Guilty as born (The realist I've ever wrote)

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Old 05-08-2005, 04:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
free the oppressed.
 
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Guilty as born (The realist I've ever wrote)
The clock struck 4, like a whip on an educated slave
I prayed, not to be slayed
as the vomit stench mixed feces scarred my nostrils
My sanity ran lucid with my snot nose
hot, cold
not sold
my pride
the eyes
the windows of the soul that had a ball crash through it
the cell, the mail
the jail, the 25 with an L
THE HELL!!
The ash on my elbow, and the ash from the fire are parallel
I am prepared to fail
no lies and gimmicks
because if I do not fail I do not know my limits
or is it
a glass roof
that keeps gooks
from jumping through
And making a name that's not based on the slant of an eye
I laugh and I cry
I'll rant till I die
for my blacks, asians, and latins,
until I'm trapped in
It's all happened to me
"GO BACK TO YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY (insert racist word)"
actually
If you gave me my 40 acres and a mule I'd happily leave
I've been here before this is no rehearsal
uncle sam is white, but there's blacks in the army commercials
WHAT ARE WE DUMB?
are we suppose to feel equal
because the sequel
to be all you can be
is an army of 1???
all we have is us the minority
there's more of me,
whom are born free
as I yawn and step out of bed.. I will never fall PRISONER to conformity
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"Somewhere a True Believer is training to kill you. He is training with minimal food or water, in austere conditions, training day and night. The only thing clean on him is his weapon. He doesn't worry about what workout to do - his ruck weighs what it weighs, his runs end when the enemy stops chasing him. This True Believer is not concerned about 'how hard it is;' he knows either he wins or dies. He doesn't go home at 17:00, he is home.
He knows only The Cause."

Win or Die.

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Last edited by J o o k; 05-08-2005 at 02:37 PM.
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Old 05-08-2005, 05:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Unexplainable takes it up the butt!
dam fam, thats some ill shit. Makes me feel bad for bein white :(.... well cant help that. The topic is flames, and u totally killed it. Good to see that an extreme battle head can settle down n spit the poetry as well. awesome piece. Short lines add to the dramatic effect that it brings.
"all we have is us the minority
there's more of me,
whom are born free
as I yawn and step out of bed.. I will never fall PRISONER to conformity"

perfect closer, couldnt think of a better way to end it... props man

-1-
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Old 05-08-2005, 05:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Luther takes it up the butt!
Non-conformity is commendable. I don't know if you know it or not, but eh...There are a lot of rich and powerful minorities these days. I'm not trying to disagree.

If you gave me my 40 acres and a mule

Certainly this should have been done 140yrs ago. 40 acres and a mule means something else today. It sounds to me like you want someone to give you a winning lotto ticket. 40 acres and a mule meant an opportunity to succeed, which is now available although it is certainly no guarantee. Steps should be taken to help minorities, agreed. But a handout doesn't help a drug addict. I call it loving them to death, literally. I am a pragmatic progressive. Change can and does happen, but not overnight.

I don't know why I ranted here. Maybe because I read educated, and two lines later nostrils misspelled. A moot point I know. I've probably got errors gallore, afterall it is 4:22 in the morning. Anyways, I live in a military town, and there are a lot of Black men in the military. I don't know all of them, of course, but some of them are outstanding individuals. That doesn't mean that I applaud military ideals. blah blah blah...Im gonna shut up.lol
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Old 05-08-2005, 06:21 AM   #4 (permalink)
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AlmostFamous takes it up the butt!
The clock struck 4, like a whip on an educated slave
I prayed, not to be slayed
as the vomit stench mixed feces scarred my nostrols
My sanity ran lucid with my snot nose
hot, cold
not sold
my pride
the eyes


damn man.. watch out for this guy hes all of a sudden poetic..lol

no for real though..lol this was a bad ass introduction you reeled me in with it very effectively

mos def feeling... rep check
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Old 05-08-2005, 11:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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what the!?!?!....oh snap Jook this was tight.....(Now I see why you seem overconfident in the SLAM)

amazing piece right here

I just was talking to my cousin who got out of prision....and it was crazy....but we gotta escape the prision on the outside...and the prision of our minds with built in limits

crazy concept but this poem hit me hard

It's all happened to me
"GO BACK TO YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY (insert racist word)"
actually
If you gave me my 40 acres and a mule I'd happily leave

