StockMarkets and a Death Bed

[ManMadeofAshes]

well I am stuck at my dads office. Feeling anxious. The business world rushes by me, this world makes me crazy. I haven't given any feed yet, but if I don't write I am going to start punchin holes in the walls. Feedback would be awsome, if not I understand, being that I won't be able to hit anyone up until Friday night.

okay here I go... if ya got the time drop a line.


As the momentum of busy bodies blows past like a gentle breeze
I realize where I am
looking out a window
I start to choke on the taste of technology.

the florencent lights hurt my eyes
and numbers from the stock market climb and climb
drain my soul
CNN is racing quotes across a screen
you stare anxiously, I wonder what you consider living

Numbers go green, and bring this smile to your face
you start making puns about bulls and bears
and how the tourtoise always wins the race
you call it a long term investment

(a mutual fund is the safest way)

-My dad does all my friends taxes for free
I would think "what a man" if I didn't know he actually enjoyed it
the secretary and me make small talk
I keep my thoughts contained
my dad would be ashamed
if I didn't pretend to be something Im not

(we call this being professional)

and in this world of suit and tie
the image is more important
than any amount of content
we live life on a polished surface

(this is all success is)

and all the money in the stock market wont put your mind at ease
and with all the money you've made
it only encourages you to keep working
so your new boat stays in the driveway
another day
another year?

what is the point of all this property papa?

your never fucking here.

[lyricalpriest]

no doubt, honestly i didnt find any rhyme werd play, bla bla but when it came to content
this project was on point, very clearly put together, u must be an intellectual, ur brain is dangerous, let the whole world kno dog!

[UFO the Phoenix]

wooooord up!!!!!

AHHHHH MAN welcome back madeofashes this was siiiiick....nobody flipps this style like you....the intellectual storyteller....I love this stuff man....so real so much truth behind your words its scary....I could put myself in your shoes and at the office and the rooms of the stock markets...the conflict between you and your father...the chasing for money only leads to chasing more money....never ending greed....but the ending said it all...whats the use to having all this land and boats and fancy material stuff if you never around to use it???....man oh man that hit home for me....props yo....this was tight

get at me man about that collabo you know I'm down

PEACE AND GODBLESS

that was sweet..... glad this is the 1st poem I decided to read on my way back here

[MC_Paste]

man I am always gonna read each and eveyrone one of your poems.. can u email me all your poems thru my email

if you want it PM me

thx man I'll be waiting

this poem was ill.. the ending really blew me away

[Brit Boi Gee]

I want to come back rto this when Im not so tired, But

"I start to choke on the taste of technology"

This was avery hardhitting, its funny cus I associated the taste of tech with the smell of a pc when it comes out of a boxx bran new, but anyays, this was very interestig and humourous in places also, such as when you talked about your dad enjoying doing taxes..LOL keep it up man, and may you break free from your environment and find not a too demanding hour in the country or near the sea..PZ

[RealMS]

and all the money in the stock market wont put your mind at ease
and with all the money you've made
it only encourages you to keep working
so your new boat stays in the driveway
another day
another year?
I don't mean to up this UP, or maybe I do.
This part I'm thinking sums up my reply in your other poem I replied to awhile ago. It seems like you're on the brink of losing it-just be free. Either now or later. Like there's something holding you down from being that person you're yet to be.
-Much Love

[akqrate]

Whoa Ashes. I swear to God this piece looks like it was tailor written for me, same situation, and i do exactly the same things you describe doing. I was exactly this when I was working a 6 month contract with an Engineering firm, and it made me sick to exist there, watch every second of my life tick away as I put on another fake smile for another boss as he walked by. All because my dad likes to run my life.
Honestly man any piece I can relate to instantly becomes my favorite. This was nothing but the pure truth. And crying out for help, not liking your current identity. Given to you by your dad. The ending couldnt have been more effective. I felt this to the maximum.

[Madnick]

This was a nice piece Kerr. I only read it through the once-over but it was a very enjoyable read. I've seen the concept a million times before, but you did well to make this your own. Some very vivid imagery here. Well written, my only criticisms would be that the concept is slight old, and that you didn't produce like a summary, of the various facets of you character's personality. The whole piece didn't pull together as good as it could have done. But it was well written, for the most part.

[ManMadeofAshes]

YAY!!! CRITISM!! <--i thought you had died

word Madnick, I very much appreciate the feed. I often feel like people walk around egg shells in the realm and its refreshing to hear someone tell it exacally how they think it is.

your right the topic is old, I was just stuck down at daddys office and going crazy. Couldn't think of much else to write except about the dissatisfaction I was at the time experiencing.

I actually revised this (i wont bother posting because I reworked it for a poetry slam)

anyway, I appreciate the honesty. Some poets in the realm don't deal well with critism so let it be know that in my threads it is more than welcome.

(I also appreciate EVERYONE who has responded. For those who I have not yet returned the favor, it is on the way after my night class is over.) For those who have not shown their love, I hope to peep yours anyway, as time permits.

okay... farewell.

ashes

[Mind~$oul]

uppin