tell me what you think...be very brutally honest

unspoken1 · 05-25-2003, 04:51 PM

so close we were
on that monday where only the stars joined us
i wanted this moment to last forever so i closed my eyes as tight has i could and wished
wished for it to last forever
opening my eyes hoping the moment stayed the way it was for eternity
your eyes interlocked in mine
together we were
as i look in your eyes
and you gaze upon mine i hope you realize how i felt
i was afraid to really let you know but i just hoped you already knew
now im without you
all i hav are my memories of us together
cuz on that night which you left me forever
i cried
i cried because of the words that went unsaid
went unspoken before you were dead
all i wanted you to know was i loved you
but now i will never know if that feeling which i felt during that moment was returned
and as i look down at you in you casket
i think back to that moment
that moment where i wished it would last forever
i realized it came true
for you will always be in my memories
you will always be in my heart
your voice will always be in my soul
and i will always love you

varentao · 05-25-2003, 05:06 PM

To be blunt.

I cannot critique this. For the subject itself hits hard and deep. Oh so hard and deep..

The piece was raw...raw with the subject matter...

...*silence*

..resp...

MISSKEYdaQUEEN · 05-25-2003, 06:39 PM

This piece is good...kind of threw me off at first with the whole "left me forever" because I wasn't sure if she just left or...died.

Of course you read on and get hit with the blunt reality...and you are left in awe!!

I'm feelin it no doubt!

h.wood · 05-25-2003, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by varentao
To be blunt.

I cannot critique this. For the subject itself hits hard and deep. Oh so hard and deep..

The piece was raw...raw with the subject matter...

...*silence*

..resp...

exactly. ^

TuNed RooT · 05-25-2003, 08:59 PM

I agree with MISSKEY, it would throw you off for the first few lines, due to not being exact if she left you from death or just plain walked out've the door. Although, it was mostly you thinking in your own mind and saying what you were knowing of the situation, not the others who were reading. Poetry is yours, not others, but could be. But, be more exact from the beginning, before the reader becomes confused. Simply an elegant piece, I must say. My blessings..

unspoken1 · 05-26-2003, 10:57 AM

thanks

UFO the Phoenix · 05-26-2003, 01:17 PM

nice poem right here

very deep...might have to read it a few more times to catch it all

"i cried because of the words that went unsaid
went unspoken before you were dead"

man thats my worst fear...if I ever loose a love one lines like that will forever hunt my soul

Much props on this one

PEACE AND GODBLESS

icedemond666 · 05-26-2003, 01:38 PM

Amazing... i feel your words that was great how you described your feeling and it was raw.. you wrote how you felt and i like that It was good verry good much props keep it up

unspoken1 · 05-26-2003, 06:36 PM

thank you my fellow humans

unspoken1 · 05-29-2003, 06:20 PM

upping

Poetic N Nature · 05-29-2003, 08:29 PM

very nice... the beginning is a little thrown together... doesn't quite have the same easy to read flow as with the turn of events and beyond. I would polish up the beginning... maybe change some the diction... ya used the same words a couple of times that could be why it is a little hard to read through..

7/10

lpoet · 05-29-2003, 08:34 PM

damn....my bad...guess i was sleepin for awhile....

i know u was like

fuck is lpoet....lol

this is dope...i actually like the begining of this piece....

i wanted this moment to last forever so i closed my eyes as tight has i could and wished
wished for it to last forever

was my fav line...can relate to shit like this

keep doin ya thank kid...

up

*GeMiNeYeZ* · 05-31-2003, 10:58 PM

waaou...

"so close we were
on that monday where only the stars joined us
i wanted this moment to last forever so i closed my eyes as tight has i could and wished
wished for it to last forever..."

"and as i look down at you in you casket
i think back to that moment
that moment where i wished it would last forever
i realized it came true
for you will always be in my memories
you will always be in my heart
your voice will always be in my soul
and i will always love you"

saddening indeed, but twas very deep... it actually almost moved me to tears... for some it may have hit home... i hope i never lose a loved one like that... nice job.

05-25-2003, 04:51 PM	#1 (permalink)
unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: beyond the depths of pain Posts: 758	tell me what you think...be very brutally honest so close we were on that monday where only the stars joined us i wanted this moment to last forever so i closed my eyes as tight has i could and wished wished for it to last forever opening my eyes hoping the moment stayed the way it was for eternity your eyes interlocked in mine together we were as i look in your eyes and you gaze upon mine i hope you realize how i felt i was afraid to really let you know but i just hoped you already knew now im without you all i hav are my memories of us together cuz on that night which you left me forever i cried i cried because of the words that went unsaid went unspoken before you were dead all i wanted you to know was i loved you but now i will never know if that feeling which i felt during that moment was returned and as i look down at you in you casket i think back to that moment that moment where i wished it would last forever i realized it came true for you will always be in my memories you will always be in my heart your voice will always be in my soul and i will always love you __________________ Overlooked noise.......stay tuned in Last edited by unspoken1; 05-25-2003 at 05:16 PM.

