New here, posting my first poem.

Ghostly Notes · 07-20-2004, 04:15 PM

Just looking for a little constructive feedback.

Waited

I waited.

Now it seems its too late, im too far gone
Maybe im starting to hate, but this pain is too strong
It seemed like you cared, it seemed like you would
But now it seems that i've misunderstood
Once again, im waiting over here
Only to find, my only companion is this tear

I waited.

Thinking that it would be alright, but for far too long, i had faith
I swallowed my pride, i knew i was wrong, but i cant stand this taste
It's crazy how i need you, and its insane how you neglect it
It's maddening how i miss you, and its sick how you use it
Maybe i need to change, maybe im just stuck
Maybe im just blind, and maybe you dont give a fuck

I waited.

Only to find that you're not here
And i hate it.. because youre giving me everything to fear
Im surrounded by the voices, clouded by the dark
Waiting for that moment, when my soul will embark
Im drowing in this disaster, only to find that my last breath..
Will one day be far too late, leading towards my death.

Yet, i continue to wait.

ManMadeofAshes · 07-20-2004, 07:15 PM

this is good.. the question is why does this person mean so much to you that you are willing to accept all their bullshit. This shows good emotion.. but it reminds me of a quote in a book, "the perks of being a wallflower" -- we accept the love we think we deserve--
what do you think that you deserve?? is it what you've expressed in this poem?
ehh I hope not...

but this is a good first drop...

Ashes

Ghostly Notes · 07-20-2004, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ManMadeofAshes

this is good.. the question is why does this person mean so much to you that you are willing to accept all their bullshit. This shows good emotion.. but it reminds me of a quote in a book, "the perks of being a wallflower" -- we accept the love we think we deserve--
what do you think that you deserve?? is it what you've expressed in this poem?
ehh I hope not...

but this is a good first drop...

Ashes

This poem was written about 7 months ago... and its actually about a previous user on these boards. He doesnt post here anymore. I dont think. And im not going to mention names. But I really was in love with the guy. Well, that was before we started dating... it was kind of like he changed as soon as we got together. For a year we dated, and it was hell.. I dont even know how to describe it to you. There was a lot of foolishness going on.

Anyway, im out of it now. I dont think I deserve anyone that horrible. I know I dont.

And yeah, this poem was pretty depressing, heh. Not all my poems are like that, dont worry =p

Thank you for the feedback.

LYRICAL WIZARDY · 07-20-2004, 09:04 PM

I don't like it, not very good at all. But hang in there slugger you'll get better.

07-20-2004, 04:15 PM	#1 (permalink)
Ghostly Notes Registered User Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 158	New here, posting my first poem. Just looking for a little constructive feedback. Waited I waited. Now it seems its too late, im too far gone Maybe im starting to hate, but this pain is too strong It seemed like you cared, it seemed like you would But now it seems that i've misunderstood Once again, im waiting over here Only to find, my only companion is this tear I waited. Thinking that it would be alright, but for far too long, i had faith I swallowed my pride, i knew i was wrong, but i cant stand this taste It's crazy how i need you, and its insane how you neglect it It's maddening how i miss you, and its sick how you use it Maybe i need to change, maybe im just stuck Maybe im just blind, and maybe you dont give a fuck I waited. Only to find that you're not here And i hate it.. because youre giving me everything to fear Im surrounded by the voices, clouded by the dark Waiting for that moment, when my soul will embark Im drowing in this disaster, only to find that my last breath.. Will one day be far too late, leading towards my death. Yet, i continue to wait.

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07-20-2004, 07:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: at home Posts: 635	this is good.. the question is why does this person mean so much to you that you are willing to accept all their bullshit. This shows good emotion.. but it reminds me of a quote in a book, "the perks of being a wallflower" -- we accept the love we think we deserve-- what do you think that you deserve?? is it what you've expressed in this poem? ehh I hope not... but this is a good first drop... Ashes

07-20-2004, 09:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
LYRICAL WIZARDY Registered User Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 52	I don't like it, not very good at all. But hang in there slugger you'll get better.

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