Mentally Wealthy

CrazyCarl · 05-07-2005, 07:07 PM

To start his day the man leaves his mansion
which overlooks a waterfront expansion
located within an excluded area
kinda guy thats just unaware of ya
so begins his routine morning stroll
finding his favorite bench is his goal
so he begins to walk further downtown
as many people are still bustling around
they look at him, all with heads down
everyone commenting on his clothes
he thinks, I'm wearin a suit, they don't know
getting dirty looks from today's people
in the old days wasn't seen as equal
not much changed, similar to a sequel
as long as he's got his opulence
he won't have to worry about petty cents
then he heads back to see his family
he misses them, and his heart agrees
he gets back and lays next to his mate
thirty years, no way he could overrate
but as a gentle wind blows by him
you can see what he was really hidin
the gust blows away the cardboard
that was his house he could afford
the supposed family was new everyday
the picture on the front page was made
into a desperate makeshift memory
having no relatives, he at seventy
all alone was living among debris
fabricating a past so he could see
some shred of light showing hope
when everyday was a downhill slope
his waterfront view was a stream
running down the alley, he dreamed
and placed his mind in rejection
so that he at least would have direction
but if you saw him what would you do
tell him the truth, or make his dream come true

CrazyCarl · 05-07-2005, 07:14 PM

1
2
3

Leave Links, I'll Return The Feedback

UFO the Phoenix · 05-07-2005, 07:40 PM

interesting poem

it was different.....I had a hard time getting into it personally....the flow was hard to follow and the sturcture could of been broken up more to help the flow....make the word play more fluid you know?....but the concept was original and I love the theme of the story telling.....I mean this has all the right elements....very promising style.....love the ending.....love the title

keep posting....keep writing

thanks for peeping others

Could you Peep my poem "Miniature Oasis"

FreakEmoWriter9 · 05-07-2005, 08:30 PM

i couldn't relate or feel what this poem's meaning was. it seemed distant to me, maybe it was the subject of the poem, but it was original and unique. try to write on subjects everyone could relate to. good piece and keep postin to elevate.

Coined · 05-07-2005, 09:56 PM

returning the love.
You have a pretty good use of words here, don't limit yourself by trying to make your lines rhyme.
very decent drop, first I've read from you but I will def peep more of your writting in the future.

Mind~$oul · 05-08-2005, 07:18 PM

I agree with UFO. This was just something I just couldnt get into. It only had my interest because it was something different. I was kinda curious to see where all this would lead too. But yeah a couple of line breaks wouldnt hurt and would be easy on the reader eyes'. Everything was all bunched up, made it kinda hard to follow the flow. Keep them coming though.

One luv

RealMS · 05-09-2005, 05:41 PM

ooo nobody else can get it quite so it makes this into a challenge,

jp

he dreamed
alright so, everything from the beginning was a dream in this man's mind. He didn't have a mansion, but his mind was in richness?

or-

but as a gentle wind blows by him
this man took all he had for granted, the rich lifestyle, money, big house, etc. and a "gentle wind" came one day and took all of that. Gentle wind meaning the unexpected. lol, that's what I got from this.

-Much Love

CrazyCarl · 05-10-2005, 11:16 PM

^It's the first one, but thanks for taking that persepctive. The gentle wind marked when I revealed to the reader his actual life, but I can see how your interpreted it like that.

CrazyCarl · 05-14-2005, 12:06 AM

yacob · 05-14-2005, 12:54 AM

[quote=UFO the Phoenix]interesting poem

it was different.....I had a hard time getting into it personally....the flow was hard to follow and the sturcture could of been broken up more to help the flow....make the word play more fluid you know?....but the concept was original and I love the theme of the story telling.....I mean this has all the right elements....very promising style.....love the ending.....love the title
QUOTE]

his words pretty much sum up mine. Word play needs to be included... it just seemed to basic.

