Lost on your doorstep...

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Old 02-02-2005, 04:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
Ear-candy
 
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akqrate takes it up the butt!
Lost on your doorstep...
I recalled yesterday
just to see you again
your face, blurred by timelapse
still hypnotizes my present

those large unpenetrable eyes
explore happinesses from sandy beaches
and sadnesses from ocean drownings
all contained within mysteriously
as if held in by personal gravity

what is it about your mysteries
that I cannot seem to solve
I've been told that this love's requited
hence why do my feet squander away
to a direction of reluctant indirection

So i breathe in some more air
the last gasp was taken away
by your aware stare catching my cornea's corner
i walk with the confidence of Goliath, however
i know the ground is your intricate web

you tease my existence by existing in me
feeling so right, why am i wandering left?
your presence commands a look so angelic
switched devilish by a twitched eyebrow tip
so heavenly, my thoughts confirm me hell

I know my intentions are somewhat pure
but who's to say...
that one can't choke on Holy Water?
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Last edited by akqrate; 02-02-2005 at 05:08 AM.
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Old 02-02-2005, 09:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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very well written man,
i understand,
you thought you knew her so well,
but then you didnt,find out in a very difficult way,

damn
those large unpenetrable eyes
explore happinesses from sandy beaches
and sadnesses from ocean drownings
all contained within mysteriously
as if held in by personal gravity
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Old 02-02-2005, 11:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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last line was dope

and this: I recalled yesterday
just to see you again

ooooh, sent chills up my spine........

man you always reply to my work, and i've been gone for a minute, so allow me to apologize for not gettin back at any of your work.....you're very talented.....

God Bless
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Old 02-02-2005, 11:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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ManMadeofAshes takes it up the butt!
hahaha. I love the ending... who's to say. No one. Who does? Go to church young man. They will tell you anything you want to hear. lol.

"i walk with the confidence of Goliath, however
i know the ground is your intricate web"

loving these lines right here. awsome awsome imagery.


the rest of the poem seemed a little weaker to me than what I have come to expect from you. I dont know if it was the rhythm that threw me off... but I tell you what.. just those lines that I pointed out made it well worth it. I didint know how you would pull off an ending, but I have to say you fucking nailed that shit.

ashes
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Old 02-03-2005, 05:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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This was a very nice piece, I liked the references to eyes:blurred, hypnotised and corneas corner was a very nice touch. The Goliath and intricate web part of the poem gave it a legend of zelda far far away feel, and the part at the end concerning choking on holy water was a very powerfull irony to say the least.

Blessings upon your ways
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Old 02-03-2005, 06:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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akqrate takes it up the butt!
Eloquent, thanks a lot for your reply, but i still feel i dont know her that well.. absolute zero man welcome back and its all good bro, thanks for the praises, Ashes thanks for the parts you liked, but yeah even I felt that the other lines were a bit more forced, and Brit man thanks a lot for your feed o kind one, yall are an inspiration to say the least.
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Old 02-03-2005, 07:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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beautiful. third paragraph and last line were my favorite.
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Old 02-04-2005, 12:30 AM   #8 (permalink)
I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!
 
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UFO the Phoenix takes it up the butt!
woooord up

this was creative....I think you should earn some sorta prize or recognition for that great conclusion in this piece...that last line was CLASSIC...and the climax and events building up to that line was perfect....interesting to mix in your emotions with heaven and hell...good and bad...uncertainity....oceanblues... .I can relate with this in soooooo many ways its beyond crazy....but anyway nice poem....oh snap@ the title I just got that...lol....siiiick

PEACE AND GODBLESS
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Old 02-06-2005, 06:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
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akqrate takes it up the butt!
finally someone appreciated the title, word thanks UFO, u da man, n H.Wood thanks 4 your 2 cents too, it means a lot. Any more ppls, drop some threads i'll check em out too..
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Not knowing when we threw ourselves in
To keep our fire ablaze...

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Old 02-08-2005, 04:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I agree with everybody else on the ending. That shit was perfect. The rest of the piece was good also. There were some places were I thought it could have been better. But overall I thought it was a nicely written piece.

One luv
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Old 02-13-2005, 02:56 AM   #11 (permalink)
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akqrate takes it up the butt!
Word thanks Mind Soul bro 4 da critique, always appreciated!!
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Love, a game where the devil rolls the dice
Not knowing when we threw ourselves in
To keep our fire ablaze...

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Old 02-13-2005, 03:05 AM   #12 (permalink)
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screamer takes it up the butt!
Are you contamplating renouncing a guilt trip.. I dont know. But soem nice words here. I agree with the others... the last line was kucin profound.

Choke choke chokin on holy water...


Yeah, thumb yer nose at the fucin guilt trip, if I am observin right.
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Old 02-13-2005, 06:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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those large unpenetrable eyes
explore happinesses from sandy beaches
and sadnesses from ocean drownings
all contained within mysteriously
as if held in by personal gravity

So i breathe in some more air
the last gasp was taken away

you tease my existence by existing in me
feeling so right, why am i wandering left?
your presence commands a look so angelic
switched devilish by a twitched eyebrow tip
so heavenly, my thoughts confirm me hell

These were all beautifully written lines man, real nice piece here.. i'm going through this stage, nice piece, stay up. Your wording is really dope.

One.
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