song that no one sings

[tooshort21]

I Spoke to a Storm Wicked5744
River of Night Xero Satsujin
Dreamer Guild Xero Satsujin

something out of the norm for me

hope everyone gets something out of it

The Bridge
Deaf; but always listening
Mute; but it seems to say
cross over don't stop in the middle
there's hope across the bay. But sun set reveals

A shrinking shadow on the water far below and whispering
screams of desperation unable to cope with the status quo
from ghostly forms walking on the bridge with the golden name
invisible; but to each other; no more to cry in vain.

Like the wind that keeps on blowing
and the dust settles not
and the old man with a trumpet;
there's a tune he has forgot.
Like the rose that failed to open
now it's too late for it to bloom.
There's no song for them to sing;
it's too sad to have a tune.

The distant sound of a fog horn; a ship makes ready to sail.
A lonely cry in the darkness; another jumps over the rail.
Peace lay at the water and within no pain for sure.
The way to heaven beckons; like the flame of the Devils lure.

The water lapping at the distant shore
quiets the souls and the winds that roar,
for a moment; they felt the pain subside
as life ebbs on the evening tide.

The bridge at peace there is no hate
for those that jump from the golden gate,
it stands a symbol as time goes by
when they come to marvel or they come to die.

[ManMadeofAshes]

hahahah!! fucking shit man. This is where you need to be. This fucking blows me away that you can from.. whatever two poems I responded to (forget the names) to this peice. This is awsome. This was something I could see the whole way. Oh.. I should also mention I fucking HATE both aa and ab format. I didnt even notice it until almost the very end that you did it. You pulled this off fucking amazingly, and I really dug on this ending. I didnt think I would see something this good from you anytime soon. You took a risk boy and fucking a... Pulled it off beautifully.

Ashes

[tooshort21]

lol

thanks for the feedback dawg

i appreciate the remarks and once and awhile in my writing i enjoy to mix up the styles...

im really not the type that stays in the norm if you know what i mean!!

what are you referring to aa and ab format......?/


I didnt think I would see something this good from you anytime soon. You took a risk boy and fucking a

lol haha, i did take a risk, thanks once again dawg, peace

[shadygrady]

uppin for more replies....

aka tooshort21!!

[Quotive]

I love most of your work, and I always read replies before the poem...

I read dudes hella great comments, then read the poem expecting the best poem I've ever set my eyes on... and you know I seriously LOVE most of your work... I didn't like this at all. Its cool, but naw... This just isn't your style. I thought I was reading one of allnakeys pieces at first lol! But yo, its all good. Keep writin, be versatile with the worst of styles, and burst in smiles, ya feel me? One.

[ManMadeofAshes]

Originally Posted by Quotive

I love most of your work, and I always read replies before the poem...

I read dudes hella great comments, then read the poem expecting the best poem I've ever set my eyes on... and you know I seriously LOVE most of your work... I didn't like this at all. Its cool, but naw... This just isn't your style. I thought I was reading one of allnakeys pieces at first lol! But yo, its all good. Keep writin, be versatile with the worst of styles, and burst in smiles, ya feel me? One.

