tears of the tame

organized_locus · 10-04-2004, 12:16 AM

tears of the tame

you know what it really sucks to lose
but it really sucks to be abused
by the one's who tell you that they love you the most
use love as a host
leaving you feeling empty and abandoned
like a ghost
leaves your feeling's confused yet they still boast
and i'm sorry for every saint i caused to sin and any fight i was involved in
and you tell us equally you love all your kin
am i mistaken broken glass for sand
am i running with a gun in my hand
flooded desert barren land
and everything just seems mere days away hazy gray
if accidents don't happen then why do i still pay
i beg for forgiveness lord help us we need to be forgiven
and i just need you to give in
let me know everything i gave
i stand alone in the wake of waves
but who am i to blame
i was raised without shame
tears of the tame
and i can't apologize for my appetite for apathy but i'm empty
and i'll never give it two thoughts in one day
when you left me i broke
with every breath you take i choke
fuck hope
do you know what it's like to be me
you clam you know who i am
with no self respect no saving the children no barb wire ties
clip my wings so i can't fly
i would have shared eternal rest
but all i wanted was you to love the beat in my chest
every moment we shared together was pure bliss now the only release i have is razor blade red wrist
christ give it

BrokenSoul8604 · 10-04-2004, 01:32 AM

i could feel the message here...seems like you gave up....

but the piece was simple...i felt the emotion, but you need to work on your wordplay, etc..

ex:"by the one's who tell you that they love you the most
use love as a host
leaving you feeling empty and abandoned
like a ghost"

i mean no disrespect because i respect every real poet.....but you couldve worded this better

the last half of the poem came alot better...

"and i can't apologize for my appetite for apathy but i'm empty
and i'll never give it two thoughts in one day"

that part was ill...i was definately feelin that tho...

and the end was unique and you worded it well...

but i am not a fan of suicidal poems....

lol...just tryin to help....

stay up...

God Bless

Quotive · 10-04-2004, 01:58 AM

this was deep as hell..

i agree, the first part kind of lacked emotion.. try not rhyming so much, takes away from the poem..

the ending brought it all together, nice drop..

BrokenSoul8604 · 10-04-2004, 02:07 AM

haha beat quo to the first reply....

UFO the Phoenix · 10-04-2004, 02:48 AM

hmmmm not to sure bout this piece....very depressing and had its low points...dont know about the last part

but I dont know what you've been through so I cant tell you how to write what you are feeling

the flow in this was nice...simple rhyme style...easy to follow direct and str8 to the point

lots of emotions...interesting title

props overall

keep posting...and dont forget to respone to other poets

no short cuts in the poetry realm

PEACE AND GODBLESS

Mind~$oul · 10-04-2004, 04:59 PM

I can tell you were venting with this piece. Think it started off kinda slow, like you were still trying to find your thoughts and feelings. Once you found that it got better as it went. This was depressing, but it's always good when you're able to get it off your chest.

One luv

10-04-2004, 12:16 AM	#1 (permalink)
organized_locus Repent & Represent Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Oakland Posts: 39	tears of the tame tears of the tame you know what it really sucks to lose but it really sucks to be abused by the one's who tell you that they love you the most use love as a host leaving you feeling empty and abandoned like a ghost leaves your feeling's confused yet they still boast and i'm sorry for every saint i caused to sin and any fight i was involved in and you tell us equally you love all your kin am i mistaken broken glass for sand am i running with a gun in my hand flooded desert barren land and everything just seems mere days away hazy gray if accidents don't happen then why do i still pay i beg for forgiveness lord help us we need to be forgiven and i just need you to give in let me know everything i gave i stand alone in the wake of waves but who am i to blame i was raised without shame tears of the tame and i can't apologize for my appetite for apathy but i'm empty and i'll never give it two thoughts in one day when you left me i broke with every breath you take i choke fuck hope do you know what it's like to be me you clam you know who i am with no self respect no saving the children no barb wire ties clip my wings so i can't fly i would have shared eternal rest but all i wanted was you to love the beat in my chest every moment we shared together was pure bliss now the only release i have is razor blade red wrist christ give it __________________ "real motherfuckas better recognize real or ill motherfuckas going to exercise skill"

10-04-2004, 01:32 AM	#2 (permalink)
BrokenSoul8604 Apparently Emotionless Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: DMI~ Posts: 705	i could feel the message here...seems like you gave up.... but the piece was simple...i felt the emotion, but you need to work on your wordplay, etc.. ex:"by the one's who tell you that they love you the most use love as a host leaving you feeling empty and abandoned like a ghost" i mean no disrespect because i respect every real poet.....but you couldve worded this better the last half of the poem came alot better... "and i can't apologize for my appetite for apathy but i'm empty and i'll never give it two thoughts in one day" that part was ill...i was definately feelin that tho... and the end was unique and you worded it well... but i am not a fan of suicidal poems.... lol...just tryin to help.... stay up... God Bless __________________ A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.

10-04-2004, 02:07 AM	#4 (permalink)
BrokenSoul8604 Apparently Emotionless Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: DMI~ Posts: 705	haha beat quo to the first reply.... __________________ A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.

10-04-2004, 02:48 AM	#5 (permalink)
UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Oceanside CA USA Posts: 2,965	hmmmm not to sure bout this piece....very depressing and had its low points...dont know about the last part but I dont know what you've been through so I cant tell you how to write what you are feeling the flow in this was nice...simple rhyme style...easy to follow direct and str8 to the point lots of emotions...interesting title props overall keep posting...and dont forget to respone to other poets no short cuts in the poetry realm PEACE AND GODBLESS __________________ *The Truth isn't out there because its already landed and the Truth is:* JESUS CHRIST Oddie Sloan

10-04-2004, 04:59 PM	#6 (permalink)
Mind~$oul I'm Pretty Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: North Memphis BITCH! Posts: 17,145	I can tell you were venting with this piece. Think it started off kinda slow, like you were still trying to find your thoughts and feelings. Once you found that it got better as it went. This was depressing, but it's always good when you're able to get it off your chest. One luv __________________ "Everybody wanna be a nicca, but don't nobody wanna be a nicca"-Paul Mooney "I tried to live right, but society aint made for niccas to live right"-Joe Budden

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