Listening at the Beach

XWallace · 02-06-2008, 11:32 PM

At times a silver moon rests half buried in velvet clouds
Reflects in brimming eyes that carry sheltered doubts
Swell in harmony with the sea under it's glistening sheet
And rains down cheeks at thunder, listening to it weep

absolute zero · 02-06-2008, 11:34 PM

I need more. What you have is solid but you don't really sell the reader at all to what you're trying to say. I get the imagery and everything, but why is it relevant? Small pieces can work, but the message really needs to be clear.

~Eloquent · 02-25-2008, 08:55 AM

beautiful start to the poem with the imagery and rhythm
but more would definitely help but those were great lines to start out something...

DaJackle · 03-02-2008, 11:02 PM

nice imageries. I like what you have done so far, I don't know if you are going to expand on it or not, but one thing that you may want to incorporate into your poems are more sensory images, they are always fun to play with. I appreciate the share

DaJackle · 03-02-2008, 11:03 PM

^^ that was suppose to be a smiley :]

02-06-2008, 11:32 PM	#1 (permalink)
XWallace Registered User Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 6	Listening at the Beach At times a silver moon rests half buried in velvet clouds Reflects in brimming eyes that carry sheltered doubts Swell in harmony with the sea under it's glistening sheet And rains down cheeks at thunder, listening to it weep

02-06-2008, 11:34 PM	#2 (permalink)
absolute zero I got id. Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NO NO NO Posts: 7,199	I need more. What you have is solid but you don't really sell the reader at all to what you're trying to say. I get the imagery and everything, but why is it relevant? Small pieces can work, but the message really needs to be clear. __________________ They say money changes you but money don't change you it just makes you more of what you already are.

03-02-2008, 11:02 PM	#4 (permalink)
DaJackle ThoughtS ProcessinG Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 493	nice imageries. I like what you have done so far, I don't know if you are going to expand on it or not, but one thing that you may want to incorporate into your poems are more sensory images, they are always fun to play with. I appreciate the share __________________ You can only do so much in life, at some point you just have to let go and let God decide...what is the meaning of life? it's very simple...to simply live

03-02-2008, 11:03 PM	#5 (permalink)
DaJackle ThoughtS ProcessinG Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 493	^^ that was suppose to be a smiley :] __________________ You can only do so much in life, at some point you just have to let go and let God decide...what is the meaning of life? it's very simple...to simply live

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02-25-2008, 08:55 AM	#3 (permalink)
~Eloquent Cold Logic Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: trapped where i cant leave,Florida Posts: 3,819	beautiful start to the poem with the imagery and rhythm but more would definitely help but those were great lines to start out something...

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