I'm trying

lil'girl · 04-13-2005, 11:53 PM

My dreams are shattered pointless wishes that leave me empty...
Everytime I post someone brings negativity...
You think cause I post happy that everythings fine..well inside im as fucked as anyone and inside im dying..at night i still rock myself to sleep..hoping in my dreams the good lord will rescue me...from this tragedy..that i breathe...that we all know and call life..it's as fucked(x-cuse my language) as taking that knife... and wrenching it accross your veins...cause life just aint the same..as when grandma was alive...because so was my soul...until a black cloud came over the house and I sold it to the devil...you know...but everybody has there problems and everybody sheds a tear...cause if we didn't and we hid it...then we'd all be filled with fear...always keep your head high it's not time to through in the towel... cause one day you'll be great giving up now you'll be a coward...so next time you think that your life has no meaning ... just think like this or give this a reading... cause everyone feels heart ache and everyone experinces pain... but only those who show strenght can get a pen and try again...

Bhitiah · 04-14-2005, 12:01 AM

Why'd you say "fucked" multiple times but only excuse yourself for it once. Consistancy girl- damn. Anyway, You should try to shape your poem better, although I'm not one to really complain about structure...This seemed like a vent, like just a okay here's my pad and paper and Imma fuck the world and impregnate it with thoughts right here on this fuckin page. So I can understand the structure being as it is. But, You should try to shape it up a bit better.

"cause everyone feels heart ache and everyone experinces pain... but only those who show strenght can get a pen and try again..." that was the truth, feel it.

-Tiah

Bhitiah · 04-14-2005, 12:01 AM

Oh, by the way....I'm glad your trying, It's more then most people do

BK-NEON · 04-14-2005, 01:24 AM

i thought this was cool...i agree wit Bhitiah about the structure...keep writing and doing ya thang

lil'girl · 04-14-2005, 05:26 PM

thanx...i'll keep the structure thing in mind...and i guess this is sort of a vent...lol... your right i just fot my pen and paper...

RealMS · 04-14-2005, 06:55 PM

the poem almost confused me, almost. The 3rd line threw me off, it made me think okay you're mad or w/e because others don't see the real you. But reason being to that is because you don't tell all there is to it. Then the message just shifted to the opposite. Like negative to positive. This was good, just shows what your pure emotions/feelings can do and the effect it has-when you're writing at that time.

-Much Love

Brit Boi Gee · 04-14-2005, 07:35 PM

interesting, was the 'mind my language part' part of the actual poem or not?? made me laugh, either way.

Hope you feel better after venting, keep writing girl!

lil'girl · 04-18-2005, 01:35 AM

Naw...it wasn't part of the poem and i really didn't think of putting it in at the time ...well thanx 4 all the feed back! I appreciate it...

skandelous_lala · 04-18-2005, 04:43 AM

Well it does sound very amateur... not really my thing..it sounds like you just wanted to get your feelings out there...which is a good place to start sometimes.

I've wrote things like this before..just ramblings...it's okay..everybody has to start some place that's for sure.

I agree about developing a structure and a style, that alone can often do wonders.

MarQuise* · 04-18-2005, 11:28 AM

i like the feelings that came across this, and yes i didnt like the structure all too much...but it was a good read regardless...

I read in the style of a diary entry, it jus seemed a lil all over the place...

Much Lv

*S*

04-13-2005, 11:53 PM	#1 (permalink)
lil'girl cherish every moment... Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: ontario Posts: 20	I'm trying My dreams are shattered pointless wishes that leave me empty... Everytime I post someone brings negativity... You think cause I post happy that everythings fine..well inside im as fucked as anyone and inside im dying..at night i still rock myself to sleep..hoping in my dreams the good lord will rescue me...from this tragedy..that i breathe...that we all know and call life..it's as fucked(x-cuse my language) as taking that knife... and wrenching it accross your veins...cause life just aint the same..as when grandma was alive...because so was my soul...until a black cloud came over the house and I sold it to the devil...you know...but everybody has there problems and everybody sheds a tear...cause if we didn't and we hid it...then we'd all be filled with fear...always keep your head high it's not time to through in the towel... cause one day you'll be great giving up now you'll be a coward...so next time you think that your life has no meaning ... just think like this or give this a reading... cause everyone feels heart ache and everyone experinces pain... but only those who show strenght can get a pen and try again... __________________ Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet: so in life there's always a fresh start!

