the moment...

Only part I wasn't feelin was the "he said/she said/he said" verse --- I like the dialogue and the raw/realness of it, I'd just get rid of the "saids"
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Old 08-02-2005, 01:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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haha...

your awsome man. I love the beginning. awsome way to start things out. Imagery is perfect.


"Damn girl..." I said...
"We're fuckin' tonight..." She said...
"Hell yeah..." I said...

As we enter a door to Heaven,
or a mistake... "

^this is the one part I don't especially like. Not because of the content necissarily but the way it was put together. I found it awkward to read.


rest of the poem is basically quotable. Nice twist on a cliche' in the last line. (till the stars don't shine) suprising but extremely appropriate.

also feeling how you need the title for the poem. the two could be seperated, but their individual impacts, or those compared to others would lack the connection they have to each other. (I think I said that right lol)

dope poem.

-ashes
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Old 08-02-2005, 01:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hahaaaa..the title is priceless...

It's such an impulsive poem and..well....What and where does impulse get you..
for many it is pregnancy!

I liked this!!
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Old 08-02-2005, 03:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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damn @ the ending, this was nice. Though its revised and all, it has that feeling that didn't quite change. ehh, I meant that as in good. Like, don't change just cause somebody wants you to. EHH you know what I mean. If not too bad

but you little troll I hope you still have the 'original' to this! Keep writing.

-Much Love
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Old 08-02-2005, 04:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I like the other one better..

mannn...this is hot but..why change it?
Hey, either way...nice job!
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Old 08-02-2005, 08:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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twinkletoes takes it up the butt!
Am I the only one who feels that this is a TOTALLY different poem? Maybe I'm confusing myself, but this is completly different that before. I understand that it's the same experience, but one experience can lend itself to two (or more) conflicting poems/emotions...

I like this a lot - it's got the same relatability that I see in all of your poetry - - I always read your work and identify with it in a deep way, which is really the goal...

I hope you didn't get rid of the "original" as it was just as dope...
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Old 08-02-2005, 11:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I still have the other one, I like this a little better, but either way, neither one of them are really my style of writing, just experiments.

I appreciate you girls replying twice.. I love y'all lol..

you too ManMade!!!

I'll be posting a new poem riggghhhhhttt now...
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Old 08-03-2005, 01:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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i dont get it.. i write with a totally diff style then most people here.. mabey thats why
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Old 08-03-2005, 05:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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ManMadeofAshes takes it up the butt!
She had a beauty mark on her ass...
and I used to think about
fucking her atleast twice a day...
Maybe I'm being too blunt,
but two blunts and orange
juice with Vodka will make her
yell for Jesus and his sins...

lol.
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Old 08-03-2005, 01:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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^ I know, right? lol

and hmm @ Ali... u back? More beef? lol
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lmao @ you not knowin Chris Brown was a blood
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Old 08-04-2005, 06:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Man I don't even remember reading the original version. I guess I didn't get the chance too lol. But yeah man this was a cool piece. Very blunt and kind of straight to the point. Didn't really like the ending though. Reminds me of some shit I'm going through. Keep your dick in your pants boy.

One luv
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Old 08-04-2005, 07:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Wicked5744 takes it up the butt!
No real symbolism in this or eloquent descriptions, just pretty much what happened. Keep the ink flowin, 1.
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Old 08-06-2005, 12:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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KAtpower takes it up the butt!
um, thanks for your comment...I am getting you back. who do I sound like. That bites becasue i like to think that I am unique. I liked your poem .. it 's very frisky. No wonder that girl was playin 'cause her man(boy) didnt know how to undo her strap. (that's week!)
this stanza:
I looked into her eyes,
and saw ecstasy.
She wanted to unzip my pants
and kiss me until I confessed
that I didn't love her because she
was "beautiful,"
but because I needed some...

.. oh the sick ways little boys and girls play with eachother!
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Old 08-06-2005, 12:14 AM   #16 (permalink)
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eh, sick little ways? i'll just take your reply as a comment and leave it as it is..

i don't know, maybe uhh.. what's his face... tooshort21 maybe, lol..

but yeah, good looks.
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lmao @ you not knowin Chris Brown was a blood
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Old 08-07-2005, 01:23 PM   #17 (permalink)
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.Malone. takes it up the butt!
* I read this after you edited it*

By the title I thought you were gonna tell the story about a hoe but I was wrong,

This story is mad nice, at first I thought you fucked her, then as I got in the middle I discovered you didn't, but the end was a good twist, having a girlfreind this is nice son
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Old 08-10-2005, 05:09 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Bhitiah takes it up the butt!
I dunno, I read the other one but didnt reply to it ...and I'm just replying to this to be an ass...But other then that , It was good ...You definately have a way with words and the way you put things down........sometimes, you just seem so fake to me tho ....
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Old 08-10-2005, 05:10 AM   #19 (permalink)
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man, i didnt mean that like...toward your poetry or nothing, your stuff's hott...and obviously I didnt mean that toward you as a person because I dont know you ....but i know what I did mean and if you wanna know what I mean, get @ me on aim ...

oh, and oj and vodka is a bitch drink ...i seen on your myspace page that you said some shit like, oh i love orange juice and vodka that's my shit or some nonsense, and then in here you say it's gonna make the bitch scream your name or something....

you want a bitch to scream your name, get her some whiskey or somethin stronger then some orange juice and vodka, cause if your gettin bitches screamin yor name after a couple orange juice and vodka's then ....they was hoes in the first place....

that is of course, only if you need to get a girl tipsy before she'll scream your name....


Just friendly advice.
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Old 08-10-2005, 01:16 PM   #20 (permalink)
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