I stand by my opinion. I know what progression is when I see it. Or rather.. going from appreciating small parts of a poem to appreciating the whole thing. I need to check out Quotive... see if hes all about the rhythm. I dont know man.. Ive gone from only rythm to exploring imagery and trying to turn words into sometning with meaning, and I really think this did it. Then again.. if quotive was a little more specific we could analyze what exacally it is that he admires more about your other poems. I do think you did a remarkable job creating a good message in a very simple way... but we are all humans all struggling the similar situations and sometimes the things we all feel and want to express (the almighty message) starts to get played. This took me from all that shit. This took me out of my house to some other place Ive never been. People tell me they want someone to feel their work, but I would really like to write just one fucking poem where the person feels nothing at all. By that I mmean.. I want them to forget they are human, or that they are sitting in from of a computer screen, or unhappy, or hungry.. anything that they already feel needs to go. This is the only way to drag someone into a moment with you, is to destroy every tangible thing that keeps them grounded in (reality). So anyway.. this peice was in that direction to me.. its like.. I wasnt looking for the ending or expecting anything... I enjoyed the process of reading. ITS THE FUCKING PROCESS THAT MEANS EVERYTHING. Its the same as life... people spend so much time cluttering their minds with capitalistic jibberish.. buy a new house, buy a new car, and while your at it why not by that and this. This makes people forget about the process, because the process becomes the thing we hate more than anything else. A job becomes the process, and money is the outcome that we use to aquire all this shit. Well I have a lot of shit, and none of its done me much good. But reading your poem, or walking through the forest stoned, or doing ANYTHING on mushrooms.. its the process. You always end up back home where you started... is that really the only thing worth noticing.. what you bring home with you? The process is also a played topic that Ive written about plenty.. its the moment. People are scared of the moment. Im scared of the future cause I only pretend I will be alive to experience it. Well.. why the fuck not enjoy the only thing I am certain of.. enjoy this process, this moment... .. everything inbetween point a and point b. If your going to point b you already know whats there... so.. live it up in the inbetween eh...

but whatever.. that was a massive ramble.. (all apologizes)

so A A format =
you looked lost inside my hallow eyes
you looked like a whore inside my mind

A-eyes
A-mind

abab format =

you looked lost inside my hallow eyes
too drunk to think, too drunk to care
you looked like a whore inside my mind
with you a sparkle of beauty was all to rare

A-eyes
B-care
A-mind
B-rare

so basically its this very tight square like structure where every last sentence, or every other sentence always rhymes. With many poems this begins to feel like smashing you head into the pavement over and over again. So I was surprised that it took me so long to notice it, being that, this is a concept that often ruins poems for me...

so this is an example of consistant rythm without clinging to the structure so matter a factly. This way is not better or worse... but I think it helps to mix it up.
to me its the difference of running a mile in the woods as a twist through a million trees Vs. being at school and running 4 laps around the same football field.

Looking lost inside my hollow eyes
inside my hallow head
I tried to hold on to your image
but you said its too late for us
and Im too drunk to give a fuck tonight
in my mind your a fucking whore


but ofcoarse.. all is just a perception and there is no guarentee that my opinion is more valid.. although.. I honestly do think that with age you realize what you think is more important... which is content well above rhythm. I think this mindset isnt as popular in this place Vs other poetry communities for the simple fact that the website is rapmusic, which relys of flow for their expression. People just need to realize, fuck yea, they got great flow the whole time.. but some of these talented rappers ALSO have content. To me this is an all or nothing scenario. If you want to flow, fucking do it in such a way that makes me think and doesnt numb the fuck out of every thought in my head because you've given me nothing to think about. and so I ramble on... (let me know what you think bout this advice.. cause I want the other perspectives as much as I like to share my own.) Peace tooshort... and any sucker bored enough to read this whole message ahahaha!

Ashes

[Quotive]

Originally Posted by ManMadeofAshes

I need to check out Quotive... see if hes all about the rhythm. I dont know man.. Ive gone from only rythm to exploring imagery and trying to turn words into sometning with meaning, and I really think this did it. Then again.. if quotive was a little more specific we could analyze what exacally it is that he admires more about your other poems.

About the rhythm eh? I'm about the rhythm. But as for tooshort, he stole other peoples poems, and ehhh I don't know why. He came back, appologized, and posted these great poems. In a sense, its respect. I can relate to his shyt a lot. He has great imagery, his poems aern't full of bs, he gets down to the point. Thats what I like about this. Its just an oppinion, I didn't like this because its different from his other work. I wasn't feeling the vibe. I used the abab rhyme scheme a lot. Shyt sometimes I push the limits and add "d's" and "c's" to my shyt. His words have plenty meaning. This isn't his only great poem. I don't see why you hyped it up to the fullest though. Go back a few pages and read some of dukes ish, he's got talent. Theres no "intelligent philosophy" of writing, you write what you feel. Rhyme schemes, psh... whatever. "Clinging to the structure", what? I didn't even understand some of that stuff, because I rarely think about that when I pen my thoughts, and emotions on paper. I'm sure tooshort didn't either.

