The Light

Consuming_FiYah · 05-07-2005, 04:59 PM

Hey peeps I'm new...heres a poem by me...

The Light

Alone in this dark cell
I awake in despair
Who can save me?
In this isolation
I cannot stand myself
I seek a way out
By myself, to no avail
I finally cry out to You
Then from above
The Light shines
Piercing the shadows
That have trapped me
Shattering the nightmares
That have devoured me
Touching me deep inside
The Light reveals that
My captivity
Was of my own making
This isolation was brought
By my selfishness
But now I see clearly
Past all these lies that
Have held me down
The Light has shown me
The Way out of my demise

Coined · 05-07-2005, 05:25 PM

Nice, I like the idea behind this alot. I wrote something very similar last night that I might be posting soon.

The Light reveals that
My captivity
Was of my own making
This isolation was brought
By my selfishness

My favorite lines, I know the feeling intimately.

UFO the Phoenix · 05-07-2005, 05:27 PM

oh word....thats real right there.....simple yet deep....the light symbolizing God's love??....I really enjoyed this.....its hard to write like this to me....to flow without rhymes....different style.....respect due

Remember to respone to others

Peace and Godbless

CrazyCarl · 05-07-2005, 07:09 PM

You had a pretty good concept. There was some assonance in the piece, that kept it going without rhyming. There was emotion in the drop, however with the short lines, I felt that if there was more description, we could connect with your feelings more. Also some increased vocab could help you go in detail.
Return the feedback
Mentally Wealthy

Mind~$oul · 05-08-2005, 06:18 PM

This was decent, I think it could have been better honestly. Felt like you was kinda of playing it safe. I did like the way you had it structued out and how it flowed. You did a good job with that. Welcome to the realm, I hope you enjoy what you see.

One luv

05-07-2005, 04:59 PM	#1 (permalink)
Consuming_FiYah Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 1	The Light Hey peeps I'm new...heres a poem by me... The Light Alone in this dark cell I awake in despair Who can save me? In this isolation I cannot stand myself I seek a way out By myself, to no avail I finally cry out to You Then from above The Light shines Piercing the shadows That have trapped me Shattering the nightmares That have devoured me Touching me deep inside The Light reveals that My captivity Was of my own making This isolation was brought By my selfishness But now I see clearly Past all these lies that Have held me down The Light has shown me The Way out of my demise

05-07-2005, 05:25 PM	#2 (permalink)
Coined The Prodigal Son Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Land of the cold air Posts: 1,247	Nice, I like the idea behind this alot. I wrote something very similar last night that I might be posting soon. The Light reveals that My captivity Was of my own making This isolation was brought By my selfishness My favorite lines, I know the feeling intimately. __________________ Im in repair Im not together But Im getting there.. http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page...m?bandID=33383

05-07-2005, 05:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Oceanside CA USA Posts: 2,965	oh word....thats real right there.....simple yet deep....the light symbolizing God's love??....I really enjoyed this.....its hard to write like this to me....to flow without rhymes....different style.....respect due Remember to respone to others Peace and Godbless __________________ *The Truth isn't out there because its already landed and the Truth is:* JESUS CHRIST Oddie Sloan

05-08-2005, 06:18 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mind~$oul I'm Pretty Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: North Memphis BITCH! Posts: 17,145	This was decent, I think it could have been better honestly. Felt like you was kinda of playing it safe. I did like the way you had it structued out and how it flowed. You did a good job with that. Welcome to the realm, I hope you enjoy what you see. One luv __________________ "Everybody wanna be a nicca, but don't nobody wanna be a nicca"-Paul Mooney "I tried to live right, but society aint made for niccas to live right"-Joe Budden

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05-07-2005, 07:09 PM	#4 (permalink)
CrazyCarl Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 272	You had a pretty good concept. There was some assonance in the piece, that kept it going without rhyming. There was emotion in the drop, however with the short lines, I felt that if there was more description, we could connect with your feelings more. Also some increased vocab could help you go in detail. Return the feedback Mentally Wealthy

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