CrazyCarl · 05-19-2005, 01:08 PM

05-07-2005, 07:07 PM	#1 (permalink)
CrazyCarl Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 272	Mentally Wealthy To start his day the man leaves his mansion which overlooks a waterfront expansion located within an excluded area kinda guy thats just unaware of ya so begins his routine morning stroll finding his favorite bench is his goal so he begins to walk further downtown as many people are still bustling around they look at him, all with heads down everyone commenting on his clothes he thinks, I'm wearin a suit, they don't know getting dirty looks from today's people in the old days wasn't seen as equal not much changed, similar to a sequel as long as he's got his opulence he won't have to worry about petty cents then he heads back to see his family he misses them, and his heart agrees he gets back and lays next to his mate thirty years, no way he could overrate but as a gentle wind blows by him you can see what he was really hidin the gust blows away the cardboard that was his house he could afford the supposed family was new everyday the picture on the front page was made into a desperate makeshift memory having no relatives, he at seventy all alone was living among debris fabricating a past so he could see some shred of light showing hope when everyday was a downhill slope his waterfront view was a stream running down the alley, he dreamed and placed his mind in rejection so that he at least would have direction but if you saw him what would you do tell him the truth, or make his dream come true

05-07-2005, 07:40 PM	#3 (permalink)
UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Oceanside CA USA Posts: 2,965	interesting poem it was different.....I had a hard time getting into it personally....the flow was hard to follow and the sturcture could of been broken up more to help the flow....make the word play more fluid you know?....but the concept was original and I love the theme of the story telling.....I mean this has all the right elements....very promising style.....love the ending.....love the title keep posting....keep writing thanks for peeping others Could you Peep my poem "Miniature Oasis" __________________ *The Truth isn't out there because its already landed and the Truth is:* JESUS CHRIST Oddie Sloan

05-07-2005, 09:56 PM	#5 (permalink)
Coined The Prodigal Son Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Land of the cold air Posts: 1,247	returning the love. You have a pretty good use of words here, don't limit yourself by trying to make your lines rhyme. very decent drop, first I've read from you but I will def peep more of your writting in the future. __________________ Im in repair Im not together But Im getting there.. http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page...m?bandID=33383

05-08-2005, 07:18 PM	#6 (permalink)
Mind~$oul I'm Pretty Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: North Memphis BITCH! Posts: 17,145	I agree with UFO. This was just something I just couldnt get into. It only had my interest because it was something different. I was kinda curious to see where all this would lead too. But yeah a couple of line breaks wouldnt hurt and would be easy on the reader eyes'. Everything was all bunched up, made it kinda hard to follow the flow. Keep them coming though. One luv __________________ "Everybody wanna be a nicca, but don't nobody wanna be a nicca"-Paul Mooney "I tried to live right, but society aint made for niccas to live right"-Joe Budden

05-14-2005, 12:06 AM	#9 (permalink)
CrazyCarl Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 272	bump

05-07-2005, 07:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
CrazyCarl Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 272	1 2 3 Leave Links, I'll Return The Feedback

05-07-2005, 08:30 PM	#4 (permalink)
FreakEmoWriter9 Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Location: AZ Posts: 112	i couldn't relate or feel what this poem's meaning was. it seemed distant to me, maybe it was the subject of the poem, but it was original and unique. try to write on subjects everyone could relate to. good piece and keep postin to elevate.

05-09-2005, 05:41 PM	#7 (permalink)
RealMS Pro 31 Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Lafayette/New Orleans, LA Posts: 4,230	ooo nobody else can get it quite so it makes this into a challenge, jp he dreamed alright so, everything from the beginning was a dream in this man's mind. He didn't have a mansion, but his mind was in richness? or- but as a gentle wind blows by him this man took all he had for granted, the rich lifestyle, money, big house, etc. and a "gentle wind" came one day and took all of that. Gentle wind meaning the unexpected. lol, that's what I got from this. -Much Love

05-10-2005, 11:16 PM	#8 (permalink)
CrazyCarl Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 272	^It's the first one, but thanks for taking that persepctive. The gentle wind marked when I revealed to the reader his actual life, but I can see how your interpreted it like that.

05-14-2005, 12:54 AM	#10 (permalink)
yacob What the fuck is Yac? Join Date: May 2005 Location: St Louis Posts: 4	[quote=UFO the Phoenix]interesting poem it was different.....I had a hard time getting into it personally....the flow was hard to follow and the sturcture could of been broken up more to help the flow....make the word play more fluid you know?....but the concept was original and I love the theme of the story telling.....I mean this has all the right elements....very promising style.....love the ending.....love the title QUOTE] his words pretty much sum up mine. Word play needs to be included... it just seemed to basic.

05-19-2005, 01:08 PM	#11 (permalink)
CrazyCarl Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 272	bump

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