^wooooord up


props


PS: DONT FORGET TO PEEP OTHERS
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Old 05-08-2005, 12:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Birks takes it up the butt!
great drop....ill ass little flow man...props...
Cool concept and very good quality read...
stay writing!
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Old 05-08-2005, 12:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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FreakEmoWriter9 takes it up the butt!
the beginning reminded me of DMX's Who We Be, which i love that song and this poem just totally made me love it too. The theme was clearly stated and so was the point. keep droppin that hott shit that way you'd leave ur mark burned on this forum.
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Old 05-08-2005, 04:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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xomzi takes it up the butt!
In this poem I saw a person with emotions bottled inside. The emotions spilled across the paper very nicely. I enjoyed the read.
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Old 05-08-2005, 04:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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eM-T takes it up the butt!
a professional writer will warn amatures not to feed the reader expectations and then not deliver. I like your style, but this is most certainly what you did with your topic. (the realist I have ever wrote) or whatever it said. Your poem "yes this is about YOU" beats this shit out of the water when it comes to being real. You got my hopes up man, cause that first poem was awsome.. and then you claimed this better and it wasnt. You lied. You didnt deliver. Big no no man.

beyond that the poem was good. definately feeling that shit about the army. Very well put. Sort of wrote a poem about that a while ago. (lower class but on top of the draft)

I thought your last line felt awkward. It didnt carry any momentum with it. That is because you had a lot of very vived imagery and then the end was just words. That is it.. just some words that say .. Im not going to conform. It just seemed a bland way to end a hot poem. More of that.. you built me up the the end and then just said.. fuck it. you got this far what else you want from me? too bad. Im not conforming. haha. maybe you were trying to be clever like that but I doubt it. (just cause that isnt very clever and you obviously has some very solid work) Anyway. That is just honest feed from a single perspective. Anyway.. all Ive had time for as of late is a few free flows.. so I suppose it would be just as easy (or rather I know it is cause I am already re working some of em) to pick my shit apart and tell me my weaknesses. Which is actually cool. cause I doubt I know all my weaknesses eh. anyway I ramble no more.

"I laugh and I cry
I'll rant till I die
for my blacks, asians, and latins,
until I'm trapped in
It's all happened to me
"GO BACK TO YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY (insert racist word)"
actually"

^love how all that flows

stay up. And no more false advertising. Otherwise your conforming to commercialism eh?

-eMpTy
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Old 05-08-2005, 05:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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"I am prepared to fail
no lies and gimmicks
because if I do not fail I do not know my limits" <<<Damn ...


Loved this ...
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Old 05-09-2005, 02:07 AM   #11 (permalink)
free the oppressed.
 
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J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!J o o k will do you doggie style!
Thanks for peeping it's much appreciated.
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"Somewhere a True Believer is training to kill you. He is training with minimal food or water, in austere conditions, training day and night. The only thing clean on him is his weapon. He doesn't worry about what workout to do - his ruck weighs what it weighs, his runs end when the enemy stops chasing him. This True Believer is not concerned about 'how hard it is;' he knows either he wins or dies. He doesn't go home at 17:00, he is home.
He knows only The Cause."

Win or Die.

Still want to quit?
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Old 05-09-2005, 05:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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"I am prepared to fail
no lies and gimmicks
because if I do not fail I do not know my limits"

I know a lot of people like that. We grow up hearing we aint gonna be shit so much in life that we start to believe it. Then when we start to succeed a little bit and when we start to walk on the right path, somehow we breakdown to the pressure. I dont think this was your best work but I really enjoyed the read. I could relate to this

One luv
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Old 07-10-2005, 03:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
free the oppressed.
 
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up..
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"Somewhere a True Believer is training to kill you. He is training with minimal food or water, in austere conditions, training day and night. The only thing clean on him is his weapon. He doesn't worry about what workout to do - his ruck weighs what it weighs, his runs end when the enemy stops chasing him. This True Believer is not concerned about 'how hard it is;' he knows either he wins or dies. He doesn't go home at 17:00, he is home.
He knows only The Cause."

Win or Die.

Still want to quit?
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Old 07-10-2005, 02:13 PM   #14 (permalink)
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The clock struck 4, like a whip on an educated slave



wow... speachless...
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Old 07-10-2005, 02:43 PM   #15 (permalink)
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return of a classic
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Old 07-11-2005, 06:10 PM   #16 (permalink)
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yayo yayo yayo yayo yayo yayo yayo yayo yayo yayo yayo
i liked the emotion and thought this conveyed, it was well written and you could feel the emotion through the structure etc

i dont agree with your viewpoint however, but thats not the point of the critique..... this piece was very entertaining and thought provoking
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Old 07-11-2005, 06:26 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Stop uppin old poems.
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