05-25-2003, 06:39 PM	#3 (permalink)
MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther.. Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Glenville REPPIN BIYAAAATCHES!! Posts: 17,647	This piece is good...kind of threw me off at first with the whole "left me forever" because I wasn't sure if she just left or...died. Of course you read on and get hit with the blunt reality...and you are left in awe!! I'm feelin it no doubt! __________________ Queen's MySpace Page Queen's Other Myspace Page biaaatches *********************** The battles that count aren't the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself—the invisible, inevitable battles inside all of us—that's where it's at.~Jesse Owens (1913-1980)

05-26-2003, 10:57 AM	#6 (permalink)
unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: beyond the depths of pain Posts: 758	thanks __________________ Overlooked noise.......stay tuned in

05-26-2003, 01:17 PM	#7 (permalink)
UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Oceanside CA USA Posts: 2,965	nice poem right here very deep...might have to read it a few more times to catch it all "i cried because of the words that went unsaid went unspoken before you were dead" man thats my worst fear...if I ever loose a love one lines like that will forever hunt my soul Much props on this one PEACE AND GODBLESS __________________ *The Truth isn't out there because its already landed and the Truth is:* JESUS CHRIST Oddie Sloan

05-26-2003, 01:38 PM	#8 (permalink)
icedemond666 §pilla illest killa Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: NEW YAWK NiG-GaZ Posts: 336	Amazing... i feel your words that was great how you described your feeling and it was raw.. you wrote how you felt and i like that It was good verry good much props keep it up __________________ yo u katz u do know i'm 14 right? I love poetry 4-life.. Tha Girl i love 4 ever is Amanda.. She means Alot to me.(Even tho at tha moment we are not goin out)

05-25-2003, 05:06 PM	#2 (permalink)
varentao Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 765	To be blunt. I cannot critique this. For the subject itself hits hard and deep. Oh so hard and deep.. The piece was raw...raw with the subject matter... ...silence ..resp...

05-25-2003, 08:59 PM	#5 (permalink)
TuNed RooT Love is introduction .. Join Date: May 2003 Location: Within the womb... Posts: 869	I agree with MISSKEY, it would throw you off for the first few lines, due to not being exact if she left you from death or just plain walked out've the door. Although, it was mostly you thinking in your own mind and saying what you were knowing of the situation, not the others who were reading. Poetry is yours, not others, but could be. But, be more exact from the beginning, before the reader becomes confused. Simply an elegant piece, I must say. My blessings..

05-26-2003, 06:36 PM	#9 (permalink)
unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: beyond the depths of pain Posts: 758	thank you my fellow humans __________________ Overlooked noise.......stay tuned in

05-29-2003, 06:20 PM	#10 (permalink)
unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: beyond the depths of pain Posts: 758	upping __________________ Overlooked noise.......stay tuned in

05-29-2003, 08:29 PM	#11 (permalink)
Poetic N Nature Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 72	very nice... the beginning is a little thrown together... doesn't quite have the same easy to read flow as with the turn of events and beyond. I would polish up the beginning... maybe change some the diction... ya used the same words a couple of times that could be why it is a little hard to read through.. 7/10

05-29-2003, 08:34 PM	#12 (permalink)
lpoet POET Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Indianapolis, IN Posts: 12,672	damn....my bad...guess i was sleepin for awhile.... i know u was like fuck is lpoet....lol this is dope...i actually like the begining of this piece.... i wanted this moment to last forever so i closed my eyes as tight has i could and wished wished for it to last forever was my fav line...can relate to shit like this keep doin ya thank kid... up __________________ "SHE CAME BACK TO ME AND I PRAY SHE STAYS" --lpoet

05-31-2003, 10:58 PM	#13 (permalink)
GeMiNeYeZ ~§¤Sweet Shinobi¤§~ Join Date: May 2001 Location: District Heights, MD Posts: 11,131	waaou... "so close we were on that monday where only the stars joined us i wanted this moment to last forever so i closed my eyes as tight has i could and wished wished for it to last forever..." "and as i look down at you in you casket i think back to that moment that moment where i wished it would last forever i realized it came true for you will always be in my memories you will always be in my heart your voice will always be in my soul and i will always love you" saddening indeed, but twas very deep... it actually almost moved me to tears... for some it may have hit home... i hope i never lose a loved one like that... nice job. __________________ G e M i N e Y e Z ´·´.`.·ìÌìÌìíÍíÍí·.´.`·`Da Revolution´·´.`.·ìÌìÌìíÍíÍí·.´.`·` h \| g "If their purpose is of human origin, it will fail. But if it comes from God ...You cannot defeat them." ´.`.·ìÌìÌìíÍíÍí·.´.`Neon Genesis Evangelion´.`.·ìÌìÌìíÍíÍí·.´.`

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