04-14-2005, 12:01 AM	#2 (permalink)
Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 1,168	Why'd you say "fucked" multiple times but only excuse yourself for it once. Consistancy girl- damn. Anyway, You should try to shape your poem better, although I'm not one to really complain about structure...This seemed like a vent, like just a okay here's my pad and paper and Imma fuck the world and impregnate it with thoughts right here on this fuckin page. So I can understand the structure being as it is. But, You should try to shape it up a bit better. "cause everyone feels heart ache and everyone experinces pain... but only those who show strenght can get a pen and try again..." that was the truth, feel it. -Tiah __________________ You can bomb the world to peices, but cant bomb into peace

04-14-2005, 12:01 AM	#3 (permalink)
Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 1,168	Oh, by the way....I'm glad your trying, It's more then most people do __________________ You can bomb the world to peices, but cant bomb into peace

04-14-2005, 01:24 AM	#4 (permalink)
BK-NEON I'm Me, Bitch!!! Join Date: Jul 1999 Location: Brooklyn, New York Posts: 680	i thought this was cool...i agree wit Bhitiah about the structure...keep writing and doing ya thang __________________ If there is no struggle, there is no progress

04-14-2005, 05:26 PM	#5 (permalink)
lil'girl cherish every moment... Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: ontario Posts: 20	thanx...i'll keep the structure thing in mind...and i guess this is sort of a vent...lol... your right i just fot my pen and paper... __________________ Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet: so in life there's always a fresh start!

04-14-2005, 06:55 PM	#6 (permalink)
RealMS Pro 31 Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Lafayette/New Orleans, LA Posts: 4,236	the poem almost confused me, almost. The 3rd line threw me off, it made me think okay you're mad or w/e because others don't see the real you. But reason being to that is because you don't tell all there is to it. Then the message just shifted to the opposite. Like negative to positive. This was good, just shows what your pure emotions/feelings can do and the effect it has-when you're writing at that time. -Much Love

04-14-2005, 07:35 PM	#7 (permalink)
Brit Boi Gee manifest the zen Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Near To Athena Posts: 15,977	interesting, was the 'mind my language part' part of the actual poem or not?? made me laugh, either way. Hope you feel better after venting, keep writing girl! __________________ They all laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They aren't laughing now. -Bob Monkhouse Brit Boi has a highly calibrated wifermometer

04-18-2005, 01:35 AM	#8 (permalink)
lil'girl cherish every moment... Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: ontario Posts: 20	Naw...it wasn't part of the poem and i really didn't think of putting it in at the time ...well thanx 4 all the feed back! I appreciate it... __________________ Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet: so in life there's always a fresh start!

04-18-2005, 04:43 AM	#9 (permalink)
skandelous_lala back from the dead Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Hey! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on! Posts: 26,707	Well it does sound very amateur... not really my thing..it sounds like you just wanted to get your feelings out there...which is a good place to start sometimes. I've wrote things like this before..just ramblings...it's okay..everybody has to start some place that's for sure. I agree about developing a structure and a style, that alone can often do wonders. __________________ ALL YOU REALLY KNOW IS WHAT I CHOOSE TO SHOW Good Mourning, Good afternoon, Good nite, what have you done with your life?. Everybody's time comes to be embraced by the light you only afraid to die when you ain't livin right

04-18-2005, 11:28 AM	#10 (permalink)
MarQuise* Can You Hear Me* Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: UK Posts: 5,257	i like the feelings that came across this, and yes i didnt like the structure all too much...but it was a good read regardless... I read in the style of a diary entry, it jus seemed a lil all over the place... Much Lv S __________________ . . . *

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