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"Are we almost there yet?" mumbled a young lady. The unaged woman goes by the name of Rachael. Rachael has smooth, silky, brown hair that resembles the fur of a well groomed horse. Her eyes, so innocent, seem to be hiding troubles from the world that no one else must know. She has a beautiful, model figured body that any guy adores.
saying the unaged woman is just trying to avoid saying the young lady again, no need for it, you already said she's young, and a lady. And unless her name's not Rachael, no need to say she goes by the name rachael... just work it in somewhere later on. silky and smooth are very similar words, and a well groomed horse's hair is really short. Not the best similie, and saying it resembles is extraneous. Then what exactly is a model figured body? Super skinny and no curves at all, anorexic? If you described it instead of just saying it's a model's body that any guy would adore, if you describe it, saying any guy would adore it is extraneous.
She is not alone.
You already said she wasn't alone first off, saying it was a young couple, and even if you hadn't, having the second person talk would tell the reader that. this line is completely unneeded.
"Yes darling, we are almost there. Just keep your eyes shut." giggled Curt. Curt was a masculine figure that had deep, recognizable definition throughout his entire body. Curt is
24 and a college student studying human behavior. He is the typical blonde haired, blue eyed, swimmer looking type of guy. The two of them were stumbling, almost falling, down the sidewalk. They have been recently intoxicated and got drunk at a little get together.
Saying Curt once is enough, unless you change subjects, but you don't. Saying a masculine figure doesn't say much, a figure of masculinity, sure, but not a masculine figure. The rest of the description of him is really just telling, whereas you could kind of do that throughout the piece with tags and shit... then the wording of the last line is kind of weak. They'd recently GOTTEN intoxicated, not been... and then saying got drunk right after that is double stating it... you can just say they're recently gotten drunk at _______ (instead of saying a little get together, say what the get together was. The more specifics you give in place of generalizations the better.)
"Come on, just tell me where you are taking me!" Rachael, noticably getting impatient, blurted out.
The tag here is the problem. The wording, and some of it's unneeded. You could just say for the tag 'Rachael was getting impatient.' if you talk about rachael in the tag, that means she was the one talking... no need for that direction.
I don't have time to do the whole thing now, but I hope that helps...
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"Those who know they are profound strive for clarity. Those who would like to seem profound strive for obscurity." -Nietzsche
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This isn't a place for people to improve. This is a support group, where everybody just pats each other on the back and give words of encouragement. -predicate on the poetry realm
Last edited by Anaphora; 10-28-2004 at 04:19 AM.
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10-30-2004, 10:02 PM
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