And for the other stuff you wrote, I didn't even know who it was directed to. lol. But yo, all I'm saying is he has much better stuff than this. Go read some of my stuff since you mentioned me judging him, aight? Cool..

Un0..

[ManMadeofAshes]

haha... no man its all good. I honestly have only read 4 poems by tooshort. I took the liberty of going off on him in one them, being that what I read felt like the same things I was reading all day. Basically it was more word play then content. Abstract, but beyond that is was vauge. I was just crazy stoked to see how much more imagery was in this poem. I felt it to be a big improvement for him. That is what this whole critisizm process is about is self improvement. I thought he did that so I gave him props. Im not trying to hype it up like the gossple or anything. anyway, I think this is a nice peace. I did check your stuff out too. No complaints. I will give you feedback in your actual thread when I got time but eh, glad you responded to my input. Maybe I can no muster up a bit of modivation and check out more of tooshorts work... although, I really need to see more of everyones work. or maybe I should work on my own.. or smoke a cigarette... ahh fuck.. who ever said a simple life cant get confusing. ?

[Quotive]

Yeah, lol.

Its all good yo, glad you read a little of my work. Sal good.

Stay up..

[tooshort21]

ITS THE FUCKING PROCESS THAT MEANS EVERYTHING

lol

thanks for the compliments dawg, one love peace

and quotive im just experimenting with different styles....

[tooshort21]

I think this mindset isnt as popular in this place Vs other poetry communities for the simple fact that the website is rapmusic, which relys of flow for their expression. People just need to realize, fuck yea, they got great flow the whole time.. but some of these talented rappers ALSO have content. To me this is an all or nothing scenario. If you want to flow, fucking do it in such a way that makes me think and doesnt numb the fuck out of every thought in my head because you've given me nothing to think about. and so I ramble on... (let me know what you think bout this advice.. cause I want the other perspectives as much as I like to share my own.) Peace tooshort... and any sucker bored enough to read this whole message ahahaha!


any sucker bored.... haha....

i understand what you were referring to as the format, i was a little preoccupied at the time when i replied the first time!! I like to experiment with all formats though, like quotive said check some of mine out, btw hes pretty damn good also!!

Oh yeah im shadygrady as well, if youre that bored to check out my other work!! peace and once again thanks for the replies...

[tooshort21]

uppin for some more feedback....

bring it...

[Sole Sovereign]

I can relate to this piece and even change the scenery in my head to the atmosphere of the Atchfalaya Bridge near Baton Rouge, it's a swampy basin and has claimed the lives of many that were willing to through them away... and many people stop to wonder at the cypress and alligators. I really enjoyed being able to relate to this piece and appreciate the quality read. You really have a knack for pacing out your words.

Thanks again

[Xero Satsujin]

Originally Posted by tooshort21

Like the wind that keeps on blowing
and the dust settles not
and the old man with a trumpet;
there's a tune he has forgot.
Like the rose that failed to open
now it's too late for it to bloom.
There's no song for them to sing;
it's too sad to have a tune.

As I like to make sure the everyone knows, I don't give a fuck what they say, I loved that part...Hell, I couldn't have written it better myself, and though I wouldn't try, it's still one hell of a line...This was good dog, you have come a long way indeed, so don't be detured by what others are saying about your work...You've progressed beyond your usual borders into a land unknown where everything still seems familiar, just in a new light. Keep 'em comin...

[really]

So good That U(i) Did'ENT reply. do you ever listen to Simon & Garfunkel? i don't hear it played much these days, but i know some people that still know the words. lol. maybe they'll sing it.

[6th_plague]

On this site Yeah I look for expression more than the mechanics, its gay how some 'comunities' who are more focused on poetry will toss your shit up because you dont use enough personification or metaphorical description

Besides, your poem. Nice read, you stay making me think son and thats always good. If a poem makes me think to any degree its good and interesting enough.

[tooshort21]

damn im glad i got the feedback...

mad love

ill hit yall up later... with some feed... peace